AN ESSENTIAL GUIDE TO

AGING WELL

This book is a refreshingly honest self-

help guide to aging well. It

encourages readers to dispel gloom or

overcome denial around the

subject of aging and offers advice in a

realistic, non-prescriptive

format.

Practical yet personable, chapters move

through pertinent topics

such as making the decision to retire and

successfully navigating

that transition; designing daily routines

(your practice) and engaging

in activities (your projects); connecting

with others as relationships

shift and evolve; and managing moods

and emotional issues.

The guide also supports readers coping

with illness or injury,

experiencing loss and grief, and those

searching for meaning as

they grow older.

Written in a conversational style, An

Essential Guide to Aging Well

motivates its readers to be curious about

this time of life, and to

design the best possible version of it for

themselves.

Katharine Bethell, MSW, was a Board

Certified Diplomate

in Clinical Social Work. She has 25 years

of experience as a

psychotherapist treating adults and

couples in an outpatient

private practice.

"As someone who has the pleasure and

privilege of working with

older adults, I am grateful that I now

have a go-to resource to share

with my patients and friends. Katharine

Bethell writes with clarity

we age, and the practical exercises she

offers will gently guide her

and empathy about the changes we are

all likely to encounter as

readers toward a deeper understanding

of their individual experi-

ences. An Essential Guide to Aging Well

provides a refreshing and authen-

tic perspective on aging that I have not

found elsewhere, and that I

will be encouraging others to read and

re-read."

-Jennifer Crumlish, Ph.D., Washington

Psychological Center

"This book is a capital 'G' Guide to

retirement, explaining how

retirement can be a valued beginning,

not just an ending. By

designing the book to mobilize the

reader's

strengths in facing

retirement, Katharine Bethell

demonstrates the wisdom and sensi-

tivity that characterized her success as a

therapist. This informative,

sensible, very readable book is must

reading for anyone contem-

plating retirement-and life after

retirement."

-Allan M. Leventhal, Ph.D.

"Katharine Bethell, an accomplished

psychotherapist, has writ-

ten a book that is equal parts wisdom,

wit, and gentle counsel.

Wherever you are on the aging

trajectory, this book belongs on

your bedside table."

Gretchen McKnew, MSW,

licensed independent clinical social

worker

PREFACE

Katharine Bethell

If you're like many people, you may not

have given a lot of thought

to your old age--beyond, perhaps, an

occasional fantasy of lying in

a hammock in a tropical paradise. This

phase of the life cycle may

not have seemed very interesting, let

alone appealing. But if you're

intelligent and curious and you've gone

through the years meeting

all kinds of challenges, you can do this

aging thing well.

Still, it's unfamiliar territory. You deserve

a proper introduc-

tion to its mysteries. Think of this guide

as a conversation with

a trusted traveling companion. Advice is

offered gently, not pre-

scriptively. The prevailing attitude is

positive, but not naïve. Like all

good counseling or therapy, the goal is

to help you help yourself.

To get real about what's happening. To

make choices in your own

best interest.

I'll begin by asking you to look back and

revisit different chap-

ters of your story thus far. Your informal

autobiography will reveal

a sense of who you are-and what

matters most-at this point in

VIII

PREFACE

your life. You'll find that preparation

useful going forward. Then we'll explore

a range of topics relevant to aging

wisely. Approaching

the decision to retire or modify a career

and successfully navigating that

transition. Making other game-changing

choices in

the

later years. Designing daily routines and

engaging in purposeful

activities. Connecting with others as

relationships shift and evolve

over time. Managing moods-the interface

of aging with emotional issues. Coping

with illness. Sustaining loss and

experiencing

grief. Searching for meaning.

Real people appear throughout this

book; I've changed their

names. What do I leave out? I won't

mention foods that are alleged

to boost your brain power, herbal

supplements promising longervity, or the

latest cosmetic procedures to minimize

wrinkles. I won't

offer advice on a more serious concern-

financial security in the later

years, a subject that deserves its own

essential guide.

Most of all, I hope my book will help you

overcome your dread

or denial of aging. And I hope you will

discover that even as your

control over various aspects of life is apt

to diminish with age,

there's much satisfaction-even pleasure-

still ahead.

THE REPUBLIC OF

LET'S NOT GO THERE

It's an interesting phenomenon. Most of

us, when we were chil-

dren, couldn't wait to grow up. Think of

your four-year-old self,

proudly displaying all five fingers on one

hand when someone

asked how old you were, only to have a

parent remind you that

your birthday was still a few weeks away.

Now that we are full-

grown adults, it's the other way around.

There are too many can-

dles on that cake. We wish we were

young-or at least younger.

Old age as a state of being is a bit like

an unappealing foreign

territory, a place you wouldn't want to

visit-the Republic of Let's

Not Go There. It's true that somewhere

along the way, usually in

middle age, we have a glimpse of what it

might be like to grow old,

THE REPUBLIC OF LET'S NOT GO

THERE

but it's a partial glimpse shrouded in

euphemism. There's even a

citizens, golden agers, perennials,

members of the elderhood-

vocabulary designed to take the edge off

what is happening, Senior

perhaps they are young-at-heart-are said

to be living joyfully in

their sunset years.

Some of us go to great lengths to avoid

the fact of our mor

tality. Even if we're fortunate and have

good models for growing

old-relatives, friends, mentors-we still

persist, consciously or

otherwise, in the belief that old age is

something that happens to

someone else. Developmentally, we are

shielded from this reality

for a lovely, long stretch from birth

through the young adult years.

But somewhere in the middle years, we

begin to encounter the

disconcerting possibility that we will not

live forever.

Rather than experiencing an epiphany of

consciousness, we tend

to buffer ourselves against the truth of

growing old with a variety

of strategies. Simple avoidance and

outright denial are favorites.

Dubious humor-take a look at the

birthday cards for folks over 50!-plays its

part. Some of the markers along the way

are physical,

some are cognitive, and some are

emotional. They are all signposts

on a road that we would prefer not to

travel, so we make fun of

them or try to ignore them. Old age has

been described as a slow,

reluctant march into enemy territory. The

image makes us nervous.

Still, I refer to "old age" deliberately. The

phrase may prompt

you to stop reading, but wait a moment.

name something is

to make it real. To name something that

is personal is to own it.

When you make something explicit, you

take it out of the realm

of the repressed, the ambiguous, and the

amorphous, and create

a foundation on which to build something

of value. So here's the

challenge: to overcome your denial,

abandon the quest for the

fountain of youth and accept

the reality that you are growing

old.

Why? Because that's the first step-

claiming your oldness-to liv-

ing well in your advancing years.

THE REPUBLIC OF LET'S NOT GO

THERE

It's curious how seniority in most

situations or settings means

the recognition of some sort of

achievement worthy of respect,

if not downright admiration. We honor

our veterans. We desig-

nate our professors and pastors

"emeritus." But when it comes to

claiming our advanced position in the life

cycle, we're ambivalent.

Maybe we're just reluctant, maybe

downright resistant. The fact

is, we're becoming eligible for

membership in a club we never

wanted to join.

Many factors influence our ability to

accept this new status. Some

are personality traits such as our

capacity for change, our flexibility

or adaptability. As you would guess,

health conditions are some-

what predictive, and personal finances

play a major part. There's

the recognition of some sort of

achievement worthy of respect,

if not downright admiration. We honor

our veterans. We desig-

nate our professors and pastors

"emeritus." But when it comes to

claiming our advanced position in the life

cycle, we're ambivalent.

Maybe we're just reluctant, maybe

downright resistant. The fact

is, we're becoming eligible for

membership in a club we never

wanted to join.

Many factors influence our ability to

accept this new status. Some

are personality traits such as our

capacity for change, our flexibility

or adaptability. As you would guess,

health conditions are some-

what predictive, and personal finances

play a major part. There's

also a family dimension that makes a

difference in our openness

or willingness to accept our advancing

age with a little grace. The

memories you hold of older relatives-the

hardy grandfather who

played catch with you into his 80s or the

great-aunt who mailed

you postcards from her travels to exotic

places-are positive. Less

so is the remembrance of an aging

parent who struggled with a

debilitating illness or a favorite uncle who

became withdrawn and

irritable. And it's not only our experience

with the older genera-

tion, but also the attitudes that were

passed down. Any indication

of respect for old age, tempered with

tolerance for its accompany-

ing quirks, counts for a lot in shaping our

own attitudes.

It's hard to quantify old age, although

social scientists and others try to put

brackets around it, even labeling a

subset the "oldest old." You've heard the

joke that old age is ten years older than

you

are now. Or that 60 is the new 50, and

so on. I was amused to

hear someone describe today's "new old

age" as the years between

feeling fine and being dead. Whether

academic or entertaining,

these efforts to define old age miss the

point. What matters more

is your self-awareness, grounded in your

experience and enhanced

by your insights.

THE REPUBLIC OF LET'S NOT GO

THERE

Before you bravely lay claim to the title of

old person, let's explore

what that means. Then we'll take a look

at the clues that you may

be eligible. And if you're motivated-

you've accepted your status

and begun to adapt we'll consider

various ways to make the best of it. I'm

not saying it's always fun. But you can

prevail. You can be older and wiser.

WHATDOES IT MEAN?

Mortality. That dreary word itself is

enough to dampen our spirits.

Yet a failure to claim-let alone embrace-

our mortality has the

obvious consequence that we are

unprepared for the inevitable.

No chance to express what we meant to

communicate to people

we love, no wrapping up of affairs, no

final visits to scenes of our

youth or even our middle age. Ironically,

to acknowledge that this

life has an ending is to open up

opportunities-beginnings, in a

sense-to live as fully as possible in the

time available.

If we're immortal, time is eternal. What's

the hurry? Why take

risks, try something new, reach out to

another person, when there

is all the time in the world? Why focus on

the quality of life in your

last decades, when the decades roll on

forever?

WHAT DOES IT MEAN?

But when you think about it, how can you

take something seriously if you pretend

it's not happening? That's the problem

with

denial.

If we accept that our stay on the planet is

finite, that the supply

of time allotted to us is not endlessly

renewable, we become moti-

vated to use that time differently. We're

already familiar with this

phenomenon of deadlines. When our

mother said she was going to

count to three before losing it, we put our

Legos away-fast. When

the term paper was due in 24 hours, we

wrote furiously. When the

boss issued a new drop-dead date for

our project, we hustled and

delivered. We know how to focus, when

it matters.

If we can't be sure how many years we

have left, we can choose

to use that time wisely. Selectively. No

point squandering it on

things or people or activities that don't

really matter to us.

We may also come to appreciate the

mere existence of time, knowing that

it's not forever. Something to ponder the

next time you're stuck in

traffic. Can you breathe deeply and be

grateful that you are still here

on this earth? Even in a backup lasting

three lights? No? Give it a try.

You will also discover that time passes

more quickly as you grow

older. Time acceleration ramps up slowly

across the life cycle but

really picks up momentum in old age. Do

you remember how it once

seemed forever to wait for holidays to

come around? Now, like birth-

days, they reappear with startling

frequency. As children, we knew

very well the feeling of longing for

something to happen, whether it

was merely recess or better yet-the end

the school year. Now

that sense of anticipation is abbreviated.

On the one hand, we feel the

loss of possibility as the clock ticks

faster. It's an unwelcome development.

On the other hand, what a curious effect

this speeding-up can have when the

days and weeks no longer stretch before

us in such a seemingly endless

progression. Life is on fast forward.

That's not all bad, if you find that it

motivates you to use time wisely.

There's a corollary to this time warp. A

much older friend once

remarked to my younger self, "You know,

aging is a time of rapid

WHAT DOES IT MEAN?

change." At the time, I was mystified. In

my view, there was nothing amped up

about getting older. It looked like

reaching a plateau

of some sort, flat and rather dull. But she

was mostly right about

the change part. Better to think of it as

strong currents in a river,

with occasional rapids to navigate.

What's Ahead

Much of the change that accompanies

aging is physical-outright

aches and pains, mysterious twinges,

morning stiffness that lasts

all day. Much is related to mind and

memory-elusive words, for-

gotten names, misplaced reading

glasses. At the very least, we find

ourselves disconcerted by these

alterations and disruptions to our

previously taken-for-granted level of

functioning in the world. At

our best, we find ways to compensate for

diminished stamina or

the arrival of the hated, feared senior

moment. Some of the adap-

tation is behavioral-learning to operate

within certain physical

limitations. Some of the adaptation is

cognitive: writing things

down instead of committing them to your

increasingly faulty

memory, coming up with some kind of

gimmick to remember the

name of the person you met five minutes

ago.

The challenge in either category is to

revise our long-standing

and trusted organizing principles for

getting through life, in order

to keep on keeping on. I refer to

principles as though they were

well-defined and explicit, a nice orderly

set of guidelines. Actually,

during your younger years they were

such

semi-automatic and

habitual patterns of acting and thinking

that they required little or

no effort on your part. But as you grow

older, you'll probably want

to make your organizing principles more

conscious and deliberate.

You may need to gauge the distance

from parking place to store

entrance before you shop. You may

need to design a new ritual to

ensure that all the burners on the stove

are turned to OFF before

you leave home. You may need to ask

your new acquaintance to

WHAT DOES IT MEAN?

repeat her name and then pair it with

some obvious or fanciful

image in your mind. That's helpful-some

the time.

if you take a good look at those long-

standing principles that

have brought you this far, they were

probably, to some

degree.

performance-oriented. Now the

determination to do well at what-

ever you did through much of life is

loosening its hold. Of course,

people vary, with some hell-bent on

excelling and beating out

the competition from the fourth grade

forward, scoring the most

runs on the tee-ball team, winning the

essay contest, or landing a

with this

peace

seat on the City Council. Others made

their

pres-

sure somewhere along the way. But the

prevailing emphasis in the

younger years is apt to be on comparing

yourself to others, and

wanting to come out on top. In contrast,

one definition of the

meaning of old age is this: you get to be

yourself. You're less con-

cerned with how others perceive you,

more intent on living your

own life. It's a departure from youthful

insecurities and middle-

age uncertainties. Older people can't

necessarily tell you when or

how they arrived at this point-but it's a

good place to be.

In addition to the freedom associated

with caring less about oth-

ers' opinions, old age can mean more

free time and fewer obliga-

tions. Even with commitments, you may

not have to go all in, as

you did when you were younger. You

can take a break from that

volunteer job, or switch one for another.

There are trade-offs, to be

sure, as your significant others, family

members, and dear friends

grow older right along with you. They

come equipped with their

own age-related issues and the need for

your support and assis-

tance. It's a balancing act, caring for

others and caring for yourself.

A Touch of Technophobia

The world isn't standing still while you

slowly come to terms with

your aging process. If you were an early

adopter of technologi-

cal advances, you can relax. You are

completely at home on the

WHAT DOES IT MEAN?

internet. You understand the cloud, you

have more than a dozen

apps on your smartphone, and maybe

you text with two thumbs.

But if you came of age before the

revolution, it's not necessarily

easy to adapt. As you grow older, the

gulf between your analog self

and the digital world grows ever wider.

way

Some claim their oldness as a matter of

pride, insisting on books

that have hard covers and resisting all

invitations to join social

media. Their resistance to technology is

their way of honoring the

the life used to be, the one they know so

well. Just as often, it's

driven by a fear of the unfamiliar, the

kind of anticipatory anxiety

that

goes with learning something new. The

trade-off, of course,

is the opportunity to upgrade your

personal operating style and

increase your pleasure in life. We'll look

into making this a project

in Chapter 9.

Some Gender Differences

In previous generations, the fact of being

male or female may have

made a more significant difference in the

process of adaptation to

advancing age. The old stereotype was

of a man suddenly faced

with the need to pursue new activities-

and find a new identity-

after he retired from many years

absorbed in his work. As women

edge toward greater equality in the

workplace and greater job

satisfaction-they may face a similar

quandary of how to channel

their energy post-retirement. But an older

woman is apt to have

years of experience with multi-tasking

and juggling various roles.

However committed she may have been

to the work she did, her

identification with it may have been

somewhat less singular than

that of her male counterpart. She may

have already developed a

older.

menu of interests to pursue as she

grows

Women may have an advantage over

men in their ability to antici-

pate alterations in their bodies as they

age. Men and women share in

the surprises of puberty, but the female

life cycle involves monthly

WHAT DOES IT MEAN?

reminders of this maturation until a

woman reaches menopause,

which offers more evidence that aging is

underway. If she chooses

to reproduce, she experiences even

more physical transitions. For

some women, these years of conscious

awareness and attention to

the body-how it works-helps to ease the

adaptation to aging and

make it more tolerable, less shocking.

The inevitable alterations in

appearance are more difficult for many

women to accept, as they

fear their perceived loss of attractiveness

and change of status in the

biological mating dance.

As our society places more emphasis on

the fluidity of gender

roles and even accepts the possibility of

gender transformation-

the once-traditional images and

expectations of men and women

in old age will continue to evolve.

Similar Experiences

Male or female, what else is likely to

occur? The meaning that you

assign to all manner of things is up for

review. As noted, advancing

age can influence your perception of

other people's behavior and

your reaction to it. Life's slings and

arrows may still be aimed in

your direction, but you can choose to

take them less personally or

just dodge out of the way. Once upon a

time, a rude remark by a

neighbor might have had you brooding

for days. Now you may be

able to chalk it up to bad manners and

shrug it off. Your attitude

may become more benevolent; you may

forgive more easily.

You may also become more sentimental,

more easily touched

emotionally. Memories of the past or

kindnesses in the present

bring tears to your eyes more readily

than ever. The same holds true

for the utterly predictable ending of a

movie, the wedding of people

you don't even know very well, the first

few bars of the national

anthem. Call it sensitivity and take

pleasure in your ability to be

touched. Your heart softens; you can

afford to let your guard down.

WHAT DOES IT MEAN?

If you're not so lucky, old habits-

resentments, grudges-are

reinforced. You become less flexible in

your reactions, more rigid

in your opinions. But consider that your

behavior or your attitude

is not so much a matter of being right as

it is self-protective. Feeling

bad or staying mad is familiar territory.

Who knows what will hap-

pen if you take a different path? You

might feel vulnerable, which

can be a scary prospect in old age.

You may also surprise yourself by

becoming less acquisitive

as your years advance. Some once-

passionate pursuits-enhanc-

ing your wardrobe, adding to your

collection of regional cook-

books or baseballs signed by Major

Leaguers-lose their intensity.

Sometimes they fade entirely, and you

deaccession some of the

stuff that surrounds you as you attempt

to live more simply. In any

case, the trend is in the direction of less

rather than more, break-

ing free from the urge to possess things.

The timing is fortuitous.

As you grow older, your need for various

kinds of practical help is

apt to increase. It's going to make sense

to budget more for services

than for worldly goods. Not as much fun,

but realistic.

Old age also means that activities that

once seemed trivial are

up for reconsideration. You probably

never thought that organ-

izing a kitchen shelf or returning a library

book was much of

an achievement. But as energy declines

or vision diminishes or

mobility is compromised, you gain a

different understanding of

what matters and what deserves your

respect as an accomplish-

ment. No prize will be awarded for

spotting the first crocus or

paying your credit card bill on time-but

old age means con-

gratulating yourself on noticing your

surroundings and on taking

care of ordinary tasks. Small pleasures.

Small is the operative word here. When

you think about it,

you're really coming full circle in old age

as your universe grows

smaller. Once your environment was the

size of a crib. You grew

and went out into the world; you explored

and expanded your

WHAT DOES IT MEAN?

territory. Now the momentum shifts the

other way. Maybe you

have downsized and moved to smaller

quarters. Maybe travel is

more daunting, especially if it involves a

walker. Maybe your social

ways,

life is restricted by the passing of old

friends. In a variety of

your horizons have been narrowing.

Experiencing Loss

Another transformation in old age is

painful, and profound. Grief

accumulates. Do you remember when

you were young and lost a

friend in a terrible accident or a

grandparent died? Chances are that

the blow occurred in isolation-one

trauma to endure-and then

life returned to some semblance of

normality. There was oppor-

tunity for healing. If you were fortunate,

considerable time might

pass before you would experience

another significant loss.

Old age, on the other hand, means that

mourning is ongoing.

You no longer have the luxury of

restoring yourself to an emo-

tional baseline before the next loss

occurs. Not only do you suffer

when you lose people you love, but you

suffer from realizing-not

always consciously-that your turn is

coming.

When we're young, most of us are

somewhat uncomfortable

in the presence of loss and grief. What

do we say to the bereaved?

And if the loss is personal, how should

we act? What is normal?

Should we be more upset or less, should

we show our feelings or

hide them? How long should it take to

recover?

In old age, grief becomes more familiar.

We become somewhat

less fearful of it. When loss occurs, it

doesn't always upend the nat-

ural order of things in the shocking way it

did in our youth or even

middle age. Rituals and customs can

help to comfort and sustain

us. Most significantly, we live into author

Thomas Lynch's wisdom

that grief is the tax we pay on our

attachments. We acknowledge

and honor the depth of our relationships

and the intimacy of our

WHAT DOES IT MEAN?

connections as we face giving them up.

The real loss would be if

we paid no tax. And so we grieve.

Obviously Not for Sissies

So, what does old age mean? You know

the cliché-it's not for sis-

sies. Old age requires us to face all kinds

of problems at the very

time that our stockpile of resources may

be shrinking. Old age

brings physical decline, cognitive deficits,

and emotional vulner-

ability. What's the good news when you

are experiencing what one

veteran old person calls "the dwindles"?

Despite these disappointments and your

possible disaffection,

there is still much to learn about life and

living well. Some discov-

eries are about the world-note the

crocus-and some are about

yourself. Either way, the negativity that

surrounds aging can all too

easily interfere with our curiosity. Better

to assume the attitude

of an anthropologist observing another

culture. Figure out how

you relate to this tribe of Older People, a

tribe to which you now

belong or into which you may soon be

initiated. You may even

come to agree with the poet May Sarton

when she tells us that old

is not interesting-until we get there.

age

Theories about growing old are useful, at

their best illuminating

But the most important meaning of this

time of life could be your

own. You may think of an advantage or a

benefit that is unique to

you, very personal, or even private. Stay

with this thought for a few

moments. See if you can identify

something appealing, something

that wasn't available in your youth or

middle age. If you come

up empty this time, revisit the possibility

from time to time. The

returns are not all in.

HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?

The recognition of advancing age dawns

slowly for most peo-

ple. There are inklings from time to time-

a stray gray hair or a

momentary difficulty getting up from a

chair-but you can choose

to ignore them. When these signs and

portents start to form a pat-

tern, the meaning is harder to escape.

Think about your own clues.

Forgetting a name you know well.

Misplacing your keys. Having

some trouble reading the menu. Turning

the music down so you

can hear the conversation. Looking for a

bench in the museum.

Opting for the elevator instead of the

stairs. Entering a room but

having no clue about why you went

there. Taking more naps.

Feeling the cold. Forgetting where you

parked your car. Searching

for a name you recognize in the list of

Grammy Award winners.

HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?

Or the annoying ones-nighttime cramps

in your legs, strange

sparks of light in your eyes, more

frequent trips to the bathroom,

And the unmentionables-thinning of hair,

lessening of libido.

Other clues worth noting are changes in

your personal play-

book, the one based on years of

developing your preferences and

strongly held opinions. Maybe a few

prejudices have made their

way into it, in a category we might label

"I'll never...". When you

revise this unwritten script, consciously

or otherwise, you are

marking a transition from middle age.

Take travel. It was easy to reject the idea

of going on a cruise

when you were in great shape and

looking for adventure. Now, not

so much. Or food. If it tasted good, you

ate it; now you check the

fiber content on the cereal box. Or

shoes. Once you endured the

misery of high heels; now you're tempted

to wear what you and

your friends once called old lady shoes.

When you were young, shortcuts were

the quickest way to get

to school. The focus was on saving time.

As you depart middle age,

shortcuts are about saving your energy.

Some may even earn your

approval. Take cooking. Once you were

a true believer in the gos-

pel of made-from-scratch; now you try a

dish from the prepared

food section of the supermarket and find

it quite acceptable. Long

ago you were taught that a note of

thanks had to be a paper-and-

pen production; now you send a prompt

and sincere email, even

a text. Back in the day, you enjoyed your

status as the last to leave

a party; now you front-end the fun and

head home at a reasonable

hour.

If you've always been self-sufficient (and

proud of it), there's

another kind of clue that you're growing

older. Just thinking

about help asking for it, accepting it-may

be a new develop-

ment for you, whether you actually give

in to the impulse or not.

For now, just take note of this shift in

consciousness away from

your DIY approach to life. Whether your

image is of someone

HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?

else changing a light bulb you can't

reach easily, lending a hand

with moving heavy boxes, or giving you a

very early morn-

ing ride to an airport-don't dismiss these

possibilities in your

future. Think about the occasions when

you've been asked to do

a favor of some sort. Were you pleased

that there was some assis-

tance you could offer to a friend in need

maybe your time, your

upper body strength, or your competent

driving? It's a bit gratify-

ing to be asked to help. The request

becomes an imposition only

if you

extend yourself beyond what's right for

you at that time.

As you advance in age yourself, you'll

need more help of various

kinds and you'll develop skills at

arranging for it.

The Same, But More So

Not surprisingly, some of the oldness

clues are easier to recognize

in others than in yourself. You become

aware of the "more so"

phenomenon in people close to your

age. Personality traits may be

magnified and typical behavior patterns

may be exacerbated. For

example, a friend who was always a bit

too talkative crosses over

into the garrulous zone. Another known

for a cavalier approach to

making plans becomes even harder to

pin down. A sibling who

was picky in your childhood years

becomes downright obsessive.

As for your partner or spouse, you may

find that quirks that were

once quite endearing and appealing

have become irritants, triggers

for your frustration.

In conversation with your peers, you may

recognize a gradual

shift in subject matter. Those same

friends who always provided

stimulating commentary on world events

now lead off with their

latest physical setback, diagnosis, or

treatment. You may be tempted

to join in the organ recital, too. Or they

tell long-winded stories

about their adorable toddler grandson or

their scholarship-win-

ning teen granddaughter. Whatever the

subject, it's bound to be

HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?

repeated. If you're lucky, your friend will

offer a preamble, "Stop

me if I've told you this before." Most

often, you just listen.

You, too, become whatever you have

always been-but more

so. For example, you may notice that

your emotional temperature

rises more readily than in the past.

Depending on your personality,

you may express your opinions more

forcefully than ever-at least

initially or mutter to yourself, "I'm too old

for this."

The "more so" phenomenon can also

pertain to your interests

and activities, to the ways you spend

time. If you've occasionally

indulged in a little daytime TV, you may

find yourself lying on the

couch binge-watching through a

weekend without apology. If you've

always loved to travel, you may find

yourself making plans to visit a

few of the destinations on your bucket

list, sooner than anticipated.

There's a variation of the "more so" we

might label the do-over.

There's a tendency among many older

people to want to reread

a book they first discovered years ago.

To watch a favorite film

again-and maybe again. To listen to

music in which every note

is familiar, or every lyric memorized.

There's a wish to reclaim or

repeat an experience that is already

known and loved.

Of course there are exceptions to the

"more so." These take the

form of an about-face, a redirection of

some sort. Despite the pre-

vailing wisdom that people become more

conservative politically

as they grow older, you may know

someone who surprises you

with a ringing endorsement of liberal

causes, post-middle-age. Or

a people-pleaser who goes all self-

absorbed on you. Maybe you

find yourself switching from a lifelong

immersion in classic litera-

ture to downloading bodice-rippers and

crime thrillers on your

e-reader. We'll encounter this notion of

shifting gears or revising

attitudes when we read the description of

Monica's aunt, one of the

role models for successful aging

discussed in Chapter 6.

But the trend among most older people

is in the direction of act-

ing and thinking and feeling very much

yourself, that person you

have always been. Just more so.

HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?

Also take note of an interesting variety of

the "more so" expe-

rience that often occurs in families

between the generations. As

you age, you discover that the

between you and your parents

gap

is closing and you find it easier to identify

with them. This holds

true whether they are living or have

passed away. Women and men

talk-sometimes ruefully, sometimes with

pleasure-about their

enhanced resemblance to a mother or a

father as they grow older

themselves, how much more like their

parents they have become.

Maybe it was somewhat apparent in

earlier decades. Now the simi-

larities in mannerisms, in appearance

can be striking.

Additional Evidence

People of all ages, including strangers,

make another kind of con-

tribution to a growing awareness that

you're not as youthful as you

think or want to be. They often perceive

your changed status

before you get the message, and they

behave in ways that reinforce

your transition out of middle age. A

teenager offers you his seat on a

crowded bus. A new acquaintance,

presumably much older, suggests

that the two of you must have graduated

from high school in about

the same year. Your primary care doctor

asks if there are any scatter

rugs in your home-not an inquiry about

your interior décor but an

effort to assess your fall risk. It's as if

these people are holding up a

mirror for you and you're not sure you

want to take a look.

Young children notice signs of your

oldness. Without preju-

dice or hesitation, they affirm it. Annie

was as energetic as ever in

taking care of her toddler grandson. She

was taken aback, briefly,

when he asked why she had lines in her

face. Tom stepped aside on

a sidewalk to allow room for a single file

of preschoolers to make

their way to the park. When he said

"Good morning" to the group.

the chaperone prompted her charges to

respond. The little boy at

the head of the line looked up at Tom

and said cheerfully, "Hello,

Mister Old Man."

HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?

The wider culture plays a part, too, in

promoting old age aware.

ness, by offering the senior fare on the

bus or the discounted movie

ticket or the 5 percent off on Thursdays

at the supermarket. An air-

line wants to sign you up for its Silver

Wings program; your gym

hopes you will take advantage of its

Prime Time offerings. Good

deals, maybe, but you may not be

entirely pleased about qualifying

for membership in these groups or

AARP.

Tickets of Admission

Not all clues to what is happening are so

subtle, lurking outside

your consciousness to a degree and thus

allowing for some stub-

born denial. Life transitions are more

explicit markers of admis-

sion into the cohort of elders. Big

birthdays are obvious examples,

the ones that end with "0" or "5."

Retirement in any form-from

a career, from raising a family, from all

kinds of responsibilities-

signifies that the aging process is

underway. When grown children

launch their own adult lives, moving to

new locations, choosing

partners, and possibly having children of

their own, there is a

major change in the structure of the

family-and your status in it.

Perhaps the most profound shift occurs

with the death of members

of the older generation. As you grieve

these losses, you come to

understand that your ranking in the life

cycle has been moved up.

The earlier signposts of maturity-the

driver's license, the first real

job, a home of your own-those were

inconsequential by com-

parison. Now you are a grown-up.

Irrevocably.

Health concerns, of course, play a vital

part in this process of

coming to admit that you are not getting

any younger. For some,

the recognition comes as a sudden

shock, such as a diagnosis of

a potentially life-threatening illness or a

prolonged and difficult

recovery from a serious injury. For

others, the unwanted sur-

prise is that two or more body parts are

demanding attention

HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?

simultaneously. In the past, if you were

lucky, you dealt with one

physical glitch at a time, and after it was

treated you were back to

normal. Not now. Medications may

multiply, too. Those plastic pill

boxes, the ones with compartments

marked with the days of the

week, once struck you as silly. Not so

much, these days.

Living into It

How did all this happen? It's a normal

phase of human develop-

ment, old age. Consider, as the joke

goes, the alternative. To make

it more interesting, the average duration

of this phase in most parts

of the world-the number of years you get

to be old-has been

extended over the course of centuries.

Whether you find it startling

or baffling, depressing, or downright

comical to enter this stage of

life, you are facing a shift in how you

think about yourself. It could

be compared to the onset of

adolescence as an identity crisis, with

some distinctive differences. What you

see in the mirror changes

gradually. Whether your hair is graying

your skin is wrinkling.

old age creeps up slowly, in contrast to

what seemed like the over-

night appearance of breasts in

adolescence. The run-up to it takes

longer, with two or three decades spent

poised in middle age versus

the twelve or thirteen years after your

birth before puberty hits. The

anticipation of it shades to the negative,

lacking the excitement of

edging closer to the age when you could

drive or drink beer legally.

What's important is to claim this evolving

image of yourself and

live into it, rather than resisting it. "This

isn't how I think about

myself" is the starting point for most

people. It's hard to let go of

comparisons. How your neck used to

look. How sharp your recall

for names and dates was. How few-if

any-pills you took. How

many miles you could run or how much

weight you could lift.

Comparisons are odious. At the very

least they are confusing,

often misleading, and generally not

helpful. You already know that

HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?

comparing your aging self to your

younger self can make you feel

bad, or sad, or angry. But the real

problem with comparisons is that

they take you far from the present

moment, which is where you

need to be. For now, your job is to just

stay open to the possibility

that your very oldness is worthy of some

attention-and respect.

Once you claim this aging territory as

your

own, which is

another way of saying you have

successfully overcome your denial,

you can choose your perspective. You'll

have to navigate between

two poles. At one extreme is the

negative attitude that has histori-

cally characterized the aging process as

dispiriting and debilitat-

ing. At the other is a more recent kind of

hyper-positivity about

growing older that sidesteps the

inevitable losses, promotes a sense

of joy, and celebrates the presumed

vibrancy of your old age. The

good news is that it's all on you to make

your own sense of the

terrain, make your own wise choices.

Some day, your indignation

at the offer of that seat on a train will be

replaced with accept-

ance-even gratitude.

THE REAR VIEW MIRROR

You want to succeed at this age thing.

But you can't be good at

being old if you're still trying to be young.

Youthful, maybe, if that

means taking care of your health,

exercising, keeping informed

about the world, and staying open to new

ideas (while retaining

the right to reject them after mature

consideration). Youthful, if

it means looking at the glass half full, at

least part of the time.

But you've advanced beyond young. If

your energy in recent years

has been devoted to various age-defying

maneuvers and strategies,

let's redirect it. Recalling the words of the

late sage Ram Dass (as

immortalized on countless T-shirts), be

here now.

THE REAR VIEW MIRROR

In order to move on-becoming older,

wiser an emotional

journey through your childhood,

adolescence, and middle age is

in order. You can become the researcher

of your own personal

history in a project called life review,

which is often considered

a normal task of late adulthood. It's not to

be confused with the

kind of near-death life-review experience

that people occasionally

claim, declaring that "my life passed

before my eyes" in an instant.

Instead, it's an intentional process of

sifting and sorting through

your memories of people and places and

events, allowing yourself

to feel the feelings that are connected to

them. It's motivated by

the same instinct that causes people to

research their family tree or

attend their high school reunion. The

experience is similar, leading

to some unexpected discoveries and a

keen sense of your gains and

losses over the years.

Engaging in life review helps to integrate

your past with your

present. As the writer May Sarton has

noted, it's like making a map

of your world. The more accurately you

can draw it, the more

clearly you will know where you are now.

How To Do It

You can review your life quite

systematically, working your way

through the years, or try a looser

approach,

associating to various

themes.

Let's start with the most structured, the

creation of an actual

spreadsheet depicting the timeline of

your life. The first step is to

consider what categories seem relevant

to your own story. Some

are fairly standard: geographic location,

education, work, fam-

ily. Others are geared to your particular

interests over the years:

sports, recreation, pets, politics, cultural

activities. Major medical

events often earn a place on a timeline,

as do traumatic experi-

ences. More intimate topics could allow

you to track changes in

THE REAR VIEW MIRROR

your emotional health and wellness, the

evolution of your sexual-

ity or your spiritual life. Once you have

chosen your important

categories, enter them on the left side of

the computer screen-or

on a really big piece of paper-in a vertical

column. (See Appendix

I for an example.)

Across the bottom of the spreadsheet,

horizontally, enter the

years from your infancy to the present.

Grouping them works best:

"Birth Age 5", "Age 5-Age 10" and so on.

If you have a good

memory for dates and they have

meaning for you, you can fill in

those specific years as you proceed.

Now take it one topic at a time to create

a graphic version of

your autobiography. Start with a

straightforward category such

as Geographic Location. On that line,

above the appropriate age

ranges at the bottom of the chart, write in

all the localities where

you have lived. A fairly place-bound

person might have made three

or four moves in the course of her life.

Someone who served in the

military or searched to find work during

hard times or climbed up

the ladder in an organization with many

regional divisions might

have moved dozens of times. An

adventurer or a seeker or a self-

described perpetual malcontent might

have made the most moves

of all.

Entries on the Education line could start

with early schooling

and continue through the various levels

of formal education that

apply to you. Include any lessons or

tutorials or other educational

experiences that are outside that box. If

you are taking advantage of

any of the programs designed especially

for older students-"adult

learners" be sure to note those at the far

right of the timeline.

Everyone has some kind of work history.

On the Work line, fill

in everything from odd jobs in

adolescence to your most crown-

ing achievements in later life. Plus

everything that falls in between.

In the home and out in the world. Paid

and voluntary. Memorable

and not so much.

THE REAR VIEW MIRROR

In the Family category, your entries will

reflect changes in the

membership of the family you grew up in

as well as transitions in

your adult life. Chronologically, you might

start with the birth of

siblings, and proceed through any

changes in your parents' mari-

tal status and the possible addition of

step-relatives. As you grow

older on your timeline, note your own

status in respect to serious

relationships, formalized or not. The

same applies to parenting.

which encompasses the arrival of

children born to you, adopted,

or fostered.

All across the Family line, enter the

deaths of family members

and those important others whom you

claim as family.

Follow the same procedure with the

more meaningful-to-you

categories, the ones you identified that

represent your particular

interests or concerns.

If you chose Politics, enter the campaign

you organized for your

friend's election as treasurer of your

eighth-grade class. The first

time you cast votes in a national election.

The age when you began

to take issue with your parents' political

opinions. The launch

of your involvement in local politics, with

subsequent wins and

losses.

A Recreation timeline is broad in scope,

covering pleasurable

activities of all sorts. Start with what you

loved most as a young

child, be it swinging on the playground,

playing Clue, or dress-

ing up your stuffed animals in funny

costumes. Note what you

enjoyed as a teenager, legally or

otherwise. Move on to the hobby

that you first discovered in your early 30s

and still pursue, select-

ing a few milestones: the pottery mug

that wasn't lopsided, the

apple pie that won a prize.

It's another kind of venture to track your

Emotional Health over

the years. For some people, it's mostly a

steady state with occasional

ups and downs that are hard to capture

on a time line. But for oth-

there are significant events that reflect

changes in your mood

ers,

THE REAR VIEW MIRROR

and behavior at different ages. Diagnosis

of a mental health condi-

tion, treatment of

any kind, self-help efforts-all deserve to

be rep-

resented here.

When the timeline project is complete,

take time to ponder it.

At the very least, this act of remembering

is a way to claim

what has taken place in your life thus far:

the satisfactions, the

disappointments, and much in between.

See if creating it gives you

some sense of coherence, by

assembling all the parts in one place.

Perhaps you will find some patterns-such

as a series of relation-

ships lasting about two years or a

sequence of jobs with bad bosses.

Then pay attention to the gaps or

missing pieces, and contemplate

whether these are lapses in memory or

times you would prefer to

forget. Be sure to take a close look at

how entries in the different

categories may be related or have some

kind of connection. For

example, you may come to find that the

summer you were eight

years old and were sent to visit your

favorite grandmother for a

month was the summer your parents

separated. Maybe coinciden-

tal, maybe not. You could be surprised to

find that the year you

became more involved in a faith

community was about the same

time you were coping with a scary

medical diagnosis. Perhaps your

age when you quit a demoralizing job

matches up with the mood

improvement you noted on the line that

tracks your emotional

well-being.

The timeline offers a deliberate and

systematic way to take an

inventory of your life thus far. You know

your style. If you're rea-

sonably organized and somewhat detail-

oriented-give it a try.

A Different Approach

There's another way to take a good look

in the rearview mirror. Free

association means that you focus on a

particular person or place,

a specific event or experience and let

your mind roam. Imagine

THE REAR VIEW MIRROR

your brain as a computer screen. You've

typed in "my uncle,"

"soccer." "boyfriends who broke up with

me," or "employee of

the month award." You could have

chosen "places I have lived,"

"embarrassing situations," or "favorite

clothes." Or even the big

surprises in your life. "unexpected

developments."

Get comfortable in a chair and close your

eyes. Or, eyes wide

open, go for a walk. Sitting or moving,

see what comes to mind,

without judging or criticizing as you

reflect on various parts and

pieces of your life story. Try to call up the

earliest image or feeling

associated with the topic, and then the

most recent. Contemplate

your most joyful memory and the most

humiliating, the funniest,

or the saddest, whether you are free-

associating to "my birthdays"

or "Mom." When you lose focus and your

mind wanders to your

to-do list or breaking news, explore

another chapter heading in

your virtual autobiography.

It can be daunting to summon up this

personal data that spans

decades. All sorts of possessions, your

worldly goods, can serve

as aids to stimulate your thoughts and

feelings. Your memora-

bilia may be neatly organized into a

scrapbook or photo album,

or represented by a file of letters you

received and saved in those

years before email. It could be hanging

on your wall, a tidy row

of certificates from different phases of

your career. Somewhat

more random is that bunch of tokens or

keepsakes you have col-

lected and housed over the years, each

connected to some event

or experience in the past. Sometimes the

association is obvious,

such as the ballpoint pen from the

dealership where you bought

that beloved car 20 years ago. Others

require a bit more effort

to track down. At least one object will

defy your detective work,

like the ashtray with the logo you don't

recognize-just an arti-

fact of the long-ago days when you

smoked.

You can also consult with family

members or significant friends

from various eras, when you can't recall

something that seems to

matter. And internet search engines are

always ready to assist you.

Why It Matters

THE REAR VIEW MIRROR

Much of life review is factual, albeit

subjective since you are explor-

ing your own history. But it's also an

opportunity to acknowledge

and grieve over what hasn't happened in

our lives. That our parents

never understood who we really were.

That we didn't pursue the

career we had hoped for. That we didn't

get the promotion. That

the fantasy of life after our divorce was

just a fantasy.

Unmet dreams of every kind. These

deserve attention, too, in

the form of acknowledging our sadness

and disappointment, our

frustration and anger.

When your darkest memories include

acts of self-destruction,

mistreatment or neglect by others, or

hurtful circumstances

over which you had little control, allow

yourself some emo-

tional release. For some people that

means writing down their

thoughts. For others, a brisk walk or a

warm bath. Tears may

help. Be kind to yourself.

I'm describing a process that's very

internal, but you may involve

other people if your recollections are

loaded with old regrets and

resentments. Even at this late date, you

can still tell someone you're

sorry or you're angry. If that's not

possible, you can write a letter

to whomever you offended-or whoever

hurt you. Then burn it or

bury it or put it through the shredder.

Your life review may also stimulate

thoughts of people for whom

you feel great affection. Whether these

are old friends you haven't

seen for years or pals you see every

Friday evening, let them know

their importance to you. You may live for

many years and they

may, too-but why not communicate your

fondness, your grati-

tude, right now? One day it will be too

late.

Along the way, be sure to remember and

celebrate the good

times. Smile at some memories; laugh

out loud at others. Play the

music you love, watch old movies,

reread the book that meant so

much when you were a senior in high

school.

THE REAR VIEW MIRROR

There's no score, no pass-fail. You've

created a thoughtful con-

sideration of your life thus far, and a

preparation for the discover-

les-welcome and not-of old age. I've

described it as though it

unfolds all of a piece, like a spreadsheet,

but that's not really true.

Some of life review is spontaneous;

some is intentional. Whatever

form it takes, however extended or

intermittent the process, make

It matter. Spend time with it.

This looking back through the rearview

mirror has its detrac

tors, those who disdain "living in the

past." But the point is to

visit the past, not to get stuck there. The

point is to recognize and

honor the paths you have trod, the

places you have been, and the

people who have traveled with you on

the

journey. The point is to

understand where you are now.

THE SELFIE

At this point in life, how well do you know

that woman or man

whose reflection you see every time you

look in the mirror? Could

there be any good reason to spend

valuable time and emotional

energy getting to know that person even

better?

you

You may not think so. For starters, you

may well associate self-

absorption with adolescence, a

developmental phase from which

graduated long ago. Or you may simply

frown on such preoccupation

with yourself as indulgent. Egocentric.

Even narcissistic. It's entirely

possible that when you were growing up,

terms like "self-actualiza-

tion" or "self-empowerment" had yet to

enter the conversation, for

better or worse. Social media as a

means to promote your personal

opinions didn't exist. The selfie had yet to

be invented, let alone per-

fected-if that's the word-with the addition

of the selfie stick.

THE SELFIE

Set aside your skepticism for a moment.

A healthy degree of

self-awareness is a valuable resource as

you go forward in life. If

you have embarked upon some form of

life review as suggested

in the previous chapter, you've made a

head start. You've already

noting

constructed a map of your world,

surveying the terrain and

your life's significant events. Now let's

place you on that map and

think about who you are in the here-and-

now. Even if you've never

been inclined to introspection, let's take a

psychological selfie.

The older you are, the greater the wealth

of material about yourself.

You have many years of life experience

that inform your personality.

You have suffered and succeeded, lost

and gained. As a child, your

identity was shaped to a considerable

extent by the needs and percep-

tions of others. Parents were primary, of

course, but other authority

figures and peers made contributions,

too. Over the years, some adults

achieve a degree of detachment from

those influences and grow into a

personal identity that is more distinctively

and authentically their own.

Others feel that their subjective sense of

themselves has remained con-

stant throughout life, with no significant

revision over time.

Let's say the description of who-you-are

has remained pretty

consistent. When you were growing up,

your siblings complained

that you were stubborn, and it's true,

even now. When you were

11, you donated your birthday money

from your grandmother to

a homeless shelter; friends today say

you are the most generous

person they know. As a child, you were

always anxious meeting

someone new; in later life, it takes you

ample time with drink in

hand before you can relax and enjoy the

encounter.

By contrast, you may be someone

whose self-image has been

altered even transformed-for reasons

known or unknown, the

convergence of many circumstances and

life experiences. Once

gregarious, now you've become reticent

in social situations. Once

a committed liberal, now you're more

conservative-or the other

way around. Once rather culturally

refined, now you read celebrity

mags without shame.

THE SELFIE

Whether you find that your sense of a

personal identity has

remained constant as you have aged or

has evolved-gradually or

even suddenly you

I can draw on this information about

yourself

many

to help you live well in your later years.

Keep in mind that

of the demands and constraints of young

adulthood and middle

age are being lightened or lifted as you

grow older. This works

both ways-fewer responsibilities can

leave some people feeling

emotionally adrift but in a general sense,

aging means increasing

freedom to set your own course, to take

less responsibility for oth-

ers and more for your own self. You can

make choices, determine

your own priorities, and shape your

connections to other people in

some liberating and possibly satisfying

ways.

Whatever your characteristics or

personality traits-from icono-

clast to solid citizen, from predictable to

flighty, from laugh-out-

loud funny to solemnly serious-this

knowledge of yourself in the

present moment forms the basis for

making intelligent decisions

going forward. By intelligent I mean life-

enhancing. Older, wiser.

Some would question such an upbeat

scenario. How can you

maintain any sense of optimism when

the aging process involves

some physical and cognitive decline, if

not downright impairment?

True enough. But consider that a loss of

energy or mobility or

memory makes it even more essential to

create a life that is as con-

sistent as possible with your values, your

tastes, your preferences of

all kinds. You want the time that is still

ahead to be rewarding. And

by being selective, you maintain a sense

of control over what can

be controlled, even as advancing age

inevitably alters the equation.

Getting To Know You

So let's indulge in some introspection, to

bring a little clarity to your

self-analysis. It's a fairly simple matter

really, you interviewing

you. There's no particular format for this

inquiry beyond raising

questions that cover a variety of topics

and giving honest answers.

THE SELFIE

It's best to start with some issues related

to your personal prefer-

ences and interests. For example, how

do you really feel about a par

ticular individual, that cousin you have

known forever? Where would

you love to live, if cost were no object-or

can you imagine mov

What do you

ing elsewhere? What is your favorite way

to spend time? Your least

group?

favorite? Do you prefer to be alone or

part of a

prize most about your family and what do

you resent? Do you like

dogs or cats or tropical fish? What do

you really enjoy in art or music

and what do you ignore? What do you

like to read-or, honestly, do

you like to read? What foods do you love

and which do you spurn?

Do you care about fashion? What about

TV sports? You get the idea.

Just see what comes to mind. Don't look

back in time at how

once felt about these subjects; don't

project into the future what

you think you should feel. Let your

imagination roam, fine-tuning

your awareness of your likes and

dislikes.

you

Then turn even more introverted with

your questions. What do

you like best about yourself? And second

best? What's a bit embar-

rassing or hard to handle about your

personality? How much do

you care about your physical

appearance? What are some of your

beliefs, be they philosophical or political,

arcane or commonplace?

Do you tend to act deliberately or

spontaneously? Are you trusting

or skeptical by nature? Do you have a

sense of humor or do you

depend on others to make you laugh?

Do you consider yourself a

genius, just average, or not very brainy?

Are you a dreamer, a real-

ist, or somewhere in between? Are you

inclined to be a saver or

a spender? Would you rather be a host

or a guest? Are you mostly

confident or do you tend to be insecure?

How about empathy for

others-does it come easily or do you

have to make an effort?

Sometimes the clues are in your

behavior, if you take a little

time to analyze it.

Joe was opinionated. He had no trouble

defining what he

believed about the state of the world-and

promoting those views

THE SELFIE

pace

with anyone who would listen. He was

much less familiar with

his own psyche, that funny mix of

distinctive characteristics that

define a personality. His first experience

of raising his psychologi-

cal self-awareness took place at the

gym. He kept noticing that the

guy on the treadmill next to his was

running at a much faster

than he was. Joe's insight #1: "I guess I

have to admit, I'm very

competitive." As he was ending his

workout, he spotted someone

fumbling with the settings on a rowing

machine. Since he knew

that piece of equipment well, he offered

his assistance. He didn't

make much of the moment until he was

driving home, when it

occurred to him: "In some situations. I

get a kick out of help-

ing others." Not exactly an epiphany,

really, but good information

about himself to file away for future use.

But maybe you're quite aware that this

sort of open-ended reflec-

tion with your inner self as the subject

matter has little appeal. It

won't work for you. In that case, you

might do better using one

of the scores of ready-made personality

tests on the market, easily

available online or included in many

books on the self-help shelf.

These are systematic efforts to assess

your strengths and your tal-

ents along with potential areas for

personal growth. Most of them

are knock-offs of the well-known Myers-

Briggs Type Indicator,

which is administered in many settings to

help distinguish person-

ality types. The MBTI was originally

devised as a non-judgmental

way to improve interpersonal dynamics

in the workplace; over

time, the instrument and its offspring

have been used by millions

of people as tools for self discovery.

There's a big market out there.

You can find out which of sixteen

personalities is yours, you can

investigate which Greek goddess or god

you most resemble, you

can even complete a questionnaire that

will determine which ani-

mal you most resemble.

A common criticism of these instruments

is that they fail to

discern nuances of personality traits. For

example, on a scale of

THE SELFIE

extroversion and introversion, most

adults fall somewhere between

the poles. Defining yourself as one or the

other doesn't capture

your unique blend of those sensibilities.

If you do play around

and it can be fun-with any of these self-

help quizzes, take what

you need but ignore the rest. If there is a

useful insight, file it away;

if the term or label just doesn't fit, forget

it.

Sadie was reluctant to take what she

viewed as a test, an evaluation

of her strengths and all too likely, in her

mind-her weaknesses.

A younger friend who worked in her

company's human resources

department knew all about these

inventories, and convinced Sadie

to try an online version. Throughout her

adult life, Sadie had been

intimidated by people who could

assemble an arsenal of facts to

support their views on just about any

subject. The results of her

"test" were enlightening. In the decision-

making category, those

people who were labelled "Thinking"

were described as consistent

and logical in their approach, driven by

objective data. In contrast,

the "Feeling" style accurately captured

Sadie's instinct to take peo-

ple and their emotions into consideration.

Neither way of making

decisions was deemed superior to the

other, just different. Sadie

was surprised, and pleased at the

validation.

Why It Matters

Whether it takes the form of an extended

off-the-cuff interview with

yourself or a structured exercise, any

attempt to enhance your self-

awareness has value. At any age, it has

the potential to reinforce your

personal status quo, giving more

definition or substance to your self-

image. But as you grow older, this

inquiry can help to effect some

actual changes in the way you live life.

For example, honest self-

analysis can lead to reevaluating

relationships admitting that you

like the company of some people and not

others, and revising your

social life accordingly. It can mean

withdrawing your energy from

a particular cause or organization and

investing it elsewhere. It can

mean

you

THE SELFIE

admitting that you never liked classical

music, however hard

tried, freeing you to tune in to the

bluegrass channel from this

character flaws

your

day forward. It can mean taking

inventory of

and deciding that you'll work to improve

in some areas but claim the

others as yours to keep.

In the later decades of life, this

information has the potential to

guide some important decision-making.

When reminiscing, you

realized how eager you were to meet

your tentmates at summer

camp, and how much you loved living in

a college dorm. Further

reflection yielded the insight that your

personality is more outgo-

ing than reserved. You may be a good

prospect for another pass

at communal living some kind of senior

living situation where

residents share common spaces and

socialize freely.

Maybe the psychological selfie helped

you become more keenly

aware of your relationship with money.

You are beyond frugal,

maybe a miser. Family members have

been urging you to take

some of your savings and indulge in a

luxury cruise "while there's

still time." But that's not who you are.

The security of a savings

account means more to you than any

bucket-list adventure. In fact,

you keep no such list.

Or you affirmed your long history with

some deeply held politi-

cal opinions that differ from those of

nearly all of your close com-

panions. Sometimes you've argued,

sometimes you've kept quiet,

but the tension persists and it does no

favor to your blood pressure.

Perhaps the better part of wisdom at this

age is to let go of the

effort to persuade people to adopt your

views. You can stay true to

yourself and focus only on things you

have in common.

Perhaps you acknowledged your

fondness for painstaking preci-

sion in all of your endeavors. So let

people call you fussy. You've

aged out of worrying about how others

perceive you or trying to

live up to certain norms. You have life

experience. Along the way

you have developed a style of living that,

for better or worse, is

distinctively your own. Honor it.

THE SELFIE

Can you change who you are, even as

you grow older? Yes. It's

more challenging than when you were

younger, when the brain

was more plastic and habits less

ingrained. But unless your core self

is rigidly antisocial or aggressively

hostile, let's pay tribute to who

you are in the present moment. You've

worked on becoming this

person for many years. Maybe you've

arrived.

Looking Ahead

We associate the term "identity crisis"

with earlier phases of the

life cycle. Adolescents experiment and

flounder as they attempt to

define who they are on the brink of their

adult lives. The midlife

crisis has men--and, increasingly,

women attempting to recap-

ture their youth or somehow compensate

for what they have

missed along the way. By contrast, the

quest for identity in old age

is charged with neither the vulnerability

of the teenage years nor

the urgency of the middle years. Now

you are seeking consolida-

tion, some clarity in describing who you

have become. Make it a

mix of personality factors and character

traits. Include your vir

tues, your quirks, your values. Toss in

the superficial things that

annoy you. Most importantly, declare the

things that you love.

You don't have to work all of this self-

awareness into a memoir

although there's nothing wrong with that.

At the least, you want to

create a record of some sort so the

details of your autobiographical

excursion won't be lost. The written word

is fine, whether it's a hard

copy or a digital document saved to the

cloud. Or make an audio ver-

sion on your phone's recording app.

However cryptic or expansive

your observations may be, you'll have

them, to review and revise

your self-awareness as

when further insights come to you. Think

an asset-one of the resources that will

help you resolve some of the

dilemmas you'll encounter in the territory

of aging.

YOU AND YOUR

ROLE MODELS

You've been looking in the mirror. Now

let's widen your perspective.

We all have people we look up to, men

and women from whom

we learn how to go about this business

of living. Sometimes the

lessons they provide are focused and

specific, such as teaching us a

foreign language or showing us how to

change a flat tire.

But maybe we simply admire people for

their style or skill.

Perhaps we envy their competence or

respect their accomplish-

ments. These models don't have to be

labeled as mentors or teach-

ers. They can be friends or relatives with

whom we are acquainted,

celebrities we read about or talk-show

hosts we watch on television.

What all these people have in common is

their ability to impress

or inspire us, to make us want to be a

little like them.

YOU AND YOUR ROLE MODELS

subconscious

To serve as a model for something, you

need to have a role. Here's

where oldness enters in. There are no

awards or trophies given for

Outstanding Old Person, but that's the

role

that has relevance and

deserves your attention-as you advance

in age yourself. Naturally

there are many negative images of Old

Person, and you are right to

reject them. But there's a good chance

that you can claim at least

one positive role model for your old age

if you give it some serious

thought. The idea is to make whatever

resides in your

a little more explicit so you can make

good use of it. More than a few

women and men are surprised at what

they find when they explore

their mind's inventory of not-so-young

people who have made a

significant mark or impression on their

lives. If that doesn't work

for you, start now. Make it a project to

identify at least one older

woman or man whose attitude or

approach to life you admire. It's

also possible to turn a disappointing or

depressing example to your

advantage, when you vow not to

resemble that unhappy person.

Some models are people you have

known for a long time, so

you've watched their aging process

closely. Others are less personal

connections, people you've admired from

afar. Take former presi-

dent Jimmy Carter, for instance. It's hard

not to be inspired by a

video clip of the 95-year-old volunteering

with yet another Habitat

for Humanity project, wielding a nail gun.

When you think about role models, try

not to be distracted by

the resources that they may have.

Instead, what matters are the per-

sonal characteristics that describe or

define them. Does she or he

bring a positive attitude to growing older,

or possess some attrib-

ute that contributes to success in old

age? Think how a particular

approach to life or aspect of a

personality-might influence your

own scenario for aging wisely.

Sources of inspiration are likely to vary

widely. Let's look at

some examples.

YOU AND YOUR ROLE MODELS

Ashley is in her 50s, but as a young girl

she became fascinated

by Queen Elizabeth. Ever since, she has

been a serious fan of the

monarch:

The queen is not afraid to be her age.

She seems so resilient, what-

ever comes her way. There's nothing

trendy about her. People say

she's outmoded but I love her way of

upholding traditions with

such dignity. I would like to be a little like

her, even though I'll

never wear a crown.

Judy's role model for aging well is

someone she knew for 50 years

before the friend's death from cancer.

Nora was her "go-to" person

when she was troubled, the confidante

who could be counted upon

to provide perspective and bring humor

to most situations. Even

close to the end:

I went to visit Nora a few days before

she died. But as I was

about to enter the house, I met someone

leaving whom I didn't

recognize. She introduced herself as a

minister. I found this quite

strange, since Nora was a lifelong

atheist. I went on into the

house and saw what a terrible condition

my friend was in. I could

barely contain my emotions, but instead

of crying I said, "Now

really, Nora, what was a minister doing

here? You're an atheist.

What in the world could you say to her?"

She replied, in her typi-

cally droll style, "I didn't have to say

anything to her. I just let her

do all the talking." I would have been

quick to take offense in that

situation. Nora's attitude is an inspiration

to me.

Harriet's grandmother Amy was a hard-

working farm wife who

raised five children. Along with all her

other chores over the years,

she baked all the bread for the family. No

store-bought loaves on

their table:

YOU AND YOUR ROLE MODELS

I always went to see her when I came

home from college. One time,

I found her in the kitchen. She was

excited. "Look," she said, ges-

turing to yeast and water in a mixing

bowl, "I've discovered a new

way to make my dough rise!" I've always

remembered that scene,

hoping that I could be so willing to try

new things when I grow old.

Timothy is proud to have his

grandfather's name, Norman, as his

middle name. His grandfather died when

Tim was only 15 and he

still misses him today, many decades

later:

He was never in good health. He had

helped build the Panama

Canal when he was in the army and

contracted yellow fever, result-

ing in respiratory issues throughout his

life. But what I remember

most is that, even dealing with the

difficulties of his health, he

always had a sense of humor. Always! I

loved that about him. Now

I realize what a gift that was, to his

grandchildren. I hope I can

emulate that aspect of him as I get older.

John remembers his father as a kind but

imposing figure who had

strongly held opinions on, well, just about

everything. Despite the

family's concern about his safety and

that of others, John's father

was still driving his car on winding

country roads at age 91:

One day my father came home from

driving somewhere and handed

his car keys to my mother. It turned out

that a tricycle had been left

at the edge of the road. He didn't see it,

and he sideswiped it. "I am

so relieved," he announced. "There could

have been a child on that

tricycle. There wasn't, thank God. But I

know it's time for me to stop

driving." I wonder if I'll be so realistic and

decisive if I live that long.

I sure hope so.

Many of the qualities we admire in a role

model-and might want

to emulate-are consistent with our image

of that person. He or

YOU AND YOUR ROLE MODELS

she has seemed thoughtful or funny or

determined or empathetic

as long as we have been acquainted,

whether it's someone we actu-

ally know or a public figure. But

occasionally there's a surprise,

and it's the late-in-life behavior that we

find admirable. Cynthia

described her father's transformation:

My father spent most of his life as an

anxious, rather shy person.

Not very generous with his family, he

was often irritated with

his noisy, obstreperous children. When

both my parents were

in their 70s, my mother was laid low by

Alzheimer's-and my

father underwent a shift in his

personality. He was not in the least

ashamed of his wife's increasingly odd

behavior. He took amaz-

ingly loving and gentle care of her in their

home until she died at

80. During that period he satisfied his

boundless interests about

the world through reading and public

television. He became very

outgoing and people loved to be with

him.

A few years after my mother died, my

father married a woman

who loved learning and travel as much

as he did. Together they

ranged far and wide around the globe.

He died at age 92 as they

were planning a trip to Antarctica. His

curiosity and his remarkable

ability to change are what I admire most.

Not all role models for aging have so

many stamps in their pass-

ports, or enjoy the company of others to

such a great extent. As she

exits middle age, Barbara is able to

reflect, sadly, on her mother's

experience of aging-and to chart a very

different course for her

own life:

My mother had a long history of isolating

herself socially and it

didn't get better as she advanced in age.

I remember when she

married her fourth husband and moved

back to the area where she

grew up. Her best friend from childhood

still lived there, yet Mother

never reestablished contact with her.

When she was widowed again

and moved into a retirement community,

she wouldn't leave her

YOU AND YOUR ROLE MODELS

room to take her meals with other

people, or to participate in group

activities. Instead, Mother expected me

to come by every day after

I left work, to chat and pay attention to

her. in her last five years,

she was almost completely dependent

on me, my sister, and her

doctor for social interaction.

I am blessed with a wide circle of friends.

I value my connec

tions to many members of my family. I

have learned so much from

my mother's behavior, the example she

set. I am determined not

to repeat it

Liz offers a touching tribute to a positive

role model and mentor, a

friend who was in her 60s when they first

met:

My husband and I moved from the city to

the country when we

were in our 40s. With no experience

beyond tending a tiny patio

with a few geraniums, we suddenly

owned a rather large expanse

of garden. Then we met Roberta. Her

garden was big and unruly.

full of exotic-to us-plants and shrubs.

She was generous with her

knowledge I became her acolyte as we

wandered around and she

educated me about the joys of

horticulture, the beauty of different

flowering wonders

My parents had died young. I had no

model of an older friend

outside a work setting. As we slowly

shared our lives, I learned that

Roberta had lost her husband to a

terrible car accident and her

first-born son to an illness at age 3.

These tragedies informed but

did not define her life.

As Roberta reached her 80s, she

developed Parkinson's but

refused to become her affliction. She

remained the best company,

caring friend, keen observer of the lives

around her. As I age into

my 70s, I think about her constantly and

wish that her example of

a long life might guide mine.

In some relationships, the older person's

influence takes the form

of outright advice. If guidance turns

peremptory or patronizing,

YOU AND YOUR ROLE MODELS 45

we're apt to resist. But when advice is

offered gently but firmly.

with loving intent, we can accept it. Best

of all, it's a gift that keeps

on giving long after the source has

passed away. When Stephen was

25, he went to work at a small non-profit

organization. Ben was

his boss:

I only worked for Ben full-time for a few

years, but I stayed in close

touch until he died 50 years later. I knew

everyone in his family,

which sort of became mine. He was my

true North, representing

what I think of as the best values and

hopes for the world, and

always acting with integrity. Of course he

wasn't perfect. He had a

temper and you didn't want to get on his

wrong side. But his gener-

osity is what I will remember.

Ben always used the same intro when he

had some advice for

me: "You need to..."

I needed to read a book he

recommended, or I needed to recon-

sider some half-formed political opinion,

or I needed to push myself

to take on some new challenge. I can still

hear Ben's soft southern

voice, guiding my decisions and

encouraging me to do whatever he

thought I needed to do. He's always

right.

As a teenager, Alexandra loved to spend

time with her best friend's

mother, Mrs. Murray. Mrs. Murray was

probably not a day over

age 45, hardly an old woman, but to

Alexandra she was not only

advanced in years but also a model of

the kind of empathy that was

in short supply in her own family. Over

time, the older woman

invited Alexandra to call her by her first

name, but she politely

declined. Mrs. Murray would always be

Mrs. Murray:

I grew up in a very conservative religious

tradition. I had different

phases: trying to comply with all the

rules, rebelling against them,

trying to sort out what I really believed.

One afternoon when I was

probably 15 or 16, I confided in Mrs.

Murray, admitting to my confu-

sion and disenchantment with my

family's insistence that I adhere

YOU AND YOUR ROLE MODELS

to their brand of religion. Coming from

the some faith, she could

have disapproved. Instead, she said

simply "Well, just stay open to

it." Stay open to it, Over the years-now

I'm 76-I'm still trying to

follow her advice.

Celebrating his 60th birthday, Jerry

turned thoughtful about the

occasion, seeing it as a turning point

from which he could glimpse

his old age (which he likes to describe as

his dotage). He's happily

married, but admits that his worst fear is

loneliness, the possibility

of facing the later years of life without a

partner. Jerry envies and

admires a long-time friend who lives a

satisfying life as a single

man:

Despite being a good decode or more

older than I am, Cus keeps

his calendar jam-packed with activities

and events. I've learned I

can't call him at the last minute and

expect him to be available

He makes an occasional vague

reference to a serious relationship

in the distant past, but without the

wistfulness you might expect or

imagine. Gus often invokes the memory

of his great aunts in mid-

century Chicago, who were all widows

and

led full, vibrant lives. I

think they're his role models. Gus is

mine, if I ever have to live alone.

Jerry describes another important figure

in his life, a positive role

model at a difficult time:

Professor Hermann-as I always knew

him and still think of him-

was a senior faculty member whom I met

my freshman year in

college. He taught mathematics to very

smart people but I avoided

taking class with him so I wouldn't be a

disappointment as a stu-

dent. I cherished our social connection

and was dazzled by his tal-

ents as a skilled furniture maker and

accomplished musician. He

had a 10-foot Steinway grand piano in

his living room!

I adopted Professor Hermann as my first

gay mentor and role

model. I probably took advantage of his

friendship with late-night

YOU AND YOUR ROLE MODELS

calls of complaint and despair, but he

never turned me away. He

was a strong shoulder during my coming

out years when my par-

ents were busy being horrified. Now that

I'm getting older myself,

I can appreciate the example he set for

aging well. Along with eve-

rything else he gave me.

Joanne was in her 20s, single, tackling

the challenges of her first

real job and life in a big city. She became

friendly with her much

older neighbor, a retired art teacher who

lived down the hall:

At first I thought Edith must be 102, but

of course she was only in

her late 70s. I was flattered that she took

such an interest in me.

One day she invited me in for coffee and

asked if I would like to

see her latest art project. She had it

spread out on a big table. On

a large sheet of heavy paper she had

written in beautiful script,

almost like calligraphy-the important

details of her life to that

point. She had drawn details of leaves

and flowers between the

paragraphs, and a beautiful border

around the whole thing. I've

never forgotten that moment, when I

suddenly realized she was

sharing her obituary. I was so impressed,

that she could face the

ending of life with such clarity, such

acceptance. I hope I've taken

the lesson to heart.

"Curiosity about the world"-that's the

phrase that occurs so often

when people reflect on their role models

for aging well. Kenneth

spoke about his friend Keith, who was

well into his 60s when they

first met: "Until his death at age 92, he

was engaged with life and

he was always eager to make a new

friend. He remained curious

about the world, to the end." Marian

shared thoughts about her

father-in-law: "I'm too easily frustrated by

some of his quirks. But

I can't help admiring the way he's grown

older. He's so curious

about the world, he's even an early

adopter of technology I'm just

now learning about."

YOU AND YOUR ROLE MODELS

One positive role model qualifies for the

title by taking a short

walk every day at age 94, whatever the

weather. Another copes

r making

with his failing health without feeling

sorry for himself. Others

maintain their sense of humor,

sophisticated and witty or

bad

the

puns way they always have.

The honor also goes to those who adapt

to their circumstances

and demonstrate a late-in-life capacity

for change. These are role

models who defy the conventional

wisdom of becoming more set

in their ways as they age. Monica

described the evolution of her

aunt's personality: "She was pretty

uptight

when I was growing up,

quite intimidating. As an old lady, she's

less formal, more relaxed,

more accepting of all kinds of people. I'm

not sure she's conscious

of that, but it's so nice to watch someone

move in that direction."

Many of the qualities we admire in older

men and women are

grounded in their realistic attitude toward

aging. That realism takes

many forms. Maybe it's practical: having

the ability to plan ahead

but being willing to revise the plan as

energy dictates, or recog-

nizing that what used to happen in no

time at all-like getting

dressed-now takes an hour. Maybe it's a

kind of acceptance: the

woman who colored her hair for years

and decides to go gray, the

man whose balance was increasingly

precarious until he swallows

his pride and acquires a cane. Maybe it's

about the future, looking

ahead and talking openly about the end

of life: the parent who

makes her wishes clear, the older friend

who asks you to speak at

his memorial service when that day

comes.

There's no one set of instructions for

becoming a role model

for aging well. But such women and men

are out there, and we

do well to notice them and let them guide

us. You can take what

you need for inspiration. Keep your role

models in mind as you

proceed on your own journey.

Eventually, you can create your own

version-becoming an Outstanding Old

Person yourself.

DECISIONS

TAKING CONTROL, AND LETTING GO

As more candles are added to your

birthday cake, some of your

scenarios for the future are likely to be

up for revision unless you're

blessed with a large inheritance and

perfect health. The possibili-

ties how you spend time and with whom,

where you live, how

you get around-are not quite as open-

ended as they once seemed.

Because it's a good bet that at least one

of your resources is dimin-

ishing. It could be emotional energy or

physical stamina. It could

be time. It could be money. The older

you become, the more these

limitations affect your ability to

choreograph life to your liking.

Naturally, some of the choices you made

in the past have a pro-

found influence over the options

available as you grow older. As

Fred Astaire (among others) is alleged to

have said, "Old age is like

DECISIONS

everything else. To make a success of it,

you've got to start young."

That seems to have worked out well for

Fred, but few among us

had any clue, way back then. Now it may

be that the best you can

precluded

do is to make this connection between

past experience and present

options more explicit.

It's important to accept that certain

possibilities were

long ago. You got an education or

specialized training, or you

somewhat

didn't. You jumped through various

career hoops, or you didn't.

You became a parent, or you didn't.

These decisions are

immutable, past the age of 60. You can

audit college courses, you

can develop an "encore career," you can

volunteer to teach

children how to read. All well and good.

But except for some pos-

sible detours, most of us are traveling

pretty close to the same road

we set out upon a long time ago.

young

Let's give special attention to the choices

you made in good

faith-or innocence that haven't held up

very

well. Perhaps you

chose to be coupled but ended up single.

Or you moved into your

forever home and found you couldn't

afford it. Add to this list the

choices with repercussions over a

lifetime that would have been

hard to imagine, back in the day.

Marrying a much older spouse.

Moving far away from family members.

Choosing a career based in

a technology that became obsolete

before you retired.

Much of your decision-making in youth

and middle age was prob

ably guided by an informal consideration

of the ratio of costs and ben-

efits. For most of us, not a very

deliberate process. If you took risks,

you figured that at some level you had

the strength of spirit and the

resources to revamp and revise as

necessary. You could bear the costs.

If you didn't take risks-and with hindsight,

wish you had-you

need to treat yourself gently. Have you

ever realized that you did

the best you could at the time, given the

synergy of your circum-

stances and your fears? Give yourself

some credit. Besides, you don't

really know what the outcome would

have been if you had acted

more boldly or courageously, if you had

been more ambitious or

DECISIONS

adventurous. In your fantasy, you field

reporters' calls after learn-

ing you've received a MacArthur genius

grant. Could happen, but

what are the odds?

If living well in old age means bringing

some selectivity to

bear on the choices that remain, what

then? A first step is sorting

through the old ones, to recognize the

frustrating or disappointing

choices that can't be made over, not at

this time in your life.

This is hard work, to be so honest with

yourself. If you can

find some saving grace, some

unexpected satisfaction that emerged

from a bad decision, that's fine. It's more

likely that you'll end up

grieving for the man or woman-you-who

made those choices

long ago. It's tempting to judge that

young and inexperienced

person by the standards of your older,

wiser self. That's not fair.

Instead, summon your empathy and try

to forgive yourself.

Not easy. But you deserve some relief if

you are weighed down

by bags full of regrets when you make

excursions into your past.

Better to save your emotional energy for

what's ahead.

Taking Control

What are some of the dilemmas typically

associated with advanc-

ing age? There's your work life: if, when,

and how to retire, and

what to do thereafter. And your living

situation: downsize or not,

age in place or move to a retirement

community, stay in familiar

surroundings or relocate near family

members. Health issues: if,

when, or how to change doctors, to seek

a second opinion, to opt

in or out of elective procedures. Financial

decision-making: save

or spend, shop with coupons or treat the

whole family to a luxury

vacation, if you can afford it. And all

those baffling considerations

related to driving your car: daytime only,

perhaps, or sticking to

familiar routes, or reluctantly-turning in

your keys.

Whatever the problem you are trying to

solve, you may be sur-

prised by your sense of caution. A

certain degree of risk aversion

DECISIONS

goes

often with the aging process. This

trepidation can be trumped,

of course, if you're willing to adopt "if not

now, when" as your

mantra. To do that means accepting the

trade-off of downside and

upside, gambling that you can tolerate

the former in hopes of enjoy-

ing the latter. Adoption of this stance is

grounded in your under-

standing that life won't be affording you

these options forever.

Whichever group you belong to a bit

fearful or going for

broke-you can master the art of dealing

with life's possibilities

in a way that improves the outcome of

your decision-making. To

start, put some time and thought into

defining the issue you are

trying to resolve. You want the fullest

possible description of the

problem at hand. Consider making a list

and writing down all the

variables. Explore the quandary,

whatever

it may be profound to

seemingly trivial-until you've identified as

many angles as possi

ble. If you find that you are looking not at

one issue to resolve but

at several, that's a useful discovery.

When you can't think of another detail to

add, focus on the

consequences--the benefits and costs-of

each potential resolu-

tion of the situation you are addressing.

Your age works in your

favor as you bring an accumulation of

self-knowledge to this pro-

cess, pondering each possibility in

regard to its suitability for you.

Keep in mind that you are assessing

what's appropriate in the here

and now. Keep the memories of what

was once right for you at bay;

keep your fantasies of the future under

some control.

Then use your creativity to bring all this

analysis to a satisfy-

ing conclusion. Of course, some

questions can be answered with

a simple Yes or No. But consider that

your reward may be to find

a solution that's outside the original box.

Perhaps your decision

will involve phases or stages of action

rather than a focus on a

single point in time. Maybe you'll think of

a substitute for some

part of the puzzle that seemed

unsolvable, at the outset. You may

even experience a shift in the importance

that you give to the

DECISIONS

problem under consideration, granting it

less significance in the

great

scheme of things.

Let's look at some real-world examples.

Marie was diagnosed with multiple

sclerosis in middle age.

She coped well, relying on her resilient

spirit. But as she aged,

her symptoms were exacerbated. As a

meticulous housekeeper,

it pained her to let go of her high

standards and face the reality

that she couldn't live up to them. She

found dirty windows espe

cially depressing. One day she took

fresh stock of her situation.

She reconsidered the problem, thinking

about all of her win-

dows, throughout her house; she

rethought her options beyond

clean or not-clean. She made the choice

to clean one particu

lar window until it sparkled, and to

especially enjoy looking

through that opening to the outside

world.

Roy, a successful man in his early 70s,

was increasingly troubled

as he faced the decision to resign from

his accounting firm. He

loved the work that had defined and

supported him for decades.

On the other hand, it was hard to ignore

the fact that the firm's

junior partners were the same age as his

grown children. Long-

time colleagues were retiring all around

him. To resolve the issue,

he adjusted his focus beyond staying

versus leaving. He began to

wonder if there were alternatives to life at

the firm, other ways

to maintain his professional identity and

share his expertise. He

explored various possibilities, from part-

time consulting to a vol-

unteer job teaching the fundamentals of

accounting at the local

community college. He found he could

"retire" and add to his

résumé at the same time.

Natalie lost her husband after a long

illness. She was caught

between well-meaning friends who urged

her to relocate to a

nearby retirement community as soon as

possible-for her safety

and well-being-and others who insisted

that it was folly to make

such a big decision in the first year

following her spouse's death.

DECISIONS

She seesawed between moving and

staying in her own home,

and her anxiety spiked. When she

reworked the definition of her

dilemma, she began to find some clarity.

She made notes about

her hopes and her fears in this life

transition. She joined a support

group for widows and widowers, seeking

guidance from people

who didn't know her and didn't have their

own strongly held views

of what she should do. She researched

cooperative living possibili-

ties. Before long, the decision ("What

should I do?") gave way to a

process that she could pursue ("What

matters to me now and what

living situation would best support it?").

She made a thoughtful

choice, ten months later

Important celebrations-holidays,

birthdays, graduations, vaca-

tions, reunions present all kinds of

opportunities to revise your

decision-making in an older, wiser mode.

Maybe you've upheld

traditions of long standing, rituals loaded

with meaning to you and

significant others. The very thought of

making changes is unset-

tling, at best.

Ruby, a devoted mother and

grandmother widowed in her

70s, had a positive outlook on life and

was grateful to be in good

health. Still, she approached the

Christmas season with trepida-

tion. She simply lacked the energy to

make the holiday live up to

the expectations of the family members

who had always counted

on her, year after year, to create a

festive environment, arrange for

entertainment, and feed them all well.

On an occasion fraught with so many

memories, she knew that

any revision of the family's time-honored

routines should start

small. She admitted she had no idea

how others would react, but

she was determined. So she acquired all

the ingredients for the

three kinds of cookies her family

members deemed essential to the

celebration. She posted the recipes on

her kitchen cabinet doors.

When the first visitors arrived, a day or

so ahead of the others,

she invited them to bake the cookies.

There was some surprise,

DECISIONS

perhaps a little disappointment, but it

was a sugar-coated reality

check that their holiday producer and

director was, in fact, getting

older.

people

Whether you are struggling to resolve an

issue that affects other

e or one that has consequences felt only

by you, the attitude

you take about the outcome can make all

the difference. You've

heard it before, perhaps you have heard

it often, that the perfect is

the enemy of the good. It's a cliché at

any age but it has a special

poignancy as you grow older. Because

even if you can't resist aim-

ing for perfection, you may not have the

time or energy to achieve

it.

So if you didn't know it before you grew

old, you surely know

it now: that life is all about trade-offs.

Even as you adapt to some

new realities, even if you make choices

wisely and well, you can't

have it all. That fact feels so definitive in

old age.

But there are compensations. Given a

wealth of life experience,

there's the opportunity to make choices

more knowledgeably, even

as the options available are narrowing.

We have a data bank about

ourselves our strengths, our

vulnerabilities, our history in regard

to making good and bad choices-that we

can bring to bear on our

decisions. We know how to prioritize,

how to give more impor-

tance to some issues than others. We've

confronted so many chal-

lenges over the years and refined our

coping skills along the way.

And Letting Go

There's something else to consider as

you grow older. If you've

always thrived on taking charge of

various aspects of your life.

maybe it is time to practice letting go of

some of them. It's a dif-

ferent organizing principle, perhaps a

subconscious introduction

to the ultimate letting go, but offering its

own rewards. Whether

you seek relief, rest, or relaxation-

variations on a peaceful state

DECISIONS

of being--you can learn to release some

of the tension involved in

maintaining control. It takes some effort if

you've always under-

stood "letting go" as an inferior attitude or

a passive approach to

life. In old age, it's not avoidant. It's an

honorable, active choice.

Of course you want to take responsibility

for yourself as long as

feasible. That's a good kind of control.

But you can let go a little at

a time of taking responsibility for others.

You can choose to take

a back seat and let others lead. You can

relinquish your tight hold

on issues and agendas of all sorts. In

frustrating situations, you can

say to yourself, "It is what it is" and mean

it. You can ponder

some questions: What's the worst thing

that will happen if I skip

the meeting? If I send the birthday card

three days late? If I let the

grass grow another inch?

Picture the scenario and see how it feels.

If it's tolerable, you can

try letting go of some control-becoming

just a little less responsi

ble in various endeavors.

Sharon, reluctant to tell her age but

somewhere in her 70s, was

the consummate volunteer. Whatever

the cause, whenever the call

for help, she was likely to raise her hand.

She actually enjoyed the

feeling of being needed, and of making a

contribution. Her aging

was a graceful process, not obvious to

the world, with just a drop

in energy level and mild arthritis-in one

hip. But Sharon was tired

She wanted to give up her status as the

ever-ready helper, if only

she could find the words to opt out when

requests were made for

her involvement in a project. To her

amusement and the surprise

of others-she found them. When asked

to participate in some-

thing that was less than compelling, she

would say brightly, "Oh,

I'm so sorry. I have aged out of that."

Letting go is an adventure in adaptation.

Like most adventures, it

takes some courage. Like most

experiments, it involves some trial

and error. Who knows what you will

discover or how you will

feel about having fewer obligations or

revising your expectations

of yourself? Consider it a learning

experience, courtesy of aging.

WORKING. OR NOT.

In the bygone eras of our grandparents

and great-grandparents,

retirement was often a fairly simple

matter. You had worked long

and hard. If you were lucky you were

honored with a gold watch

and you entered the ranks of the retired.

If you had a profession or

managed your own business, you might

keep your hand in, seeing

a few clients or acting in some advisory

capacity. For many people,

it was up and out.

All this has changed. As a member of a

generation that is living

longer and enjoying good health and

vitality into old age, you may

have both the time and the energy to

pursue all kinds of options

other than traditional retirement. That's

the good news. The not-so-

good reality is economic: between

savings lost during a recession,

WORKING. OR NOT.

ongoing threats to pensions or 401(k)

plans, and the ever-increas-

ing costs of medical treatments and long-

term care, your need for

income may trump any fantasy of

watching old movies late into

the night-with no alarm set to wake you

in the morning.

Still, you may be able to withdraw from

full-time employment

in stages, or reinvent yourself and

pursue an "encore career." Some

employers have even developed

"phased retirement" scenarios in

which workers can notch down to part-

time hours while receiving

pro-rated salaries and benefits.

But if you've been a full-fledged member

of the workforce and

anticipate departing from it, or at least

significantly revising your

status, you'll need to decide when and

how to proceed.

In some cases, there may be no real

decision to make. Let's say

you've devoted many years to an

organization that has a mandatory

retirement age and it's six months away.

Or you've worked for an

outfit with no more room to advance and

there are few prospects

in your field for people your age. Maybe

your company offers -

a buy-out and after a period of

deliberation you conclude that it's

too good to pass up. Maybe health

issues or family responsibilities

make it clear that it is time for a change.

you

Maybe it happens-your job makes you

miserable. Colleen is a

prime example of unambivalent thinking

about retirement:

In two hundred seventy-eight days-I'm

counting them down-

I'll be free to walk out the door. I've never

really loved my job, but

the last ten years have been the most

difficult. Demanding bosses,

boring assignments. But I've put in my

time and contributed to my

retirement funds. That feels good. Soon I

will feel even better.

If the decision to retire-let's use the word

as shorthand for any

significant variation on the working life in

which you've been

actively engaged-presents more of a

dilemma, here's a process

WORKING, OR NOT

to follow. Just remember that you can't

in this situation with

out some angst. Don't pay too much

attention when some earnest

friend declares that another door will

open when this one closes.

even if that proves true. You're not there

yet.

to you or

Facing Your Feelings

The prospect of leaving a job and

relinquishing the satisfactions of

a career is bound to provoke mixed

emotions. Those trend to the

negative if health issues of your own or

the needs of people close

inflexible company policies dictate this

change. If you

loved what you did-if your work largely

defined who you are-

you're vulnerable to feeling sad,

confused, regretful, or resentful.

Or all of the above. For nearly everyone,

there's ambivalence. All

that time, all that energy, all those

rewards-psychic and practi-

cal-and you're on the verge of giving it

up.

For some people, the attachment has

been to the core substance

of the work itself. For others, the

interpersonal relationships were

primary. For still others, the prestige or

the perks meant more than

they might care to acknowledge. For

most, it's been a mix, a potent

combination of concerns, commitments,

and connections.

At the deepest level, the attachment may

be to life itself. It's no

surprise that there's an emotional

association between retirement

and the end of life. This transition is a

stark reminder of mortal-

ity. The determination to continue

working "let me die with my

boots on" is a metaphor for fighting to

stay alive.

It doesn't help that our society tends to

value performance over

any other measure of our worth. That

contributes to the notion of

retirement as a near-death experience.

Even if you find new ways

to spend time and fresh uses for your

ingenuity, there is still the

loss of those performance-driven

reinforcements of your impor-

tance from positive reviews (evaluations

and awards) to financial

WORKING. OR NOT.

rewards (raises and bonuses). The

suspicion that a human "doing"

is superior to a human "being" rests on

the fact that we are hard-

wired in our Western culture to excel at

the former at the expense

of the latter.

Facing your feelings means making an

honest appraisal of your

losses. Figure out exactly what you will

miss about your job or

your career and how that makes you

feel. Anxious, sad, fearful

that you'll soon be forgotten-they're all

part of your emotional

inventory.

Meryl was trained as a social worker and

advanced into an

administrative post in her agency when

she was in her 50s

Pondering the possibility of retiring next

year, when she turns 65,

she didn't hold back:

Of course I know I can be a volunteer in

my field. But I also know

will never again feel the excitement of

presiding over a contentious

staff meeting and bringing it to a

successful outcome. Or seeing

a child blossom as a result of my helping

to make fundamental

changes in a family. I may do something

interesting, even mean-

ingful, when I retire-but I know those

thrills are gone.

Making a Decision

Once you have admitted to your own

doubts and fears, consider

allowing others to be part of your

process. Retirement is a major

life passage, whether welcomed or

dreaded, and it can help to talk

it out. You may want to consult with

others who know you well

and are able to set aside their own

needs and wishes in order to

help you with yours. Admit that this is a

strange or difficult time

for you. Invite their input as you make a

two-column list of the

pros and cons, benefits and costs of the

decision to retire. There's

no room here for anything but candor.

Acknowledge reasons for

staying or going that may be superficial.

Include the trivial ("I like

WORKING. OR NOT.

talking sports with my assistant") along

with the profound ("Our

sustainable energy task force is making

real progress at last and I

want to be part of it"). Sit with the list for

a few days, go back to it,

review and revise. Compare the two

columns when you're satisfied

that you have honestly considered all the

angles of your particular

situation.

tinue

Or try living in each side of your

ambivalence for a period of

time. For a day or even a week, pretend

that you are going to con-

working, just as you have been, for the

foreseeable future,

perhaps a year or two. When retirement

thoughts intrude, let them

float away and refocus on the task at

hand, imagining that you will

stay on in your present job. How does it

feel? Are you a little disap-

pointed or a bit relieved? Calm or

anxious? Stay with it. Just take

note of your mood.

Then try shifting to the other side of the

ambivalence, adopting

the same time frame. Pretend that you

have left your work; you're

in the first year or two of retirement.

Naturally it will be a little

harder to picture a life that you have not

yet designed, but let your

imagination run free. What do you feel?

Apprehension or antici

pation? Resentment or acceptance? A

loss of control or a sense of

freedom?

Denise, age 66, was all too familiar with

the roller coaster of

ambivalence. It helped her to name it, to

give it some definition:

I was worried about not seeing enough

of my 92-year-old mother,

who lived on the West Coast. And I was

so tired; it felt like my big-

gest goal in life was to sleep later. Those

two factors made me look

forward to retirement with a sense of

relief.

Then I would get back in touch with how

much I loved my job.

Every day there was a different

intellectual problem to solve. That

sort of challenge and the teamwork

involved-that was cool. And I

was so apprehensive about giving it up.

WORKING. OR NOT.

But I was tired. After about a year of

reflecting on my situation,

I gave six months' notice. At the time, I

said that was for the benefit

of my organization, helping with the

transition. But now i think the

six months were really for me, to adjust,

to have said it out loud. It

made me think clearly, "OK, you are

going

to have to let go of this."

I probably could have changed my mind.

But I didn't.

There's no magic here, no foolproof

formula, but stay with the

process, take stock of your emotions-and

be open to surprises.

You might benefit from reflection of a

different order, if you're

still uncertain of your direction. Think

back to some of the impor-

tant decisions you have faced over the

years. Make a list of eight or

you still

ten. Delete the ones you truly regret and

any over which

harbor misgivings. Focus exclusively on

the best ones, the deci-

sions that led to good outcomes or a

solid sense of doing right by

yourself, whatever the odds. Then move

from that conclusion to

the process itself. What do you recall

about those periods of time?

What resources did you use? Whom did

you consult-friends,

family, professionals or did you go it

alone? Did you come to a

decision quickly or did you struggle, right

down to the wire? Did

you act on it easily, or revisit it

repeatedly before you could trust it?

If you came up with a cluster of good

decisions to analyze, look

any similarities in the steps you took to

get to a resolution. If

you note some consistency in the

methods that led to positive out-

comes, you may have a template-time-

tested, in fact for mak-

ing a decision about retirement. If things

seem more random-in

one case, you never confided in anyone

and in another you practi-

cally convened a village it's still a useful

exercise because you've

turned up a variety of factors that you

found helpful in making big

decisions in the past.

for

Gloria made a list of eight major life

decisions and was sur-

prised and somewhat chagrined-by what

she discovered. Six

WORKING. OR NOT.

of the decisions-including her choice of a

college, selection of a

major, and marriage at a young age

were impulsive. There was

little discussion with peers and certainly

no consultation with any

who might guide or advise her. She was

solo operator and

one

her decisions were faits accomplis-by the

time she shared them with

others, it was too late to reconsider.

Some years later, two decisions stood

out in contrast. When she

was divorced and the mother of teenage

children, Gloria debated

going to graduate school and embarking

on a new career. She

talked through the options with a

counselor, with close friends,

and with acquaintances in the field she

was considering. She feels

both pleasure and pride about making

that significant change in

her life. And when her children were

grown and she no longer

needed a three-bedroom house, she

spent months doing research

on downsizing and alternative living

possibilities. She read every

article containing an "empty nest"

reference. She talked with eve-

ryone she knew who might offer a

perspective on transforming

her lifestyle. Gloria gained the

confidence to move and establish a

new home:

Based on my prior history, I think two

things are important as I

approach the retirement decision. The

most obvious is the impor-

tance of engaging with a few other

people as I try to make up my

mind. It's not that they know what I

should do, but the conversa.

tion makes me think about things from

other angles, and more

thoroughly. The other has to do with the

process. I mean, it is a

process. It takes time. That's very

different from the way I handled

some decisions that didn't turn out well,

sort of all by myself sitting

in a room. And not sitting there very long

Some of the anxiety and uncertainty

surrounding the decision

to retire comes from its distinctive, once-

in-a-lifetime status in

the array of decisions that you make

over the years. "You only

WORKING. OR NOT.

do it once." "There's no user manual."

You are apt to come at it

as though you had no

preparation. In fact, you have a lifetime

decision-making to draw upon.

Decisions made in youth and middle age

have a forward momen-

tum. You choose whether to embark on

a career, to enter into mar-

riage, to have a child. To pick a vacation

spot or buy a house or

acquire a dog. There's a look-ahead, go-

ahead aspect to these choices.

In contrast, the decision to retire means

looking back and letting go.

It's not simple or easy and it deserves

very careful consideration. At

the end of the day, however, take

comfort and perhaps be guided

by the words of many older women and

men who have made this

decision: "It was time."

If you've come this far, see Making It

Happen (Appendix II) for

some practical pointers on implementing

a decision to retire.

What's Next

Do you need to know what's next? Some

people's decision-making

is very purposeful. They head into some

version of retirement in

order to have the time and energy for a

specific pursuit. Or pur-

suits. Volunteer work, home renovation,

college courses, adven-

ture travel, hands-on grandparenting-you

name it. For others,

uncertainty about the future is actually

liberating. The freedom to

explore various options, release from

responsibilities, permission

to Do Nothing-these may have more

appeal than making plans or

setting goals for retirement.

You know who you are and what pleases

you. If you were a

comedian, would you prefer a script or

improv? Are you tempera-

mentally a planner or do you favor

spontaneity? Do you stick to

familiar routes or are you more apt to

take an off-ramp without

knowing where it might lead?

WORKING. DR NOT.

And whether the decision to transform

your working life is

highly focused or exploratory at the

outset, you can always change

your strategy. After all, you're the boss.

Many people are surprised

by the discrepancy between their original

vision of life in retire-

ment and the reality as it plays out over

time, tilting in the direc

tion of becoming less goal-oriented, less

productive, more open to

taking long walks and meeting friends for

coffee. Sandra fits that

description:

I had been thinking about retirement

from

my legal career for some

time, had even cut back to three days a

week. But I was so afraid I

would sit at home and watch soap

operas, that I would became a

nobody. I saw a therapist for a few

months and he helped me talk

about my hopes and fears. Here's the

funny part. Thirty years ago,

if anyone had said to me, "You're one of

the ladies who lunch," I

would have been indignant. Now it's one

of my favorite activities,

having lunch with friends.

There are exceptions, of course. Some

women and men who joyfully

anticipated their freedom find that they

have too much time on their

hands. They yearn for structure and

meaning, They need to start

with a practice, perhaps move on to a

project. Later, we'll explore

those options.

Parting Moments

Once you have resolved your

ambivalence and made a decision,

don't just slip out the door. If you are

saying a final goodbye to

your workplace, you need to have an

ending. If you are restructur

ing your role and your responsibilities-

changing your status in

any significant way you need to mark the

passage from the old

to the new.

WORKING. OR NOT.

Closure matters. It's for you, so you can

reflect on the past and

receive whatever recognition or

on this

appreciation is offered

so they can

occasion. And it's for your co-workers or

colleagues,

and congratulate you on the transition.

True, there

may be some thinly disguised envy in the

form of bad jokes at your

expense. Ignore them or laugh along

with the group.

celebrate you

Whether because of modesty or

embarrassment, many depart-

ing workers resist the idea of a

retirement reception or party.

Others object because it may seem

insincere or pro forma. Still

others resent the obligation to smile

politely at the boss they never

liked and make small talk with a couple

new staffers they barely

know. Some, of course, welcome the

attention.

Just do it. Do it because we all need

rituals in our lives to meas-

ure and mark what's important. Do it

because it helps to close that

door so you can eventually open the next

one. Do it whether you

feel sad or upbeat, melancholy or

cheerful. You can cry or you can

laugh, or both. Just do it.

Deborah retired after 37 years as a high

school teacher. She was

passionate about her students and about

her subject, English com-

position. It wasn't easy to leave what she

loved, and the introvert in

her was reluctant to share this

momentous event with others. Still,

she had participated in a monthly

restaurant dinner with the other

teachers in her department and felt

reasonably comfortable-if

hardly gregarious in that setting. As the

end of the school term

approached, she told a few colleagues

that this would be her ending

as well. At the final dinner of the

academic year, she was honored

with a cake and congratulations. She

was surprised, and pleased at

the attendance: "Some teachers who

generally looked for ways to

avoid each other, who had no end of

conflicts and dramas-they

all came together for that dinner."

Along with agreeing to some kind of

planned activity in your

honor and participating gracefully-it's

important to take care

WORKING. OR NOT.

any unfinished business before you

depart. Is there a compliment

you've always wanted to give to a long-

suffering member of your

team but never found the right opening?

Now's the time. Are there

persistent feelings of disappointment that

you never expressed to

your supervisor? An exit interview may

give you an opening to

deal with difficult issues. You'll feel better

as you head down the

road.

What Comes After

If you're really leaving an organization,

you will need to figure out

how and how much-to stay in touch with

your workplace, if

that's appealing. Maybe there are valued

connections to maintain,

friendships of substance beyond the

work environment. It won't be

the same-now you have to make

arrangements to get together-

but there's little doubt that these

relationships have enduring value.

Your ties to others and to the group as a

whole are more likely to

dissipate over the months and years

ahead. Approaching retire-

ment, many people like to imagine that

their membership in an

organization will be renewed indefinitely,

despite the change in

their status. They may even picture

themselves as unpaid consult-

ants or mentors. More often than not,

that kind of connection

diminishes over time.

Grieving and that's what you are doing-is

long, slow pro-

cess of transforming reality into memory.

When you first experi-

ence any loss, it doesn't take much to

provoke regression. What

does that mean? In the case of

retirement, regression means hold-

ing on tightly eagerly seeking news of a

project you supervised,

gossip about your section members,

latest developments in your

field of interest. The need to belong, to

identify, may remain strong.

Thoughts about work and the workplace

arise frequently and spon-

taneously. As the process of letting go

evolves, your thoughts are

WORKING. OR NOT.

more apt to be stimulated by particular

cues the email from a

former colleague, the time of day

associated with a regular depart

mental meeting, the sound bite on the

evening news. Over time,

the feelings evoked by these

associations also change, losing some

of their intensity.

away

You could even find that your work-

consciousness shifts

from an active, wide-awake mode of

thinking and reappears when

you are sleeping. As one long-retired

journalist says ruefully, "I still

dream about being a reporter, imagining

that I'm on a story."

Whether your departure from work takes

the form of a tradi

tional retirement or a variation on the

theme, make it deliberate

Let the process unfold. Feel the feelings.

Share them with others.

Eventually you will achieve a kind of

detachment from the work

you did for so long-a detachment

endowed with varying degrees

of sadness or fondness, as the case may

be. In the future, when you

meet someone new who poses the

inevitable question-"What do

you do?"-you can respond with

satisfaction, "I did it."

YOUR PRACTICE,

YOUR PROJECTS

Maybe you are still working, either

contemplating retirement or

resisting it. Perhaps you are in the

process of modifying your work

life in some creative fashion. Whatever

your status, you'll eventu-

ally need to think about making the best

use of your time and

energy as you grow older. Here's where

your recent adventures in

self-awareness-your reflections on who

you are and what matters

to you serve a purpose.

You should have a practice. You may

also want a project.

Designing a Practice

A practice is simply a pattern of behavior

that is carried out time

and time again. It is a routine to engage

in without making lots of

YOUR PRACTICE, YOUR PROJECTS

decisions or choices. The actions are

essentially the same, over and

over. At a time in life when so much is

changing, think of your

practice as a way to feel more stable,

grounded, centered-what-

ever term you prefer-in the flux of

advancing age.

Engaging in a practice might sound like

indulging the well-known

penchant of older people for what's

familiar or rote, and it does

trade on that sensibility. But it goes a

step beyond, as an intentional

and potentially satisfying way to maintain

some control of your life.

If you've always worked, you already

know about a practice

because you had one: your job. Think of

all the fixed parameters,

from the hour you awoke to the time you

returned home at the end

of the day. In between, there were

various set tasks and obligations.

Even if you hadn't been employed in the

traditional sense, chances

are still good that you established some

predictable routines in

middle years, based on the variety of

responsibilities you had.

A good practice serves to give some

structure to your life. As you

free yourself from the constraints and

dictates that shaped your

earlier years, you can tailor your practice

however you like. The

most essential aspect is that the routine

appeals to you, enough that

you are willing to repeat it, over and

over. As you might guess, a

daily practice is desirable. Aim for

developing a practice that you

can carry out three times a week, at

minimum.

your

But a good practice isn't just a

dependable way to start or mark

the day. It can be social or solitary,

whichever you prefer. It can be

as active or as contemplative as you like.

You may know right away what kind of

routine would work for

you. It might evolve from something

that's already in place in your

life. Let's say you've been going to work

out at the neighborhood

gym twice a week after work. Now you

can add a third session and

get there earlier in the day.

If nothing comes to mind, think back and

wonder if there is

some activity to revive or build on from

your past. Maybe you

she was

YOUR PRACTICE, YOUR PROJECTS

enjoyed an early morning walk with a

next-door neighbor until

stransferred. Maybe you started that

meditation course and

actually devoted five minutes daily to

sitting in silence, until real

life intervened. Maybe you did crossword

puzzles on airplanes or

while waiting for the kids at soccer

practice; now you can devote

thirty minutes every morning to that

pleasure.

You can even construct a practice out of

various elements in a

combination that makes sense only to

you. Grind your own coffee

beans. Then take a cup of coffee to a

comfortable spot and read

the entire sports section of the

newspaper, including some sports

you never used to follow. Or brew tea,

head to that favorite chair,

listen to classical music, and take up

your knitting for forty-five

minutes.

You may want to analyze your days or

weeks in terms of what's

missing from your life or if you're still

employed, will someday

be missing. If it's the pleasure of

conversation with co-workers.

your practice needs to include the

companionship of others. If

it's physical activity, make sure your

practice involves movement

in some form, from restorative to

vigorous. If advancing age has

you nervous about gradually losing your

mind-has anyone been

spared that worry?-choose a practice

that engages your brain.

It's important that your practice be

essentially unproductive.

There may be an outcome-you finished

the puzzle-but there's

nothing produced. Because the moment

you think productively, you

leave the realm of the predictable and

the familiar. We're after

sameness here. You'll still have time in

the day and energy left over

for the stimulation of a project, which

meets different needs.

A practice is somewhat similar to a

hobby, the enjoyable leisure

time activity that you were supposed to

fit in between your hours

at work and hours spent on other

obligations, back in the day. With

one key difference-you want to keep the

emphasis on the process

rather than the outcome.

YOUR PRACTICE, YOUR PROJECTS

Georgia, age 72, is a professional

musician

who has played the

flute since she was very young, but

always with an eye to the next

audition or concert performance. In

retirement, she developed a

daily practice that was limited to pieces

she knew well and loved,

a kind of musical indulgence to start her

day.

Karen, age 67, recently retired as a

medical records specialist,

a job involving long commutes to and

from work. She mentioned

two conditions for a practice: that she

could do it without leaving

home and that she would find it calming.

Her first foray has been

to spend twenty minutes each morning

drinking her coffee and

working on a jigsaw puzzle, an activity

she has always enjoyed.

Mark and Jeffrey, both in their 70s, met

many years ago in their

local running club. Mark continues to

enjoy good health but Jeffrey

is coping with the consequences of a

diagnosis of Lyme disease.

After attending some stretch-and-

balance classes at their gym,

they designed a daily home practice

based on the same poses and

moves with an occasional gentle

exercise video from YouTube

for variety. Late morning works best for

Jeffrey.

Lee continues to take pleasure from a

practice he designed when

he first retired, ten years ago. In his

ritual, which takes a little

over a half hour, he makes breakfast.

Some elements are constant:

brewing the coffee, setting his place,

pouring the juice, toasting

the toast to just the right degree,

selecting the jam. One will always

be a work in progress: achieving the

perfect fried egg. He actually

enjoys the clean-up, completing a

succession of orderly tasks while

listening to a podcast.

It doesn't matter how long it takes to

practice your practice.

Fifteen minutes may suffice if you

choose something meditative

or cerebral or domestic. You'll need more

time if you go to a yoga

class or head to the driving range. Or

make Lee's breakfast.

Be sure to label your practice as your

practice, whether you

are talking to yourself or mentioning it to

someone else. Calling

YOUR PRACTICE, YOUR PROJECTS

something by a name makes it more

real, and you'll be more apt

to implement your plan. Telling another

person what you have in

mind also improves the odds that you will

follow through on your

intention.

After a while, you can tweak your

practice, even abandon it and

find another. But it's a good idea to have

a serious trial run before

making those changes.

When you come up with an idea,

imagine doing it, practicing

it over time-one week, two months,

maybe a year from now. If

that image appeals or even if you are

simply curious-just begin.

In the relatively unscripted, unscheduled

days of old age, your

practice serves as a buffer against

waking

up and having little or no

sense of what to do next. Some people

find that it is enough to sus-

tain them, along with the ordinary

business of maintenance-be it

taking care of the body or the home,

along with financial or family

responsibilities. They feel stable and

secure. Toss in some enter-

tainment, perhaps add some travel, and

they relish the freedom

from time pressures and the other

demands of their younger years.

Choosing a Project

But for many people, even a well-

conceived and reliable practice is

not enough to satisfy their interests or

their wish to matter or make

a difference in the world. They want

something more dynamic and

goal-oriented: a project.

The hallmarks of a project are creativity,

expansion, productiv-

ity-qualities that activate the imagination,

deepen knowledge,

facilitate accomplishment. Many people

give top priority to a pro-

ject that serves the needs of others.

Remember your first résumé with the line

at the top where

you described your ideal job? The

definition of your project is the

old-age equivalent. It may play on some

talents that you already

YOUR PRACTICE, YOUR PROJECTS

possess but put to a different use. It may

be a matter of combining

your existing skill set with gaining new

knowledge. Or it could

be a completely new venture, the kind

where people who know

you react in surprise-and no small

amount of envy-when they

hear what you're doing.

Parents and school teachers are familiar

with the notion that in

order to thrive, children need both roots

and wings. The same can

be said of older people. If a practice can

root you, a project can give

you wings: the chance to learn

something new, the freedom to cre-

ate in whatever medium you choose, the

opportunity to tackle a

challenge of any sort.

Your project can be stimulating or merely

engrossing. And while

your supply of energy (and your wallet)

may put some limits on

your ambitions, you are protected in any

endeavor by a no-fault

clause. You can "fail" and move on. Any

project in old age, how-

ever serious or frivolous, is an

experiment in determining what

suits your time and talent and

inclinations. You don't have to get it

right the first time. You don't have to get

it right at all.

Imagine some of the possibilities.

There's the learning category:

auditing college courses, brushing up on

a second language, attending

a lecture series, studying genealogy. The

good works category: vol-

unteer service of all kinds. The career-

extended category: part-time

worker, consultant, mentor. The arts and

crafts category, the sports

category, the cooking category. In all of

these, the choices are similar.

You can opt to refine or enhance the

skills

you already possess.

Or you can dare to try something new. If,

for example, you've

been doubtful but curious about the ways

modern technology

might enhance your old age, there's a lot

to explore.

Julia, just shy of her 79th birthday, was

coping with progressive

loss of her eyesight. A friend encouraged

her to buy a tablet that

would allow her to magnify pages, as

needed. The same friend

YOUR PRACTICE, YOUR PROJECTS

kindly offered tech support as Julia

learned how to use the device.

Her project has made it possible for her

to read the novels she loves.

Daniel is an octogenarian who proudly

lives independently, but

no longer drives. His daughter-in-law

Elisa

offered to drive him to

his medical appointments and to his

visits with family and friends.

He appreciated her offer but claimed he

didn't want to be that

I on her. When she suggested that he

use a ride service,

dependent

to the expense-until she asked him to

compare the

he objected

cost of these occasional expeditions with

the annual upkeep of his

own car in the past. It took a bit longer

for Daniel to admit to the

real obstacle: his unfamiliarity with the

ride service app on the

smartphone his family had insisted he

purchase a few years ago

"for his safety." They made it into a

project, Elisa coaching him

until he was an app expert.

Arthur is reluctant to reveal his age, but

I'm guessing he's in

his late 60s. He's tech-savvy, perfectly

conversant with all kinds

of devices and platforms. As a widower

nearing retirement, he's

quite aware of his potential for loneliness

once he leaves the

world of work. So his project is to

carefully research his options

for reaching out, staying connected

through social media or meet

up groups. Some friends have even

suggested online dating. He's

cautious, but willing to explore.

You may wonder how choosing a project

in old age differs from

signing up for any of the activities you've

engaged in over the

years. It's probably more deliberate-

you're

bringing that lifetime

of experience to the process-and there's

a matter of emphasis, of

making it your own.

For example, time was when your best

friend could pressure

you into spending some of your Saturday

afternoons helping out

with his favorite charity. Or perhaps your

own idealism or sense

of obligation propelled you into things

you just didn't enjoy. Now

YOUR PRACTICE, YOUR PROJECTS

that time is finite, spend that limited

resource on things that truly

appeal to you.

Then take the matter of responsibility.

When we're younger,

we're apt to be eager for responsibility.

That's where satisfaction,

not to mention authority, lies. In old age,

you need to think care-

fully do I have the energy or the

endurance to shoulder the

demands of this particular project? Do I

have the resilience to deal

with the inevitable frustrations and

disappointments that go with a

leadership role? Maybe yes. But don't be

afraid to say no.

Think about reclaiming a project from

your past. Travel your

own memory lane and see what you

discover. It could be a hobby

you discarded, designing electric train

layouts or baking bread. Or

a dream you deferred-perhaps improving

your Spanish or finish-

ing War and Peace

Or something entirely different.

Ellen, about to turn 70, wanted to

volunteer for a worthy cause.

Initially, she imagined a project that

would be global in context, or

at least national in its implications.

Imagine her surprise at learning

about a group of older citizens in her city

neighborhood who pick

up litter. Equipped with trash bags and

lifter tongs, they head out

together for an hour or so every morning,

scanning the sidewalks

in search of cigarette butts, soda cans,

and discarded carry-out con-

tainers. Sometimes they chat a bit,

sometimes not. Ellen loves this

very local project.

Also consider that you have old-person

privilege to pursue a

project of enduring significance, a

legacy.

You can write your own

memoir. You can scan family

photographs, assemble memorabilia

from generations past. You can create

an audio or video history by

interviewing other family members-

making sure that someone

interviews you. You can research and

document the history of your

town or your neighborhood or any other

subject of abiding interest

to you. These are all opportunities to

make a record of your own

YOUR PRACTICE, YOUR PROJECTS

life in the context of people, places, or

things that matter to you, a

record that will live

Why not?

on after you are gone. A bid for

immortality?

When you are older, time and energy are

not the renewable

resources that they once were. If you

don't have forever (and some

of your time is reserved for naps) it only

makes sense to choose your

entures wisely. Invest yourself-perhaps

with the same degree

of determination or enthusiasm you have

always mustered-but

Invest selectively.

It's appealing, this notion of choice. But it

may be a luxury you

can ill afford in your later years if you

bear responsibility for the

care of others. A spouse with a disabling

condition. Grandchildren

in need of supervision. A close friend

with no surviving family

members. If your life is defined by this

kind of commitment, con-

sider it your project. It's dynamic

because

it's ever-changing and

involves the creative use of a wide

variety of skills and aptitudes. It's

goal-oriented by definition: your purpose

is to improve the qual-

ity

of life of someone you love. The

entertainment quotient may

be low-we're not really looking for fun

here--but the sense that

what you do matters, that you are

making a difference, is profound.

Keep in mind, however, that you can't

keep giving out unless you

get something back in. Think about

finding some way to restore

yourself. Talk to others living similar

lives, whether you find them

at a support group or the neighborhood

bar. Try not to go it alone.

There's one more project to contemplate.

Taking care of your-

self. It's not so simple in old age. The

tasks of routine maintenance

multiply. Health issues become more

complex. Energy diminishes

and memory declines. To remain as

independent as possible, it

may well be that most-possibly all-of

your physical and emo-

tional resources need to be devoted to

the project of self-care.

This responsibility-taking care of yourself

in old age-is

self-centered in the best possible way. It

can give you a sense of

YOUR PRACTICE, YOUR PROJECTS

accomplishment and reinforce your

independence. You're still in

charge, to the best of your abilities. It's

safe to say you probably

never imagined that carrying out the

activities of daily living was

anything notable, let alone impressive.

You took it for granted that

you brushed your teeth, fixed breakfast,

took your vitamins. Now,

as you grow older, the minor and menial

details of life become

more prominent. They constitute your

infrastructure and they

deserve your attention. And respect.

Take some satisfaction from

accomplishing them.

Why This Matters

What are we after here, with these

notions of a practice and a

project? Why not simply wing it through

old age? After a lifetime

spent making plans and keeping to a

schedule, surely you deserve

to invent each day as you go along, if

that's what appeals. An end-

Jess vacation. Sort of.

But there's a universal need for structure

in our lives that we

can't afford to ignore. Whether you

welcome it or resent it, struc-

ture is essential. We all thrive by having

some order in our daily

life as a buttress against the confusion of

the world around us.

Think back again to early childhood.

Even the most relaxed parents

provide some organization for their small

child. Eating and sleep-

ing may be loosely regulated but they

aren't entirely haphazard

As time goes on, more strictures are

added until the child acquires

membership in a complex network of

customs and rules to live

by. In old age-here's the good part-you

can shed some of those

expectations or revise the governing

principles. You can organize

your days and weeks to suit yourself. But

the need for at least a

modicum of structure persists, and you

do well to honor it.

Whether you are developing a practice

or pursuing a pro-

ject, these initiatives serve another vital

purpose. They represent

maintaining

some control of

YOUR PRACTICE, YOUR PROJECTS

your life at the very time that so

geo-

power

much-let's face it-is beyond your control.

The vicissitudes of

health, the vagaries of family life, the

very

complexity of the g

political and socioeconomic worlds we

live in-how much p

do you actually have to influence these

spheres? It makes good

sense to make your small corner of the

universe as pleasing or

satisfying as possible, within the limits of

your circumstances. You

know who you are and what you care

about. You can be deliber-

ate in channeling your emotions,

allocating your energy, directing

your behavior. Older, wiser.

MOVING. OR NOT.

On any list of life's Top Ten Stressful

Events, making a move to a

new location ranks high. Does anyone

ever exclaim with delight,

"Here comes the moving van!"? Not

likely. An absence of enthu-

siasm is understandable, given the

combination of difficult deci-

sion-making and the complicated

logistics involved in relocating

yourself (and possibly other people), as

well as furniture, plants,

and pets.

All moves share some common

characteristics, but a move in

later life is endowed with its own

distinctive qualities. It's harder

o manage the physical demands of a

move when your strength is

a bit

compromised or your energy flags by

mid-afternoon; it's not

MOVING. OR NOT.

easy to stay on top of the details if your

best multi-tasking days are

behind you.

you

When you were younger, you could

settle somewhere for a few

months-even years and conclude, "I'm

not loving this." It may

have been relatively easy, when you

were quite mobile and your

requirements somewhat flexible, to move

on. As you grow older,

there are more constraints, some

practical and some emotional. If

you've lived in one place for a long time,

it's all that much harder

to leave it behind. Most profoundly, there

is a feeling a fear-that

a particular move could be the last one

you make, to the last place

live on this planet. It takes courage to

face that possibility.

But unless you are a true nomad, you

need a home. And here's

an opportunity to bring your self-

awareness into play, coupled with

constructive research into the various

options for living comfortably

as you grow older. Knowing yourself so

well allows you to judge

the alternatives against your own needs

and wishes; your research

gives you vital information about the

possibilities. Add to this mix

a candid appraisal of your current

physical condition, along with

any projection you are able to make

about your health in the future.

A reasonable formula for that prediction

might involve two parts

realism-based on your here-and-now

data

and one part hope.

Many-perhaps most-older women and

men would prefer to

"age in place," staying in their familiar

home environment as long as

possible. In other cultures and eras, this

was the norm. Your family

or your tribe or your village was

committed to sheltering and caring

for its older generation. In the Western

world in the 21st century, not

so much.

You can age in place, wherever you

desire, if you have the finan-

cial resources to maintain your home

and hire the help you may

need in the coming years. Absent such

riches, you can age in place

if you are endowed with a different kind

of wealth-a family with

enough members, energy, and

commitment to support you when

community sponsors

MOVING. OR NOT.

you need it. And you may be able to stay

where you are if your

mission is to facilitate aging in place with

the help of volunteer

networks. Or if you're willing to consider

sharing your space with

a bousemate or roommate.

Arrangements can vary from the sim-

ple expedient of dividing expenses and

chores to an exchange that

one of the burgeoning organizations

whose

involves caregiving responsibilities.

One variation on aging in place involves

moving from your

present living situation and downsizing to

smaller quarters in the

same city or town, hoping to live out your

years in a more com-

pact new home. You'll probably have to

face parting company with

some of your possessions, which is no

small feat. (We'll look at

how to do it in the next chapter.) You'll

need to say goodbye to

neighbors; you may stay in touch but it

won't be the same. You'll

need to let go of your fond associations

to a particular tree or view

from a kitchen window. You'll be bringing

closure to the history

made in that place.

The plot thickens, if you consider moving

to an entirely new

locale. You'll want to pay attention to all

the relevant trade-offs.

The known versus the somewhat-

unknown or just-plain-unknown.

The loss of a familiar environment versus

the adventure of some-

place new. Separation from friends and

acquaintances versus the

opportunity to make new connections.

You'll need to do more research if the

prospect of a retirement

home or continuing care retirement

community has any appeal.

You'll want to read up on the different

levels of care offered in

these institutions, the entrance

requirements, and the financial

arrangements. If at all possible, make an

in-person visit; some

retirement communities offer an

overnight stay as a way for you to

meet residents and scope out the

territory.

Again, the trade-offs. Contemplate the

loss of complete con-

trol over your living situation versus

being dependent on others.

MOVING, OR NOT.

Autonomy versus collaboration. Freedom

versus security. Of course

the contrasts aren't quite so stark, but

you get the idea.

A word about other influences. Grown

children head the list.

They are often the catalysts for moving

you to a haven, typically

some sort of congregate living facility

near them that they think of

as safer or more secure than your

current home. You may concur,

or at least be willing to accede to their

wishes if it spares

anxiety over your welfare. Close friends

may exert pressure as well

Perhaps they are optimistically headed

to some sort of supported liv

ing venue themselves, or they picture

such

places as highly undesir

able. It's like the decision to retire: listen

all you want, but be guided

by your own instincts.

If you are favored with good health and

adequate energy, you

can choose another way to live closer to

your offspring by estab

lishing your own home not far away from

them. This option offers

the potential for more daily involvement

and caretaking, as needed.

But there are important issues to

consider. Can you count on your

grown child (or children) not to relocate,

once you have moved

to be closer? How much time together do

you both anticipate?

How do your other adult children feel

about your proximity to the

chosen one? What role do you want to

play

with grandchildren?

Whatever your concerns, a frank

exchange about expectations will

improve the odds that this scenario will

end up serving the best

interests of all involved.

No Simple Chart

There's no simple chart to help you make

this decision, but there

are a few cautions to keep in mind.

First, identify the pluses and minuses,

pros and cons, to making

any change in your living situation. That

old standby, the two-

column list, is useful here. Even if you're

not a habitual list-maker,

MOVING OR NOT.

make one now, with "make a move" on

one side and "stay put on

the other. Draw a horizontal line through

each column, in the mid-

dle of the page. Above the line, enter the

benefits of each option;

below the line note the downsides.

Rather than adding up to some

kind of score, the goal is to use your

imagination and anticipate all

of the variables as best you can.

Christopher, a 79-year old widower, was

thinking about relocating

as his upcoming milestone birthday

approached. Under the "make a

move" heading, he wrote some potential

benefits: a fresh start after

his recent loss, freedom from the never-

ending demands of repairs

and maintenance that his older home

required, the possibility of

e walking and less driving if he found the

right neighborhood.

On the downside, apart from the obvious

effort of relocation, he

faced the reality of that fresh start: that

he would give up the famili-

arity and the treasured associations to

his late wife that his present

home represented.

When he listed reasons to "stay put," the

emotional attachment

to his current surroundings ranked high

as a benefit. On the other

band, he could imagine the downside.

He could picture himself

in a kind of limbo, not reaching out to

connect socially or involve

himself in new activities.

Christopher's conclusion was to wait

another year before mak-

ing this decision. He saw the value of

taking this approach to his

dilemma, to gain more clarity about both

sides of the issue. In

particular, he is motivated to make use of

the insight about living

alone. He is actively looking for times

and places to interact with

other people, a hedge against loneliness.

Annette and Roland, both in their early

70s, are a classic exam-

ple of a couple who disagree about

moving. Or not. Annette is

determined to take what she views as a

last chance to furnish and

decorate a home in a style that pleases

her. Roland, a creature of

habit by his own admission, can't

imagine altering his domestic

MOVING. OR NOT.

patterns no matter how lovely the

surroundings-he knows where

the coffee is stored in the kitchen, how

carefully the dishwasher

must be loaded to avoid mishap, where

his keys are kept by the

front door. And it's not all about Roland.

He firmly believes that

their aging dog Lola will also suffer from

any change in routine.

Neither partner was enthusiastic about

making a list of their

concerns, but they were willing to do it.

Annette initially balked

edged the value of continuing to live in

the house that her two

at coming up with any benefit to "staying

put," but she acknowl-

grandchildren thought of as their second

home. Plus, she could

consider a bathroom renovation that

would be aging-appropriate,

and various other upgrades to satisfy her

inner interior designer.

Roland was similarly resistant to finding

anything positive about

"making a move," unless they found

something close to their off.

spring, with much less grass to mow.

The couple is continuing the

conversation as they search real

estate listings on the internet. They are

making progress. Roland

no longer sighs heavily at the mere

mention of moving. For the

first time, Annette has accepted-without

criticizing-the reasons

for his reluctance. If they make a move,

she vows to be actively

involved in helping Roland re-establish

his routines, especially

those that include Lola.

If you are inclined to relocate, you might

think of it as trading

in one batch of nuisances or frustrations

for another, rather than

fantasizing that you're headed to heaven

on earth. There may be

some obvious gains-such as no more

snow shoveling in warmer

climes. You could be so tired of the devil

you know that you're

willing to take a chance on the one you

don't know. Your finances

or your health-or both-may make a

persuasive argument in

favor of change. But there's also a good

chance that the decision

will not be doubt-free. It makes sense to

recognize that. Besides,

with your lifetime of experience, you can

handle it.

MOVING. OR NOT.

A word about that lifetime. Over the

years, you've accumulated

all kinds of imagery about old people and

their environments,

much of it negative. You can do a slide

show in your mind of your

frail great-aunt alone in the deteriorating

apartment she wouldn't

leave, and that never-forgotten visit to a

nursing home where

there were bad smells in the hallways.

We all have a store of these

impressions, which can't be excised but

need to be taken for what

they are: understandable reactions of

your youthful self confront-

ing some shocking aspects of aging in

undesirable conditions.

At any age, a variety of prejudices can

interfere in the process of

figuring out how to live as you grow

older. They are all different

versions of an internalized bias against

aging. You'll want to review

your own. Maybe you sympathize with

Madelyn. Recovering from

a minor stroke at age 85, she withdrew

her application to move to

a retirement home because she saw "too

many residents on walk-

ers" when she went for an interview. Or

with Daniel, who-as

you may remember from the previous

chapter-received a kind

offer from his daughter-in-law Elisa to

drive him to his doctors'

appointments. Initially he rejected her

offer in an understandable

but misguided effort to assert his

independence as long as pos

sible. Madelyn and Daniel had this in

common: neither wanted

to identify themselves as "old," despite

the evidence. They were

determined to maintain their denial,

ignoring the risks to their

health and well-being

When facing the decision to move-or-

not-move, you'll want to

examine your preconceptions in order to

minimize their influence

over your problem-solving. Even if your

instinct is to hold them

fast, now is the time to rethink any overly

sentimental or patently

unrealistic beliefs: "I refuse to live

someplace where everyone is

the same age," "I've always enjoyed

good health and I don't see

why that would change," "It's too hard to

make new friends," "I

can't stand the thought of some stranger

living in my house." These

MOVING. OR NOT.

are common examples of self-defeating

attitudes. You may want to

add one of your own.

Another resource for your decision-

making involves reviewing

the relocations in your past. There's

likely to be relevant material.

In addition to recalling the specifics-

where and when-how did

you feel? What helped you make the

move, emotionally or logisti-

cally? How did you adjust afterward?

How would you arrange a

relocation differently, if you decide to do

it again?

Timing matters. If you've started to think

about making a move,

keep thinking. You need some lead time

to do your research and

check out the options against your own

priorities. You need even

more time if you are selling and/or

buying property, in the locale

where you live or somewhere new. If a

retirement community is

your destination, add in some waiting

time for a desirable unit to

become available.

Most important, you're getting older,

Make the change while

you still have the capacity to manage

various challenges. Physically,

it's hard to let go of that image of your

youthful self packing heavy

boxes and hoisting them effortlessly,

then driving an overloaded

van hundreds of miles to the new

location, all in 24 hours. Respect

your older body and its limits. You'll also

need the adaptability to

handle the logistics. If your heart and

mind are open to new expe-

riences, so much the better.

Coming Full Circle

You are coming full circle. When you

were a baby, your immediate

world was very small-but it was big

enough for you. You were

warm and snug. As you grew, you left

your cocoon and went forth

to explore. Making a home was less

compelling than having a life

Perhaps you stuffed all of your

belongings in a backpack and hi

the open road. As you grew older, your

priorities shifted, and you

MOVING, OR NOT.

settled down. Soon you needed a home,

a home big enough to hold

people and possessions. Maybe you

expanded even further-more

bedrooms, a bigger backyard.

Now you're moving in the other direction.

You may be wide-

ranging in your interests and global in

your outlook and that's

admirable. But you don't need to occupy

as much of the planet

as you once thought you did. For some

people, simplicity itself is

a value, and they enjoy edging closer to

that ideal. For others, it's

more a matter of casting off some of the

responsibility for home

maintenance and management. What

was once attractive or seemed

necessary in terms of scope and scale

has lost its charm.

argument

Think about what you actually need in

terms of physical space

and what seems essential in your

surroundings. Maybe that's an

for staying in place. If it's not, identify the

alternatives

and choose what's best-"best" as

shorthand for appealing and

realistic in reasonable proportions-for

you.

Be aware that significant grieving is likely

to accompany the pro-

cess of making a change in where you

live. It's not unlike the retire-

ment decision, when you depart from a

familiar space and place. It's

similar in that you need to make the

change in your life explicit, by

calling up the memories, naming the

losses, sharing your ambiva-

lent feelings with people who will listen

sympathetically.

Even if you've taken dozens of

photographs in your home, now's

the time to take more. Focus this album

the place and its sur-

roundings, the interior and the exterior.

Think about Marjorie and

Sam, an older couple in their late 70s

who treasured the dining

room cabinets they designed and

installed themselves, decades ear-

lier. Several years after leaving that

home, they still look at their

pictures of those cabinets with a little

sadness and a great deal of

pride. Which especially comfortable

corner or pleasing arrange-

ment on a built-in bookshelf would you

most like to document?

Maybe, ruefully, that dent in the wall that

never got repaired? Of

MOVING. OR NOT.

course you'll take a photo of the door

frame if it has pencil marks

charting the heights of children or

grandchildren

as they grew up.

In another parallel to departure from a

workplace, consider

some kind of farewell to this home,

recognizing the good times--

and, perhaps, the not so good-with

people who have shared in

your history there. It can be a simple

gathering for morning coffee

or something more lavish and

celebratory. The point is to mark the

occasion of the ending of your tenure in

that place. By honoring

your attachment to your old home, you

open the door to

well in the next one.

living

If you expect to stay where you are, you

can shift your focus

to planning sensible modifications of

your living quarters. Grab

important phone numbers easily

available. Consider signing up for

bars in the shower, good task lighting,

functional smoke detectors,

a medical alert system that notifies the

fire department or someone

you designate in case of emergency.

Moving or not moving, make the decision

deliberately and

develop a plan to implement it, task by

task. Let yourself admit

to the feelings that go with this life

transition, your own emo-

tional mixture of apprehension and

anticipation. Trust your own

instincts and abilities, and ask for help

when you need it. It's a puz-

zle with many parts, this question of

where

to live as you advance

in years. But you can bring your self-

awareness and life experience

to bear on solving it. Older, wiser.

LIGHTEN UP

Household items... clothes... sports

equipment... collections

of all kinds. As you've grown older, have

you occasionally felt

burdened by the sheer number of objects

in your possession?

Tired of keeping track of them or dusting

them or wondering

how to arrange them or store them? If

so, you may be the ideal

candidate for lightening up, a slow but

steady effort to say good-

bye to some of your worldly goods.

The project may be intimidating-it's hard

work-but you can

imagine the reward. You're almost ready

to edit your holdings, dis-

tributing some things around the world

and just plain disposing

of others. You look forward to the

simplicity of caring for fewer

things. As Susan, approaching her 70th

birthday, explained in, "I feel

LIGHTEN UP

like I'm living in a museum to my past.

This museum needs a cura-

tor, someone to deaccession a few of the

holdings. I guess it's me"

But for so many older people, this

prospect is hard to envision,

let alone attempt. They might prefer to

identify with the ancient

Egyptians who filled their tombs with all

kinds of beloved objects,

along with food and drink for the afterlife.

No need for them to

downsize. But in this life, if you anticipate

a move from a house to an

apartment or a retirement community, or

cohabitation with a rela-

tive or friend, your space will shrink. Put

simply, your stuff won't fit.

Theodore and Anna, now in their late

50s, entered the Foreign

Service when they were only in their 20s.

After dozens of relocations

around the world, they know how to do it

well. When asked if they

had any advice for older people facing

moves, here's Ted's

response:

Our approach works for folks of any age.

It's not so much about

the packing, but about the unpacking.

Ask yourself, "How will

feel when I unwrap this object in my new

space?" If you anticipate

greeting an old friend, the item qualifies

for the move. If you groan

inwardly and wonder why you dragged a

dozen empty jam jars-

you gave up canning long ago-to a new

destination, give yourself

permission to bid them goodbye.

many

of the

Of course it's a challenge when you care

deeply about

items in your personal inventory, whether

they are a testament to

the hard work that earned them or to the

good taste that acquired

them or to the relationship that provided

them. They're a security

blanket. It's natural to want to hold on to

what you've accumulated.

The prospect of loosening your grip

makes you anxious. It feels

like letting go of the life you've led, in bits

and pieces. Parting

a Monopoly game with

with books... outgrown children's toys

missing pieces... your grandparents'

National Geographic magazines

... and that crockpot you bought but

never used.

....

LIGHTEN UP

A word about that security blanket. You

may be someone who

feels most confident and content when

surrounded by many objects

in your personal space. You don't mind

what others might call clut-

ter. In fact, the sheer number of things

and their crowded disarray

feels normal to you. If you're motivated-

for

any reason to rear-

range and edit and part with some of

these possessions, that's fine.

If your storehouse of goods poses any

hazard to your health or risk

to your well-being, even better. But keep

in mind that only positive

reinforcement is helpful when we attempt

to change the status quo

of our collections, our stash of things.

Negative labels"pack rat"

or "hoarder"-inhibit our momentum when

we're facing a chal-

lenge with this degree of emotional

difficulty. We need our efforts

recognized, some affirmation that we're

making progress, one box

or drawer at a time. If no one else can

deliver that message, be sure

to deliver it yourself.

It's possible that the prospect of a less-

encumbered life is intrigu-

ing to you. More likely, it is fast becoming

desirable and even a

necessity as you grow older. In either

case, let's take a look at the

practical process of lightening up.

You're not going to make any big

decisions, not yet. But you

do have to start by choosing your first

category-books, kitchen

items, clothes, tools, whatever-for

thoughtful consideration.

Gather as many of these related items

as you wish and assemble

them in one place. Depending on the

size of your inventory, it

could be a table or a floor where there's

not much foot traffic.

Once you select your space, you'll need

to find a way to divide it

into three sections. Then create a label

for

each one: Discards, Find

New Homes, and Keep No Matter What.

After you tape or prop up these

signs in your staging area, take a break.

In the next phase, you ponder the future

of your possessions and

place them, one by one, in the most

appropriate section. Maybe

you're looking at something that has

outlived its useful life-might

LIGHTEN UP

it be eligible for the Discards pile?

Sometimes a worn-out T-shirt is

destined to be a rag or a badly chipped

mug deserves to be tossed,

But not without honor.

Reflect for a moment and thank the

object-however silly that

may seem-for its service to you over the

years. Thanks to the

silk-screened shirt our high school class

wore at our 25th reunion!

Thanks for all those 6 a.m. cups of

coffee! This ritual of express-

ing gratitude applies whenever you

intend to part company with

an object, not just the relatively few

things that are headed to the

trash. It's a little bit of life review, pausing

to remember the people

or place or circumstance with which the

item is associated. Say it

out loud, softly if you wish: Thank you.

Roger had collected baseball caps for

many years. They didn't

take up a lot of room and he figured he

could store them on the

top shelf of one of the closets in the

retirement home to which he

would move in a few months. He

reconsidered:

I got to thinking. For one thing, I knew I

wasn't going to be able to

reach that shelf easily. So they would sit

there. I decided to spend

time with each one and then figure out

what to do. Great baseball

memories! Like the games I went to with

my father when I was a

boy. The team my best friend and I

rooted for despite their losing

performance, season after season, until

we gave up. And there's our

city's winning team right now, I'm such a

fan, I have three of their

caps in different colors.

I chose two favorites to go with me in my

move. I put the rest

in a bag. This spring I am going to take

them to the Little League

practice near me and see if those kids

would have fun with them.

Let's develop some guidelines for this

project. You could set a timer

for 30 minutes. You could set a quota for

the day, promising to

deal with five objects and renewing that

commitment each day

LIGHTEN UP

until you are done. The main point is to

give this enterprise some

structure. The variations are for you to

design.

Assembling and sorting and determining

the future of your per-

sonal belongings isn't easy work, so feel

free to experiment. Maybe 30

minutes is too much and you need to

keep it to 15. Maybe the daily

quota should be a minimum of three

items and a maximum of five.

Keep in mind that this effort is

emotionally stressful. Be kind to

yourself. It's much better to proceed

slowly rather than trying to

plow through, only to find that you can't

sustain the pace and that

you and your possessions have arrived

at an unfriendly impasse.

Now let's tackle the more complicated

choices. Most of us live

life surrounded by things in perfectly

good condition. We just

don't really need them. And we don't

always have room for them

as we grow older, whether that's

psychological or practical. We

need to Find New Homes for them.

Home-finding is really recycling, although

not in the original

sense of composting or repurposing or

providing the raw material

for some new industrial use. This is

personal recycling in which

we have an opportunity to choose the

new owner of something

we've cared about.

After reflecting on-and honoring your

past association or

history with an object, focus on selecting

someone who would

make good use of it or simply enjoy it.

Finding the framed poster

a new home is just as worthwhile as

keeping it out of the landfill.

If you have friends or family members

who might appreciate

some of your belongings, start on the

process of passing things

around. You may feel a sense of

satisfaction, albeit poignant, when

a beloved possession finds a new life in

a younger person's home.

Fred and Dorothea, both in their late 60s,

bypassed their nephew's

online wedding registry and offered the

bride and groom a favorite

piece from their pottery collection:

LIGHTEN UP

It was a little hard to let go of that bowl

we bought years ago on a trip

to California. We actually used it as a

mixing bowl when we didn't

have much kitchen equipment. It

survived that phase, and later we

gave it more status as a salad bowl

when we had company over.

When we wrapped it up, we included a

note to Kevin and his fiancée,

explaining all of this. They sent us a

sweet reply, said they hoped we

would come for dinner after the wedding

and see it on their table.

Many older people have more objects to

deaccession than they have

family, friends, or acquaintances. You

can sell things on eBay or Craig's

List. You can give things away to

organizations that sponsor thrift shops

or distribute household objects to people

in need. You can donate things

to charity events. Books can go to the

local library book sale. If you're

lucky enough to live in a locale that

sponsors freecycling, you can post

a notice online that your still-in-good-

condition camping equipment

among the

is available and then choose the lucky

recipient from

eager responses. No money changes

hands, just good will.

Keep No Matter What sounds obvious

these are the belongings

you can't bear to part with. If you have

room in your life for all

of them, how fortunate! You've taken a

good look at the stuff-of-

many-decades and selected what really

matters to you; you have

the space to arrange or store them.

many

If you're not that fortunate, proceed with

caution. Take as much

time as possible to reconsider the status

of any apple-of-your-eye

object. Recall how much it has meant to

you, possibly for many

holds, whether it reminds you

years. Reconstruct the memories

of your favorite high school teacher or

your first love or that big

find

you

promotion. And if circumstances

eventually require that

the object a new home, take a photo of it

before you part company.

That image and your memories are

yours to keep..

If all of this seems overwhelming,

consider enlisting a compan

ion in the process. It may feel better to

have someone else around as

you make these decisions about things

that have so much meaning

LIGHTEN UP

for you. If you're unwilling to draft a

helper, or if it's impractical,

at least turn on the TV or play some

good music for company while

you work,

After she retired from her career as a tax

accountant, Rachel, age

67, thought about moving. She wanted to

live closer to her sister,

find new activities, and enjoy a warmer

climate. She had plenty of

available time and energy; the financial

aspects of settling in the

new location were favorable. But there

was no way she could put

her townhouse on the market in its

present condition. The base-

ment was filled with items she had

stored, not only the china and

keepsakes she had inherited from her

parents, but also the boxes

she had never completely unpacked

from her last move ten years

ago.

Rachel was familiar with the provocative

approach to declut

tering in which you take stock of your

belongings and discard

anything that fails to make you feel

joyful. She envied people for

whom that might be effective, but knew

she needed a different

strategy. She succeeded at the first step,

marking her staging area.

At that point she faltered. She balked at

the thought of dragging

the heavy boxes upstairs by herself; she

also realized that the scope

of the project-a lonely enterprise-was

greater than previously

imagined.

Rachel knew a high school student who

mowed lawns in the

summer. He was eager to earn some

extra money and in a few

hours made short work of lifting and

transporting the boxes

upstairs. Thinking of someone to keep

her company and encourage

her wasn't as easy, until she

remembered two co-workers who said

how much they would miss her and

urged her to keep in touch

after the retirement party:

I wasn't sure that helping me downsize

was what they had in mind,

but I reached out. Their response was

positive, and the two of them

LIGHTEN UP

took turns on Saturday afternoons over

the next two months. We

shared work gossip first and then they let

me go back to my tasks.

One helper turned on the TV to watch

football; the other used the

time to catch up on email. I didn't need

assistance with the specif.

ics of my project, but I was extremely

grateful for the presence of

other people. I felt less alone.

The decision-making-whether it takes

hours, days, or weeks-is

the hardest part of lightening up. Now

you can shift gears and

focus on the disposal of the Discards

and the implementation of Fine

New Homes. Timing is important.

With the Discards, be decisive. Put those

items in the trash or the

recycling bin or whatever option your

community provides. Keep

in mind that you've already thought this

through; no need to go

back to Square One after such deliberate

consideration.

With the Find New Homes, give yourself

some leeway to track

down the appropriate recipients, be they

individuals or organiza-

tions, and time to arrange or make the

delivery but not so much

time that you waffle and slip the items

back into your closet. Roger

put those baseball caps in a bag marked

To Little League Next April so he

wouldn't forget his plan. Rachel decided

to contribute some of her

parents' household goods to an agency

sponsoring halfway houses

for women newly released from prison.

One of her former work-

mates offered to help, and they made a

date for the drop-off.

When you've done a good job-which is to

say thorough-with

one category, give yourself credit. It's

well deserved, even if this

effort is not the kind of accomplishment

that the world is apt to

recognize, let alone applaud. Then move

on to the next category,

those half-empty paint cans or holiday

decorations.

As always, remember to say goodbye.

Express your appreciation

to your worldly goods and wish them well

in their next life-

whatever and wherever that may be.

DO LESS. BE MORE.

Let's pause here and revive that old joke

about the human "doing"

versus the human "being." Aging brings

this distinction into focus.

Our circumstances inner and outer-

gradually dictate a shift away

from the sometimes frenetic activity, the

busyness, of youth and

middle age.

You may think of this transition as a loss,

or perhaps a caval-

cade of losses. You're not hitting the

ground running; you may not

even feel like getting out of bed first thing

in the morning. Your

calendar isn't chock-a-block with notes

on where you need to be

or what you need to do; your

commitments are fewer and farther

between. Your adrenalin isn't pumping

with the old intensity;

no need to raise your blood pressure

when there's ample time

DO LESS, BE MORE.

for whatever the day brings. There's an

obvious risk inherent in

these changes, that you interpret this

new mode as your failure

to measure up to an old standard of

achievement. You may feel it

as a kind of passivity, laced with

disappointment.

The reality is that you've lived long

enough to explore your

state of being, even if you've never been

much for introspec-

tion-let alone contemplation. Now you're

given an opportunity.

Back in the day, some of us were

captivated by the exhortation

to "trust the process." Maybe you're

finally ready to go down

paths where the outcome is uncertain or

unimportant, where the

journey itself is the reward. It's still your

"one wild and precious

life," as the poet Mary Oliver tells us;

only the nature of the pos-

sibilities has been transformed.

Contemplation sounds so simple, as the

dictionary defines it:

"to think profoundly and at length." And

yet

it was so elusive-or

difficult, bordering on impossible for

many of us when we were

younger. The good news is that old age

is the perfect time to revisit

that contem-

the possibility of contemplation. You

could even say

plation is the special province and

privilege of old age.

For one thing, you have the time for it.

On a daily basis, you

probably have more time as you

withdraw from managing multi-

ple demands and responsibilities and

begin to simplify your life,

at least a little. Life experience is

relevant, too. You can reminisce

selectively, recalling the best times,

replaying scenes from long ago.

Nostalgia has a bad reputation as

sentimental indulgence when it

is really a wistful appreciation of your

past. Mortality may play a

part, too, if you face the eventual ending

of life as you know it and

are inclined to ponder what may or may

not lie beyond. Taken

together, these elements create the right

circumstances for late-in-

life reflection.

Breath is another dimension that

deserves attention as you grow

older. For much of our lives, we took our

breathing for granted,

DO LESS. BE MORE.

inhaling and exhaling without giving it

much, if any, thought.

Unless you had a medical condition that

affected your respiration,

performed

as a concert singer, or monitored your

lung capacity

as an elite athlete, you didn't pay much

attention to the constant in-

and-out of your breath.

But breathing is a natural talent, a

lifelong gift whether we

appreciate it or not. When we become

more consciously aware of

our breath, we can use it to our

advantage. It's a vital source of

information. "When I realized I was

breathing so shallowly, I knew

how much stress I was under." "I was

almost out of breath, rushing

to fit one more appointment into my day."

"I guess I had been hold-

ing my breath, waiting to get the test

results." You may enjoy a new

sense of control over your body as you

experiment with regulating

this remarkable resource, your personal

flow of air.

Restoratives for the Mind

101

Contemplation may sound ethereal, but it

really grounds you in

the here and now. It's almost a

restorative for the mind the mind

that has been so busy, perhaps so

driven, for so long "Mind," you

might say, "just hang out. Don't go

anywhere in particular, just

drift." If you prefer to mull something

specific, that's fine, too, but

make sure no PowerPoint slide or must-

do ticklist emerges out of

the silence.

There is one caution to observe. If your

attempt at contempla-

tion takes you into the past and you find

yourself recycling your

regrets and your errors-that's not

contemplation; it's obsessing.

And obsessing serves absolutely no

purpose; the only recourse is to

cease and desist. You may be someone

who does best with contem-

plation of something outside yourself:

dew on the leaf of a plant, a

Bach concerto, or replays in your mind's

eye of your favorite team's

recent win. For some people, movement

makes it easier. You can

102 DO LESS. BE MORE.

walk or ride or swim while contemplating.

Just don't drift too far

into the next lane.

When you were younger, you may have

explored the world

eagerly, ranging far and wide around the

globe. Or, possibly, your

idea of a big trip was the two-hour drive

to your cousin's house.

Whatever your roaming style, advancing

age may inhibit that pre-

viously enjoyed ease of travel. You can

blame your body's quirks,

your available energy, your bank

account-or all of the above

Contemplation offers you another

version of travel, revisiting

adventures of your past with no ticket

required. In this variation,

you call up memories from your stash of

images. That first time

you left home, took a train, flew in a

plane. The scenery you saw,

the people you met along the way.

Remember something you

did for the first-perhaps the only-time in

your life. Remember

something you ate. Remember your

effort

to communicate in

another language, and smile at your

attempt.

Since childhood, Sonja had spent nearly

all of her vacations at

a family cottage on a northern lake. At

age 74, her mobility was

compromised, to the extent that getting

there was increasingly dif

ficult. Friends knew it was a loss for her

and sympathized. But she

assured them, "I go there every day."

She did indeed, in her mind.

She had mastered the art of

reminiscence.

You're contemplative when you don't

rush to judgment on some

pressing matter but let it rest unsolved in

your mind for some

moments-maybe a whole afternoon-

before taking action. You're

contemplative when you come upon an

image or scene that pleases

you and you let it become a screensaver

for your mind. You're con-

templative when you let a piece of

chocolate melt in your mouth

for several minutes, savoring the taste

before you reach for another.

You're contemplative when you take time

washing your hands and

notice how the soap bubbles. You're

contemplative when you slow

down, soften your gaze, hum a tune.

DO LESS. BE MORE.

103

Meditation is another form of reflection,

akin to contemplation

but more purposeful, less free-form.

Some people meditate to clear

the mind of its detritus, seeking to

achieve a state of relaxation

and calm. Some people meditate in

pursuit

of a spiritual goal, be

it contact with a higher power or worship

of a divine presence.

While you need only to give yourself

permission to indulge in con-

templation, meditation requires some

discipline or diligence. It's a

practice requiring practice. While some

long-time meditators can

travel beyond the conscious mind with

no guideposts for the jour-

ney, most people need a bit more

structure, some kind of format.

There's sitting meditation, in which you

make yourself comfort-

able in a chair or on a cushion, close

your eyes, and devote your

attention to your breath. Inhale and

exhale consciously, slowing

down from the rhythm of daily life. You

may accompany the breath

with words that appeal to you, one for

the in-breath and one for the

out-breath. Or choose a mantra, which

just means a short phrase

that you repeat over and over. Some

experimentation is essential. It

can take a few tries, rejecting the

mantras that serve only to further

stimulate your thoughts until you settle

on one that is soothing.

The time frame for your meditation is

also a work in progress.

You might set a timer so you don't have

to pay attention to the

clock. You could aim to sit for three

minutes at the start and extend

the time as you develop this skill.

Because, as I said, it's a practice

requiring practice. (We'll visit this topic

again in Chapter 14.)

In walking meditation, a slow and gentle

pace helps to calm

the mind. It's important to choose a

destination in advance, along

a route that is easy to follow and as

much as possible-free of

obstacles. This is a walk, not a hike, and

it's a walk that's an end in

itself rather than a means to arrive

somewhere. In sitting medita-

tion, you maintain a steady awareness of

your breath. In walking

meditation, you pay close attention to

your locomotion, step by

step. And in place of repeating words or

a phrase, observe your

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DO LESS. BE MORE

surroundings. You are the lens of a

camera, recording what

see as you pass by.

you

If you're not so mobile, there's a variation

on walking medita.

tion worth trying. Visualize yourself on a

moving runway the

sort you find in big airports, only better.

Let that runway glide

gently and smoothly under you, in your

imagination, and pretend

that you are walking. Breathe

consciously as you "walk," slowing

down as you approach the end of your

"runway."

There's another kind of meditation that

requires no physical

effort. Listening meditation is just what

the name implies. Make

yourself comfortable and set that timer

for a few minutes. Close

your eyes. Then tune in to all the sounds

around you, whatever

they may be. It can seem counterintuitive

if you've always believed

that meditation meant ignoring all

distractions. Now you wel-

come the thrum of the air conditioner, the

babble on the street,

the thwock of your dog's tail. The buzz of

your smartphone, even

though you've set it on Silent. (Don't pick

up.) Simply listen and

savor the respite from your thoughts.

The Present Moment

What does meditation offer as you age?

At the very least, it's a

way to live in the present moment,

offering a time out from daily

cares and woes. It can provide diversion

and even some relief for

those suffering from persistent physical

discomfort or pain. And

for those who seek it, meditation is a

pathway to a spiritual realm.

How do you learn to meditate? Time was

when you had to sign

for a course, read a book, or seek a

guru. Now technology eases

the process with apps that guide and

encourage you. You can tune

in to a soothing voice and, over time,

learn to tune out any inter-

ruptions that break the spell. You may be

surprised by how well

you can calm your mind and rest your

body in only a few minutes

DO LESS. BE MORE.

a day. It's not the holy grail of

enlightenment that you're after-just

some tranquil moments in time.

Those moments matter. As his 90th

birthday approached,

Dwight said sadly, "I have no future, only

my past." He was right,

in an actuarial way, that his future is

limited. He was correct in

owning his

past, a past that is rich with ambitions

realized-albeit

with some dreams deferred. But he

missed an important point. He

has the here and now, the present

moment.

When your focus is the here and now,

whether you contemn-

plate or meditate you are practicing

mindfulness-an attitude of

acceptance of the thoughts, feelings, or

bodily sensations that arise

when you are in a reflective mode or

mood. Mindfulness is attrac

tive to the middle-aged as well as

millennials, but old age brings

an amplitude of time and experience that

can inform your explo-

ration of these states of non-doing and

give them depth. Maybe

you're seeking stillness, living and

breathing gently in the present

moment. Maybe your quest is to discover

some truth about the

cosmos and your place in it. Maybe you

just need to relax.

When we were younger, Nike exhorted

us to "Just Do It." And

we did, over and over, striving and

sometimes making our marks.

But as you grow older, the balance may

shift. Take time to experi-

ment and see how it feels, when you

give yourself permission to

do less. And be more.

The New Normal

105

Along with these expeditions to places

where your mind hasn't

dwelled before-or stayed very long-you

may experience a

shift in your attitude about aging.

Whatever resistance you have

mounted in the past, however reluctant

you have been to embrace

this stage of life, you become more

accepting. Instead of reacting

to each unwanted development with

alarm (the body letting you

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DO LESS. BE MORE

down, the mind slipping a bit), you arrive

at a new sense of what's

normal.

This doesn't happen overnight. The best

option is to remain

open to the possibility, to the evolution of

your self-image. People

will continue to ask the usual questions:

"What are you up to these

days?" "What are you doing?" Maybe

your response is thoughtful

and authentic: "I'm adjusting. I'm trying to

simply be the person

I've become, the person I am now."

But to make it more intriguing, that new-

normal-for-me person

is in some ways just the same as he or

she has always been. Maybe

you've heard descriptions of this sort:

"Really, I feel like I'm my

seven-year-old self, except for the aches

and pains." "I still care

about some of the things I was so fond of

when I was four-and

I still hate green vegetables." "My family

thinks I've become more

tolerant, more patient, the older I get. But

I think that's the real me.

There's just so much that got in the way."

We may not grow taller as we grow

older-in fact, we may lose

a little height-but we continue to evolve

in many other ways. Old

age is not that boring plateau I imagined

when I was younger. It

can be more interesting when you

maintain your self-awareness,

the recognition of that person you have

always been and the per-

son you are now. It can be more

rewarding when you take the

opportunity to put everything else aside,

breathe gently, and dwell

in the present moment.

WARRANTY EXPIRING

What's happening with that body of yours

as you grow older? You

can be healthy, maybe even wealthy,

and certainly wise-but some

changes are taking place without your

permission. And even if you

work hard to outwit them.

At first, it's gradual. Maybe it's about

energy, a realization that

you played with your usual enthusiasm

but were not at the top

your game. Maybe it's about locomotion-

your right knee has

developed a mind of its own and just

won't function properly.

Maybe it's about flexibility-trying to touch

your toes takes a lit-

tle more effort than before, and you may

not get very far. Maybe

it's about coordination-you were so agile,

such a physical multi-

tasker, and you are losing that edge.

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WARRANTY EXPIRING

Some of the unwanted developments

can be identified quite

specifically. Others are in that vague

category of aches and twinges,

minor glitches, and the hard-to-describe.

The operating system just

isn't what it used to be and there's no

update to install.

Of course, some of these setbacks can

be diagnosed and treated

by medical professionals. Once you

reluctantly conclude that a

problem isn't going away, you probably

visit at least one of those

practitioners. In the quest to figure out

what's gone rogue in your

body, you may even seek opinions from

specialists. As we grow

older, our list of contacts expands to

include consultants with

expertise in particular areas including

some we've never heard

of before-whether we opt for traditional

or alternative medicine.

For many, there's a learning curve to

interacting comfortably

with providers of medical care. Some

people-perhaps more

women than men have developed

familiarity with doctors over

the years. They have experience with

initiating and maintaining

those relationships, a sometimes tricky

balance between staying

open and trusting while asserting their

own needs. Other older

people are wary of encounters with

medical professionals. Maybe

it's related to a childhood injury or illness,

or issues with authority

figures, or simply feeling vulnerable.

It's almost inevitable that your

involvement with the world of

health care will increase as you age.

Some of the engagement will

be intimate and personal, related to the

rapport between you and

your medical advisors, the extent to

which you feel understood

and respected. Other hoops-to-jump-

through pertain to the com-

plex ways that health care services are

delivered, a confusing web

of preexisting conditions, portals, and

pharmacy plans. What sort

of practice or clinic or health organization

will you select? What

are your choices in regard to insurance,

the coverages and benefits?

Bottom line, how will you pay the bills?

Navigating the health care system isn't

fun. As with any endeavor,

preparation helps. This may include

internet research on what's

WARRANTY EXPIRING

ailing or troubling you-though it's best to

think of such research

as background information rather than

definitive. The same is true

of your conversations with concerned

family members or friends.

Most important, be sure to write down

your questions and con-

cerns in advance of any medical

appointments and refer to those

notes when you're talking with your

physician or other profes-

sional. Good advice, at any age.

109

If you're anxious-and your short-term

memory isn't at its best

these days-take someone with you to

your doctor visits. Maybe

you're fortunate enough to have a close

friend or family member

available. Or you draft someone you

don't know quite as well, that

nice neighbor who knew you were

dealing with some kind of health

problem and said, "Oh, I wish I could do

something for you." There

is. This person can serve as your ally

and secretary, taking notes (or

recording, with permission) the important

points of the consulta-

tion. You may be uncomfortable asking

this kind of favor. That's

understandable, but keep in mind that it

is an honor to be invited

into someone's rather private world, and

to feel trusted. We all need

to be needed.

If these appointments and

recommendations and treatments

bring relief, we're grateful. If not-if the

problems are mainly

related to our stage of life-we need to

design interventions of

our own. As my friend Edna, a woman in

her mid-80s, says, "You

adapt." And when that's not sufficient?

"Adapt some more."

What does adaptation mean? It begins

with acknowledging that

you've sought help and the problem or

issue persists. The next step

is harder to take: arriving at the

realization-the acceptance-that

whatever is troubling or bothering or

limiting you is a conse-

quence of age. We would rather believe

that our back feels funny

because we need a new mattress or that

sex didn't go as well as

usual because we enjoyed a little too

much

wine the night before.

In other words, a one-off-or at least

something we can try to

attribute to circumstances other than the

aging of our bodies.

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WARRANTY EXPIRING

After acceptance comes a different

challenge. You have a choice

to make. You can remain discouraged

and frustrated about the

change in your physical capacity, the

disruption in the reliable

ways your body has always functioned.

Or you can be willing to

modify your expectations. You can be

ingenious in developing

workarounds, those experiments with

different ways to cope with

your limitations. Some workarounds are

the realm of common

sense. Others make use of technology,

from apps and other soft-

ware to the hardware known as assistive

devices. Adapt, and adapt

some more.

Working with Workarounds

What's the simplest example of a

workaround? The nap. When energy

declines, when you can no longer count

on a late-afternoon surge of

productivity, when familiar night-time

sleep patterns are altered...

you can take a nap. A power nap for ten

minutes, or a proper nap

that's somewhat longer but not so long

that you're disoriented when

you wake up. Refreshing your system is

the goal, enhancing your

ability to press on with the rest of the day

and evening.

Some workarounds require strategic

planning. You can tackle

the most demanding tasks of the day at

the time you feel most

energetic. In keeping with the reality that

your need for services

is gradually overtaking your wish to

acquire more worldly goods,

you can think about outsourcing a chore

or two. If your hearing

isn't what it used to be, you can opt for

the quieter restaurant when

friends ask where to meet. If your

memory is unreliable these days,

you can write things down, from to-do

lists to weekly calendars to

the name of that movie you heard about

yesterday but won't recall

tomorrow. You can choose paper and

pencil or a note-taking app

or a voice memo to yourself, whatever

works best. Sometimes you

need them all.

WARRANTY EXPIRING

And some workarounds require

accessories. That would include

eyeglasses, of course, which you may

have worn forever. But if

you're having trouble reading fine print or

you can't see the street

sign (or you came much too close to that

dressed-all-in-black

cyclist in the dark intersection), maybe

you need a new prescrip-

tion. Even if you've gone through life with

20/20 vision, it's time to

reassess. Consider a larger typeface on

whatever device you prefer

for reading, or order your library book in

the large-print version or

the audio. Easy workarounds, and not

unduly expensive.

"What?"

For many women and men, eyeglasses

have been essential

equipment since middle age, even

earlier. Not so with hearing

aids, which carry a stigma that's hard to

overcome. Hearing loss is

probably the element of oldness that is

most often denied by the

owner of the ears. Somehow it seems

preferable to repeat

over and over again in a conversation-or

miss out on valuable

information than to succumb to that little

piece of hardware that

amplifies sound. Really, it's just another

form of adaptation, an

auditory workaround. Think about all

those young people sport-

ing gadgets in their ears. Think about the

fact that you can regulate

the volume and manage other features

of today's hearing aids with

your phone, which may already have

status as your number-one

assistive device. Hearing aids aren't

perfect and the best ones aren't

cheap, but they are worth a trial.

On the topic of stigma, consider aids to

mobility, the worka-

rounds that allow you to get around.

Hiking poles, canes, and walk-

ers serve a vital purpose if your

locomotion is compromised. They

allow you to adapt to your body's reality,

to do things and go places

you might otherwise avoid. It may be

hard to let go of your concern

about how others see you, but you need

to decide just how much a

random stranger's perception of you as

an old person really matters.

Even if you're better at watching sports

than playing them, some

kind of physical exercise is vital to

maintaining good health as you

113

112

WARRANTY EXPIRING

age. Maybe you fit the description of that

line attributed to Mark

Twain (among others): "Whenever I feel

the urge to exercise, I

lie down until it passes." Over the years,

you've heard the voices

of authorities encouraging-or pressuring

you to get up and get

moving. But this may be your last call to

start treating your body as

something other than a stand for your

head. When you explore the

many possibilities for shaping up or

working out, mobilize your

self-awareness. It's the same process

you

follow with any decision

when you are older and wiser: choose

something consistent with

what you already know about your

strengths, your foibles, your

lifestyle. Then think in terms of some

activity as always better than

none. It could even become the practice

you've been meaning to

adopt.

On the other hand, if you have been an

athlete or even a wan-

nabe, adaptation may mean rethinking

your goals, the ones that

have kept you aiming for your personal

bests over a lifetime.

Whether i don't run as hard or as long,

opt for lighter weights

or skip some yoga poses, you can still

stay

in the game.

you

This notion of staying in the game

applies surprisingly well

to sexual activity. The cycle of desire,

pleasure, and satisfaction

changes with age. Hormones don't fire

up the libido as reliably

as they once did, back in the day. Bodies

don't look the same or

respond as easily. The pace is different.

There may be more longing

for intimate touch, less emphasis on

reaching orgasm.

Many women and men are highly

motivated to keep their sexu-

ality alive and well at any age. They are

happy to revise some of

their expectations and willing to

experiment with various worka-

rounds. They need no permission to

remain sexually active, only

a positive attitude about adaptation.

Others decide that sex has

lost not only some of its intensity, but

also some of its signifi-

cance. Perhaps they grieve the loss of

that dimension of their lives.

At best, they find some poignant

pleasure in remembering their

WARRANTY EXPIRING

sexual past, calling up images from their

personal erotica. A private

workaround? Why not?

When we were young, we took our

bodies for granted. They did

what we wanted them to do, with little

conscious thought or effort.

As we grow older, we become more

aware of the gaps between our

hopes and wishes and our capabilities.

Coming to terms with this

reality inspires our efforts to adapt. We

negotiate with ourselves,

though it may not be easy. Maybe we

give up jogging and switch to

power walking. Maybe we mourn for our

lost inner athlete and set-

tle for nine holes of golf with a cart.

Maybe we revise some scenes

in our sexual playbook. But if we are

willing to make adjustments,

we are likely to find that the assets still

exceed the liabilities on our

physical balance sheet.

Coping

Years ago, when I was only in my 40s, I

lost the tip of a finger in an

accident. I was fortunate to get medical

help right away. I have full

use of my finger. But I can remember

how it felt to lose that little

part of my body. It was a shock. I tried to

talk myself out of having

any sort of grief reaction-good heavens,

it could have been so

much worse, this was not a tragedy, and

so on. But the fact was, it

was a trauma to give up even a quarter-

inch of myself. At the time,

I couldn't imagine the consequences of a

life-altering diagnosis or

a grave injury.

But as the years roll on, that kind of

innocence gives way to the

realities of the aging process in one way

or another. Maybe our bod-

ies have lost resilience; we tire more

quickly and heal more slowly.

We can no longer confidently assert that

we'll get back to normal

functioning just as soon as possible after

falling on the ice or endur-

ing the course of chemo. To make it

worse, it's often not "one darin

thing after another"-it's two. Or more.

Lying awake in the dark of

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night, we have doubts about our survival.

There's a sense that our

warranty has expired.

How do we cope, day in and day out?

How do we manage the

deep fears that are likely to accompany

the malfunctions in our

bodies? What if our mobility is severely

compromised and we

can't freely move about the world? What

if moderate discomfort

becomes outright pain? What if a

condition is chronic, an illness

potentially terminal? In such

circumstances we are faced with

grieving the way things were and will

never be again.

Intellectually, most of us have some

understanding that ail-

ments of various kinds come with the

territory of old age. A cer-

tain amount of physical disturbance or

cognitive diminishment

is unwanted but expected. If we're

fortunate, we have gradually

relinquished our defenses-maybe we've

developed some reliable

workarounds and created a "new normal"

way of living. But a seri-

ous illness or injury can disrupt that

adaptive strategy, sometimes

dramatically, marking a change in our

health status from well to

not-well. We may not have the luxury of

overcoming denial over

an extended period of time. Diagnoses

are

made and treatments

pursued.

Facing the new reality, many people

choose to fight it. Consciously

or otherwise, they treat the body as their

adversary and prepare to

wage war. Think how often you've heard

a reference to someone

"battling" cancer or "struggling with" a

critical illness. There's a

healthy aspect to this, if you think of a

determined will-to-live

mobilizing against the forces of decline

and deterioration. A hope-

ful aspect, if you think of the combatant

as energized to ward off

depression and despair. An

understandable aspect, if the motiva-

tion is around achieving particular goals-

visiting Italy or seeing a

grandchild graduate from high school.

When the poet Dylan Thomas urges his

father to "rage, rage

against the dying of the light," he is

referring to death rather than

WARRANTY EXPIRING

illness or impairment. But the thought is

apt, a kind of mantra for

those with warrior instincts.

Another Path

It's quite a different attitude to forgive

your body. To let go of your

anger and the perhaps unspoken notion

that illness or injury is

some sort of betrayal. You may start in

the same place-a mixture

of disbelief and denial that something

has gone wrong in the body

the

team as your faltering physical self. You

might even try to contem-

And when you think about it, how would

be to arrive at the

end of your life with the robust health of

the average eight-year-

old? Somewhere along the line, there

have to be some variations,

some deviations from that norm. Further

along, diminishment.

Still further, infirmity of one kind or

another is inevitable.

So you accept the likelihood of illness or

disability in some form.

You don't take it as a reproach or an

invitation to skirmish with the

forces of evil. Of course, this is easier if

the condition is relatively

benign, posing no significant threat to the

quality or length of your

life. When suffering is more profound, we

may be able to learn

from the fortunate few who make peace

with their condition. They

describe disease as a great teacher, as

distilling what matters and

what doesn't. They speak of passing

through hell-on-earth to arrive

at a new way of experiencing the world,

endowed with clarity and

resonant with deep emotion.

One thing is true. Even as you can't

control what's happening to

your body, you can choose the attitude

you take toward its decline.

You can work at adopting a mindset that

gets you through each

day, and only that day, one day at a

time. You can grieve the loss of

various abilities while you embrace the

capacities you still possess.

116

WARRANTY EXPIRING

Bill T. Jones, the legendary

choreographer,

interviewed people

who were coping with life-threatening

illness. Grounded in his

exploration and inspired by his

contemplation of their survival, he

created a profoundly moving dance-

theater piece and called it Still

Here. You are, too.

STORMY WEATHER

Many of us have an emotional tendency,

however slight or pro-

nounced, to feel out of sorts in some

fashion. The default position for

some people is sadness-a gloomy

outlook or a melancholy mood.

The sun may be shining but the world

seems dark. For others, the pre-

vailing tone is anxious. We fret, we

worry, we anticipate worst-case

scenarios. Some of us are familiar with

both of these emotional states.

We experience a shifting mix of moods,

baffling ourselves as well

as those around us. I'm sure I don't need

to tell you that emotional

distress comes in many variations over

the life cycle, you've lived it.

Ironically, old age presents a distinctive

opportunity to man-

age your moods and achieve a little

more emotional equilibrium.

It's related to your growing recognition of

your mortality. That

118

STORMY WEATHER

unappealing word simply indicates that

you don't have all the time

in the world. That being the case, you

might want to claim every

present moment, even savoring a few.

The Here and the Now

It's perfectly true that the future is

foreshortened in the sense that

it's not forever. But don't forget that you

have the here and now.

Living in the here and now sounds

simple, but it's actually

demanding. It requires us to put all of our

focus on the time at hand

and to make good use of that time.

Some attitude adjustment may

be required as well, to clear away the

kind of emotional debris that

interferes with taking pleasure in the

moment. For example, could

you forfeit your critical attitude in favor of

adaptation? Could you

imagine your frustrations giving way to

acceptance? And what about

letting go of old resentments rather than

clutching them so tightly?

Living in the here and now means

altering your perspective

from the big picture to the small, the

global to the village, the for-

est to the single leaf. Of course you

haven't lost your appreciation of

things on a larger scale, but you've

gained an awareness of the parts

that make up the whole. Living in the

here and now also means

paying attention to your pace. True, the

very recognition of mor-

tality prompts some older people to go

into high gear, determined

to check off items on their bucket list.

That's fine. But consider

the alternative that slowing down allows

for deepening your

experience of each moment that is still

available to you. There's a

good reason that we associate old age

with rocking chairs. If that's

too sedentary for you, take walks. If

walking is difficult, study the

clouds, feel the breeze, pet a dog.

Living in the present moment is not

passive. It calls on all your

faculties and all your senses. You were

good at it, once upon a

time, when you were a very small child.

It's time to come full cir-

cle and embrace it again. That's a

privilege of old age.

Darkness at Noon

STORMY WEATHER

But what if a discouraged mood crosses

an invisible line, from the

dan? It actively interferes with your daily

life. You find no relief.

transitory and only moderately troubling

to a more serious condi

The present moment has little appeal.

You can be depressed over getting old.

You can be depressed

about your poor health and a feeling that

you've lived too long

You can be depressed because you

have suffered from depression

for years and there's no obvious reason

to recover now. Some peo-

ple maintain that the prevalence of

depression declines over the

ife cycle as aging adults are relieved of

some of the obligations

of work and family. Others counter that

the losses inherent in the

later years the death of family members

and close friends, dete-

riorating physical health or cognitive

functioning, threats to finan-

cial security can easily trigger or deepen

depressive episodes.

All of these scenarios have some truth to

them. How they apply

to you depends on who you are. And so

does the treatment of

depression. Some believe in medication,

some favor counseling in

various forms, and some endorse a

combination of the two.

While researchers and practitioners

continue to search for defin-

itive solutions to depression-which may

not arrive in

your

life-

time, if ever-you can engage in your own

effort to lighten your

mood. It's not a cure-all or a substitute

for traditional approaches.

In fact, this strategy is quite compatible

with taking prescription

medications, exploring your childhood

fears, or reframing your

negative thoughts.

First, your attitude. You don't have to

cheer up. More impor-

tantly, don't let anyone else try to cheer

you up. This may be coun-

terintuitive, but it matters. Whether you

put the burden on yourself

10 grin while bearing it, or well-meaning

friends and family mem-

try to jolly you into a good mood, that

doesn't help. Because

the disconnect between the way you are

feeling-depressed-and

bers

120

STORMY WEATHER

the ideal way to feel-nat depressed-is

simply too great. You can't

reach that goal except in very small

steps,

and it makes you feel

worse to gaze up

at the mountain.

It also makes you feel alone, even

alienated, when people fail to

respect the emotional state you are in.

Depression is a lonely aflair to

begin with. Of course people who love

you want to instill hope for

better days ahead. And that's fine, as

long as the expression of hope

is preceded by acceptance of the way

things are for you, right now.

Which brings us to strategic planning,

the antidepressant version

in which you learn to plan your life. Each

day of it, hour by hour

Planning is deliberate the structuring of

your life into very

small segments or increments. Planning

is effortful; it takes moti-

vation. Planning is ongoing; it requires

persistence. Not so easy. But

it's free and there are no side effects.

This approach-scheduling your daily

activities-is helpful in

alleviating depression at any age. It

becomes especially valuable

in the later years when, typically, the

responsibilities of a job and

family life are diminishing. Time is no

longer at such a premium,

which can be liberating. Too much time,

on the other hand, can be

dispiriting, even demoralizing. But you

can manage it.

Write down everything you intend to do

in a day and evening,

on any scheduler app or piece of paper

you choose. This will feel

familiar, up to a point, from your hardest-

charging days when you

kept your appointment calendar up-to-

date or risked chaos. The

difference now is that you enter into this

template even the most

minor activities of daily living, such as:

Brush teeth

Feed cat

Make to-do list

Look for lost earring

Organize credit card receipts

Leaf through magazine

Clean top bureau drawer

Walk around block

Fix dinner

Get ready for bed.

You get the idea.

If you are so

STORMY WEATHER

discouraged that these activities seem

overwhelm-

you think

you can't

ing, break them down into smaller

pieces. If w

get out of bed in the morning, stop

thinking of it as one event

Think of it as a series of small

successes: stretch, yawn, turn to one

side, put one foot on the floor, put the

other foot on the floor. Take

it slowly, go back to square one if

necessary, then try again. When

Fue succeed at sitting upright on the

bed, congratulate yourself.

There is a natural fit here with the

tendency to recalibrate the

meaning and importance of various

activities as you grow older.

Once upon a time, these mundane or

trivial

actions or events were

wed as exactly that, hardly worth noting.

The older you get,

the more you may come to accord them

some respect as genuine

accomplishments, essential to a life well

lived.

Keep in mind that depression is a

disorder of mood, not a defi-

tion of personality. You feel bad but you

are not a bad person.

Here's where advancing age

exacerbates the problem. For some,

t's hard to resist recycling all of the

regrets accumulated over the

years. For others, the risk is obsessing

over dreams that haven't

come true. But whether your focus is on

genuine errors made or

fantasies unfulfilled, these thoughts are

useless. Of no value. They

make you more depressed. Don't go

there. Plan your day.

Soothe Yourself

You may be all too familiar with one or

more of the many forms

that anxiety takes. You've experienced it

over your lifetime in the

form of worry, irrational fears, or

obsessional thinking. Or you've

122

STORMY WEATHER

made it this far, generally calm and

resilient, only to be surprised

by feelings of uncertainty and

vulnerability

as you grow older.

Whatever your history, living well in your

later years involves

learning to soothe yourself. If you were

younger, I could make the

case for exploring and deconstructing

and

debunking the thoughts

that give rise to your anxious moments

or underlie your anxious

state. And we could take into

consideration other influences or con-

tributions from parental models to

traumatic experiences. These

approaches might be helpful, given

enough time. But time is in lim

ited supply and you deserve to find relief

and, eventually, relaxation.

Relief resides within you, in your breath.

Of course you've always known how to

breathe. But have you

ever consciously managed your breath?

Because taking control

of your breath is an excellent way to

diminish the out-of-control

feeling we call anxiety. You may have

experimented with this

after reading about "doing" less and

"being" more, in Chapter

12. But let's build on it.

Find a comfortable place to sit quietly.

Put both feet on the floor,

rest your hands on your knees (palms up

or down), and close your

eyes. Breathe in through your nose and

count slowly and silently.

one, two, three. Breathe out through your

nose and count slowly

and silently... three, two, one. Repeat.

Repeat again. And again.

As you might guess, your goal over time

is to deepen the breath

to a longer count-adding to your

sequence, maybe reaching five

or six. Also, as you continue to practice,

you can make the exhale a

bit longer than the inhale. If your nasal

passage is at all constricted,

you can breathe out through your mouth.

If you become bored with simple

counting, try some variations.

Choose words that resonate with you

and say them silently with the

inbreath and the outbreath: peace/calm,

restore/relax. Or imagine

that your breath has a beautiful color and

infuse your whole body

with that color as you breathe deeply in

and out.

STORMY WEATHER

123

With practice, see if you can work toward

sustaining the experi

ence for three minutes. Initially, set a

timer so none of your energy

is directed to the clock. Eventually you

may not need the timer.

This careful and rhythmic breathing

works on anxiety in two

apparatus in your body that mobilizes in

response to perceived

threats, real or imagined. Your nerves

have put you on high alert.

Conscious breathing is one way to ease

the tension. Cognitively.

you are defeating the negative thoughts

that fuel anxiety. You are

focusing exclusively on saying the

chosen numbers or words to

yourself, even as you maintain a vague

awareness of the sound

and sensation of your breath. Inevitably,

you'll shift back into use-

less obsessing or just ordinary grocery-

list-type thoughts. Consider

saying to them, aloud if necessary.

"Sorry, you'll have to wait." Go

back to your breath.

The key is practice. Keep in mind that

you can do this almost

anywhere, at any time.

past

Conscious breathing is especially helpful

with anticipatory

anxiety-the fear or dread of something

yet to come-and to

some extent with defeating recurrent and

troubling thoughts from

the past. It gives you a safe place to

retreat and restore yourself.

Many older people find themselves

preoccupied with their

mistakes, real or imagined, and suffer

from the kind of guilt that

keeps on giving. If there's something to

undo or apologize for, by

all means make amends. More often

your mind gets stuck in a con-

tinuous loop that replays these errors of

omission and commission

to no purpose, except for making you

miserable. There's a way to

interrupt those thoughts, at least

temporarily.

Go back to your comfortable sitting

position. Close your eyes

and imagine that you are standing in an

elevator on the top floor of

a tall building. You are alone, except for

your baggage-your trou

bled thoughts. Picture yourself pressing

the button and descending

124

STORMY WEATHER

one level. The doors open. Now you stay

in the elevator but teas

out one of the things you most regret-

something painful the

has bothered you for a very long time-

onto the floor. You leave

it there, the doors close, you descend

again. Floor by floor, you

throw your unwanted emotional baggage

out of the elevator.

Stay with this image until you feel a little

relief or a slight sense

of accomplishment. Either one is better

than lugging those bags

around.

Finally, you might want an alternative for

those times when

you don't have the patience to slow down

and enjoy something

as deliberate and restful as breathing or

as creative as imagery. It's

even simpler, really. You can counter

your anxiety through deliber.

ate action.

Do something. Do anything. It helps if it's

physical to some

extent, but that can mean sitting up

instead of lying down, walking

twice around a room instead of standing

still. When you feel jittery

or fearful, it's tempting to believe that you

are beset by feelings

beyond your control. It's not true. You

can alter your experience of

the moment, in the moment, by taking

some kind of action, how-

ever inconsequential it may seem. Pour

yourself a glass of water.

Stretch your arms over your head as far

as they will go. Look ou

the window. Do something.

Whether your distraction takes the form

of breathing, imagery

or a simple action, the respite won't last

indefinitely. That's life. But

you'll have some tools to help you cope.

YOU AND YOUR

CONSTANT COMPANION

other obsessions

325

Drinking to excess... smoking...

overeating internet porn and

perhaps you're all too familiar with

behavior

that's hard to control. If not, you get a

pass from reading this short

chapter.

But if you are habituated, or addicted, or

in some way depend-

ent on a substance or an activity that you

know is not in your best

interest, this is for you.

Here's the thing about compulsive

behavior as you grow older:

you and

I your behavior have probably been

together for a long time.

You're old friends. That's a big part of the

problem. In a time of life

that's marked by losses of all kinds,

imagine giving up something

YOU AND YOUR CONSTANT

COMPANION

you've grown so close to, relied upon.

Something so familiar, s

readily available. Why would you

want to do that?

That's a good question, and it can be a

tough one to answer

Let's start by thinking about the

consequences of your habit. Does

indulgence in the behavior make you feel

bad about yourself? Does

reliance on it make you feel even worse?

Consider, and take note.

Of course your behavior may upset other

people, people you

care about. If so, I'm sorry, and you may

be, too. But the wishes

and hopes of others are insufficient

motivation for you to abandon

the old friend we're talking about. Listen

to family members and

friends when they express their concern,

by all means. But that's

not enough, not by a long shot.

No, it's all about you and your self-

respect.

What difference does it make, that you're

growing older? For

one thing, as we've noted, it means

you've probably been relying

on whatever it is for many years. You're

a chronic user, eater ...

you name it. And over time you may

have tried all kinds of strate-

gies to kick the habit. Repeatedly.

Not such a good prognosis, is it?

But there's one big difference as you

approach old age. Time is

limited. This is likely to be your last

chance to feel differently about

yourself. I'm not talking about improving

your health or your mar-

riage. If those objectives were

compelling

you would have kicked

the habit long ago. I'm talking about

putting an end to the disre-

spect and the self-loathing, the

depression and the despair.

If that has any appeal, you might want to

think about ending

the relationship with your companion

while you still have some

time left. It's beyond the scope of this

book to lay out a complete

program for treating compulsive behavior

of any kind, but I can

help you make a start.

Timing. Life at this point is not a dress

rehearsal. The future is

not stretching out before you to a

limitless horizon. It's finite. As the

cliché has it, if not now, when? Let's

explore this. If you're honest.

YOU AND YOUR CONSTANT

COMPANION

what's your image of a life well lived and

how does that square with

the life you're leading now? Is that good

enough for you? When did

pou imagine you might do something

about the discrepancy?

That's looking ahead. What if you look

back? Do you think you

haven't smoked enough cigarettes?

Drunk enough booze? Watched

enough X-rated videos? Of course you

can continue. But let's won-

der if the experience will be significant,

let alone profound or even

distinctive. By definition, old habits aren't

very interesting. Some

are quite boring.

By contrast, consider the adventure of

ending any relation-

ship. Yes, it's scary and lonely, but you

may feel very much alive,

vulnerable to all kinds of emotional twists

and turns. It's the

same with letting go of a cherished

compulsion. However self-

defeating the activity may be, you've

valued its availability, its

dependability in your times of need-just

like a

any other flawed

but secure attachment in life.

127

About the scary part: you'll need ways to

fill the time, find sub-

stitutes for whatever it was you were

doing (and doing and doing).

You'll be giving up a pattern of behavior

that was entirely familiar

and reliable. You'll be confronting a void

and you'll be anxious. So

you'll have to learn to predict the pitfalls

and to plan-carefully

and purposefully-in order to successfully

maneuver around them.

As for the lonely part, a solution is

obvious. Don't try to do this

by yourself. If you've managed to keep

the behavior a secret (at least

you think it's a secret), you'll have to

come clean with at least one

person, preferably more. It's likely that

your troubled and troubling

behavior is known to others. Some of

them may be ready to help.

Others may be as averse to change as

you have been, and possibly

threatened by your determination to

defeat the demon. Choose

wisely. You need allies, a support

system. Think about connecting

with a 12-step program or any other

group that promotes recovery.

As you probably know by now, whether

you

are dealing with

an entrenched habit or a long-standing

addiction, a change of this

128

YOU AND YOUR CONSTANT

COMPANION

resolve.

kind is profoundly challenging. It's an

effort that requires mobiliz

ing your energy and your determination,

your patience and you:

So you need to be realistic, to consider

whether this challenge

is right for you. It may not be. But

contrary to popular wisdom,

old age offers opportunities to make

choices, to take control of

some aspects of your life. It just doesn't

keep the window open

indefinitely.

At the very least, this pattern of behavior

that has power over

you has become rather automatic. Do

yourself the favor of becom

ing explicit about it. Bring it into sharp

focus, claim it as yours-

and make a deliberate decision about its

place in your old age.

As a first step in the process, listen to a

few people struggling

with the issue of dependency as they

grew older. Maybe you'll

identify, maybe one of their stories could

be yours.

Harry reflects on a turning point in his

drinking life:

When I woke up the morning after my

sixtieth birthday celebration,

I had a terrible hangover. The day was

pretty much lost, except for

one thing. I got to thinking about my

father, who died last y

year. He

was what they used to call a functional

alcoholic. He never lost a

job, didn't beat his wife. But his life was

largely organized around

having his drinks. That seemed to be

what mattered most, even

more than spending time with us kids.

I've been drinking the way he did most of

the time, but some

binges like the night of the party really

scared me. I don't know yet if

I will have to give it up entirely but I know

something has to change.

Jane describes her relationship with

prescription pills:

I wouldn't have called it an addiction until

recently. I needed

medication to manage my pain after an

awful car accident in my

20s. But that was a long time ago. What

I'm doing right now is

YOU AND YOUR CONSTANT

COMPANION

admitting to the way I've been misusing

meds. I take pills to calm

me down, and I take pills to speed me

up. I look so healthy and fit

in my 60s, I've even succeeded in talking

more than one doctor into

writing me another prescription. As you

might guess, I have other

sources, too. I feel trapped, and I want

out. Not sure how to do it

but I don't like this image of myself.

Especially as I look ahead.

Stanley started gambling when he was a

teenager. Today, almost

fifty years later, the stakes are much

higher:

Yes, it's a compulsion but I love the risks.

Of course I love the highs,

but even the lows set me up to get back

in the game again. I've been

really lucky, sticking mostly-but honestly,

not completely-to legal

betting. Maybe I should worry about

getting in trouble with the law,

but I'm really much more concerned

about running out of money

before I die. My wife knows about my

habit, but not the extent of it. I

never gave this much thought when I

was younger. Now I'm anxious

about the future. This can't go on. I may

need some help.

Harry. Jane, and Stanley are each taking

a hard look at their past

history and their present situation. They

are owning up to their

distress over their behavior, admitting

that there is a problem. By arriv-

ing at this point no longer fooling

themselves about the toll taken

by their dependency-they are

overcoming

their denial.

129

This first step, this moment of clarity, is

essential to making

any revision of your life's script. It allows

you to wonder if your

future might somehow be different, even

if the outcome can't be

predicted yet. Harry, Jane, and Stanley

may follow different paths

in the days ahead. What they share is

the realization that they have

choices to make as they face growing

older. If you have a constant

companion, think about your own

choices. While there's still time.

THE SIGNIFICANCE

OF OTHERS

As the wise yoga teacher Max Strom has

noted, there is no app

for happiness. Maybe not, but that

doesn't keep people of all ages

from searching for it. Particularly when

this elusive happiness is

than one.

represented by a loving connection to

another person. Or more

The quest for connection, be it romantic

or platonic, sexual or

spiritual, is a constant theme in our

earlier years. Most of us have

a drive, sometimes compelling, to seek a

mate or partner; most of

as have a powerful yearning to be

chosen by someone to whom

we are attracted. And with very few

exceptions, we need com-

panionship. We don't want to go through

life entirely alone. So

we overcome our insecurities or

inhibitions

and work at forming

132

THE SIGNIFICANCE OF OTHERS

relationships. Classmates, friends,

neighbors. Colleagues. Extended

family members. Online contacts.

Supermarket checkers.

The degree of closeness varies greatly,

of course. Some people do

best keeping their connections at arm's

length while others crave

intimacy. The selection process varies,

too. Some tend to connect

with others of the same ilk-age or

gender, education or inter-

ests-while others enjoy the stimulation of

differences.

Connecting in later life shares some of

these universal quali

ties. But it also has a special poignancy,

created in large measure

by the losses we are sustaining. The rate

of attrition in our cohort

steps up. We lose family members, life

partners, best friends. It

can take courage to reach out again, to

risk being vulnerable, to

let others know you.

So unless you are an extrovert blessed

with unwavering opti

mism, making connections can be

difficult. It takes initiative. Little

wonder that the default position of many

older people is to with-

draw into their own skin or settle for the

secure base of a trusted

few. Also consider that our emotional

defenses-which may once

have served as strong and sturdy

bulwarks against rejection or dis-

appointment are often diminished as we

age.

You can't replace the people you have

loved dearly and deeply.

There are no substitutes. But oldness

offers a kind of compen-

sation, if you are willing to be flexible

with your expectations.

Relationships in the earlier stages of life

are apt to be characterized

by their intensity. We looked for that vital

spark of shared interests

and tastes, common values. We were

energized by these connec-

tions, often felt more alive. If the pairing

was romantic, there was

a crazy-in-love thrill; if the encounters

were sexual, there was pas

sionate excitement, a feeling beyond

your control.

Life changes, and so can you. It requires

a shift in your empha-

sis, in revising the considerations you

make in the process of reach-

ing out. When you were younger, many

of your interpersonal

THE SIGNIFICANCE OF OTHERS

connections were based on similarity,

some identification with the

other person. That felt good. As you age,

you can become less par-

ticular, more open to differences. Less

exclusive, more inclusive

of people unlike yourself. The goal is not

to replicate your own

attributes in someone else, but to enjoy

some simple camaraderie.

that we're-all-in-this-world-together

feeling. These companionable

interactions serve to buffer the feelings

of loneliness so prevalent

in later life.

As one example, take note of the

ships e

way the age factor in relation-

s evolves slowly over the life cycle. As

children or teenagers,

every year matters. Do you remember

when you thought the girls

two grades ahead of you were a different

species? Or as a young

adult, the whiff of scandal that went with

dating out of your age

range, seeing someone much older? As

the years go by, these dis-

tinctions lose some of their relevance.

Think how often you don't

remember a person's age-if you ever

knew it.

You may want to pay more attention to

the outer circle of

your social universe. I'm referring to the

people who populate

your daily life, the people with whom you

have brief encoun-

ters of all kinds. When you were

younger, you may not have

made time to connect with the UPS

driver or the barista, even

as they were essential to your well-

being. Now it's satisfying-

and hardly effortful-to engage in a little

conversation when you

receive a package, a little banter when

you place your order at the

coffee shop. As you age, you'll need

more assistance from people

in various helping roles. Take time to be

interested and apprecia-

tive and make those relationships matter.

You and Your Friends

What about the meaningful connections

that are already in place,

the friendships that may be relatively

recent or, more likely at this

134

THE SIGNIFICANCE OF OTHERS

point, the ones that have a long history?

Age has a bearing in a

number of ways, some welcome and

others somewhat perverse.

For example, it's essential to make

allowances for encroaching old-

ness. Aging friends forget the lunch date

or get the time wrong.

They can't find a parking place and if

they do, they can't remember

where the car is when they come out of

the restaurant.

Friends tell lang stories you have already

heard, more than once.

People who once engaged you in

intense conversation about world

events now report their blood pressure

readings or how they really

should find another physical therapist. All

kinds of foibles. You

have your own, of course.

But most of this age-related behavior

isn't directed at you per

sonally, even if you feel momentarily

disappointed or disrespected.

Whatever the misunderstanding,

however long you stand by the

movie theater box office wondering if

your friend will show up,

it's probably not about you. It's that old

devil, age.

It comes as no surprise that the

character of friendship alters with

the advancing years to include a large

element of caretaking. It isn't

only the conversation that changes, it's

the needs that people-includ-

ing you have as they grow older. Roles

change. You may be counted

on for emotional support in all kinds of

situations. It may be hands-on

care for the friend recovering from a

knee replacement or transporta-

tion for the neighbor undergoing cancer

treatment or the meal you

prepare and deliver to the newly

widowed. The range of events calling

out for your empathy and understanding

expands and the frequency

increases. Rather than responding to an

occasional call for help.

you're in it for the longer haul. At the

same time, you hope for-you

deserve some sympathetic attention to

whatever is going on in your

own life.

Oldness, when you think about it, is a

persistent condition.

Factor in illness or injury, either of which

can be acute, or chronic,

sometimes one leading to the other.

Friendship has always been

THE SIGNIFICANCE OF OTHERS

a mutual arrangement; now there's a

more significant element of

taking turns, responding to each other's

needs as they arise.

It's fine to bring some selectivity to your

friendship ties. Some

connections are really situational. The

two of you became acquainted

in some shared circumstance and

thought you had a lot in common,

but the relationship isn't standing the test

of time. There's no dis-

honor in withdrawing from that

involvement, although it may not

be easy. Or a long-running friendship

has caused you more anxiety

than satisfaction over the years and

you're simply tired of bolding

up your end. You don't have to say

goodbye. But if you bring your

behavior more into sync with your

feelings, it probably means a little

less contact.

On a more positive note, people often

report a deeper recogni-

tion of the value of friendship as they get

older. The notion that

originated in the gay and lesbian

community a few decades ago,

that friends can constitute a highly

desirable family-of-choice, has

gone mainstream. We're all the better for

it.

For the most part, we're taking stock

here of connections to

people who are more or less in your age

range, and that's fine.

It's also essential that you, as an older

person, have some younger

acquaintances or friends. Forget the

nonsense about proximity to

youth keeping you young. Envying the

six-pack abs of a 30-year-

old man or admiring the dewy

complexion of a 20-something

young woman hardly makes your years

fade away. Instead, it's the

contrast in our lives-young and old-that's

so informative and

stimulating. We get to find out what's

going on in the world from

which we are gradually withdrawing. We

get to watch the way

young lives unfold, with all the similarities

and differences from

our own.

What do we give in return? If we're

asked, we give wise counsel.

But we need no invitation to take young

people seriously and offer

emotional support. Unlike other authority

figures prominent in their

137

136

THE SIGNIFICANCE OF OTHERS

lives, we don't evaluate, we don't

criticize, we don't put any condi-

tions on the relationship. As older

people, we're simply there for

them. It matters not that we may dislike

their music and they may

not appreciate ours. As I said before:

we're all in this world together.

Intimate Partners

And the people who matter most, the

significant others, lovers,

spouses? How does old age affect or

alter those relationships? As

Pamela, the considerably younger wife

of an aging husband, put it

with a sigh, "I could write a book..." That

book would include all

the clichés about old age. Forgetfulness,

rising impatience, increas-

ing sensitivity, escalating frustration.

Some of these effects are

related to the aging of the brain; others

are consequences of the

sense that we are slowly losing our

influence in the world, if not

our bearings. Regardless of the cause,

we don't like what's happen-

ing with our dearest companions.

Besides, they serve as mirrors of

where we are or where we're headed.

We don't like that at all.

The reality is that your partner can't help

getting older any more

than you can. The behavior that irritates

or frustrates you isn't will-

ful or intentional. It is what it is-old guy or

old lady stuff. Once

you cross that threshold, that moment of

truth, you are on your

way to acceptance. Acceptance doesn't

come overnight, though,

and even if it did it might not last much

past noon. Acceptance

depends on your mood, your partner's

mood, and all the myriad

complications of life. Acceptance may be

transient, it may be frag-

ile, but it's crucial to sustaining a close

relationship in old age.

Good communication is essential, too.

That's always been true,

but now there's the more-so

phenomenon whatever a couple's

style of conversing, it's apt to be

exacerbated as each partner grows

older. Bickerers bicker. Stonewallers

stonewall. Not to mention the

part played by even a minimal hearing

loss

If sensitive issues

...

THE SIGNIFICANCE OF OTHERS

arise late in life, you and your partner

may need a refresher course

in Talking to Each Other (Appendix III).

way

ject.

We all need to grieve for the loss of the

way things were. The

he could be counted upon to tackle any

household repair pro-

The way she could be trusted to pay the

bills and never see a

finance charge. The way turning to each

other in bed could make

the day's frustrations disappear. Things

have changed. They aren't

so certain. It's sad, that we mark

advancing age by means of these

disappointments, but it's real. And so we

grieve.

If your partner's health or well-being is

compromised in some sig

nificant way it could be a brief episode or

longer term you take on

new roles. This may mean assuming

responsibilities you never had

before, and never wanted. Think about

the everyday tasks and errands

your partner can no longer manage as

physical capacity declines.

Consider the contribution to your shared

decision-making that is

altered when one mind is no longer so

reliable, so sharp. Little wonder

that the healthier or more functional

partner feels burdened by the

need, as 75-year-old Arnold put it, "to

think for two people." Some

say there's a trade-off in this stage, that

people are surprised by their

ability to adapt to the challenges. They

discover a kind of resilience

that they never knew they had, or find

satisfaction in taking control of

confusing situations, or learn to ask for

help. True for some. But even

with such enviable coping skills, all

intimate partners face the hard

truth that this transformation of their

relationship is demanding. If

they made a promise to stick together for

better or worse," here it is.

Then we develop or hope to develop-

tolerance. Tolerance is

acceptance buttressed by patience and a

touch of grace. It's what

we feel when we are at our best and we

love with our whole heart.

There's an element of fondness, maybe

a little humor. Think of

how

you want your own old-age quirks and

diminishments to

be treated by someone who loves you.

That's your model. Finally,

there's gratitude. Maybe you have a little

more time together.

138

THE SIGNIFICANCE OF OTHERS

Family Dynamics

Family relationships go through their own

transformations in old

age. For some, these really are the ties

that bind. At their best.

family members recognize that time

together is precious. One

insight is nearly universal: the realization

that parents are growing

older and will not be with us forever. This

passage-of-time aware-

ness affects same-generation siblings

and cousins, too. They find

ways to reunite across distance and time

zones. They feel a need

to touch base in the present and talk

about the past, reviewing or

reconstructing it. Memory lapses get

filled in, misperceptions get

revised, funny stories are recycled in the

process. It's the family

version of life review.

The family system often endures another

kind of shift, this one

unwelcome. We can predict-even accept

that the older gen-

eration will exhibit the signs and

symptoms of aging. We're not

counting on those relatives to be at full

strength, functioning at

100 percent of their capacity. But we're

taken aback at the news of

ailments or illness suffered by younger

members of the family. In a

perfect world, they were supposed to be

spared the fears and frus-

trations of any disabling condition. A

middle-aged son is diagnosed

with Parkinson's. A granddaughter starts

on a new medication to

control her seizures. Your younger friend

the one you counted

on to send you funny memes is coping

with an episode of clini-

cal depression. Sadly, more losses are

added to our expanding col-

lection of life experiences.

When your children have children, it's a

major shift in the fam-

ily dynamics. The appearance of a new

generation has a profound

impact on the senior members. This

development may have been

long anticipated, hoped for. More than

one newly minted grand-

mother has declared, "Grandparenting is

the only experience in

life that is even better than imagined."

The opportunity to nurture

THE SIGNIFICANCE OF OTHERS

young children without taking complete

responsibility for their

well-being is welcomed enthusiastically.

The doting may be long-

distance, aided by Skype, or it may be

hands-on, with grandpar

ents assuming a variety of important

roles in helping to raise their

grandchildren.

139

Not everyone feels this way about

achieving grandparent status.

and it can be hard to admit to some

ambivalence. Most obviously,

it's confirmation of your oldness. Other

consequences are more

subtle but significant. As 65-year-old

Alice

described it, "I hate to

say it, but I'm done. I raised three

children and it was hard work. I

love my grandchildren but it's time to

take care of myself." At age

71, Warren spoke of enjoying monthly

visits with his two grand-

sons. But he added wistfully, "I can't get

used to the loss of time

with their dad. He has a new focus, and

that's as it should be, but

I feel left out." Note, too, the discrepancy

between grandparents'

expectations and reality. If they hoped to

make use of the parenting

wisdom they gained over the years,

there's inevitable disappoint-

ment when their offspring fail to ask for

their advice. Or reject it.

Even as family traditions are maintained,

roles inevitably change.

Sybil, a grandmother of seven, described

what she experienced at

the family's holiday celebration. "The

next generation has taken

over! My eldest daughter did all the

planning and the grandchil

dren helped with the cooking. I felt a bit

overwhelmed, pleased

but overwhelmed. It's odd to say I feel a

bit lost in my family but

there it is."

A different kind of family connection is

retrospective. Many older

people experience a growing desire to

know more about their his

tory, their family's origins. This interest is

in stark contrast to those

youthful days when an elderly aunt

droned on about her ancestors

and you rolled your eyes. Now, whether

it involves contacting little-

known distant relatives or exploring the

internet to create a fam-

ily tree, genealogy can become a

fascinating project to pursue. As

THE SIGNIFICANCE OF OTHERS

with many endeavors, there are trade-

offs. In the best scenarios, this

research into one's own history is

grounding, offering a more secure

sense of identity and belonging. But

along the way, some revelations

are provocative. You might discover the

existence of a half-sister you

didn't know about, or learn that your

ethnic origins are not what

you've always been told. As you

proceed, stay aware that surprises

may lie ahead.

All families have their share of

misfortune, even tragedy. The

later years present a dilemma if a family

is burdened by conflict

or members are estranged. They can

seek reconciliation before it's

too late, or despair of the possibility.

There's sadness in coming to

terms with the realization that time is

limited, but it may serve as

a catalyst for reaching out, in the hope of

healing rifts. If not, there

will be losses to mourn.

Whatever the history or the prevailing

attitudes of the family

you grew up in or the one you have

created, the family dimension

of your life gains prominence as you

grow older. Much of that is

emotional resonance. When you ponder

your experience with the

most important figures in your life, it's

understandable and normal

to feel a mix of pleasure and regret,

satisfaction and sadness. Maybe

some of your dreams for those

relationships came true, some of

your hopes were fulfilled. For others,

your emotions fall on a con-

tinuum from mild disappointment to

heartbreak. From the vantage

point of advancing age, reflections on

family life are apt to have a

bittersweet quality. That's reality.

If you have issues of inheritance to

resolve at some point in

the future, expect some disturbance in

your emotional equilib-

rium. It takes courage to imagine a world

without you, even if

you hope to live on in people's hearts

and minds. But whether you

have a fortune to bequeath to lucky

beneficiaries or your legacy

consists of an old-fashioned set of china

and some treasured fam-

ily photograph albums, the dynamic is

the same. You will need to

THE SIGNIFICANCE OF OTHERS

make some decisions about dispersing

your assets and sharing your

worldly goods.

You do your survivors a favor when you

leave specific instructions

to be documented in your will. It's also a

simple fact

for after you're gone. It's common

knowledge that these directives

are

supposed

that not everyone is ready to make one.

If you are in that category.

try an experiment. Think about a niece of

whom you are especially

fond. Try taping a label-"for Sarah,

eventually-to the back of a

frame or the bottom of a pottery dish.

See how that feels. If

picture

it feels all right, you've taken a first step

toward making a will.

Another important aspect of family life is

practical, as Issues

of care and responsibility for an aging

family member-could be

you arise. In that perfect world, the

younger generation plays its

part willingly, siblings cooperate

harmoniously, and even the more

distant relatives come to your aid. But on

the planet that most of us

inhabit, there are differences of opinion,

frustrations and resent-

ments. It helps to keep in mind that

there's nothing new here.

When one member of a family needs

help,

old rivalries and ten-

sions resurface. Call them pre-existing

conditions. If you are the

focus of all this attention, your job is to

stay outside the family

energy field. Ask for what you need. Let

others determine how best

to provide it.

Change affects nearly everything as we

grow older, and it's

true of our relationships. Some

attachments become more temu-

ous, while others deepen and become

more profound. Many of

these transitions are beyond your

control, but others are yours to

influence. You play your part when you

treat people with respect.

When you attend to friends and family

members with kindness

and tolerance. When you assure your

most

significant companions

of your loyalty and love. Change is

inevitable. If you can adapt to

it, you can enjoy a measure of

happiness, however you define it.

Even without an app.

LOVES LOST

When you were younger, your world

could be turned upside down

when you learned of a friend's serious

injury or a family member's

grave illness, but there was a good

chance that you would eventu-

ally recover from the shock and regain

your equilibrium. As you

grow older, your world changes.

Although some people manage to

reach their later years relatively

unscathed, middle age is typically

a time of intermittent loss. Then, as you

age, the losses are likely to

occur with greater frequency-one after

another, and sometimes

simultaneously.

For nearly everyone, the most painful

losses are those of people

close to us. But there's no hierarchy of

loss, nor should there be.

Loss simply

means that something has gone missing

that was once

144 LOVES LOST

present and deeply valued. It could be a

person, a place, or a thing,

It could be a dog or a cat, a house or a

car, a bracelet or a pocket-

knife. It could be money in the bank or a

professional reputation

or your good health. Or it could be a

long-

held dream or fantasy,

when you have to accept that it will never

come true.

We're all so different. Some people

experience the death of a pet

with the same intensity as the loss of a

parent. Some people react

to the loss of a home or the end of a

marriage with a similar depth

of feeling. You know who you are; you

know what causes you to

suffer greatly.

Along with our individual vulnerabilities,

certain broad themes

influence how we respond to a loss. One

is proximity. Some people

are baffled when they find themselves

responding more emotion-

ally to the death of a neighbor than to the

loss of their favorite

uncle. The reality may be that they loved

their uncle dearly but

saw him rarely. The neighbor was close

at hand. There were many

interactions and exchanges, hardly

profound but enjoyable. Death

cheats us of the camaraderie. Day by

day, we experience its absence,

and we feel the loss more than we might

expect.

Another theme involves your self-

esteem. The more you feel iden-

tified with a person, a place, or a thing,

the more intensely you will

feel its absence. When you think about it,

this makes emotional sense.

A family member or a special friend

respects or admires or enjoys

you, perhaps all of these. You derive

great satisfaction and pleasure,

even a sense of worth, from this

connection. When this person dies,

it may seem that a part of you dies, too.

We suffer this most pain-

fully, of course, in the loss of the loved

ones closest to our hearts.

Think of other emotional investments

that make us feel good

about ourselves. You can be bonded to

the pet you raised, to the

garden you planted, to the institution

where you worked for many

years. These connections work both

ways. If we lose them-a

beloved dog dies or we abandon the

garden to relocate closer to an

LOVES LOST

adult child or we retire from an

organization that sustained us in

so many ways we feel the loss deeply.

Psychologically speaking, a

part

t of ourselves has gone missing.

Old

age

also means losing parts of ourselves in a

more func

tional sense. We're at risk for losing

some of our autonomy as

our minds slip and our bodies falter.

We're forgetfal at the very

least, confused

at the worst. We're not as mobile and

flexible as

we once were. We don't hear or see as

well. We tire more easily

than we want to admit.

We're also vulnerable to a different kind

of loss in old age, dis-

piriting in its own way: the erosion of our

authority or influence in

the world. Younger generations are

displacing us in the workplace

and the wider culture. Whether we like it

not, it's no longer

our turn. We would like to consult with

the local planning com-

mission, but our official term has ended.

We hope to share our

wisdom with the new parents, but the

advice columnists say we

must first receive an invitation to offer

guidance and it can be a

long wait.

Grieving the Losses

If loss whatever its character-is inevitable

in old age, how do we

survive? How do we go on without

feeling depleted and losing all

resilience? How do we persevere and

maintain some hope for our

own lives? We must grieve our losses. I

don't know any other way.

Remember that grief is the tax we pay on

our attachments. If

we didn't attach, if we didn't engage or

relate or identify so pro-

foundly, there would be no tax to pay.

The challenge facing us at

any age but especially as we grow older-

is how to make those

payments.

We begin by making our grief matter to

ourselves. It's not as

simple as it sounds. Your work-and

mourning is hard work-is

146 LOVES LOST

your

to recognize your grief, honor it, endure

it. You make your grief

matter when you spend time, in your

imagination or daydreams,

affection. Give yourself

with the person, place, or object of

permission to reminisce about your initial

attraction, to remember

what you shared, to recall the

milestones. Acknowledge the regrets.

Savor the pleasures.

If you are devastated by the sudden

death of someone you loved

deeply, your grief is immediate and stark.

You enter, helplessly,

into a dark and empty space. You may

lie awake all night or dream

strange dreams or lose your appetite.

You may feel bruised in body

and in mind. For many people, the

deprivation-having to go on

in life alone is central. For others, it's

more the change in their

personal universe, as though their

tectonic plates were shifting.

There is no one way to feel, and certainly

no correct way to feel

about the ending of a relationship. The

caregiver who has seen

someone through a long and devastating

illness may feel dis-

traught and relieved. The partner whose

significant other refused

to take responsibility for his health may

feel bereft-and angry.

Grieving takes many forms. Tears are

potent. People some-

times fear that once they begin crying,

they will never be able to

stop. Your weeping or sobbing may last

for a long time, but you

will eventually stop-and you will likely

feel some relief, each

time you cry. If that's not true for you,

consider the experience of

Rosemary, who lost her husband in a

tragic accident: "I was tiring

myself out with crying. I started asking

myself, 'If these tears were

words, what would they say?" Some of

the words were angry and

some were so sad."

It may help on some occasions to cry in

the presence of another

person. The witness to your sorrow

doesn't need to say anything

in particular or say anything at all. It's his

or her presence in your

time of trouble that matters, a quiet

affirmation of your distress.

LOVES LOST

147

More of the work of grieving takes place

when you tell the story

in detail, over and over if need be. Now

your witness becomes

a listener, and you speak of what or

whom you lost, when and

where and how it happened. In the case

of a sudden and traumatic

loss, telling the story can help to take the

horror-"the dark blob

that blots out everything else," as one

therapist calls it--out of the

experience. Slowly, piece by piece, you

integrate this terrible turn

of events into your life, your changed

reality.

There are many ways to grieve. Some

people express their feel-

ings by creating art, making music,

writing poetry-or taking long

hikes. Families search for ways to adapt

their routines and rituals

to the fact that one of their own is

missing, neither denying the

absence or allowing it to shatter all of

their traditions. An empty

chair for Grandpa may be placed at the

table on that first holiday

after the loss. An older sister's birthday

may be celebrated by shar-

ing loving memories instead of a cake.

Many grievers find it rewarding to pay

tribute to a person they

loved or admired in some tangible form.

Such memorials can be

extravagant. You've read about the

wealthy widow who donated a

new wing to a hospital in the name of her

husband, an expression

of gratitude for the good care he

received there. Other offerings are

simple and heartfelt. Grieving the death

of a mother who was pas

sionate about reading, her daughter

Tamara designed a memorial

bookplate with her mother's name and

dates. She pasted it inside the

cover of a dozen books-including some

by her mother's favorite

author and donated them to the local

library. Looking for a way to

honor the memory of an old friend, Frank

signed up to "Walk for

the Cure," an event to fund research on

the disease that claimed his

good pal. He was glad to make a small

contribution each year in the

man's name, but knew it was really the

walk with other supporters

that helped him to grieve.

148

LOVES LOST

Most importantly, label grief for what it is.

If we believe that

it matters-that grief is an inescapable

part of being alive-then

we learn to take care of ourselves, to

resist any pressure to make it

go away or to act normal, whatever that

is. We may have to turn

toward the direction of the skid, so to

speak, before eventually

pulling out of the icy patch and getting

back on the road.

Sometimes grief arrives unannounced

and unbidden, a wave

of mourning that overwhelms you when

the finality of a loss

sinks in, perhaps months or even years

later. The prompt may be

a holiday, a loved one's birthday, a trip to

your old hometown, or

a song from the '60s on Pandora. A loss

may be revisited and grief

revived over a very long period of time.

There is no universal

timetable.

When the death is that of a loved one,

the rituals of a culture

or faith may surround and uphold the

griever. Some mourning

traditions have been abandoned or

revised in contemporary soci-

ety-the black armband is no more-but

other customs endure

and comfort. What matters is the

affirmation of the grieving that

is taking place. The sympathy can arrive

in the form of a casserole

or a green plant. It can come as a fond

recollection of the one who

passed away, shared in person or

posted online.

It's different when the loss you suffer is

not known to others.

With a lifetime of experiences, some

older people have attach-

ments that are private, even secret.

When these come to an end.

grief can be especially lonely.

The loss of close friends is a common

and poignant experience

in old age. Maybe these are friendships

enjoyed over a lifetime,

forged in the halls of high school and

strengthened ever since. Or a

friendship made more recently in the

retirement community din-

ing room, where you were beguiled by

your table companion's

warmth and wit. Unlike family members,

these are the people we

have actually chosen to make part of our

lives. We have invested

LOVES LOST 149

emotionally, but selectively. These are

cur peers, and we felt we

were all in this together, until one

departs. And, all too often,

another. Along with missing our

companions, there's the almost-

the-same-age factor playing its part here:

the heightened awareness

that our turn will come, too.

Grieving is really a long, slow process of

transforming real

people and places, real objects and

experiences, into memories.

can help us in this journey. We do well

when we can hold

Symbols

cn to

o something that represents our loss. My

washing machine

broke down some years ago. I couldn't

fathom how many loads of

family laundry it had washed and rinsed;

I only knew a deep well

of sadness when it died. Of course, it

wasn't the machine itself;

it was what it represented my years of

raising a family, with all

the trials, tribulations, and joys. Before it

was carted away to make

room for its replacement, I managed to

remove the control panel

and I kept it for a long time as a

memento. Strange to you, I'm sure,

but satisfying for me. Grieving takes

many

What It Means

forms.

As for the meaning of your grief, the

possibilities are wondrous.

Maybe it's about your capacity to love so

deeply. Maybe it's about

discovering your ability to survive

despair. Maybe it's about learn-

ing lessons that you can take forward in

your own life.

Or, instead, the meaning may be about

the object of your love

You may come to a fresh appreciation of

the qualities that bound

you to her or him, or it in the first place.

You may even acknowl

edge the things that weren't so

appealing. Eventually, the separa-

tion in time and space helps to resolve

those seeming disparities

Best of all, you might discoyer-perhaps

to your surprise-that

you have appropriated some'admirable

trait of the one you loved

and made it part of yourself.

150 LOVES LOST

Or the meaning may be in yet another

realm, evolving out

of your status as a survivor of life's

tragedies. It could come in a

moment of philosophical awareness or

as a spiritual revelation that

sustains you. Whatever form it takes, the

meaning emerges from

your grief and stays close to your heart.

The taxman will come around again,

alas,

but you know how

to pay.

WHEN IT ALL FALLS APART

And it probably will. You don't know

when. But in this process

of growing older no matter how careful,

how deliberate, how

creative you may be at living into your

advancing age-things are

apt to fall apart at some point in time. For

whatever reason, some

aspects of your life that once seemed

stable or at least predictable

will have become precarious.

It could be one unexpected development

that puts you over the

emotional edge. Or a series of disturbing

events for which you

were unprepared. Too many, too much.

Most crises involve loss of some kind,

some variation from what

was known and familiar and moderately

secure. Your health, your

finances, your relationships, your living

situation-possibly all of

the above-are in some kind of jeopardy.

Perhaps there's a timeline

152

WHEN IT ALL FALLS APART

of sorts, a sense that there will be a

resolution or at least some

progress to give you hope. But all too

often, the uncertainty is pro-

longed. No end in sight.

Grieving what you are losing or have

lost-however painful-is

the difficult but essential response to

many of these crises. At the

same time, some circumstances require

us to solve complicated

problems and make decisions that have

serious consequences.

You are not at your best. Your energy is

somewhat diminished

and

your resilience is compromised. Even if

some of your trusted

coping strategies are still available, it

takes motivation to employ

them. You can't avoid feeling vulnerable.

"It's Not Fair"

At confusing or chaotic times like this,

let's start with something

basic. This may not be easy, you may

not like it, but it's important:

you need to dismiss any preoccupation

with the issue of fairness.

That's where many of us go in our

frustration and anger at the bad

hand we've been dealt.

It's an old story. When you were a nine-

year

old first baseman

and you tried out for the team and you

didn't make it, it wasn't

fair. It certainly wasn't fair when you

found out your older sister

got a bigger allowance than you did.

Supremely unfair when the

cute guy, the one you had a crush on

since seventh grade, invited

someone else to the prom.

Other people-well-meaning friends and

family-may unwit-

tingly reinforce this issue of unfairness

when they learn about your

distress. "It's not fair," they declare.

"You've taken such good care

of yourself/faced so many

obstacles/been so kind to others!"

Even well beyond childhood, we may not

fully outgrow the

implicit assumption that life is supposed

to be fair. We work hard,

we do our best, and in our mind's

equation we should be rewarded.

WHEN IT ALL FALLS APART

We deserve compensation for our efforts

in some form, whether

it is tangible or some measure of

immunity from bad things hap

pening to us. It's only fair. Except it isn't,

because that's not the way

the real world works.

But fairness as an organizing principle

for life can have deep

roots. For some people, it's integral to

their religious beliefs. For

others, it has a magical quality-a way to

dispel the forces of evil

by doing good works and acting

honorably. Whether we seek dis-

pensation from a higher power or special

treatment from a real-life

authority figure, there's a transaction

taking place.

Consider, too, that a focus on fairness

has a protective function.

It's a personal shield against the feelings

we would rather not feel.

It gives us the illusion of control over our

circumstances, to be

indignant and even a little righteous. We

would rather protest-

"It's not fair!"-than face into the fears and

endure the emotional

pain when things fall apart.

If you're tempted to chant the it's-not-fair

mantra, try to give it

a rest. Keep your mind open to consider

other ways to cope when

life unravels, when the doubts and

uncertainties take over.

Reaching Out

It may be immediately obvious or it may

take a while to realize

that you need some attention from

others-to have people know

what you are going through. At the

outset, you may seek support

only from family members or close

friends. Over time, the circle

may expand to include others, perhaps

even virtual strangers. And

you will need to discern what kind of help

you need. Do you hope,

most of all, for expressions of concern or

sympathy? Are you seek-

ing advice or guidance? Do you want

practical assistance in various

ways? Or something else?

Whether asking for help comes naturally

to you or the very idea

makes you anxious, it's an assertive way

to gain a little control when

154

WHEN IT ALL FALLS APART

things seem unmanageable. Yes, there's

risk involved, the possibil-

ity that your request will be ignored or

dismissed. More often than

not, the chance is worth taking if you go

about it deliberately.

The first step is choosing how-and with

whom-you want to

share your situation. People vary greatly

in this regard. Pay atten-

tion to what works best for you, on a

spectrum ranging from qui-

etly confiding in a very small number of

people to posting your

news on Facebook. Once you have

made that choice, proceed to

share your dilemma, your state of mind,

your logistical quandary.

Whatever is offered in response, try to

accept the good intentions

even if some fine-tuning is in order. Be

prepared with a specific

request or two when family members or

friends ask, "What can I

do for you?" They will be grateful for the

guidance.

Unfortunately, it's often the case that

someone doesn't get it-

doesn't grasp the seriousness of

whatever it is you're struggling

with. Your crisis may be given slight

attention, or met with a kind

of well intentioned but dismissive

positivity: "You're so strong,

I know you'll be fine." That's another

disappointment a lack of

empathy when you are already shaken

by a trauma or feeling

overwhelmed by multiple demands. It

can feel like a betrayal when

that person you counted on, someone

who has always been reli-

able, proves unable to help right now.

You may not know, or ever

know, the whole story. Perhaps her life

has taken a turn for the

worse at the same time as yours. Or he

has such negative asso-

ciations to the kind of distress you are

suffering-it's too close to

home, so to speak that he just can't

respond as you had hoped.

Keep in mind that their failure to support

you is more about their

own issues, not about your worthiness.

Try to let it go.

"Take Care"

It's part of everyday life to end a

conversation with "Take care."

In this context of things-falling-apart,

"taking care" matters more

WHEN IT ALL FALLS APART

than ever, even when it's a cliché and an

unproven remedy for all

the problems you're facing

Think of "taking care" in terms of treating

yourself gently. Try

to imagine what that would look like, or

feel like, or sound like.

It may involve forgiving yourself for

whatever contribution you

think you made to the deteriorating state

of affairs-the symptom

you overlooked, the too-expensive

vacation you wish you hadn't

taken. It may mean giving yourself

permission to take a nap or torn

off your phone for 20 minutes. It may

mean an occasional furious

outburst in words you seldom use. It may

mean allowing yourself

to cry letting go of the fear that once the

tears flow, you won't be

able to stop. It's not true.

You might look into the ever-expanding

market of products and

programs designed to soothe the mind

and relax the body, even if

that's not the sort of thing you normally

enjoy. "Self-care" as a con-

cept has long since gone commercial.

You can choose from among

scented candles, bath salts, foot

massagers, meditation videos, and

more. What matters is finding some

relaxing activity that suits you.

Maybe you can rely on something that

has been helpful in the

past, even if that may be difficult in your

present circumstances.

Let's say, for example, that your powers

diminished, making reading no longer

the pleasure it once was-

at least for now. Maybe you can adjust,

skimming magazine articles

rather than tackling that depressing

novel your sister-in-law said

she knew you would love, the one with

so many characters you

need a chart to keep track of them.

it's

of concentration may be

Or you might try something entirely new

as an experiment and

give yourself credit for the effort, no

matter the outcome. If you've

always responded to email promptly wait

at least a week, unless

surgent. If you've typically raised your

hand at a call for vol-

don't. The goal is to give some definition

to that well-

meant but vague admonition, "Take

care." And if your version of

the falling-apart world involves taking

care of others, recognize

unteers...

156

WHEN IT ALL FALLS APART

that taking care of yourself matters even

more. You simply can't

keep giving out unless you rest and

refuel along the way.

When the familiar and predictable

structure of your life is threat-

ened, it's perfectly normal to be confused

by the complexity and

overwhelmed by the intensity of your

feelings. But try to think in

terms of running a marathon rather than

a sprint. Obviously, you

need to conserve energy for a long race,

not expend it all in one

burst. That's true of these falling-apart

times as well. Try to take it

slow and steady, no rushing to solve

everything at once.

The way your brain engages with the

challenge helps, too.

When runners think in five-mile

segments or select other markers

or milestones along the route, it

improves the odds that they can

go the distance. When you feel besieged

in your real life, the same

principle applies. With some effort, you

may be able to relieve

some of that sense of personal

devastation by shifting your focus

from the whole to its parts. Try naming

all the different issues that

are contributing to your distress, from the

profound to the trivial.

This is counterintuitive-you might think it

would make you feel

worse, making a long list-but the

exercise gives you some trac-

tion and allows you to think creatively

about specific problems.

One at a time.

Even when you feel undone by a

cascade of troubling events,

even in the midst of crisis, you can make

use of your many years'

experience at problem-solving. In the

past, what has helped you

to calm your nerves or boost your

courage or brainstorm solu-

tions? Any strategy that served you well,

way back when, deserves

another chance.

Gratitude

What's that word, gratitude, doing here?

In the midst of a disaster,

dealing with a full-on crisis, how can you

be grateful for anything?

WHEN IT ALL FALLS APART

As you are searching for the answer, try

to be very particular. You

may know someone who is buoyed by

the realization that the sun

came up another day, and you wish you

had that kind of big-picture

attitude. Instead, it's a time to focus on

details, on specific aspects

of your life that you might take for

granted in better times. Think

small, think ordinary. The get-well card

from an acquaintance you

haven't heard from in years. The

sandwich maker in the hospital

cafeteria who smiled patiently when you

couldn't decide what to

order. Your phone kept its charge. Your

bus arrived on time. By a

bedside, the warmth of holding hands.

These are moments worthy

of notice and gratitude-when it seems

that cur world is falling

apart.

Keeping On

you

It's all well and good, of course, to be so

proactive in the face of

emotional disturbance and practical

uncertainties. But when

are in falling-apart mode, consider a

different approach. You can

soothe yourself by raising your

conscious awareness, not of

troubled state, but of the world around

and outside you. Your prob-

Jems are still there-they aren't going

away-but it's time to take a

break. In nearly any form, distraction can

be restorative.

your

Have you ever walked out of a movie

theater after an engrossing

film and felt a bit disoriented by the time

of day or the weather

or your surroundings? You had been far

away from the demands

of your personal life, just for a little while.

Maybe you identified

with one of the characters, maybe you

were fascinated by the plot,

maybe you just marveled at the

cinematography. Whatever held

your attention, it was a welcome time-out

from reality. That's the

kind of escape you need and deserve,

even if doesn't last more than

two hours. Even if it takes place right

where you are, without going

far from home.

155

WHEN IT ALL FALLS APART

If music delights or comforts you, listen

and listen some more.

If you have the energy, make a playlist

especially for the times you

need relief from the pile-on of problems

to solve. A quite different

kind of sensory experience would be

immersion in the kind of

listening meditation described previously:

get comfortable, close

your eyes for a few minutes, and pay

close attention to the sounds

and smells and subtle movements that

come to you in the stillness.

If you are more visually inclined, spend

time with beautiful objects

and images and immerse yourself in

anything that pleases the eye.

If you live near a museum, make a visit.

Or notice the clouds in the

sky, the leaves on the sidewalk, the buds

on the trees. Or take a few

moments to revisit those vacation photos

from Mexico you haven't

looked at in years. If physical activity has

always been your go-to

for recreation and-after the effort-

relaxation, take a walk. Short,

long, slow or brisk, just take a walk.

If you are a social creature, these ideas

for solo escape from

your troubles may not appeal. You need

to reach out to others, not

for support-although that matters-but for

respite. Enjoy your

exchanges with people who know little or

nothing about you or

your falling-apart world. See what you

can learn about them-a

sort of late-night TV interview with you as

the host. If need be,

feign interest in the details. Just leave

yourself aside and turn your

attention to someone else.

When personal problems multiply, when

there's no obvious

solution or resolution for many of them,

you suffer. The popular

phrases may contain some truth-one day

at a time, or darkness

comes before the dawn, or this too shall

pass-but they are seldom

sufficient to sustain you. The best you

can do is to honor your dis-

tress by describing and owning it. The

best you can do is to treat

yourself gently. The best you can do,

sometimes, is to breathe in...

breathe out and repeat. Keep on going.

Keeping on.

THE VIEW FROM HERE

Endings. Stories and plays and films

have

endings. We follow the

plot, occasionally knowing, often

guessing, and sometimes having

no clue about how the drama will resolve

itself-but we know it

will end.

So it is with our own lives.

That certainty is fraught with feelings

ranging from mild dis-

comfort to outright dread. Or maybe you

keep those feelings at bay,

opting for denial as your preferred

defense against this unwelcome

development.

So be it. But let's explore the subject of

our own endings. Let's

consider the value, both entertaining and

profound, of think-

ing about the lives of those who have

gone before us. And then,

160

THE VIEW FROM HERE

because our time is drawing closer--at

the very least, it's inevita-

ble-let's ponder what matters most to us

at this late stage.

Young people seldom read newspaper

obituaries, although they

may not be able to avoid social media

messages. Middle-aged peo-

ple tend to approach these notices of

death with some trepidation

or simply skip them. Old people may

read the oblts with a some-

what different attitude, scanning the

names for those of friends or

neighbors, checking the age of the

departed to see if it's anywhere

close to their own.

Some obits and death notices are

biographies of people you

knew or might have known. Others are

simply stories about ran-

dom characters in the great documentary

of Life. Typically, these

short pieces have a positive slant. The

tributes seldom highlight the

flaws or faults of the deceased. Perhaps

there's a little innuendo:

"She had strongly held opinions" or "He

prided himself on his

independence." But families are almost

inevitably described as lov-

ing, spouses as devoted, and friends as

close. It's understandable,

a wish to idealize the people who leave

us behind. It's the best we

can do for them, now that it's too late to

heal any old wounds. No

more time to reconcile our

disappointments or resolve our resent-

ments. A fond send-off may be the best

can do.

If the sentiments expressed in writing are

genuine-if they pay

homage to a life that was truly well lived-

hats off to the one who

has died and to all who hold him or her in

their hearts and minds.

Good obits capture the real character of

the life led by the

departed, along with some of its flavor.

Along with a list of Brenda's

impressive achievements, here's a

reference to "Barney, her cher-

ished canine companion." We learn that,

in addition to his profes-

sional accomplishments, "Fred was the

two-time winner of the

Most Valuable Player Award, Varsity

Baseball, Deer Valley High

School." And here's Eileen, the avid

opera fan, "who was known to

participate from her seat from time to

time." More details include

THE VIEW FROM HERE

where someone lived, sometimes all

over the world and some-

times in one hometown from birth to

death. Pursuits of every

sort are described, from growing prize-

winning tomatoes to solv

ing sudoku puzzles, studying

archaeology, or playing drums in a

garage band. Those who are "left to

mourn," as it is often phrased,

tell more of the story. Children,

grandchildren, wives, husbands,

former spouses, special friends there

may be a few entries or a

host of them.

161

The cause of death may be noted.

Sometimes there is a mention

of the circumstances, such as a sudden

accident or a long illness.

Or a sentimental description of the

ending: "Patti departed this life

with her loving husband singing and

playing guitar at her side."

"On Sunday, April 10, Gene took the key

out of the ignition of his

tractor for the last time." "At his passing.

Henry was surrounded by

his family and his devoted caregivers,

Mae and Janet."

The obit includes the age of the

departed, or you do the math

from the dates of birth and death. When

you realize that someone

your age has died, it's no longer just an

interesting pastime, reading

about these lives. Recognition dawns

that your story will appear in

a similar format, one of these days.

Admittedly, this identification with the

death of another per-

son-even someone completely unknown

to you-represents

another assault on your hopes for

immortality. Death isn't just

for a young person killed in a tragic

accident. It isn't just for the

100-year-old lady who received a

birthday card from the president

a week before she died. The same fate

awaits us all.

Writing Your Own

Make reading the obits a habit. You'll be

amused by some of the

life stories and saddened, perhaps

deeply, by others. You'll find

yourself speculating about the newly

deceased and wondering if

162

THE VIEW FROM HERE

their lives met their expectations and

hopes. You'll be intrigued by

some accounts and impressed by others.

You'll discover odd con-

nections-a person you vaguely

remember from long ago ar the

mention of a place or an institution you

once knew well. You'll also

get a sense of what you might like to see

included in your own obit.

The next step is to think about writing it.

This isn't for everyone. Many people

blanch at the very idea. It

takes

your awareness of your mortality to a

new level, not neces-

sarily one you want to face. This

concept-that life ends-is made

all-too-real. And scary. There's no

dishonor in concluding that

this is far outside your comfort zone. But

if you're having a good

day and feeling a bit brave, think of

writing your obit as another

adventure in embracing your oldness.

Besides, you'll get the facts

right. And you'll be doing a favor to

anyone who loves you and

someday reads what you've written.

There's more than one approach to this

project. You can write it

in the first person, a mini-autobiography-

"I was born on March

15, 1951, in Oneonta, New York." Or you

can write about yourself

in the third person "Harriet Johnson-

Stokes was the daughter of

Ruth Johnson and the late James P.

Johnson." You can choose the

present or past tense.

So if you're up for it, take a deep breath

and give it a try.

Start with your name, your nickname if

you like it, then record

the chronology and geography of your

life. Name your family

members and the friends you want to

honor with inclusion. List

your affiliations of all kinds, past and

present. Include your pets.

Mention the sports you played or the

teams you cheered for. Tell

you loved to spend time, your hopes for

the world, anything

that captures your life and spirit and

outlook. You can let your

eventual readers know if you want a

funeral or celebration of your

life and where you would like it to be

held. Or you can declare that

you prefer to have no such memorial

tribute.

how

THE VIEW FROM HERE

163

Here's part of what my 85-year-old friend

Mary has written,

opting for the past tense (even though

she is very much alive):

Ms. Reynolds graduated from Sullivan

County High School, Class

of 1952, and received her B.S. degree in

education from Illinois State

University in 1956. She enjoyed a long

career teaching high school

mathematics until her retirement in 2000

and is remembered with

affection and gratitude by several

generations of students. She was an

accomplished watercolorist and a

devoted volunteer with the Westbrook

Humane Society. Memorial service to be

held later this year.

If you do want your loved ones to gather

in your name, you'll want

to convey some descriptive details about

the event itself. It may

be too much information to include in

your obit, but it's impor-

tant data to leave behind. If you've

created a proper Last Will &

Testament, you can devote a paragraph

or two to these wishes for

your send-off. If that's not your style or

you simply haven't gotten

around to facing that task-a letter

addressed to those who are apt

to make these arrangements will do. You

can request that the recip-

ients save your memo to the cloud or

keep a hard copy wherever

they stash important documents. They

don't have to read it now, if

the subject makes them uneasy. You will

have done your part.

Maybe you want something very

traditional. Or you prefer

that your family and friends honor your

memory by bowling a

few frames or holding a big bash of a

cocktail party. Maybe you

want everyone in attendance to wear

your favorite color or tell an

endearing even outrageous-story about

you. Perhaps this is the

place to remind your family that you want

the funeral rites and

customs of your religious tradition to be

followed-to the letter.

Write it all down.

Any plan to mark your departure starts

with your own reflec-

tions but inevitably involves the desires

and concerns of those who

164

THE VIEW FROM HERE

are left behind. They may feel very

strongly that "funerals are for

the living." They may want an

observance that celebrates the life of

the departed but represents their own

values and-no small mat-

ter-suits the convenience of as many

people as possible.

Others are determined to carry out their

mother's last wishes

even if that means hiring a boat and

spreading her ashes upon the

waters of Lake Michigan on a frigid

February afternoon. They are

comforted by knowing they have

implemented the explicit desires

of the person they have known and

cherished.

So it makes good sense to write

instructions that provide guid-

ance to your survivors, while leaving

some decisions up to them.

State your wishes. Then add a heartfelt

message assuring your fam-

ily and friends that while these are your

preferences for a memorial

service or a place of interment or a

charity to receive contributions

in your honor, you trust they'll do right by

you.

Let's get back to the obit itself. It's time to

write the headline.

"Company Founder, Building

Contractor," "Mother of Five," "Freelance

Journalist," "Legendary Rock Musician,"

"Immigration Reform

Advocate," "Birdwatcher." It's no small

feat to select a few words to

represent you. Choose something that's

genuine. And down the road,

if it prompts the curiosity of the random

obit reader-someone like

you-and inspires them to read on about

your life, that's even better.

Keep in mind that reading obits and

writing your own-isn't

all about dying. It's also about living fully,

which means owning

our awareness that we don't go on

forever. Add to that realistic atti-

tude a spirit of curiosity about your fellow

citizens of this world.

You honor their lives simply by reading

about them. It's brief, it's

fleeting, but it's a memorial. Someday

you'll have one, too.

Paths to Explore

When you think about it, the process of

composing your own obit

is a matter of taking stock, a life review in

a few paragraphs. You

THE VIEW FROM HERE

may feel a sense of accomplishment that

you've provided these facts

of your life, thus far, for succeeding

generations-or made explicit

your wishes regarding your departure

from the planet.

But whether the write-your-own project

holds some appeal or

not, thinking about closure is only one

dimension of aging well.

You're still here, living in the present

moment. You have the gift

of time.

165

You can use that time to contemplate

what's important now.

To pose questions for which there are no

simple answers. What

has been and what is the purpose of my

life? What if I have

to choose between living as long as

possible or letting go? What's

next-some kind of afterlife or is this it?

This exploration may

strike you as premature, unwelcome,

even depressing. Instead, rec

ognize it as an opportunity, a time to

ponder what has truly mat-

tered and still matters-in your life.

It's hard to generalize about spiritual

concerns and the aging

process. Seekers continue to seek and

doubters continue to doubt,

of course. Since naming things always

makes them more real--

even in this hard-to-define realm-pause

and think about your

beliefs or lack thereof. Are you spiritually

content or disaffected,

secure or struggling? Keep in mind that

people who have long

ignored or rejected any spiritual aspect

to life may move in the

opposite direction as they age. A late-in-

life quest to make sense of

the unknown or unknowable can take

them to unfamiliar-some

would say holy-places. By contrast,

some people of faith turn

skeptical as they approach the end of

life, especially if they have

never questioned or revised their

childhood beliefs.

There are paths to explore. If the point is

to seek meaning in

something that is greater than yourself-

be it religious or philo-

sophical or scientific-the key is to keep

searching, Maybe you've

always wondered if you really fit with the

members of some slightly

countercultural affinity group that your

family looked down upon

when you were growing up. Now is the

time to investigate, to see

166

THE VIEW FROM HERE

if it still appeals. Maybe secular

humanism makes the most sense to

you. Perhaps you subscribe to a code of

ethics that gives you a foun-

dation and secures your place in the

universe. If oldness means that

a familiar faith grows stronger and its

traditions sustain you, stay

your course.

There's another intriguing way to think

about finding meaning

in later life, a pursuit that mobilizes but

transcends your own ego.

The notion of "Keeper of the Meaning" as

a distinctive phase of

life is derived from psychiatrist George

Vaillant's landmark study

of human development. We're probably

most familiar with this

concept in traditional families. The older

generation is endowed

with an obligation to preserve the

meaning of the family-"this

is who we are"-for the younger

generation. Grandparents and

other elderly relatives uphold what they

believe to be their family's

values in the face of other influences.

Widening the lens, consider the roles

and responsibilities taken

by village elders in tribal societies.

Through enacting their rituals

and telling their stories, they are the

keepers of the meaning of

their culture for their descendants.

go well beyond the boundaries

Vaillant suggests that we should

of our own family or community and

reach out to the universe

at large. He would have us contemplate

our late-in-life mission as

promoters of such values as honesty,

tolerance, justice, and mercy.

A lofty thought, yes, but worth reflection.

Think of your most strongly held

opinions, the core beliefs that

have sustained you throughout your

lifetime. Maybe you've done

everything possible to assure that this

legacy lives on. You were

politically active and supported a

candidate for election to your

school board. You co-hosted an annual

exhibition for up-and-

coming high school artists. You were

deeply involved in your faith

community. You wrote letters to the

editor

of your local newspaper,

THE VIEW FROM HERE

you blogged, you tweeted. In short, you

represented yourself; you

expressed what mattered to you and

shared it with others.

And if that description doesn't quite fit

you, there's still time

to promote whatever you care about. It

doesn't require as much

energy as it seemed to take in your

younger days. The emphasis

shifts from creation-initiating, inventing,

designing, orchestrat

ing-to the conservation or preservation of

the things you hold

dear.

gious or

167

This endeavor can take many forms,

whether your interest in

promoting your heritage-your ideals, your

traditions-is reli-

secular, political or social, academic or

artistic. What's

important is that you embrace the world

in ways that you hope

will contribute to the survival (no

guarantees here) of what has

given you purpose or meaning. Pass it

on, pay it forward.

Don't confuse this mission with

indignation at the way the

world is heading. Keeping the meaning

alive is actually an anti-

dote to rigidity and resentment in old

age. You're working on your

memorial to what has mattered-what you

hold dear-in your

life. And it speaks to your faith in the

future.

During the years when you advanced

through childhood, ado-

lescence, and middle age, you had a

sense, consciously or uncon-

sciously, that you were moving ahead on

life's continuum. As you

reach old age, you are faced with the

prospect of an ending, what-

ever that means for you. That's the

reality. When you accept that

you won't be here forever, you can make

your time on the planet

matter more.

You can be older and wiser.

APPENDIXI

CREATING A

PERSONAL TIMELINE

Roger was hesitant to take on this

project but found it surpris-

ingly helpful in recalling many details of

his personal history.

Some events were fairly common or

universal; others were unique

to him. Of course, he had lived through

nearly 70 years of these

beginnings, transitions, and endings--but

it was a different expe-

rience to chart and capture his life story

in this

way.

First he plotted his age in five-year

increments across the bottom

of the page or screen until he reached

his most recent birthday.

Then he selected the categories that

seemed most pertinent to his

life and added them to the column on the

left side.

In addition to the categories you see

here, his included "Work,"

"Relationships," "Health," and a

distinctively-Roger category:

"Amateur Astronomy." This figure depicts

only the first 15 years

of his timeline and shows just four of the

ten categories he chose.

APPENDIX II

RETIREMENT:

MAKING IT HAPPEN

Implementing the decision to retire is

part practical, part emo-

tional. Here are some suggestions from

retirees who looked back

and identified what was helpful-or what

they wish they had done.

1. Make a plan for how you will spend

your time, immediately

after your departure from the workplace.

What will you do

that first Monday morning? The first two

or three weeks?

Perhaps you'll give yourself some kind of

reward for making

this change in your working life, even if

your financial situa-

tion is in transition as well. A trip you

always wanted to take,

a purchase you've flirted with for a long

time, something that

represents this accomplishment.

2. Make an outline for your new lifestyle

during the first three to

six months of not-working. This can be

as structured or loose

as you like, detailed or not. Of course,

you

can revise it as you

go along.

172 APPENDIX II

3. Sign up for something. A group, a

class, a club, some sort of

activity or program. This assures that

you'll be in proximity to

other people at some point in your week;

enrollment means

you're more likely to follow through on

your intention.

4. But don't overschedule, fearing that

your days will be empty.

Now's the time to be selective about your

commitments.

Remember that you're vulnerable to all

kinds of requests made

by people who view you as instantly

available, now that you're

retired.

5. Attend to the various aspects of life

that will be altered in

retirement. These include health

insurance, financial arrange-

ments, perhaps your living situation.

Explore your alternatives

or options, make decisions-and face the

paperwork, one day

at a time.

6. Organize the countdown. Edit and

delete files as retirement day

nears. Gradually take things home that

matter to you-books,

mementos, the plant that needs more

light-and distribute

other items to your co-workers. If you

work from home, start a

similar process with emphasis on

reconfiguring, adapting your

work environment for the next phase of

your life.

7. Practice your response when well-

meaning friends or fam-

ily members ask how it's going. Their

instinct is to emphasize

the positive-"So exciting, isn't it

wonderful, I'm so happy for

you!"--when your experience is not so

simple or one-sided.

Buy some time: "Thanks. It's very

interesting, lots of ups and

downs. Please ask me again in a few

months!"

APPENDIX III

TALKING WITH

EACH OTHER

Speak for yourself. Only for yourself.

Start sentences with "I want ... need...

feel..." Resist the tempta-

tion to represent your partner's thoughts,

feelings, wishes or points

of view, as in "I think you think ... etc." It's

a special challenge,

when you have known the other person

for a long time. You're

convinced you do know what they are all

about. But your job is to

speak for yourself.

Listen.

Good communication is a dialogue, not

overlapping monologues.

Get a rhythm going: Speak ... pause to

listen / Speak

Say how you feel, early in the talk.

... pause to listen

"I'm feeling

confused/misunderstood/underappreciat

ed/fearful

"These are the kinds of feelings that

precede anger. Express

them. Treat them as warning signals, put

them into words, and

you may get to skip the angry part.

174

APPENDIX IIT

Limit yourself to the here and now.

there, don't reach into the emotional

baggage you may be carrying

Here's where your long history with a

partner comes in. Don't go

dredging up examples of past misdeeds.

Keep the focus on your

most immediate concern.

One at a time.

You have your partner's attention. How

tempting, to add a few

other issues to your conversational

agenda, saying "While we're at

it... "That kind of emotional multi-tasking

might have been okay

much. Save the next item for another

day.

when you and your significant other were

younger. Now, not so

Keep it in the room.

Resist the urge to bring in additional

troops by declaring how

many supporters you have for your point

of view. And don't pro-

voke your partner by comparing his/her

behavior to that of some-

one else. There's enough going on, just

between the two of you.

Learn when to stop.

Try for a balance between too soon and

too late. If you're try-

ing to solve a problem, end the

conversation when you've reached

agreement about a decision to be made

or an action to be taken.

But if you're talking about deeply

emotional issues, you can stop

when you feel your message has been

heard, or when you have

learned something from your partner that

requires time to think

about. Sometimes you'll agree to

disagree: there's no need to pre-

tend you've reached closure on the

matter at hand. Take a time-out.

Try again, tomorrow.