AN ESSENTIAL GUIDE TO
AGING WELL
This book is a refreshingly honest self-
help guide to aging well. It
encourages readers to dispel gloom or
overcome denial around the
subject of aging and offers advice in a
realistic, non-prescriptive
format.
Practical yet personable, chapters move
through pertinent topics
such as making the decision to retire and
successfully navigating
that transition; designing daily routines
(your practice) and engaging
in activities (your projects); connecting
with others as relationships
shift and evolve; and managing moods
and emotional issues.
The guide also supports readers coping
with illness or injury,
experiencing loss and grief, and those
searching for meaning as
they grow older.
Written in a conversational style, An
Essential Guide to Aging Well
motivates its readers to be curious about
this time of life, and to
design the best possible version of it for
themselves.
Katharine Bethell, MSW, was a Board
Certified Diplomate
in Clinical Social Work. She has 25 years
of experience as a
psychotherapist treating adults and
couples in an outpatient
private practice.
"As someone who has the pleasure and
privilege of working with
older adults, I am grateful that I now
have a go-to resource to share
with my patients and friends. Katharine
Bethell writes with clarity
we age, and the practical exercises she
offers will gently guide her
and empathy about the changes we are
all likely to encounter as
readers toward a deeper understanding
of their individual experi-
ences. An Essential Guide to Aging Well
provides a refreshing and authen-
tic perspective on aging that I have not
found elsewhere, and that I
will be encouraging others to read and
re-read."
-Jennifer Crumlish, Ph.D., Washington
Psychological Center
"This book is a capital 'G' Guide to
retirement, explaining how
retirement can be a valued beginning,
not just an ending. By
designing the book to mobilize the
reader's
strengths in facing
retirement, Katharine Bethell
demonstrates the wisdom and sensi-
tivity that characterized her success as a
therapist. This informative,
sensible, very readable book is must
reading for anyone contem-
plating retirement-and life after
retirement."
"
-Allan M. Leventhal, Ph.D.
"Katharine Bethell, an accomplished
psychotherapist, has writ-
ten a book that is equal parts wisdom,
wit, and gentle counsel.
Wherever you are on the aging
trajectory, this book belongs on
your bedside table."
Gretchen McKnew, MSW,
licensed independent clinical social
worker
PREFACE
Katharine Bethell
If you're like many people, you may not
have given a lot of thought
to your old age--beyond, perhaps, an
occasional fantasy of lying in
a hammock in a tropical paradise. This
phase of the life cycle may
not have seemed very interesting, let
alone appealing. But if you're
intelligent and curious and you've gone
through the years meeting
all kinds of challenges, you can do this
aging thing well.
Still, it's unfamiliar territory. You deserve
a proper introduc-
tion to its mysteries. Think of this guide
as a conversation with
a trusted traveling companion. Advice is
offered gently, not pre-
scriptively. The prevailing attitude is
positive, but not naïve. Like all
good counseling or therapy, the goal is
to help you help yourself.
To get real about what's happening. To
make choices in your own
best interest.
I'll begin by asking you to look back and
revisit different chap-
ters of your story thus far. Your informal
autobiography will reveal
a sense of who you are-and what
matters most-at this point in
VIII
PREFACE
your life. You'll find that preparation
useful going forward. Then we'll explore
a range of topics relevant to aging
wisely. Approaching
the decision to retire or modify a career
and successfully navigating that
transition. Making other game-changing
choices in
the
later years. Designing daily routines and
engaging in purposeful
activities. Connecting with others as
relationships shift and evolve
over time. Managing moods-the interface
of aging with emotional issues. Coping
with illness. Sustaining loss and
experiencing
grief. Searching for meaning.
Real people appear throughout this
book; I've changed their
names. What do I leave out? I won't
mention foods that are alleged
to boost your brain power, herbal
supplements promising longervity, or the
latest cosmetic procedures to minimize
wrinkles. I won't
offer advice on a more serious concern-
financial security in the later
years, a subject that deserves its own
essential guide.
Most of all, I hope my book will help you
overcome your dread
or denial of aging. And I hope you will
discover that even as your
control over various aspects of life is apt
to diminish with age,
there's much satisfaction-even pleasure-
still ahead.
1
THE REPUBLIC OF
LET'S NOT GO THERE
It's an interesting phenomenon. Most of
us, when we were chil-
dren, couldn't wait to grow up. Think of
your four-year-old self,
proudly displaying all five fingers on one
hand when someone
asked how old you were, only to have a
parent remind you that
your birthday was still a few weeks away.
Now that we are full-
grown adults, it's the other way around.
There are too many can-
dles on that cake. We wish we were
young-or at least younger.
Old age as a state of being is a bit like
an unappealing foreign
territory, a place you wouldn't want to
visit-the Republic of Let's
Not Go There. It's true that somewhere
along the way, usually in
middle age, we have a glimpse of what it
might be like to grow old,
THE REPUBLIC OF LET'S NOT GO
THERE
but it's a partial glimpse shrouded in
euphemism. There's even a
citizens, golden agers, perennials,
members of the elderhood-
vocabulary designed to take the edge off
what is happening, Senior
perhaps they are young-at-heart-are said
to be living joyfully in
their sunset years.
Some of us go to great lengths to avoid
the fact of our mor
tality. Even if we're fortunate and have
good models for growing
old-relatives, friends, mentors-we still
persist, consciously or
otherwise, in the belief that old age is
something that happens to
someone else. Developmentally, we are
shielded from this reality
for a lovely, long stretch from birth
through the young adult years.
But somewhere in the middle years, we
begin to encounter the
disconcerting possibility that we will not
live forever.
Rather than experiencing an epiphany of
consciousness, we tend
to buffer ourselves against the truth of
growing old with a variety
of strategies. Simple avoidance and
outright denial are favorites.
Dubious humor-take a look at the
birthday cards for folks over 50!-plays its
part. Some of the markers along the way
are physical,
some are cognitive, and some are
emotional. They are all signposts
on a road that we would prefer not to
travel, so we make fun of
them or try to ignore them. Old age has
been described as a slow,
reluctant march into enemy territory. The
image makes us nervous.
Still, I refer to "old age" deliberately. The
phrase may prompt
you to stop reading, but wait a moment.
To
name something is
to make it real. To name something that
is personal is to own it.
When you make something explicit, you
take it out of the realm
of the repressed, the ambiguous, and the
amorphous, and create
a foundation on which to build something
of value. So here's the
challenge: to overcome your denial,
abandon the quest for the
fountain of youth and accept
the reality that you are growing
old.
Why? Because that's the first step-
claiming your oldness-to liv-
ing well in your advancing years.
THE REPUBLIC OF LET'S NOT GO
THERE
It's curious how seniority in most
situations or settings means
the recognition of some sort of
achievement worthy of respect,
if not downright admiration. We honor
our veterans. We desig-
nate our professors and pastors
"emeritus." But when it comes to
claiming our advanced position in the life
cycle, we're ambivalent.
Maybe we're just reluctant, maybe
downright resistant. The fact
is, we're becoming eligible for
membership in a club we never
wanted to join.
Many factors influence our ability to
accept this new status. Some
are personality traits such as our
capacity for change, our flexibility
or adaptability. As you would guess,
health conditions are some-
what predictive, and personal finances
play a major part. There's
the recognition of some sort of
achievement worthy of respect,
if not downright admiration. We honor
our veterans. We desig-
nate our professors and pastors
"emeritus." But when it comes to
claiming our advanced position in the life
cycle, we're ambivalent.
Maybe we're just reluctant, maybe
downright resistant. The fact
is, we're becoming eligible for
membership in a club we never
wanted to join.
Many factors influence our ability to
accept this new status. Some
are personality traits such as our
capacity for change, our flexibility
or adaptability. As you would guess,
health conditions are some-
what predictive, and personal finances
play a major part. There's
also a family dimension that makes a
difference in our openness
or willingness to accept our advancing
age with a little grace. The
memories you hold of older relatives-the
hardy grandfather who
played catch with you into his 80s or the
great-aunt who mailed
you postcards from her travels to exotic
places-are positive. Less
so is the remembrance of an aging
parent who struggled with a
debilitating illness or a favorite uncle who
became withdrawn and
irritable. And it's not only our experience
with the older genera-
tion, but also the attitudes that were
passed down. Any indication
of respect for old age, tempered with
tolerance for its accompany-
ing quirks, counts for a lot in shaping our
own attitudes.
It's hard to quantify old age, although
social scientists and others try to put
brackets around it, even labeling a
subset the "oldest old." You've heard the
joke that old age is ten years older than
you
are now. Or that 60 is the new 50, and
so on. I was amused to
hear someone describe today's "new old
age" as the years between
feeling fine and being dead. Whether
academic or entertaining,
these efforts to define old age miss the
point. What matters more
is your self-awareness, grounded in your
experience and enhanced
by your insights.
THE REPUBLIC OF LET'S NOT GO
THERE
Before you bravely lay claim to the title of
old person, let's explore
what that means. Then we'll take a look
at the clues that you may
be eligible. And if you're motivated-
you've accepted your status
and begun to adapt we'll consider
various ways to make the best of it. I'm
not saying it's always fun. But you can
prevail. You can be older and wiser.
2
WHATDOES IT MEAN?
Mortality. That dreary word itself is
enough to dampen our spirits.
Yet a failure to claim-let alone embrace-
our mortality has the
obvious consequence that we are
unprepared for the inevitable.
No chance to express what we meant to
communicate to people
we love, no wrapping up of affairs, no
final visits to scenes of our
youth or even our middle age. Ironically,
to acknowledge that this
life has an ending is to open up
opportunities-beginnings, in a
sense-to live as fully as possible in the
time available.
If we're immortal, time is eternal. What's
the hurry? Why take
risks, try something new, reach out to
another person, when there
is all the time in the world? Why focus on
the quality of life in your
last decades, when the decades roll on
forever?
WHAT DOES IT MEAN?
But when you think about it, how can you
take something seriously if you pretend
it's not happening? That's the problem
with
denial.
If we accept that our stay on the planet is
finite, that the supply
of time allotted to us is not endlessly
renewable, we become moti-
vated to use that time differently. We're
already familiar with this
phenomenon of deadlines. When our
mother said she was going to
count to three before losing it, we put our
Legos away-fast. When
the term paper was due in 24 hours, we
wrote furiously. When the
boss issued a new drop-dead date for
our project, we hustled and
delivered. We know how to focus, when
it matters.
If we can't be sure how many years we
have left, we can choose
to use that time wisely. Selectively. No
point squandering it on
things or people or activities that don't
really matter to us.
We may also come to appreciate the
mere existence of time, knowing that
it's not forever. Something to ponder the
next time you're stuck in
traffic. Can you breathe deeply and be
grateful that you are still here
on this earth? Even in a backup lasting
three lights? No? Give it a try.
You will also discover that time passes
more quickly as you grow
older. Time acceleration ramps up slowly
across the life cycle but
really picks up momentum in old age. Do
you remember how it once
seemed forever to wait for holidays to
come around? Now, like birth-
days, they reappear with startling
frequency. As children, we knew
very well the feeling of longing for
something to happen, whether it
was merely recess or better yet-the end
of
the school year. Now
that sense of anticipation is abbreviated.
On the one hand, we feel the
loss of possibility as the clock ticks
faster. It's an unwelcome development.
On the other hand, what a curious effect
this speeding-up can have when the
days and weeks no longer stretch before
us in such a seemingly endless
progression. Life is on fast forward.
That's not all bad, if you find that it
motivates you to use time wisely.
There's a corollary to this time warp. A
much older friend once
remarked to my younger self, "You know,
aging is a time of rapid
WHAT DOES IT MEAN?
change." At the time, I was mystified. In
my view, there was nothing amped up
about getting older. It looked like
reaching a plateau
of some sort, flat and rather dull. But she
was mostly right about
the change part. Better to think of it as
strong currents in a river,
with occasional rapids to navigate.
What's Ahead
Much of the change that accompanies
aging is physical-outright
aches and pains, mysterious twinges,
morning stiffness that lasts
all day. Much is related to mind and
memory-elusive words, for-
gotten names, misplaced reading
glasses. At the very least, we find
ourselves disconcerted by these
alterations and disruptions to our
previously taken-for-granted level of
functioning in the world. At
our best, we find ways to compensate for
diminished stamina or
the arrival of the hated, feared senior
moment. Some of the adap-
tation is behavioral-learning to operate
within certain physical
limitations. Some of the adaptation is
cognitive: writing things
down instead of committing them to your
increasingly faulty
memory, coming up with some kind of
gimmick to remember the
name of the person you met five minutes
ago.
The challenge in either category is to
revise our long-standing
and trusted organizing principles for
getting through life, in order
to keep on keeping on. I refer to
principles as though they were
well-defined and explicit, a nice orderly
set of guidelines. Actually,
during your younger years they were
such
semi-automatic and
habitual patterns of acting and thinking
that they required little or
no effort on your part. But as you grow
older, you'll probably want
to make your organizing principles more
conscious and deliberate.
You may need to gauge the distance
from parking place to store
entrance before you shop. You may
need to design a new ritual to
ensure that all the burners on the stove
are turned to OFF before
you leave home. You may need to ask
your new acquaintance to
,
WHAT DOES IT MEAN?
repeat her name and then pair it with
some obvious or fanciful
image in your mind. That's helpful-some
of
the time.
if you take a good look at those long-
standing principles that
have brought you this far, they were
probably, to some
degree.
performance-oriented. Now the
determination to do well at what-
ever you did through much of life is
loosening its hold. Of course,
people vary, with some hell-bent on
excelling and beating out
the competition from the fourth grade
forward, scoring the most
runs on the tee-ball team, winning the
essay contest, or landing a
with this
peace
seat on the City Council. Others made
their
pres-
sure somewhere along the way. But the
prevailing emphasis in the
younger years is apt to be on comparing
yourself to others, and
wanting to come out on top. In contrast,
one definition of the
meaning of old age is this: you get to be
yourself. You're less con-
cerned with how others perceive you,
more intent on living your
own life. It's a departure from youthful
insecurities and middle-
age uncertainties. Older people can't
necessarily tell you when or
how they arrived at this point-but it's a
good place to be.
In addition to the freedom associated
with caring less about oth-
ers' opinions, old age can mean more
free time and fewer obliga-
tions. Even with commitments, you may
not have to go all in, as
you did when you were younger. You
can take a break from that
volunteer job, or switch one for another.
There are trade-offs, to be
sure, as your significant others, family
members, and dear friends
grow older right along with you. They
come equipped with their
own age-related issues and the need for
your support and assis-
tance. It's a balancing act, caring for
others and caring for yourself.
A Touch of Technophobia
The world isn't standing still while you
slowly come to terms with
your aging process. If you were an early
adopter of technologi-
cal advances, you can relax. You are
completely at home on the
WHAT DOES IT MEAN?
internet. You understand the cloud, you
have more than a dozen
apps on your smartphone, and maybe
you text with two thumbs.
But if you came of age before the
revolution, it's not necessarily
easy to adapt. As you grow older, the
gulf between your analog self
and the digital world grows ever wider.
way
Some claim their oldness as a matter of
pride, insisting on books
that have hard covers and resisting all
invitations to join social
media. Their resistance to technology is
their way of honoring the
the life used to be, the one they know so
well. Just as often, it's
driven by a fear of the unfamiliar, the
kind of anticipatory anxiety
that
goes with learning something new. The
trade-off, of course,
is the opportunity to upgrade your
personal operating style and
increase your pleasure in life. We'll look
into making this a project
in Chapter 9.
Some Gender Differences
In previous generations, the fact of being
male or female may have
made a more significant difference in the
process of adaptation to
advancing age. The old stereotype was
of a man suddenly faced
with the need to pursue new activities-
and find a new identity-
after he retired from many years
absorbed in his work. As women
edge toward greater equality in the
workplace and greater job
satisfaction-they may face a similar
quandary of how to channel
their energy post-retirement. But an older
woman is apt to have
years of experience with multi-tasking
and juggling various roles.
However committed she may have been
to the work she did, her
identification with it may have been
somewhat less singular than
that of her male counterpart. She may
have already developed a
older.
menu of interests to pursue as she
grows
Women may have an advantage over
men in their ability to antici-
pate alterations in their bodies as they
age. Men and women share in
the surprises of puberty, but the female
life cycle involves monthly
10
WHAT DOES IT MEAN?
reminders of this maturation until a
woman reaches menopause,
which offers more evidence that aging is
underway. If she chooses
to reproduce, she experiences even
more physical transitions. For
some women, these years of conscious
awareness and attention to
the body-how it works-helps to ease the
adaptation to aging and
make it more tolerable, less shocking.
The inevitable alterations in
appearance are more difficult for many
women to accept, as they
fear their perceived loss of attractiveness
and change of status in the
biological mating dance.
As our society places more emphasis on
the fluidity of gender
roles and even accepts the possibility of
gender transformation-
the once-traditional images and
expectations of men and women
in old age will continue to evolve.
Similar Experiences
Male or female, what else is likely to
occur? The meaning that you
assign to all manner of things is up for
review. As noted, advancing
age can influence your perception of
other people's behavior and
your reaction to it. Life's slings and
arrows may still be aimed in
your direction, but you can choose to
take them less personally or
just dodge out of the way. Once upon a
time, a rude remark by a
neighbor might have had you brooding
for days. Now you may be
able to chalk it up to bad manners and
shrug it off. Your attitude
may become more benevolent; you may
forgive more easily.
You may also become more sentimental,
more easily touched
emotionally. Memories of the past or
kindnesses in the present
bring tears to your eyes more readily
than ever. The same holds true
for the utterly predictable ending of a
movie, the wedding of people
you don't even know very well, the first
few bars of the national
anthem. Call it sensitivity and take
pleasure in your ability to be
touched. Your heart softens; you can
afford to let your guard down.
WHAT DOES IT MEAN?
If you're not so lucky, old habits-
resentments, grudges-are
reinforced. You become less flexible in
your reactions, more rigid
in your opinions. But consider that your
behavior or your attitude
is not so much a matter of being right as
it is self-protective. Feeling
bad or staying mad is familiar territory.
Who knows what will hap-
pen if you take a different path? You
might feel vulnerable, which
can be a scary prospect in old age.
You may also surprise yourself by
becoming less acquisitive
as your years advance. Some once-
passionate pursuits-enhanc-
ing your wardrobe, adding to your
collection of regional cook-
books or baseballs signed by Major
Leaguers-lose their intensity.
Sometimes they fade entirely, and you
deaccession some of the
stuff that surrounds you as you attempt
to live more simply. In any
case, the trend is in the direction of less
rather than more, break-
ing free from the urge to possess things.
The timing is fortuitous.
As you grow older, your need for various
kinds of practical help is
apt to increase. It's going to make sense
to budget more for services
than for worldly goods. Not as much fun,
but realistic.
Old age also means that activities that
once seemed trivial are
up for reconsideration. You probably
never thought that organ-
izing a kitchen shelf or returning a library
book was much of
an achievement. But as energy declines
or vision diminishes or
mobility is compromised, you gain a
different understanding of
what matters and what deserves your
respect as an accomplish-
ment. No prize will be awarded for
spotting the first crocus or
paying your credit card bill on time-but
old age means con-
gratulating yourself on noticing your
surroundings and on taking
care of ordinary tasks. Small pleasures.
Small is the operative word here. When
you think about it,
you're really coming full circle in old age
as your universe grows
smaller. Once your environment was the
size of a crib. You grew
and went out into the world; you explored
and expanded your
11
12
WHAT DOES IT MEAN?
territory. Now the momentum shifts the
other way. Maybe you
have downsized and moved to smaller
quarters. Maybe travel is
more daunting, especially if it involves a
walker. Maybe your social
ways,
life is restricted by the passing of old
friends. In a variety of
your horizons have been narrowing.
Experiencing Loss
Another transformation in old age is
painful, and profound. Grief
accumulates. Do you remember when
you were young and lost a
friend in a terrible accident or a
grandparent died? Chances are that
the blow occurred in isolation-one
trauma to endure-and then
life returned to some semblance of
normality. There was oppor-
tunity for healing. If you were fortunate,
considerable time might
pass before you would experience
another significant loss.
Old age, on the other hand, means that
mourning is ongoing.
You no longer have the luxury of
restoring yourself to an emo-
tional baseline before the next loss
occurs. Not only do you suffer
when you lose people you love, but you
suffer from realizing-not
always consciously-that your turn is
coming.
When we're young, most of us are
somewhat uncomfortable
in the presence of loss and grief. What
do we say to the bereaved?
And if the loss is personal, how should
we act? What is normal?
Should we be more upset or less, should
we show our feelings or
hide them? How long should it take to
recover?
In old age, grief becomes more familiar.
We become somewhat
less fearful of it. When loss occurs, it
doesn't always upend the nat-
ural order of things in the shocking way it
did in our youth or even
middle age. Rituals and customs can
help to comfort and sustain
us. Most significantly, we live into author
Thomas Lynch's wisdom
that grief is the tax we pay on our
attachments. We acknowledge
and honor the depth of our relationships
and the intimacy of our
WHAT DOES IT MEAN?
13
connections as we face giving them up.
The real loss would be if
we paid no tax. And so we grieve.
Obviously Not for Sissies
So, what does old age mean? You know
the cliché-it's not for sis-
sies. Old age requires us to face all kinds
of problems at the very
time that our stockpile of resources may
be shrinking. Old age
brings physical decline, cognitive deficits,
and emotional vulner-
ability. What's the good news when you
are experiencing what one
veteran old person calls "the dwindles"?
Despite these disappointments and your
possible disaffection,
there is still much to learn about life and
living well. Some discov-
eries are about the world-note the
crocus-and some are about
yourself. Either way, the negativity that
surrounds aging can all too
easily interfere with our curiosity. Better
to assume the attitude
of an anthropologist observing another
culture. Figure out how
you relate to this tribe of Older People, a
tribe to which you now
belong or into which you may soon be
initiated. You may even
come to agree with the poet May Sarton
when she tells us that old
is not interesting-until we get there.
age
Theories about growing old are useful, at
their best illuminating
But the most important meaning of this
time of life could be your
own. You may think of an advantage or a
benefit that is unique to
you, very personal, or even private. Stay
with this thought for a few
moments. See if you can identify
something appealing, something
that wasn't available in your youth or
middle age. If you come
up empty this time, revisit the possibility
from time to time. The
returns are not all in.
3
HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?
The recognition of advancing age dawns
slowly for most peo-
ple. There are inklings from time to time-
a stray gray hair or a
momentary difficulty getting up from a
chair-but you can choose
to ignore them. When these signs and
portents start to form a pat-
tern, the meaning is harder to escape.
Think about your own clues.
Forgetting a name you know well.
Misplacing your keys. Having
some trouble reading the menu. Turning
the music down so you
can hear the conversation. Looking for a
bench in the museum.
Opting for the elevator instead of the
stairs. Entering a room but
having no clue about why you went
there. Taking more naps.
Feeling the cold. Forgetting where you
parked your car. Searching
for a name you recognize in the list of
Grammy Award winners.
HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?
Or the annoying ones-nighttime cramps
in your legs, strange
sparks of light in your eyes, more
frequent trips to the bathroom,
And the unmentionables-thinning of hair,
lessening of libido.
Other clues worth noting are changes in
your personal play-
book, the one based on years of
developing your preferences and
strongly held opinions. Maybe a few
prejudices have made their
way into it, in a category we might label
"I'll never...". When you
revise this unwritten script, consciously
or otherwise, you are
marking a transition from middle age.
Take travel. It was easy to reject the idea
of going on a cruise
when you were in great shape and
looking for adventure. Now, not
so much. Or food. If it tasted good, you
ate it; now you check the
fiber content on the cereal box. Or
shoes. Once you endured the
misery of high heels; now you're tempted
to wear what you and
your friends once called old lady shoes.
When you were young, shortcuts were
the quickest way to get
to school. The focus was on saving time.
As you depart middle age,
shortcuts are about saving your energy.
Some may even earn your
approval. Take cooking. Once you were
a true believer in the gos-
pel of made-from-scratch; now you try a
dish from the prepared
food section of the supermarket and find
it quite acceptable. Long
ago you were taught that a note of
thanks had to be a paper-and-
pen production; now you send a prompt
and sincere email, even
a text. Back in the day, you enjoyed your
status as the last to leave
a party; now you front-end the fun and
head home at a reasonable
hour.
If you've always been self-sufficient (and
proud of it), there's
another kind of clue that you're growing
older. Just thinking
about help asking for it, accepting it-may
be a new develop-
ment for you, whether you actually give
in to the impulse or not.
For now, just take note of this shift in
consciousness away from
your DIY approach to life. Whether your
image is of someone
HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?
else changing a light bulb you can't
reach easily, lending a hand
with moving heavy boxes, or giving you a
very early morn-
ing ride to an airport-don't dismiss these
possibilities in your
future. Think about the occasions when
you've been asked to do
a favor of some sort. Were you pleased
that there was some assis-
tance you could offer to a friend in need
maybe your time, your
upper body strength, or your competent
driving? It's a bit gratify-
ing to be asked to help. The request
becomes an imposition only
if you
extend yourself beyond what's right for
you at that time.
As you advance in age yourself, you'll
need more help of various
kinds and you'll develop skills at
arranging for it.
The Same, But More So
Not surprisingly, some of the oldness
clues are easier to recognize
in others than in yourself. You become
aware of the "more so"
phenomenon in people close to your
age. Personality traits may be
magnified and typical behavior patterns
may be exacerbated. For
example, a friend who was always a bit
too talkative crosses over
into the garrulous zone. Another known
for a cavalier approach to
making plans becomes even harder to
pin down. A sibling who
was picky in your childhood years
becomes downright obsessive.
As for your partner or spouse, you may
find that quirks that were
once quite endearing and appealing
have become irritants, triggers
for your frustration.
In conversation with your peers, you may
recognize a gradual
shift in subject matter. Those same
friends who always provided
stimulating commentary on world events
now lead off with their
latest physical setback, diagnosis, or
treatment. You may be tempted
to join in the organ recital, too. Or they
tell long-winded stories
about their adorable toddler grandson or
their scholarship-win-
ning teen granddaughter. Whatever the
subject, it's bound to be
18
HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?
repeated. If you're lucky, your friend will
offer a preamble, "Stop
me if I've told you this before." Most
often, you just listen.
You, too, become whatever you have
always been-but more
so. For example, you may notice that
your emotional temperature
rises more readily than in the past.
Depending on your personality,
you may express your opinions more
forcefully than ever-at least
initially or mutter to yourself, "I'm too old
for this."
The "more so" phenomenon can also
pertain to your interests
and activities, to the ways you spend
time. If you've occasionally
indulged in a little daytime TV, you may
find yourself lying on the
couch binge-watching through a
weekend without apology. If you've
always loved to travel, you may find
yourself making plans to visit a
few of the destinations on your bucket
list, sooner than anticipated.
There's a variation of the "more so" we
might label the do-over.
There's a tendency among many older
people to want to reread
a book they first discovered years ago.
To watch a favorite film
again-and maybe again. To listen to
music in which every note
is familiar, or every lyric memorized.
There's a wish to reclaim or
repeat an experience that is already
known and loved.
Of course there are exceptions to the
"more so." These take the
form of an about-face, a redirection of
some sort. Despite the pre-
vailing wisdom that people become more
conservative politically
as they grow older, you may know
someone who surprises you
with a ringing endorsement of liberal
causes, post-middle-age. Or
a people-pleaser who goes all self-
absorbed on you. Maybe you
find yourself switching from a lifelong
immersion in classic litera-
ture to downloading bodice-rippers and
crime thrillers on your
e-reader. We'll encounter this notion of
shifting gears or revising
attitudes when we read the description of
Monica's aunt, one of the
role models for successful aging
discussed in Chapter 6.
But the trend among most older people
is in the direction of act-
ing and thinking and feeling very much
yourself, that person you
have always been. Just more so.
HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?
19
Also take note of an interesting variety of
the "more so" expe-
rience that often occurs in families
between the generations. As
you age, you discover that the
between you and your parents
gap
is closing and you find it easier to identify
with them. This holds
true whether they are living or have
passed away. Women and men
talk-sometimes ruefully, sometimes with
pleasure-about their
enhanced resemblance to a mother or a
father as they grow older
themselves, how much more like their
parents they have become.
Maybe it was somewhat apparent in
earlier decades. Now the simi-
larities in mannerisms, in appearance
can be striking.
Additional Evidence
People of all ages, including strangers,
make another kind of con-
tribution to a growing awareness that
you're not as youthful as you
think or want to be. They often perceive
your changed status
before you get the message, and they
behave in ways that reinforce
your transition out of middle age. A
teenager offers you his seat on a
crowded bus. A new acquaintance,
presumably much older, suggests
that the two of you must have graduated
from high school in about
the same year. Your primary care doctor
asks if there are any scatter
rugs in your home-not an inquiry about
your interior décor but an
effort to assess your fall risk. It's as if
these people are holding up a
mirror for you and you're not sure you
want to take a look.
Young children notice signs of your
oldness. Without preju-
dice or hesitation, they affirm it. Annie
was as energetic as ever in
taking care of her toddler grandson. She
was taken aback, briefly,
when he asked why she had lines in her
face. Tom stepped aside on
a sidewalk to allow room for a single file
of preschoolers to make
their way to the park. When he said
"Good morning" to the group.
the chaperone prompted her charges to
respond. The little boy at
the head of the line looked up at Tom
and said cheerfully, "Hello,
Mister Old Man."
20
HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?
The wider culture plays a part, too, in
promoting old age aware.
ness, by offering the senior fare on the
bus or the discounted movie
ticket or the 5 percent off on Thursdays
at the supermarket. An air-
line wants to sign you up for its Silver
Wings program; your gym
hopes you will take advantage of its
Prime Time offerings. Good
deals, maybe, but you may not be
entirely pleased about qualifying
for membership in these groups or
AARP.
Tickets of Admission
Not all clues to what is happening are so
subtle, lurking outside
your consciousness to a degree and thus
allowing for some stub-
born denial. Life transitions are more
explicit markers of admis-
sion into the cohort of elders. Big
birthdays are obvious examples,
the ones that end with "0" or "5."
Retirement in any form-from
a career, from raising a family, from all
kinds of responsibilities-
signifies that the aging process is
underway. When grown children
launch their own adult lives, moving to
new locations, choosing
partners, and possibly having children of
their own, there is a
major change in the structure of the
family-and your status in it.
Perhaps the most profound shift occurs
with the death of members
of the older generation. As you grieve
these losses, you come to
understand that your ranking in the life
cycle has been moved up.
The earlier signposts of maturity-the
driver's license, the first real
job, a home of your own-those were
inconsequential by com-
parison. Now you are a grown-up.
Irrevocably.
Health concerns, of course, play a vital
part in this process of
coming to admit that you are not getting
any younger. For some,
the recognition comes as a sudden
shock, such as a diagnosis of
a potentially life-threatening illness or a
prolonged and difficult
recovery from a serious injury. For
others, the unwanted sur-
prise is that two or more body parts are
demanding attention
HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?
simultaneously. In the past, if you were
lucky, you dealt with one
physical glitch at a time, and after it was
treated you were back to
normal. Not now. Medications may
multiply, too. Those plastic pill
boxes, the ones with compartments
marked with the days of the
week, once struck you as silly. Not so
much, these days.
Living into It
21
How did all this happen? It's a normal
phase of human develop-
ment, old age. Consider, as the joke
goes, the alternative. To make
it more interesting, the average duration
of this phase in most parts
of the world-the number of years you get
to be old-has been
extended over the course of centuries.
Whether you find it startling
or baffling, depressing, or downright
comical to enter this stage of
life, you are facing a shift in how you
think about yourself. It could
be compared to the onset of
adolescence as an identity crisis, with
some distinctive differences. What you
see in the mirror changes
gradually. Whether your hair is graying
or
your skin is wrinkling.
old age creeps up slowly, in contrast to
what seemed like the over-
night appearance of breasts in
adolescence. The run-up to it takes
longer, with two or three decades spent
poised in middle age versus
the twelve or thirteen years after your
birth before puberty hits. The
anticipation of it shades to the negative,
lacking the excitement of
edging closer to the age when you could
drive or drink beer legally.
What's important is to claim this evolving
image of yourself and
live into it, rather than resisting it. "This
isn't how I think about
myself" is the starting point for most
people. It's hard to let go of
comparisons. How your neck used to
look. How sharp your recall
for names and dates was. How few-if
any-pills you took. How
many miles you could run or how much
weight you could lift.
Comparisons are odious. At the very
least they are confusing,
often misleading, and generally not
helpful. You already know that
HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?
comparing your aging self to your
younger self can make you feel
bad, or sad, or angry. But the real
problem with comparisons is that
they take you far from the present
moment, which is where you
need to be. For now, your job is to just
stay open to the possibility
that your very oldness is worthy of some
attention-and respect.
Once you claim this aging territory as
your
own, which is
another way of saying you have
successfully overcome your denial,
you can choose your perspective. You'll
have to navigate between
two poles. At one extreme is the
negative attitude that has histori-
cally characterized the aging process as
dispiriting and debilitat-
ing. At the other is a more recent kind of
hyper-positivity about
growing older that sidesteps the
inevitable losses, promotes a sense
of joy, and celebrates the presumed
vibrancy of your old age. The
good news is that it's all on you to make
your own sense of the
terrain, make your own wise choices.
Some day, your indignation
at the offer of that seat on a train will be
replaced with accept-
ance-even gratitude.
4
THE REAR VIEW MIRROR
You want to succeed at this age thing.
But you can't be good at
being old if you're still trying to be young.
Youthful, maybe, if that
means taking care of your health,
exercising, keeping informed
about the world, and staying open to new
ideas (while retaining
the right to reject them after mature
consideration). Youthful, if
it means looking at the glass half full, at
least part of the time.
But you've advanced beyond young. If
your energy in recent years
has been devoted to various age-defying
maneuvers and strategies,
let's redirect it. Recalling the words of the
late sage Ram Dass (as
immortalized on countless T-shirts), be
here now.
THE REAR VIEW MIRROR
In order to move on-becoming older,
wiser an emotional
journey through your childhood,
adolescence, and middle age is
in order. You can become the researcher
of your own personal
history in a project called life review,
which is often considered
a normal task of late adulthood. It's not to
be confused with the
kind of near-death life-review experience
that people occasionally
claim, declaring that "my life passed
before my eyes" in an instant.
Instead, it's an intentional process of
sifting and sorting through
your memories of people and places and
events, allowing yourself
to feel the feelings that are connected to
them. It's motivated by
the same instinct that causes people to
research their family tree or
attend their high school reunion. The
experience is similar, leading
to some unexpected discoveries and a
keen sense of your gains and
losses over the years.
Engaging in life review helps to integrate
your past with your
present. As the writer May Sarton has
noted, it's like making a map
of your world. The more accurately you
can draw it, the more
clearly you will know where you are now.
How To Do It
You can review your life quite
systematically, working your way
through the years, or try a looser
approach,
associating to various
themes.
Let's start with the most structured, the
creation of an actual
spreadsheet depicting the timeline of
your life. The first step is to
consider what categories seem relevant
to your own story. Some
are fairly standard: geographic location,
education, work, fam-
ily. Others are geared to your particular
interests over the years:
sports, recreation, pets, politics, cultural
activities. Major medical
events often earn a place on a timeline,
as do traumatic experi-
ences. More intimate topics could allow
you to track changes in
THE REAR VIEW MIRROR
your emotional health and wellness, the
evolution of your sexual-
ity or your spiritual life. Once you have
chosen your important
categories, enter them on the left side of
the computer screen-or
on a really big piece of paper-in a vertical
column. (See Appendix
I for an example.)
Across the bottom of the spreadsheet,
horizontally, enter the
years from your infancy to the present.
Grouping them works best:
"Birth Age 5", "Age 5-Age 10" and so on.
If you have a good
memory for dates and they have
meaning for you, you can fill in
those specific years as you proceed.
Now take it one topic at a time to create
a graphic version of
your autobiography. Start with a
straightforward category such
as Geographic Location. On that line,
above the appropriate age
ranges at the bottom of the chart, write in
all the localities where
you have lived. A fairly place-bound
person might have made three
or four moves in the course of her life.
Someone who served in the
military or searched to find work during
hard times or climbed up
the ladder in an organization with many
regional divisions might
have moved dozens of times. An
adventurer or a seeker or a self-
described perpetual malcontent might
have made the most moves
of all.
Entries on the Education line could start
with early schooling
and continue through the various levels
of formal education that
apply to you. Include any lessons or
tutorials or other educational
experiences that are outside that box. If
you are taking advantage of
any of the programs designed especially
for older students-"adult
learners" be sure to note those at the far
right of the timeline.
Everyone has some kind of work history.
On the Work line, fill
in everything from odd jobs in
adolescence to your most crown-
ing achievements in later life. Plus
everything that falls in between.
In the home and out in the world. Paid
and voluntary. Memorable
and not so much.
25
27
26
THE REAR VIEW MIRROR
In the Family category, your entries will
reflect changes in the
membership of the family you grew up in
as well as transitions in
your adult life. Chronologically, you might
start with the birth of
siblings, and proceed through any
changes in your parents' mari-
tal status and the possible addition of
step-relatives. As you grow
older on your timeline, note your own
status in respect to serious
relationships, formalized or not. The
same applies to parenting.
which encompasses the arrival of
children born to you, adopted,
or fostered.
All across the Family line, enter the
deaths of family members
and those important others whom you
claim as family.
Follow the same procedure with the
more meaningful-to-you
categories, the ones you identified that
represent your particular
interests or concerns.
If you chose Politics, enter the campaign
you organized for your
friend's election as treasurer of your
eighth-grade class. The first
time you cast votes in a national election.
The age when you began
to take issue with your parents' political
opinions. The launch
of your involvement in local politics, with
subsequent wins and
losses.
A Recreation timeline is broad in scope,
covering pleasurable
activities of all sorts. Start with what you
loved most as a young
child, be it swinging on the playground,
playing Clue, or dress-
ing up your stuffed animals in funny
costumes. Note what you
enjoyed as a teenager, legally or
otherwise. Move on to the hobby
that you first discovered in your early 30s
and still pursue, select-
ing a few milestones: the pottery mug
that wasn't lopsided, the
apple pie that won a prize.
It's another kind of venture to track your
Emotional Health over
the years. For some people, it's mostly a
steady state with occasional
ups and downs that are hard to capture
on a time line. But for oth-
there are significant events that reflect
changes in your mood
ers,
THE REAR VIEW MIRROR
and behavior at different ages. Diagnosis
of a mental health condi-
tion, treatment of
any kind, self-help efforts-all deserve to
be rep-
resented here.
When the timeline project is complete,
take time to ponder it.
At the very least, this act of remembering
is a way to claim
what has taken place in your life thus far:
the satisfactions, the
disappointments, and much in between.
See if creating it gives you
some sense of coherence, by
assembling all the parts in one place.
Perhaps you will find some patterns-such
as a series of relation-
ships lasting about two years or a
sequence of jobs with bad bosses.
Then pay attention to the gaps or
missing pieces, and contemplate
whether these are lapses in memory or
times you would prefer to
forget. Be sure to take a close look at
how entries in the different
categories may be related or have some
kind of connection. For
example, you may come to find that the
summer you were eight
years old and were sent to visit your
favorite grandmother for a
month was the summer your parents
separated. Maybe coinciden-
tal, maybe not. You could be surprised to
find that the year you
became more involved in a faith
community was about the same
time you were coping with a scary
medical diagnosis. Perhaps your
age when you quit a demoralizing job
matches up with the mood
improvement you noted on the line that
tracks your emotional
well-being.
The timeline offers a deliberate and
systematic way to take an
inventory of your life thus far. You know
your style. If you're rea-
sonably organized and somewhat detail-
oriented-give it a try.
A Different Approach
There's another way to take a good look
in the rearview mirror. Free
association means that you focus on a
particular person or place,
a specific event or experience and let
your mind roam. Imagine
29
18
THE REAR VIEW MIRROR
your brain as a computer screen. You've
typed in "my uncle,"
"soccer." "boyfriends who broke up with
me," or "employee of
the month award." You could have
chosen "places I have lived,"
"embarrassing situations," or "favorite
clothes." Or even the big
surprises in your life. "unexpected
developments."
Get comfortable in a chair and close your
eyes. Or, eyes wide
open, go for a walk. Sitting or moving,
see what comes to mind,
without judging or criticizing as you
reflect on various parts and
pieces of your life story. Try to call up the
earliest image or feeling
associated with the topic, and then the
most recent. Contemplate
your most joyful memory and the most
humiliating, the funniest,
or the saddest, whether you are free-
associating to "my birthdays"
or "Mom." When you lose focus and your
mind wanders to your
to-do list or breaking news, explore
another chapter heading in
your virtual autobiography.
It can be daunting to summon up this
personal data that spans
decades. All sorts of possessions, your
worldly goods, can serve
as aids to stimulate your thoughts and
feelings. Your memora-
bilia may be neatly organized into a
scrapbook or photo album,
or represented by a file of letters you
received and saved in those
years before email. It could be hanging
on your wall, a tidy row
of certificates from different phases of
your career. Somewhat
more random is that bunch of tokens or
keepsakes you have col-
lected and housed over the years, each
connected to some event
or experience in the past. Sometimes the
association is obvious,
such as the ballpoint pen from the
dealership where you bought
that beloved car 20 years ago. Others
require a bit more effort
to track down. At least one object will
defy your detective work,
like the ashtray with the logo you don't
recognize-just an arti-
fact of the long-ago days when you
smoked.
You can also consult with family
members or significant friends
from various eras, when you can't recall
something that seems to
matter. And internet search engines are
always ready to assist you.
Why It Matters
THE REAR VIEW MIRROR
Much of life review is factual, albeit
subjective since you are explor-
ing your own history. But it's also an
opportunity to acknowledge
and grieve over what hasn't happened in
our lives. That our parents
never understood who we really were.
That we didn't pursue the
career we had hoped for. That we didn't
get the promotion. That
the fantasy of life after our divorce was
just a fantasy.
Unmet dreams of every kind. These
deserve attention, too, in
the form of acknowledging our sadness
and disappointment, our
frustration and anger.
When your darkest memories include
acts of self-destruction,
mistreatment or neglect by others, or
hurtful circumstances
over which you had little control, allow
yourself some emo-
tional release. For some people that
means writing down their
thoughts. For others, a brisk walk or a
warm bath. Tears may
help. Be kind to yourself.
I'm describing a process that's very
internal, but you may involve
other people if your recollections are
loaded with old regrets and
resentments. Even at this late date, you
can still tell someone you're
sorry or you're angry. If that's not
possible, you can write a letter
to whomever you offended-or whoever
hurt you. Then burn it or
bury it or put it through the shredder.
Your life review may also stimulate
thoughts of people for whom
you feel great affection. Whether these
are old friends you haven't
seen for years or pals you see every
Friday evening, let them know
their importance to you. You may live for
many years and they
may, too-but why not communicate your
fondness, your grati-
tude, right now? One day it will be too
late.
Along the way, be sure to remember and
celebrate the good
times. Smile at some memories; laugh
out loud at others. Play the
music you love, watch old movies,
reread the book that meant so
much when you were a senior in high
school.
THE REAR VIEW MIRROR
There's no score, no pass-fail. You've
created a thoughtful con-
sideration of your life thus far, and a
preparation for the discover-
les-welcome and not-of old age. I've
described it as though it
unfolds all of a piece, like a spreadsheet,
but that's not really true.
Some of life review is spontaneous;
some is intentional. Whatever
form it takes, however extended or
intermittent the process, make
It matter. Spend time with it.
This looking back through the rearview
mirror has its detrac
tors, those who disdain "living in the
past." But the point is to
visit the past, not to get stuck there. The
point is to recognize and
honor the paths you have trod, the
places you have been, and the
people who have traveled with you on
the
journey. The point is to
understand where you are now.
5
THE SELFIE
At this point in life, how well do you know
that woman or man
whose reflection you see every time you
look in the mirror? Could
there be any good reason to spend
valuable time and emotional
energy getting to know that person even
better?
you
You may not think so. For starters, you
may well associate self-
absorption with adolescence, a
developmental phase from which
graduated long ago. Or you may simply
frown on such preoccupation
with yourself as indulgent. Egocentric.
Even narcissistic. It's entirely
possible that when you were growing up,
terms like "self-actualiza-
tion" or "self-empowerment" had yet to
enter the conversation, for
better or worse. Social media as a
means to promote your personal
opinions didn't exist. The selfie had yet to
be invented, let alone per-
fected-if that's the word-with the addition
of the selfie stick.
THE SELFIE
Set aside your skepticism for a moment.
A healthy degree of
self-awareness is a valuable resource as
you go forward in life. If
you have embarked upon some form of
life review as suggested
in the previous chapter, you've made a
head start. You've already
noting
constructed a map of your world,
surveying the terrain and
your life's significant events. Now let's
place you on that map and
think about who you are in the here-and-
now. Even if you've never
been inclined to introspection, let's take a
psychological selfie.
The older you are, the greater the wealth
of material about yourself.
You have many years of life experience
that inform your personality.
You have suffered and succeeded, lost
and gained. As a child, your
identity was shaped to a considerable
extent by the needs and percep-
tions of others. Parents were primary, of
course, but other authority
figures and peers made contributions,
too. Over the years, some adults
achieve a degree of detachment from
those influences and grow into a
personal identity that is more distinctively
and authentically their own.
Others feel that their subjective sense of
themselves has remained con-
stant throughout life, with no significant
revision over time.
Let's say the description of who-you-are
has remained pretty
consistent. When you were growing up,
your siblings complained
that you were stubborn, and it's true,
even now. When you were
11, you donated your birthday money
from your grandmother to
a homeless shelter; friends today say
you are the most generous
person they know. As a child, you were
always anxious meeting
someone new; in later life, it takes you
ample time with drink in
hand before you can relax and enjoy the
encounter.
By contrast, you may be someone
whose self-image has been
altered even transformed-for reasons
known or unknown, the
convergence of many circumstances and
life experiences. Once
gregarious, now you've become reticent
in social situations. Once
a committed liberal, now you're more
conservative-or the other
way around. Once rather culturally
refined, now you read celebrity
mags without shame.
THE SELFIE
33
Whether you find that your sense of a
personal identity has
remained constant as you have aged or
has evolved-gradually or
even suddenly you
I can draw on this information about
yourself
many
to help you live well in your later years.
Keep in mind that
of the demands and constraints of young
adulthood and middle
age are being lightened or lifted as you
grow older. This works
both ways-fewer responsibilities can
leave some people feeling
emotionally adrift but in a general sense,
aging means increasing
freedom to set your own course, to take
less responsibility for oth-
ers and more for your own self. You can
make choices, determine
your own priorities, and shape your
connections to other people in
some liberating and possibly satisfying
ways.
Whatever your characteristics or
personality traits-from icono-
clast to solid citizen, from predictable to
flighty, from laugh-out-
loud funny to solemnly serious-this
knowledge of yourself in the
present moment forms the basis for
making intelligent decisions
going forward. By intelligent I mean life-
enhancing. Older, wiser.
Some would question such an upbeat
scenario. How can you
maintain any sense of optimism when
the aging process involves
some physical and cognitive decline, if
not downright impairment?
True enough. But consider that a loss of
energy or mobility or
memory makes it even more essential to
create a life that is as con-
sistent as possible with your values, your
tastes, your preferences of
all kinds. You want the time that is still
ahead to be rewarding. And
by being selective, you maintain a sense
of control over what can
be controlled, even as advancing age
inevitably alters the equation.
Getting To Know You
So let's indulge in some introspection, to
bring a little clarity to your
self-analysis. It's a fairly simple matter
really, you interviewing
you. There's no particular format for this
inquiry beyond raising
questions that cover a variety of topics
and giving honest answers.
34
THE SELFIE
It's best to start with some issues related
to your personal prefer-
ences and interests. For example, how
do you really feel about a par
ticular individual, that cousin you have
known forever? Where would
you love to live, if cost were no object-or
can you imagine mov
What do you
ing elsewhere? What is your favorite way
to spend time? Your least
group?
favorite? Do you prefer to be alone or
part of a
prize most about your family and what do
you resent? Do you like
dogs or cats or tropical fish? What do
you really enjoy in art or music
and what do you ignore? What do you
like to read-or, honestly, do
you like to read? What foods do you love
and which do you spurn?
Do you care about fashion? What about
TV sports? You get the idea.
Just see what comes to mind. Don't look
back in time at how
once felt about these subjects; don't
project into the future what
you think you should feel. Let your
imagination roam, fine-tuning
your awareness of your likes and
dislikes.
you
Then turn even more introverted with
your questions. What do
you like best about yourself? And second
best? What's a bit embar-
rassing or hard to handle about your
personality? How much do
you care about your physical
appearance? What are some of your
beliefs, be they philosophical or political,
arcane or commonplace?
Do you tend to act deliberately or
spontaneously? Are you trusting
or skeptical by nature? Do you have a
sense of humor or do you
depend on others to make you laugh?
Do you consider yourself a
genius, just average, or not very brainy?
Are you a dreamer, a real-
ist, or somewhere in between? Are you
inclined to be a saver or
a spender? Would you rather be a host
or a guest? Are you mostly
confident or do you tend to be insecure?
How about empathy for
others-does it come easily or do you
have to make an effort?
Sometimes the clues are in your
behavior, if you take a little
time to analyze it.
Joe was opinionated. He had no trouble
defining what he
believed about the state of the world-and
promoting those views
THE SELFIE
pace
with anyone who would listen. He was
much less familiar with
his own psyche, that funny mix of
distinctive characteristics that
define a personality. His first experience
of raising his psychologi-
cal self-awareness took place at the
gym. He kept noticing that the
guy on the treadmill next to his was
running at a much faster
than he was. Joe's insight #1: "I guess I
have to admit, I'm very
competitive." As he was ending his
workout, he spotted someone
fumbling with the settings on a rowing
machine. Since he knew
that piece of equipment well, he offered
his assistance. He didn't
make much of the moment until he was
driving home, when it
occurred to him: "In some situations. I
get a kick out of help-
ing others." Not exactly an epiphany,
really, but good information
about himself to file away for future use.
But maybe you're quite aware that this
sort of open-ended reflec-
tion with your inner self as the subject
matter has little appeal. It
won't work for you. In that case, you
might do better using one
of the scores of ready-made personality
tests on the market, easily
available online or included in many
books on the self-help shelf.
These are systematic efforts to assess
your strengths and your tal-
ents along with potential areas for
personal growth. Most of them
are knock-offs of the well-known Myers-
Briggs Type Indicator,
which is administered in many settings to
help distinguish person-
ality types. The MBTI was originally
devised as a non-judgmental
way to improve interpersonal dynamics
in the workplace; over
time, the instrument and its offspring
have been used by millions
of people as tools for self discovery.
There's a big market out there.
You can find out which of sixteen
personalities is yours, you can
investigate which Greek goddess or god
you most resemble, you
can even complete a questionnaire that
will determine which ani-
mal you most resemble.
A common criticism of these instruments
is that they fail to
discern nuances of personality traits. For
example, on a scale of
35
36
THE SELFIE
extroversion and introversion, most
adults fall somewhere between
the poles. Defining yourself as one or the
other doesn't capture
your unique blend of those sensibilities.
If you do play around
and it can be fun-with any of these self-
help quizzes, take what
you need but ignore the rest. If there is a
useful insight, file it away;
if the term or label just doesn't fit, forget
it.
Sadie was reluctant to take what she
viewed as a test, an evaluation
of her strengths and all too likely, in her
mind-her weaknesses.
A younger friend who worked in her
company's human resources
department knew all about these
inventories, and convinced Sadie
to try an online version. Throughout her
adult life, Sadie had been
intimidated by people who could
assemble an arsenal of facts to
support their views on just about any
subject. The results of her
"test" were enlightening. In the decision-
making category, those
people who were labelled "Thinking"
were described as consistent
and logical in their approach, driven by
objective data. In contrast,
the "Feeling" style accurately captured
Sadie's instinct to take peo-
ple and their emotions into consideration.
Neither way of making
decisions was deemed superior to the
other, just different. Sadie
was surprised, and pleased at the
validation.
Why It Matters
Whether it takes the form of an extended
off-the-cuff interview with
yourself or a structured exercise, any
attempt to enhance your self-
awareness has value. At any age, it has
the potential to reinforce your
personal status quo, giving more
definition or substance to your self-
image. But as you grow older, this
inquiry can help to effect some
actual changes in the way you live life.
For example, honest self-
analysis can lead to reevaluating
relationships admitting that you
like the company of some people and not
others, and revising your
social life accordingly. It can mean
withdrawing your energy from
a particular cause or organization and
investing it elsewhere. It can
mean
you
THE SELFIE
37
admitting that you never liked classical
music, however hard
tried, freeing you to tune in to the
bluegrass channel from this
character flaws
your
day forward. It can mean taking
inventory of
and deciding that you'll work to improve
in some areas but claim the
others as yours to keep.
In the later decades of life, this
information has the potential to
guide some important decision-making.
When reminiscing, you
realized how eager you were to meet
your tentmates at summer
camp, and how much you loved living in
a college dorm. Further
reflection yielded the insight that your
personality is more outgo-
ing than reserved. You may be a good
prospect for another pass
at communal living some kind of senior
living situation where
residents share common spaces and
socialize freely.
Maybe the psychological selfie helped
you become more keenly
aware of your relationship with money.
You are beyond frugal,
maybe a miser. Family members have
been urging you to take
some of your savings and indulge in a
luxury cruise "while there's
still time." But that's not who you are.
The security of a savings
account means more to you than any
bucket-list adventure. In fact,
you keep no such list.
Or you affirmed your long history with
some deeply held politi-
cal opinions that differ from those of
nearly all of your close com-
panions. Sometimes you've argued,
sometimes you've kept quiet,
but the tension persists and it does no
favor to your blood pressure.
Perhaps the better part of wisdom at this
age is to let go of the
effort to persuade people to adopt your
views. You can stay true to
yourself and focus only on things you
have in common.
Perhaps you acknowledged your
fondness for painstaking preci-
sion in all of your endeavors. So let
people call you fussy. You've
aged out of worrying about how others
perceive you or trying to
live up to certain norms. You have life
experience. Along the way
you have developed a style of living that,
for better or worse, is
distinctively your own. Honor it.
38
THE SELFIE
Can you change who you are, even as
you grow older? Yes. It's
more challenging than when you were
younger, when the brain
was more plastic and habits less
ingrained. But unless your core self
is rigidly antisocial or aggressively
hostile, let's pay tribute to who
you are in the present moment. You've
worked on becoming this
person for many years. Maybe you've
arrived.
Looking Ahead
We associate the term "identity crisis"
with earlier phases of the
life cycle. Adolescents experiment and
flounder as they attempt to
define who they are on the brink of their
adult lives. The midlife
crisis has men--and, increasingly,
women attempting to recap-
ture their youth or somehow compensate
for what they have
missed along the way. By contrast, the
quest for identity in old age
is charged with neither the vulnerability
of the teenage years nor
the urgency of the middle years. Now
you are seeking consolida-
tion, some clarity in describing who you
have become. Make it a
mix of personality factors and character
traits. Include your vir
tues, your quirks, your values. Toss in
the superficial things that
annoy you. Most importantly, declare the
things that you love.
You don't have to work all of this self-
awareness into a memoir
although there's nothing wrong with that.
At the least, you want to
create a record of some sort so the
details of your autobiographical
excursion won't be lost. The written word
is fine, whether it's a hard
copy or a digital document saved to the
cloud. Or make an audio ver-
sion on your phone's recording app.
However cryptic or expansive
your observations may be, you'll have
them, to review and revise
your self-awareness as
when further insights come to you. Think
of
an asset-one of the resources that will
help you resolve some of the
dilemmas you'll encounter in the territory
of aging.
6
YOU AND YOUR
ROLE MODELS
You've been looking in the mirror. Now
let's widen your perspective.
We all have people we look up to, men
and women from whom
we learn how to go about this business
of living. Sometimes the
lessons they provide are focused and
specific, such as teaching us a
foreign language or showing us how to
change a flat tire.
But maybe we simply admire people for
their style or skill.
Perhaps we envy their competence or
respect their accomplish-
ments. These models don't have to be
labeled as mentors or teach-
ers. They can be friends or relatives with
whom we are acquainted,
celebrities we read about or talk-show
hosts we watch on television.
What all these people have in common is
their ability to impress
or inspire us, to make us want to be a
little like them.
40
YOU AND YOUR ROLE MODELS
subconscious
To serve as a model for something, you
need to have a role. Here's
where oldness enters in. There are no
awards or trophies given for
Outstanding Old Person, but that's the
role
that has relevance and
deserves your attention-as you advance
in age yourself. Naturally
there are many negative images of Old
Person, and you are right to
reject them. But there's a good chance
that you can claim at least
one positive role model for your old age
if you give it some serious
thought. The idea is to make whatever
resides in your
a little more explicit so you can make
good use of it. More than a few
women and men are surprised at what
they find when they explore
their mind's inventory of not-so-young
people who have made a
significant mark or impression on their
lives. If that doesn't work
for you, start now. Make it a project to
identify at least one older
woman or man whose attitude or
approach to life you admire. It's
also possible to turn a disappointing or
depressing example to your
advantage, when you vow not to
resemble that unhappy person.
Some models are people you have
known for a long time, so
you've watched their aging process
closely. Others are less personal
connections, people you've admired from
afar. Take former presi-
dent Jimmy Carter, for instance. It's hard
not to be inspired by a
video clip of the 95-year-old volunteering
with yet another Habitat
for Humanity project, wielding a nail gun.
When you think about role models, try
not to be distracted by
the resources that they may have.
Instead, what matters are the per-
sonal characteristics that describe or
define them. Does she or he
bring a positive attitude to growing older,
or possess some attrib-
ute that contributes to success in old
age? Think how a particular
approach to life or aspect of a
personality-might influence your
own scenario for aging wisely.
Sources of inspiration are likely to vary
widely. Let's look at
some examples.
YOU AND YOUR ROLE MODELS
Ashley is in her 50s, but as a young girl
she became fascinated
by Queen Elizabeth. Ever since, she has
been a serious fan of the
monarch:
The queen is not afraid to be her age.
She seems so resilient, what-
ever comes her way. There's nothing
trendy about her. People say
she's outmoded but I love her way of
upholding traditions with
such dignity. I would like to be a little like
her, even though I'll
never wear a crown.
Judy's role model for aging well is
someone she knew for 50 years
before the friend's death from cancer.
Nora was her "go-to" person
when she was troubled, the confidante
who could be counted upon
to provide perspective and bring humor
to most situations. Even
close to the end:
I went to visit Nora a few days before
she died. But as I was
about to enter the house, I met someone
leaving whom I didn't
recognize. She introduced herself as a
minister. I found this quite
strange, since Nora was a lifelong
atheist. I went on into the
house and saw what a terrible condition
my friend was in. I could
barely contain my emotions, but instead
of crying I said, "Now
really, Nora, what was a minister doing
here? You're an atheist.
What in the world could you say to her?"
She replied, in her typi-
cally droll style, "I didn't have to say
anything to her. I just let her
do all the talking." I would have been
quick to take offense in that
situation. Nora's attitude is an inspiration
to me.
Harriet's grandmother Amy was a hard-
working farm wife who
raised five children. Along with all her
other chores over the years,
she baked all the bread for the family. No
store-bought loaves on
their table:
42
YOU AND YOUR ROLE MODELS
I always went to see her when I came
home from college. One time,
I found her in the kitchen. She was
excited. "Look," she said, ges-
turing to yeast and water in a mixing
bowl, "I've discovered a new
way to make my dough rise!" I've always
remembered that scene,
hoping that I could be so willing to try
new things when I grow old.
Timothy is proud to have his
grandfather's name, Norman, as his
middle name. His grandfather died when
Tim was only 15 and he
still misses him today, many decades
later:
He was never in good health. He had
helped build the Panama
Canal when he was in the army and
contracted yellow fever, result-
ing in respiratory issues throughout his
life. But what I remember
most is that, even dealing with the
difficulties of his health, he
always had a sense of humor. Always! I
loved that about him. Now
I realize what a gift that was, to his
grandchildren. I hope I can
emulate that aspect of him as I get older.
John remembers his father as a kind but
imposing figure who had
strongly held opinions on, well, just about
everything. Despite the
family's concern about his safety and
that of others, John's father
was still driving his car on winding
country roads at age 91:
One day my father came home from
driving somewhere and handed
his car keys to my mother. It turned out
that a tricycle had been left
at the edge of the road. He didn't see it,
and he sideswiped it. "I am
so relieved," he announced. "There could
have been a child on that
tricycle. There wasn't, thank God. But I
know it's time for me to stop
driving." I wonder if I'll be so realistic and
decisive if I live that long.
I sure hope so.
Many of the qualities we admire in a role
model-and might want
to emulate-are consistent with our image
of that person. He or
YOU AND YOUR ROLE MODELS
she has seemed thoughtful or funny or
determined or empathetic
as long as we have been acquainted,
whether it's someone we actu-
ally know or a public figure. But
occasionally there's a surprise,
and it's the late-in-life behavior that we
find admirable. Cynthia
described her father's transformation:
My father spent most of his life as an
anxious, rather shy person.
Not very generous with his family, he
was often irritated with
his noisy, obstreperous children. When
both my parents were
in their 70s, my mother was laid low by
Alzheimer's-and my
father underwent a shift in his
personality. He was not in the least
ashamed of his wife's increasingly odd
behavior. He took amaz-
ingly loving and gentle care of her in their
home until she died at
80. During that period he satisfied his
boundless interests about
the world through reading and public
television. He became very
outgoing and people loved to be with
him.
A few years after my mother died, my
father married a woman
who loved learning and travel as much
as he did. Together they
ranged far and wide around the globe.
He died at age 92 as they
were planning a trip to Antarctica. His
curiosity and his remarkable
ability to change are what I admire most.
Not all role models for aging have so
many stamps in their pass-
ports, or enjoy the company of others to
such a great extent. As she
exits middle age, Barbara is able to
reflect, sadly, on her mother's
experience of aging-and to chart a very
different course for her
own life:
My mother had a long history of isolating
herself socially and it
didn't get better as she advanced in age.
I remember when she
married her fourth husband and moved
back to the area where she
grew up. Her best friend from childhood
still lived there, yet Mother
never reestablished contact with her.
When she was widowed again
and moved into a retirement community,
she wouldn't leave her
43
YOU AND YOUR ROLE MODELS
room to take her meals with other
people, or to participate in group
activities. Instead, Mother expected me
to come by every day after
I left work, to chat and pay attention to
her. in her last five years,
she was almost completely dependent
on me, my sister, and her
doctor for social interaction.
I am blessed with a wide circle of friends.
I value my connec
tions to many members of my family. I
have learned so much from
my mother's behavior, the example she
set. I am determined not
to repeat it
Liz offers a touching tribute to a positive
role model and mentor, a
friend who was in her 60s when they first
met:
My husband and I moved from the city to
the country when we
were in our 40s. With no experience
beyond tending a tiny patio
with a few geraniums, we suddenly
owned a rather large expanse
of garden. Then we met Roberta. Her
garden was big and unruly.
full of exotic-to us-plants and shrubs.
She was generous with her
knowledge I became her acolyte as we
wandered around and she
educated me about the joys of
horticulture, the beauty of different
flowering wonders
My parents had died young. I had no
model of an older friend
outside a work setting. As we slowly
shared our lives, I learned that
Roberta had lost her husband to a
terrible car accident and her
first-born son to an illness at age 3.
These tragedies informed but
did not define her life.
As Roberta reached her 80s, she
developed Parkinson's but
refused to become her affliction. She
remained the best company,
caring friend, keen observer of the lives
around her. As I age into
my 70s, I think about her constantly and
wish that her example of
a long life might guide mine.
In some relationships, the older person's
influence takes the form
of outright advice. If guidance turns
peremptory or patronizing,
YOU AND YOUR ROLE MODELS 45
we're apt to resist. But when advice is
offered gently but firmly.
with loving intent, we can accept it. Best
of all, it's a gift that keeps
on giving long after the source has
passed away. When Stephen was
25, he went to work at a small non-profit
organization. Ben was
his boss:
I only worked for Ben full-time for a few
years, but I stayed in close
touch until he died 50 years later. I knew
everyone in his family,
which sort of became mine. He was my
true North, representing
what I think of as the best values and
hopes for the world, and
always acting with integrity. Of course he
wasn't perfect. He had a
temper and you didn't want to get on his
wrong side. But his gener-
osity is what I will remember.
Ben always used the same intro when he
had some advice for
me: "You need to..."
"
I needed to read a book he
recommended, or I needed to recon-
sider some half-formed political opinion,
or I needed to push myself
to take on some new challenge. I can still
hear Ben's soft southern
voice, guiding my decisions and
encouraging me to do whatever he
thought I needed to do. He's always
right.
As a teenager, Alexandra loved to spend
time with her best friend's
mother, Mrs. Murray. Mrs. Murray was
probably not a day over
age 45, hardly an old woman, but to
Alexandra she was not only
advanced in years but also a model of
the kind of empathy that was
in short supply in her own family. Over
time, the older woman
invited Alexandra to call her by her first
name, but she politely
declined. Mrs. Murray would always be
Mrs. Murray:
I grew up in a very conservative religious
tradition. I had different
phases: trying to comply with all the
rules, rebelling against them,
trying to sort out what I really believed.
One afternoon when I was
probably 15 or 16, I confided in Mrs.
Murray, admitting to my confu-
sion and disenchantment with my
family's insistence that I adhere
46
YOU AND YOUR ROLE MODELS
to their brand of religion. Coming from
the some faith, she could
have disapproved. Instead, she said
simply "Well, just stay open to
it." Stay open to it, Over the years-now
I'm 76-I'm still trying to
follow her advice.
Celebrating his 60th birthday, Jerry
turned thoughtful about the
occasion, seeing it as a turning point
from which he could glimpse
his old age (which he likes to describe as
his dotage). He's happily
married, but admits that his worst fear is
loneliness, the possibility
of facing the later years of life without a
partner. Jerry envies and
admires a long-time friend who lives a
satisfying life as a single
man:
Despite being a good decode or more
older than I am, Cus keeps
his calendar jam-packed with activities
and events. I've learned I
can't call him at the last minute and
expect him to be available
He makes an occasional vague
reference to a serious relationship
in the distant past, but without the
wistfulness you might expect or
imagine. Gus often invokes the memory
of his great aunts in mid-
century Chicago, who were all widows
and
led full, vibrant lives. I
think they're his role models. Gus is
mine, if I ever have to live alone.
Jerry describes another important figure
in his life, a positive role
model at a difficult time:
Professor Hermann-as I always knew
him and still think of him-
was a senior faculty member whom I met
my freshman year in
college. He taught mathematics to very
smart people but I avoided
taking class with him so I wouldn't be a
disappointment as a stu-
dent. I cherished our social connection
and was dazzled by his tal-
ents as a skilled furniture maker and
accomplished musician. He
had a 10-foot Steinway grand piano in
his living room!
I adopted Professor Hermann as my first
gay mentor and role
model. I probably took advantage of his
friendship with late-night
YOU AND YOUR ROLE MODELS
calls of complaint and despair, but he
never turned me away. He
was a strong shoulder during my coming
out years when my par-
ents were busy being horrified. Now that
I'm getting older myself,
I can appreciate the example he set for
aging well. Along with eve-
rything else he gave me.
Joanne was in her 20s, single, tackling
the challenges of her first
real job and life in a big city. She became
friendly with her much
older neighbor, a retired art teacher who
lived down the hall:
At first I thought Edith must be 102, but
of course she was only in
her late 70s. I was flattered that she took
such an interest in me.
One day she invited me in for coffee and
asked if I would like to
see her latest art project. She had it
spread out on a big table. On
a large sheet of heavy paper she had
written in beautiful script,
almost like calligraphy-the important
details of her life to that
point. She had drawn details of leaves
and flowers between the
paragraphs, and a beautiful border
around the whole thing. I've
never forgotten that moment, when I
suddenly realized she was
sharing her obituary. I was so impressed,
that she could face the
ending of life with such clarity, such
acceptance. I hope I've taken
the lesson to heart.
"Curiosity about the world"-that's the
phrase that occurs so often
when people reflect on their role models
for aging well. Kenneth
spoke about his friend Keith, who was
well into his 60s when they
first met: "Until his death at age 92, he
was engaged with life and
he was always eager to make a new
friend. He remained curious
about the world, to the end." Marian
shared thoughts about her
father-in-law: "I'm too easily frustrated by
some of his quirks. But
I can't help admiring the way he's grown
older. He's so curious
about the world, he's even an early
adopter of technology I'm just
now learning about."
YOU AND YOUR ROLE MODELS
One positive role model qualifies for the
title by taking a short
walk every day at age 94, whatever the
weather. Another copes
r making
with his failing health without feeling
sorry for himself. Others
maintain their sense of humor,
sophisticated and witty or
bad
the
puns way they always have.
The honor also goes to those who adapt
to their circumstances
and demonstrate a late-in-life capacity
for change. These are role
models who defy the conventional
wisdom of becoming more set
in their ways as they age. Monica
described the evolution of her
aunt's personality: "She was pretty
uptight
when I was growing up,
quite intimidating. As an old lady, she's
less formal, more relaxed,
more accepting of all kinds of people. I'm
not sure she's conscious
of that, but it's so nice to watch someone
move in that direction."
Many of the qualities we admire in older
men and women are
grounded in their realistic attitude toward
aging. That realism takes
many forms. Maybe it's practical: having
the ability to plan ahead
but being willing to revise the plan as
energy dictates, or recog-
nizing that what used to happen in no
time at all-like getting
dressed-now takes an hour. Maybe it's a
kind of acceptance: the
woman who colored her hair for years
and decides to go gray, the
man whose balance was increasingly
precarious until he swallows
his pride and acquires a cane. Maybe it's
about the future, looking
ahead and talking openly about the end
of life: the parent who
makes her wishes clear, the older friend
who asks you to speak at
his memorial service when that day
comes.
There's no one set of instructions for
becoming a role model
for aging well. But such women and men
are out there, and we
do well to notice them and let them guide
us. You can take what
you need for inspiration. Keep your role
models in mind as you
proceed on your own journey.
Eventually, you can create your own
version-becoming an Outstanding Old
Person yourself.
7
DECISIONS
TAKING CONTROL, AND LETTING GO
As more candles are added to your
birthday cake, some of your
scenarios for the future are likely to be
up for revision unless you're
blessed with a large inheritance and
perfect health. The possibili-
ties how you spend time and with whom,
where you live, how
you get around-are not quite as open-
ended as they once seemed.
Because it's a good bet that at least one
of your resources is dimin-
ishing. It could be emotional energy or
physical stamina. It could
be time. It could be money. The older
you become, the more these
limitations affect your ability to
choreograph life to your liking.
Naturally, some of the choices you made
in the past have a pro-
found influence over the options
available as you grow older. As
Fred Astaire (among others) is alleged to
have said, "Old age is like
50
DECISIONS
"
everything else. To make a success of it,
you've got to start young."
That seems to have worked out well for
Fred, but few among us
had any clue, way back then. Now it may
be that the best you can
precluded
do is to make this connection between
past experience and present
options more explicit.
It's important to accept that certain
possibilities were
long ago. You got an education or
specialized training, or you
somewhat
didn't. You jumped through various
career hoops, or you didn't.
You became a parent, or you didn't.
These decisions are
immutable, past the age of 60. You can
audit college courses, you
can develop an "encore career," you can
volunteer to teach
children how to read. All well and good.
But except for some pos-
sible detours, most of us are traveling
pretty close to the same road
we set out upon a long time ago.
young
Let's give special attention to the choices
you made in good
faith-or innocence that haven't held up
very
well. Perhaps you
chose to be coupled but ended up single.
Or you moved into your
forever home and found you couldn't
afford it. Add to this list the
choices with repercussions over a
lifetime that would have been
hard to imagine, back in the day.
Marrying a much older spouse.
Moving far away from family members.
Choosing a career based in
a technology that became obsolete
before you retired.
Much of your decision-making in youth
and middle age was prob
ably guided by an informal consideration
of the ratio of costs and ben-
efits. For most of us, not a very
deliberate process. If you took risks,
you figured that at some level you had
the strength of spirit and the
resources to revamp and revise as
necessary. You could bear the costs.
If you didn't take risks-and with hindsight,
wish you had-you
need to treat yourself gently. Have you
ever realized that you did
the best you could at the time, given the
synergy of your circum-
stances and your fears? Give yourself
some credit. Besides, you don't
really know what the outcome would
have been if you had acted
more boldly or courageously, if you had
been more ambitious or
DECISIONS
adventurous. In your fantasy, you field
reporters' calls after learn-
ing you've received a MacArthur genius
grant. Could happen, but
what are the odds?
If living well in old age means bringing
some selectivity to
bear on the choices that remain, what
then? A first step is sorting
through the old ones, to recognize the
frustrating or disappointing
choices that can't be made over, not at
this time in your life.
This is hard work, to be so honest with
yourself. If you can
find some saving grace, some
unexpected satisfaction that emerged
from a bad decision, that's fine. It's more
likely that you'll end up
grieving for the man or woman-you-who
made those choices
long ago. It's tempting to judge that
young and inexperienced
person by the standards of your older,
wiser self. That's not fair.
Instead, summon your empathy and try
to forgive yourself.
Not easy. But you deserve some relief if
you are weighed down
by bags full of regrets when you make
excursions into your past.
Better to save your emotional energy for
what's ahead.
Taking Control
What are some of the dilemmas typically
associated with advanc-
ing age? There's your work life: if, when,
and how to retire, and
what to do thereafter. And your living
situation: downsize or not,
age in place or move to a retirement
community, stay in familiar
surroundings or relocate near family
members. Health issues: if,
when, or how to change doctors, to seek
a second opinion, to opt
in or out of elective procedures. Financial
decision-making: save
or spend, shop with coupons or treat the
whole family to a luxury
vacation, if you can afford it. And all
those baffling considerations
related to driving your car: daytime only,
perhaps, or sticking to
familiar routes, or reluctantly-turning in
your keys.
Whatever the problem you are trying to
solve, you may be sur-
prised by your sense of caution. A
certain degree of risk aversion
51
52
DECISIONS
goes
often with the aging process. This
trepidation can be trumped,
of course, if you're willing to adopt "if not
now, when" as your
mantra. To do that means accepting the
trade-off of downside and
upside, gambling that you can tolerate
the former in hopes of enjoy-
ing the latter. Adoption of this stance is
grounded in your under-
standing that life won't be affording you
these options forever.
Whichever group you belong to a bit
fearful or going for
broke-you can master the art of dealing
with life's possibilities
in a way that improves the outcome of
your decision-making. To
start, put some time and thought into
defining the issue you are
trying to resolve. You want the fullest
possible description of the
problem at hand. Consider making a list
and writing down all the
variables. Explore the quandary,
whatever
it may be profound to
seemingly trivial-until you've identified as
many angles as possi
ble. If you find that you are looking not at
one issue to resolve but
at several, that's a useful discovery.
When you can't think of another detail to
add, focus on the
consequences--the benefits and costs-of
each potential resolu-
tion of the situation you are addressing.
Your age works in your
favor as you bring an accumulation of
self-knowledge to this pro-
cess, pondering each possibility in
regard to its suitability for you.
Keep in mind that you are assessing
what's appropriate in the here
and now. Keep the memories of what
was once right for you at bay;
keep your fantasies of the future under
some control.
Then use your creativity to bring all this
analysis to a satisfy-
ing conclusion. Of course, some
questions can be answered with
a simple Yes or No. But consider that
your reward may be to find
a solution that's outside the original box.
Perhaps your decision
will involve phases or stages of action
rather than a focus on a
single point in time. Maybe you'll think of
a substitute for some
part of the puzzle that seemed
unsolvable, at the outset. You may
even experience a shift in the importance
that you give to the
DECISIONS
53
problem under consideration, granting it
less significance in the
great
scheme of things.
Let's look at some real-world examples.
Marie was diagnosed with multiple
sclerosis in middle age.
She coped well, relying on her resilient
spirit. But as she aged,
her symptoms were exacerbated. As a
meticulous housekeeper,
it pained her to let go of her high
standards and face the reality
that she couldn't live up to them. She
found dirty windows espe
cially depressing. One day she took
fresh stock of her situation.
She reconsidered the problem, thinking
about all of her win-
dows, throughout her house; she
rethought her options beyond
clean or not-clean. She made the choice
to clean one particu
lar window until it sparkled, and to
especially enjoy looking
through that opening to the outside
world.
Roy, a successful man in his early 70s,
was increasingly troubled
as he faced the decision to resign from
his accounting firm. He
loved the work that had defined and
supported him for decades.
On the other hand, it was hard to ignore
the fact that the firm's
junior partners were the same age as his
grown children. Long-
time colleagues were retiring all around
him. To resolve the issue,
he adjusted his focus beyond staying
versus leaving. He began to
wonder if there were alternatives to life at
the firm, other ways
to maintain his professional identity and
share his expertise. He
explored various possibilities, from part-
time consulting to a vol-
unteer job teaching the fundamentals of
accounting at the local
community college. He found he could
"retire" and add to his
résumé at the same time.
Natalie lost her husband after a long
illness. She was caught
between well-meaning friends who urged
her to relocate to a
nearby retirement community as soon as
possible-for her safety
and well-being-and others who insisted
that it was folly to make
such a big decision in the first year
following her spouse's death.
DECISIONS
She seesawed between moving and
staying in her own home,
and her anxiety spiked. When she
reworked the definition of her
dilemma, she began to find some clarity.
She made notes about
her hopes and her fears in this life
transition. She joined a support
group for widows and widowers, seeking
guidance from people
who didn't know her and didn't have their
own strongly held views
of what she should do. She researched
cooperative living possibili-
ties. Before long, the decision ("What
should I do?") gave way to a
process that she could pursue ("What
matters to me now and what
living situation would best support it?").
She made a thoughtful
choice, ten months later
Important celebrations-holidays,
birthdays, graduations, vaca-
tions, reunions present all kinds of
opportunities to revise your
decision-making in an older, wiser mode.
Maybe you've upheld
traditions of long standing, rituals loaded
with meaning to you and
significant others. The very thought of
making changes is unset-
tling, at best.
Ruby, a devoted mother and
grandmother widowed in her
70s, had a positive outlook on life and
was grateful to be in good
health. Still, she approached the
Christmas season with trepida-
tion. She simply lacked the energy to
make the holiday live up to
the expectations of the family members
who had always counted
on her, year after year, to create a
festive environment, arrange for
entertainment, and feed them all well.
On an occasion fraught with so many
memories, she knew that
any revision of the family's time-honored
routines should start
small. She admitted she had no idea
how others would react, but
she was determined. So she acquired all
the ingredients for the
three kinds of cookies her family
members deemed essential to the
celebration. She posted the recipes on
her kitchen cabinet doors.
When the first visitors arrived, a day or
so ahead of the others,
she invited them to bake the cookies.
There was some surprise,
DECISIONS
55
perhaps a little disappointment, but it
was a sugar-coated reality
check that their holiday producer and
director was, in fact, getting
older.
people
Whether you are struggling to resolve an
issue that affects other
e or one that has consequences felt only
by you, the attitude
you take about the outcome can make all
the difference. You've
heard it before, perhaps you have heard
it often, that the perfect is
the enemy of the good. It's a cliché at
any age but it has a special
poignancy as you grow older. Because
even if you can't resist aim-
ing for perfection, you may not have the
time or energy to achieve
it.
So if you didn't know it before you grew
old, you surely know
it now: that life is all about trade-offs.
Even as you adapt to some
new realities, even if you make choices
wisely and well, you can't
have it all. That fact feels so definitive in
old age.
But there are compensations. Given a
wealth of life experience,
there's the opportunity to make choices
more knowledgeably, even
as the options available are narrowing.
We have a data bank about
ourselves our strengths, our
vulnerabilities, our history in regard
to making good and bad choices-that we
can bring to bear on our
decisions. We know how to prioritize,
how to give more impor-
tance to some issues than others. We've
confronted so many chal-
lenges over the years and refined our
coping skills along the way.
And Letting Go
There's something else to consider as
you grow older. If you've
always thrived on taking charge of
various aspects of your life.
maybe it is time to practice letting go of
some of them. It's a dif-
ferent organizing principle, perhaps a
subconscious introduction
to the ultimate letting go, but offering its
own rewards. Whether
you seek relief, rest, or relaxation-
variations on a peaceful state
DECISIONS
of being--you can learn to release some
of the tension involved in
maintaining control. It takes some effort if
you've always under-
stood "letting go" as an inferior attitude or
a passive approach to
life. In old age, it's not avoidant. It's an
honorable, active choice.
Of course you want to take responsibility
for yourself as long as
feasible. That's a good kind of control.
But you can let go a little at
a time of taking responsibility for others.
You can choose to take
a back seat and let others lead. You can
relinquish your tight hold
on issues and agendas of all sorts. In
frustrating situations, you can
say to yourself, "It is what it is" and mean
it. You can ponder
some questions: What's the worst thing
that will happen if I skip
the meeting? If I send the birthday card
three days late? If I let the
grass grow another inch?
Picture the scenario and see how it feels.
If it's tolerable, you can
try letting go of some control-becoming
just a little less responsi
ble in various endeavors.
Sharon, reluctant to tell her age but
somewhere in her 70s, was
the consummate volunteer. Whatever
the cause, whenever the call
for help, she was likely to raise her hand.
She actually enjoyed the
feeling of being needed, and of making a
contribution. Her aging
was a graceful process, not obvious to
the world, with just a drop
in energy level and mild arthritis-in one
hip. But Sharon was tired
She wanted to give up her status as the
ever-ready helper, if only
she could find the words to opt out when
requests were made for
her involvement in a project. To her
amusement and the surprise
of others-she found them. When asked
to participate in some-
thing that was less than compelling, she
would say brightly, "Oh,
I'm so sorry. I have aged out of that."
Letting go is an adventure in adaptation.
Like most adventures, it
takes some courage. Like most
experiments, it involves some trial
and error. Who knows what you will
discover or how you will
feel about having fewer obligations or
revising your expectations
of yourself? Consider it a learning
experience, courtesy of aging.
8
WORKING. OR NOT.
In the bygone eras of our grandparents
and great-grandparents,
retirement was often a fairly simple
matter. You had worked long
and hard. If you were lucky you were
honored with a gold watch
and you entered the ranks of the retired.
If you had a profession or
managed your own business, you might
keep your hand in, seeing
a few clients or acting in some advisory
capacity. For many people,
it was up and out.
All this has changed. As a member of a
generation that is living
longer and enjoying good health and
vitality into old age, you may
have both the time and the energy to
pursue all kinds of options
other than traditional retirement. That's
the good news. The not-so-
good reality is economic: between
savings lost during a recession,
58
WORKING. OR NOT.
ongoing threats to pensions or 401(k)
plans, and the ever-increas-
ing costs of medical treatments and long-
term care, your need for
income may trump any fantasy of
watching old movies late into
the night-with no alarm set to wake you
in the morning.
Still, you may be able to withdraw from
full-time employment
in stages, or reinvent yourself and
pursue an "encore career." Some
employers have even developed
"phased retirement" scenarios in
which workers can notch down to part-
time hours while receiving
pro-rated salaries and benefits.
But if you've been a full-fledged member
of the workforce and
anticipate departing from it, or at least
significantly revising your
status, you'll need to decide when and
how to proceed.
In some cases, there may be no real
decision to make. Let's say
you've devoted many years to an
organization that has a mandatory
retirement age and it's six months away.
Or you've worked for an
outfit with no more room to advance and
there are few prospects
in your field for people your age. Maybe
your company offers -
a buy-out and after a period of
deliberation you conclude that it's
too good to pass up. Maybe health
issues or family responsibilities
make it clear that it is time for a change.
you
Maybe it happens-your job makes you
miserable. Colleen is a
prime example of unambivalent thinking
about retirement:
In two hundred seventy-eight days-I'm
counting them down-
I'll be free to walk out the door. I've never
really loved my job, but
the last ten years have been the most
difficult. Demanding bosses,
boring assignments. But I've put in my
time and contributed to my
retirement funds. That feels good. Soon I
will feel even better.
If the decision to retire-let's use the word
as shorthand for any
significant variation on the working life in
which you've been
actively engaged-presents more of a
dilemma, here's a process
WORKING, OR NOT
to follow. Just remember that you can't
be
in this situation with
out some angst. Don't pay too much
attention when some earnest
friend declares that another door will
open when this one closes.
even if that proves true. You're not there
yet.
to you or
Facing Your Feelings
The prospect of leaving a job and
relinquishing the satisfactions of
a career is bound to provoke mixed
emotions. Those trend to the
negative if health issues of your own or
the needs of people close
inflexible company policies dictate this
change. If you
loved what you did-if your work largely
defined who you are-
you're vulnerable to feeling sad,
confused, regretful, or resentful.
Or all of the above. For nearly everyone,
there's ambivalence. All
that time, all that energy, all those
rewards-psychic and practi-
cal-and you're on the verge of giving it
up.
For some people, the attachment has
been to the core substance
of the work itself. For others, the
interpersonal relationships were
primary. For still others, the prestige or
the perks meant more than
they might care to acknowledge. For
most, it's been a mix, a potent
combination of concerns, commitments,
and connections.
At the deepest level, the attachment may
be to life itself. It's no
surprise that there's an emotional
association between retirement
and the end of life. This transition is a
stark reminder of mortal-
ity. The determination to continue
working "let me die with my
boots on" is a metaphor for fighting to
stay alive.
It doesn't help that our society tends to
value performance over
any other measure of our worth. That
contributes to the notion of
retirement as a near-death experience.
Even if you find new ways
to spend time and fresh uses for your
ingenuity, there is still the
loss of those performance-driven
reinforcements of your impor-
tance from positive reviews (evaluations
and awards) to financial
60
WORKING. OR NOT.
rewards (raises and bonuses). The
suspicion that a human "doing"
is superior to a human "being" rests on
the fact that we are hard-
wired in our Western culture to excel at
the former at the expense
of the latter.
Facing your feelings means making an
honest appraisal of your
losses. Figure out exactly what you will
miss about your job or
your career and how that makes you
feel. Anxious, sad, fearful
that you'll soon be forgotten-they're all
part of your emotional
inventory.
Meryl was trained as a social worker and
advanced into an
administrative post in her agency when
she was in her 50s
Pondering the possibility of retiring next
year, when she turns 65,
she didn't hold back:
Of course I know I can be a volunteer in
my field. But I also know
will never again feel the excitement of
presiding over a contentious
staff meeting and bringing it to a
successful outcome. Or seeing
a child blossom as a result of my helping
to make fundamental
changes in a family. I may do something
interesting, even mean-
ingful, when I retire-but I know those
thrills are gone.
Making a Decision
Once you have admitted to your own
doubts and fears, consider
allowing others to be part of your
process. Retirement is a major
life passage, whether welcomed or
dreaded, and it can help to talk
it out. You may want to consult with
others who know you well
and are able to set aside their own
needs and wishes in order to
help you with yours. Admit that this is a
strange or difficult time
for you. Invite their input as you make a
two-column list of the
pros and cons, benefits and costs of the
decision to retire. There's
no room here for anything but candor.
Acknowledge reasons for
staying or going that may be superficial.
Include the trivial ("I like
WORKING. OR NOT.
talking sports with my assistant") along
with the profound ("Our
sustainable energy task force is making
real progress at last and I
want to be part of it"). Sit with the list for
a few days, go back to it,
review and revise. Compare the two
columns when you're satisfied
that you have honestly considered all the
angles of your particular
situation.
tinue
Or try living in each side of your
ambivalence for a period of
time. For a day or even a week, pretend
that you are going to con-
working, just as you have been, for the
foreseeable future,
perhaps a year or two. When retirement
thoughts intrude, let them
float away and refocus on the task at
hand, imagining that you will
stay on in your present job. How does it
feel? Are you a little disap-
pointed or a bit relieved? Calm or
anxious? Stay with it. Just take
note of your mood.
Then try shifting to the other side of the
ambivalence, adopting
the same time frame. Pretend that you
have left your work; you're
in the first year or two of retirement.
Naturally it will be a little
harder to picture a life that you have not
yet designed, but let your
imagination run free. What do you feel?
Apprehension or antici
pation? Resentment or acceptance? A
loss of control or a sense of
freedom?
Denise, age 66, was all too familiar with
the roller coaster of
ambivalence. It helped her to name it, to
give it some definition:
I was worried about not seeing enough
of my 92-year-old mother,
who lived on the West Coast. And I was
so tired; it felt like my big-
gest goal in life was to sleep later. Those
two factors made me look
forward to retirement with a sense of
relief.
Then I would get back in touch with how
much I loved my job.
Every day there was a different
intellectual problem to solve. That
sort of challenge and the teamwork
involved-that was cool. And I
was so apprehensive about giving it up.
61
62
WORKING. OR NOT.
But I was tired. After about a year of
reflecting on my situation,
I gave six months' notice. At the time, I
said that was for the benefit
of my organization, helping with the
transition. But now i think the
six months were really for me, to adjust,
to have said it out loud. It
made me think clearly, "OK, you are
going
to have to let go of this."
I probably could have changed my mind.
But I didn't.
There's no magic here, no foolproof
formula, but stay with the
process, take stock of your emotions-and
be open to surprises.
You might benefit from reflection of a
different order, if you're
still uncertain of your direction. Think
back to some of the impor-
tant decisions you have faced over the
years. Make a list of eight or
you still
ten. Delete the ones you truly regret and
any over which
harbor misgivings. Focus exclusively on
the best ones, the deci-
sions that led to good outcomes or a
solid sense of doing right by
yourself, whatever the odds. Then move
from that conclusion to
the process itself. What do you recall
about those periods of time?
What resources did you use? Whom did
you consult-friends,
family, professionals or did you go it
alone? Did you come to a
decision quickly or did you struggle, right
down to the wire? Did
you act on it easily, or revisit it
repeatedly before you could trust it?
If you came up with a cluster of good
decisions to analyze, look
any similarities in the steps you took to
get to a resolution. If
you note some consistency in the
methods that led to positive out-
comes, you may have a template-time-
tested, in fact for mak-
ing a decision about retirement. If things
seem more random-in
one case, you never confided in anyone
and in another you practi-
cally convened a village it's still a useful
exercise because you've
turned up a variety of factors that you
found helpful in making big
decisions in the past.
for
Gloria made a list of eight major life
decisions and was sur-
prised and somewhat chagrined-by what
she discovered. Six
WORKING. OR NOT.
63
of the decisions-including her choice of a
college, selection of a
major, and marriage at a young age
were impulsive. There was
little discussion with peers and certainly
no consultation with any
who might guide or advise her. She was
a
solo operator and
one
her decisions were faits accomplis-by the
time she shared them with
others, it was too late to reconsider.
Some years later, two decisions stood
out in contrast. When she
was divorced and the mother of teenage
children, Gloria debated
going to graduate school and embarking
on a new career. She
talked through the options with a
counselor, with close friends,
and with acquaintances in the field she
was considering. She feels
both pleasure and pride about making
that significant change in
her life. And when her children were
grown and she no longer
needed a three-bedroom house, she
spent months doing research
on downsizing and alternative living
possibilities. She read every
article containing an "empty nest"
reference. She talked with eve-
ryone she knew who might offer a
perspective on transforming
her lifestyle. Gloria gained the
confidence to move and establish a
new home:
Based on my prior history, I think two
things are important as I
approach the retirement decision. The
most obvious is the impor-
tance of engaging with a few other
people as I try to make up my
mind. It's not that they know what I
should do, but the conversa.
tion makes me think about things from
other angles, and more
thoroughly. The other has to do with the
process. I mean, it is a
process. It takes time. That's very
different from the way I handled
some decisions that didn't turn out well,
sort of all by myself sitting
in a room. And not sitting there very long
Some of the anxiety and uncertainty
surrounding the decision
to retire comes from its distinctive, once-
in-a-lifetime status in
the array of decisions that you make
over the years. "You only
64
WORKING. OR NOT.
do it once." "There's no user manual."
You are apt to come at it
as though you had no
preparation. In fact, you have a lifetime
of
decision-making to draw upon.
Decisions made in youth and middle age
have a forward momen-
tum. You choose whether to embark on
a career, to enter into mar-
riage, to have a child. To pick a vacation
spot or buy a house or
acquire a dog. There's a look-ahead, go-
ahead aspect to these choices.
In contrast, the decision to retire means
looking back and letting go.
It's not simple or easy and it deserves
very careful consideration. At
the end of the day, however, take
comfort and perhaps be guided
by the words of many older women and
men who have made this
decision: "It was time."
If you've come this far, see Making It
Happen (Appendix II) for
some practical pointers on implementing
a decision to retire.
What's Next
Do you need to know what's next? Some
people's decision-making
is very purposeful. They head into some
version of retirement in
order to have the time and energy for a
specific pursuit. Or pur-
suits. Volunteer work, home renovation,
college courses, adven-
ture travel, hands-on grandparenting-you
name it. For others,
uncertainty about the future is actually
liberating. The freedom to
explore various options, release from
responsibilities, permission
to Do Nothing-these may have more
appeal than making plans or
setting goals for retirement.
You know who you are and what pleases
you. If you were a
comedian, would you prefer a script or
improv? Are you tempera-
mentally a planner or do you favor
spontaneity? Do you stick to
familiar routes or are you more apt to
take an off-ramp without
knowing where it might lead?
WORKING. DR NOT.
And whether the decision to transform
your working life is
highly focused or exploratory at the
outset, you can always change
your strategy. After all, you're the boss.
Many people are surprised
by the discrepancy between their original
vision of life in retire-
ment and the reality as it plays out over
time, tilting in the direc
tion of becoming less goal-oriented, less
productive, more open to
taking long walks and meeting friends for
coffee. Sandra fits that
description:
I had been thinking about retirement
from
my legal career for some
time, had even cut back to three days a
week. But I was so afraid I
would sit at home and watch soap
operas, that I would became a
nobody. I saw a therapist for a few
months and he helped me talk
about my hopes and fears. Here's the
funny part. Thirty years ago,
if anyone had said to me, "You're one of
the ladies who lunch," I
would have been indignant. Now it's one
of my favorite activities,
having lunch with friends.
There are exceptions, of course. Some
women and men who joyfully
anticipated their freedom find that they
have too much time on their
hands. They yearn for structure and
meaning, They need to start
with a practice, perhaps move on to a
project. Later, we'll explore
those options.
Parting Moments
65
Once you have resolved your
ambivalence and made a decision,
don't just slip out the door. If you are
saying a final goodbye to
your workplace, you need to have an
ending. If you are restructur
ing your role and your responsibilities-
changing your status in
any significant way you need to mark the
passage from the old
to the new.
66
WORKING. OR NOT.
Closure matters. It's for you, so you can
reflect on the past and
receive whatever recognition or
on this
appreciation is offered
so they can
occasion. And it's for your co-workers or
colleagues,
and congratulate you on the transition.
True, there
may be some thinly disguised envy in the
form of bad jokes at your
expense. Ignore them or laugh along
with the group.
celebrate you
Whether because of modesty or
embarrassment, many depart-
ing workers resist the idea of a
retirement reception or party.
Others object because it may seem
insincere or pro forma. Still
others resent the obligation to smile
politely at the boss they never
liked and make small talk with a couple
of
new staffers they barely
know. Some, of course, welcome the
attention.
Just do it. Do it because we all need
rituals in our lives to meas-
ure and mark what's important. Do it
because it helps to close that
door so you can eventually open the next
one. Do it whether you
feel sad or upbeat, melancholy or
cheerful. You can cry or you can
laugh, or both. Just do it.
Deborah retired after 37 years as a high
school teacher. She was
passionate about her students and about
her subject, English com-
position. It wasn't easy to leave what she
loved, and the introvert in
her was reluctant to share this
momentous event with others. Still,
she had participated in a monthly
restaurant dinner with the other
teachers in her department and felt
reasonably comfortable-if
hardly gregarious in that setting. As the
end of the school term
approached, she told a few colleagues
that this would be her ending
as well. At the final dinner of the
academic year, she was honored
with a cake and congratulations. She
was surprised, and pleased at
the attendance: "Some teachers who
generally looked for ways to
avoid each other, who had no end of
conflicts and dramas-they
all came together for that dinner."
of
Along with agreeing to some kind of
planned activity in your
honor and participating gracefully-it's
important to take care
WORKING. OR NOT.
any unfinished business before you
depart. Is there a compliment
you've always wanted to give to a long-
suffering member of your
team but never found the right opening?
Now's the time. Are there
persistent feelings of disappointment that
you never expressed to
your supervisor? An exit interview may
give you an opening to
deal with difficult issues. You'll feel better
as you head down the
road.
What Comes After
If you're really leaving an organization,
you will need to figure out
how and how much-to stay in touch with
your workplace, if
that's appealing. Maybe there are valued
connections to maintain,
friendships of substance beyond the
work environment. It won't be
the same-now you have to make
arrangements to get together-
but there's little doubt that these
relationships have enduring value.
Your ties to others and to the group as a
whole are more likely to
dissipate over the months and years
ahead. Approaching retire-
ment, many people like to imagine that
their membership in an
organization will be renewed indefinitely,
despite the change in
their status. They may even picture
themselves as unpaid consult-
ants or mentors. More often than not,
that kind of connection
diminishes over time.
67
Grieving and that's what you are doing-is
a
long, slow pro-
cess of transforming reality into memory.
When you first experi-
ence any loss, it doesn't take much to
provoke regression. What
does that mean? In the case of
retirement, regression means hold-
ing on tightly eagerly seeking news of a
project you supervised,
gossip about your section members,
latest developments in your
field of interest. The need to belong, to
identify, may remain strong.
Thoughts about work and the workplace
arise frequently and spon-
taneously. As the process of letting go
evolves, your thoughts are
68
WORKING. OR NOT.
more apt to be stimulated by particular
cues the email from a
former colleague, the time of day
associated with a regular depart
mental meeting, the sound bite on the
evening news. Over time,
the feelings evoked by these
associations also change, losing some
of their intensity.
away
You could even find that your work-
consciousness shifts
from an active, wide-awake mode of
thinking and reappears when
you are sleeping. As one long-retired
journalist says ruefully, "I still
dream about being a reporter, imagining
that I'm on a story."
Whether your departure from work takes
the form of a tradi
tional retirement or a variation on the
theme, make it deliberate
Let the process unfold. Feel the feelings.
Share them with others.
Eventually you will achieve a kind of
detachment from the work
you did for so long-a detachment
endowed with varying degrees
of sadness or fondness, as the case may
be. In the future, when you
meet someone new who poses the
inevitable question-"What do
you do?"-you can respond with
satisfaction, "I did it."
9
YOUR PRACTICE,
YOUR PROJECTS
Maybe you are still working, either
contemplating retirement or
resisting it. Perhaps you are in the
process of modifying your work
life in some creative fashion. Whatever
your status, you'll eventu-
ally need to think about making the best
use of your time and
energy as you grow older. Here's where
your recent adventures in
self-awareness-your reflections on who
you are and what matters
to you serve a purpose.
You should have a practice. You may
also want a project.
Designing a Practice
A practice is simply a pattern of behavior
that is carried out time
and time again. It is a routine to engage
in without making lots of
YOUR PRACTICE, YOUR PROJECTS
decisions or choices. The actions are
essentially the same, over and
over. At a time in life when so much is
changing, think of your
practice as a way to feel more stable,
grounded, centered-what-
ever term you prefer-in the flux of
advancing age.
Engaging in a practice might sound like
indulging the well-known
penchant of older people for what's
familiar or rote, and it does
trade on that sensibility. But it goes a
step beyond, as an intentional
and potentially satisfying way to maintain
some control of your life.
If you've always worked, you already
know about a practice
because you had one: your job. Think of
all the fixed parameters,
from the hour you awoke to the time you
returned home at the end
of the day. In between, there were
various set tasks and obligations.
Even if you hadn't been employed in the
traditional sense, chances
are still good that you established some
predictable routines in
middle years, based on the variety of
responsibilities you had.
A good practice serves to give some
structure to your life. As you
free yourself from the constraints and
dictates that shaped your
earlier years, you can tailor your practice
however you like. The
most essential aspect is that the routine
appeals to you, enough that
you are willing to repeat it, over and
over. As you might guess, a
daily practice is desirable. Aim for
developing a practice that you
can carry out three times a week, at
minimum.
your
But a good practice isn't just a
dependable way to start or mark
the day. It can be social or solitary,
whichever you prefer. It can be
as active or as contemplative as you like.
You may know right away what kind of
routine would work for
you. It might evolve from something
that's already in place in your
life. Let's say you've been going to work
out at the neighborhood
gym twice a week after work. Now you
can add a third session and
get there earlier in the day.
If nothing comes to mind, think back and
wonder if there is
some activity to revive or build on from
your past. Maybe you
she was
YOUR PRACTICE, YOUR PROJECTS
enjoyed an early morning walk with a
next-door neighbor until
stransferred. Maybe you started that
meditation course and
actually devoted five minutes daily to
sitting in silence, until real
life intervened. Maybe you did crossword
puzzles on airplanes or
while waiting for the kids at soccer
practice; now you can devote
thirty minutes every morning to that
pleasure.
You can even construct a practice out of
various elements in a
combination that makes sense only to
you. Grind your own coffee
beans. Then take a cup of coffee to a
comfortable spot and read
the entire sports section of the
newspaper, including some sports
you never used to follow. Or brew tea,
head to that favorite chair,
listen to classical music, and take up
your knitting for forty-five
minutes.
You may want to analyze your days or
weeks in terms of what's
missing from your life or if you're still
employed, will someday
be missing. If it's the pleasure of
conversation with co-workers.
your practice needs to include the
companionship of others. If
it's physical activity, make sure your
practice involves movement
in some form, from restorative to
vigorous. If advancing age has
you nervous about gradually losing your
mind-has anyone been
spared that worry?-choose a practice
that engages your brain.
It's important that your practice be
essentially unproductive.
There may be an outcome-you finished
the puzzle-but there's
nothing produced. Because the moment
you think productively, you
leave the realm of the predictable and
the familiar. We're after
sameness here. You'll still have time in
the day and energy left over
for the stimulation of a project, which
meets different needs.
A practice is somewhat similar to a
hobby, the enjoyable leisure
time activity that you were supposed to
fit in between your hours
at work and hours spent on other
obligations, back in the day. With
one key difference-you want to keep the
emphasis on the process
rather than the outcome.
72
YOUR PRACTICE, YOUR PROJECTS
Georgia, age 72, is a professional
musician
who has played the
flute since she was very young, but
always with an eye to the next
audition or concert performance. In
retirement, she developed a
daily practice that was limited to pieces
she knew well and loved,
a kind of musical indulgence to start her
day.
Karen, age 67, recently retired as a
medical records specialist,
a job involving long commutes to and
from work. She mentioned
two conditions for a practice: that she
could do it without leaving
home and that she would find it calming.
Her first foray has been
to spend twenty minutes each morning
drinking her coffee and
working on a jigsaw puzzle, an activity
she has always enjoyed.
Mark and Jeffrey, both in their 70s, met
many years ago in their
local running club. Mark continues to
enjoy good health but Jeffrey
is coping with the consequences of a
diagnosis of Lyme disease.
After attending some stretch-and-
balance classes at their gym,
they designed a daily home practice
based on the same poses and
moves with an occasional gentle
exercise video from YouTube
for variety. Late morning works best for
Jeffrey.
Lee continues to take pleasure from a
practice he designed when
he first retired, ten years ago. In his
ritual, which takes a little
over a half hour, he makes breakfast.
Some elements are constant:
brewing the coffee, setting his place,
pouring the juice, toasting
the toast to just the right degree,
selecting the jam. One will always
be a work in progress: achieving the
perfect fried egg. He actually
enjoys the clean-up, completing a
succession of orderly tasks while
listening to a podcast.
It doesn't matter how long it takes to
practice your practice.
Fifteen minutes may suffice if you
choose something meditative
or cerebral or domestic. You'll need more
time if you go to a yoga
class or head to the driving range. Or
make Lee's breakfast.
Be sure to label your practice as your
practice, whether you
are talking to yourself or mentioning it to
someone else. Calling
YOUR PRACTICE, YOUR PROJECTS
something by a name makes it more
real, and you'll be more apt
to implement your plan. Telling another
person what you have in
mind also improves the odds that you will
follow through on your
intention.
After a while, you can tweak your
practice, even abandon it and
find another. But it's a good idea to have
a serious trial run before
making those changes.
When you come up with an idea,
imagine doing it, practicing
it over time-one week, two months,
maybe a year from now. If
that image appeals or even if you are
simply curious-just begin.
In the relatively unscripted, unscheduled
days of old age, your
practice serves as a buffer against
waking
up and having little or no
sense of what to do next. Some people
find that it is enough to sus-
tain them, along with the ordinary
business of maintenance-be it
taking care of the body or the home,
along with financial or family
responsibilities. They feel stable and
secure. Toss in some enter-
tainment, perhaps add some travel, and
they relish the freedom
from time pressures and the other
demands of their younger years.
Choosing a Project
But for many people, even a well-
conceived and reliable practice is
not enough to satisfy their interests or
their wish to matter or make
a difference in the world. They want
something more dynamic and
goal-oriented: a project.
The hallmarks of a project are creativity,
expansion, productiv-
ity-qualities that activate the imagination,
deepen knowledge,
facilitate accomplishment. Many people
give top priority to a pro-
ject that serves the needs of others.
Remember your first résumé with the line
at the top where
you described your ideal job? The
definition of your project is the
old-age equivalent. It may play on some
talents that you already
74
YOUR PRACTICE, YOUR PROJECTS
possess but put to a different use. It may
be a matter of combining
your existing skill set with gaining new
knowledge. Or it could
be a completely new venture, the kind
where people who know
you react in surprise-and no small
amount of envy-when they
hear what you're doing.
Parents and school teachers are familiar
with the notion that in
order to thrive, children need both roots
and wings. The same can
be said of older people. If a practice can
root you, a project can give
you wings: the chance to learn
something new, the freedom to cre-
ate in whatever medium you choose, the
opportunity to tackle a
challenge of any sort.
Your project can be stimulating or merely
engrossing. And while
your supply of energy (and your wallet)
may put some limits on
your ambitions, you are protected in any
endeavor by a no-fault
clause. You can "fail" and move on. Any
project in old age, how-
ever serious or frivolous, is an
experiment in determining what
suits your time and talent and
inclinations. You don't have to get it
right the first time. You don't have to get
it right at all.
Imagine some of the possibilities.
There's the learning category:
auditing college courses, brushing up on
a second language, attending
a lecture series, studying genealogy. The
good works category: vol-
unteer service of all kinds. The career-
extended category: part-time
worker, consultant, mentor. The arts and
crafts category, the sports
category, the cooking category. In all of
these, the choices are similar.
You can opt to refine or enhance the
skills
you already possess.
Or you can dare to try something new. If,
for example, you've
been doubtful but curious about the ways
modern technology
might enhance your old age, there's a lot
to explore.
Julia, just shy of her 79th birthday, was
coping with progressive
loss of her eyesight. A friend encouraged
her to buy a tablet that
would allow her to magnify pages, as
needed. The same friend
YOUR PRACTICE, YOUR PROJECTS
kindly offered tech support as Julia
learned how to use the device.
Her project has made it possible for her
to read the novels she loves.
Daniel is an octogenarian who proudly
lives independently, but
no longer drives. His daughter-in-law
Elisa
offered to drive him to
his medical appointments and to his
visits with family and friends.
He appreciated her offer but claimed he
didn't want to be that
I on her. When she suggested that he
use a ride service,
dependent
to the expense-until she asked him to
compare the
he objected
cost of these occasional expeditions with
the annual upkeep of his
own car in the past. It took a bit longer
for Daniel to admit to the
real obstacle: his unfamiliarity with the
ride service app on the
smartphone his family had insisted he
purchase a few years ago
"for his safety." They made it into a
project, Elisa coaching him
until he was an app expert.
Arthur is reluctant to reveal his age, but
I'm guessing he's in
his late 60s. He's tech-savvy, perfectly
conversant with all kinds
of devices and platforms. As a widower
nearing retirement, he's
quite aware of his potential for loneliness
once he leaves the
world of work. So his project is to
carefully research his options
for reaching out, staying connected
through social media or meet
up groups. Some friends have even
suggested online dating. He's
cautious, but willing to explore.
You may wonder how choosing a project
in old age differs from
signing up for any of the activities you've
engaged in over the
years. It's probably more deliberate-
you're
bringing that lifetime
of experience to the process-and there's
a matter of emphasis, of
making it your own.
For example, time was when your best
friend could pressure
you into spending some of your Saturday
afternoons helping out
with his favorite charity. Or perhaps your
own idealism or sense
of obligation propelled you into things
you just didn't enjoy. Now
75
76
YOUR PRACTICE, YOUR PROJECTS
that time is finite, spend that limited
resource on things that truly
appeal to you.
Then take the matter of responsibility.
When we're younger,
we're apt to be eager for responsibility.
That's where satisfaction,
not to mention authority, lies. In old age,
you need to think care-
fully do I have the energy or the
endurance to shoulder the
demands of this particular project? Do I
have the resilience to deal
with the inevitable frustrations and
disappointments that go with a
leadership role? Maybe yes. But don't be
afraid to say no.
Think about reclaiming a project from
your past. Travel your
own memory lane and see what you
discover. It could be a hobby
you discarded, designing electric train
layouts or baking bread. Or
a dream you deferred-perhaps improving
your Spanish or finish-
ing War and Peace
Or something entirely different.
Ellen, about to turn 70, wanted to
volunteer for a worthy cause.
Initially, she imagined a project that
would be global in context, or
at least national in its implications.
Imagine her surprise at learning
about a group of older citizens in her city
neighborhood who pick
up litter. Equipped with trash bags and
lifter tongs, they head out
together for an hour or so every morning,
scanning the sidewalks
in search of cigarette butts, soda cans,
and discarded carry-out con-
tainers. Sometimes they chat a bit,
sometimes not. Ellen loves this
very local project.
Also consider that you have old-person
privilege to pursue a
project of enduring significance, a
legacy.
You can write your own
memoir. You can scan family
photographs, assemble memorabilia
from generations past. You can create
an audio or video history by
interviewing other family members-
making sure that someone
interviews you. You can research and
document the history of your
town or your neighborhood or any other
subject of abiding interest
to you. These are all opportunities to
make a record of your own
YOUR PRACTICE, YOUR PROJECTS
life in the context of people, places, or
things that matter to you, a
record that will live
Why not?
on after you are gone. A bid for
immortality?
When you are older, time and energy are
not the renewable
resources that they once were. If you
don't have forever (and some
of your time is reserved for naps) it only
makes sense to choose your
entures wisely. Invest yourself-perhaps
with the same degree
of determination or enthusiasm you have
always mustered-but
Invest selectively.
It's appealing, this notion of choice. But it
may be a luxury you
can ill afford in your later years if you
bear responsibility for the
care of others. A spouse with a disabling
condition. Grandchildren
in need of supervision. A close friend
with no surviving family
members. If your life is defined by this
kind of commitment, con-
sider it your project. It's dynamic
because
it's ever-changing and
involves the creative use of a wide
variety of skills and aptitudes. It's
goal-oriented by definition: your purpose
is to improve the qual-
ity
of life of someone you love. The
entertainment quotient may
be low-we're not really looking for fun
here--but the sense that
what you do matters, that you are
making a difference, is profound.
Keep in mind, however, that you can't
keep giving out unless you
get something back in. Think about
finding some way to restore
yourself. Talk to others living similar
lives, whether you find them
at a support group or the neighborhood
bar. Try not to go it alone.
There's one more project to contemplate.
Taking care of your-
self. It's not so simple in old age. The
tasks of routine maintenance
multiply. Health issues become more
complex. Energy diminishes
and memory declines. To remain as
independent as possible, it
may well be that most-possibly all-of
your physical and emo-
tional resources need to be devoted to
the project of self-care.
This responsibility-taking care of yourself
in old age-is
self-centered in the best possible way. It
can give you a sense of
78
YOUR PRACTICE, YOUR PROJECTS
accomplishment and reinforce your
independence. You're still in
charge, to the best of your abilities. It's
safe to say you probably
never imagined that carrying out the
activities of daily living was
anything notable, let alone impressive.
You took it for granted that
you brushed your teeth, fixed breakfast,
took your vitamins. Now,
as you grow older, the minor and menial
details of life become
more prominent. They constitute your
infrastructure and they
deserve your attention. And respect.
Take some satisfaction from
accomplishing them.
Why This Matters
What are we after here, with these
notions of a practice and a
project? Why not simply wing it through
old age? After a lifetime
spent making plans and keeping to a
schedule, surely you deserve
to invent each day as you go along, if
that's what appeals. An end-
Jess vacation. Sort of.
But there's a universal need for structure
in our lives that we
can't afford to ignore. Whether you
welcome it or resent it, struc-
ture is essential. We all thrive by having
some order in our daily
life as a buttress against the confusion of
the world around us.
Think back again to early childhood.
Even the most relaxed parents
provide some organization for their small
child. Eating and sleep-
ing may be loosely regulated but they
aren't entirely haphazard
As time goes on, more strictures are
added until the child acquires
membership in a complex network of
customs and rules to live
by. In old age-here's the good part-you
can shed some of those
expectations or revise the governing
principles. You can organize
your days and weeks to suit yourself. But
the need for at least a
modicum of structure persists, and you
do well to honor it.
Whether you are developing a practice
or pursuing a pro-
ject, these initiatives serve another vital
purpose. They represent
maintaining
some control of
YOUR PRACTICE, YOUR PROJECTS
your life at the very time that so
geo-
power
much-let's face it-is beyond your control.
The vicissitudes of
health, the vagaries of family life, the
very
complexity of the g
political and socioeconomic worlds we
live in-how much p
do you actually have to influence these
spheres? It makes good
sense to make your small corner of the
universe as pleasing or
satisfying as possible, within the limits of
your circumstances. You
know who you are and what you care
about. You can be deliber-
ate in channeling your emotions,
allocating your energy, directing
your behavior. Older, wiser.
10
MOVING. OR NOT.
On any list of life's Top Ten Stressful
Events, making a move to a
new location ranks high. Does anyone
ever exclaim with delight,
"Here comes the moving van!"? Not
likely. An absence of enthu-
siasm is understandable, given the
combination of difficult deci-
sion-making and the complicated
logistics involved in relocating
yourself (and possibly other people), as
well as furniture, plants,
and pets.
All moves share some common
characteristics, but a move in
later life is endowed with its own
distinctive qualities. It's harder
to
o manage the physical demands of a
move when your strength is
a bit
compromised or your energy flags by
mid-afternoon; it's not
82
MOVING. OR NOT.
easy to stay on top of the details if your
best multi-tasking days are
behind you.
you
When you were younger, you could
settle somewhere for a few
months-even years and conclude, "I'm
not loving this." It may
have been relatively easy, when you
were quite mobile and your
requirements somewhat flexible, to move
on. As you grow older,
there are more constraints, some
practical and some emotional. If
you've lived in one place for a long time,
it's all that much harder
to leave it behind. Most profoundly, there
is a feeling a fear-that
a particular move could be the last one
you make, to the last place
live on this planet. It takes courage to
face that possibility.
But unless you are a true nomad, you
need a home. And here's
an opportunity to bring your self-
awareness into play, coupled with
constructive research into the various
options for living comfortably
as you grow older. Knowing yourself so
well allows you to judge
the alternatives against your own needs
and wishes; your research
gives you vital information about the
possibilities. Add to this mix
a candid appraisal of your current
physical condition, along with
any projection you are able to make
about your health in the future.
A reasonable formula for that prediction
might involve two parts
realism-based on your here-and-now
data
and one part hope.
Many-perhaps most-older women and
men would prefer to
"age in place," staying in their familiar
home environment as long as
possible. In other cultures and eras, this
was the norm. Your family
or your tribe or your village was
committed to sheltering and caring
for its older generation. In the Western
world in the 21st century, not
so much.
You can age in place, wherever you
desire, if you have the finan-
cial resources to maintain your home
and hire the help you may
need in the coming years. Absent such
riches, you can age in place
if you are endowed with a different kind
of wealth-a family with
enough members, energy, and
commitment to support you when
community sponsors
MOVING. OR NOT.
83
you need it. And you may be able to stay
where you are if your
mission is to facilitate aging in place with
the help of volunteer
networks. Or if you're willing to consider
sharing your space with
a bousemate or roommate.
Arrangements can vary from the sim-
ple expedient of dividing expenses and
chores to an exchange that
one of the burgeoning organizations
whose
involves caregiving responsibilities.
One variation on aging in place involves
moving from your
present living situation and downsizing to
smaller quarters in the
same city or town, hoping to live out your
years in a more com-
pact new home. You'll probably have to
face parting company with
some of your possessions, which is no
small feat. (We'll look at
how to do it in the next chapter.) You'll
need to say goodbye to
neighbors; you may stay in touch but it
won't be the same. You'll
need to let go of your fond associations
to a particular tree or view
from a kitchen window. You'll be bringing
closure to the history
made in that place.
The plot thickens, if you consider moving
to an entirely new
locale. You'll want to pay attention to all
the relevant trade-offs.
The known versus the somewhat-
unknown or just-plain-unknown.
The loss of a familiar environment versus
the adventure of some-
place new. Separation from friends and
acquaintances versus the
opportunity to make new connections.
You'll need to do more research if the
prospect of a retirement
home or continuing care retirement
community has any appeal.
You'll want to read up on the different
levels of care offered in
these institutions, the entrance
requirements, and the financial
arrangements. If at all possible, make an
in-person visit; some
retirement communities offer an
overnight stay as a way for you to
meet residents and scope out the
territory.
Again, the trade-offs. Contemplate the
loss of complete con-
trol over your living situation versus
being dependent on others.
84
MOVING, OR NOT.
Autonomy versus collaboration. Freedom
versus security. Of course
the contrasts aren't quite so stark, but
you get the idea.
A word about other influences. Grown
children head the list.
They are often the catalysts for moving
you to a haven, typically
some sort of congregate living facility
near them that they think of
as safer or more secure than your
current home. You may concur,
or at least be willing to accede to their
wishes if it spares
anxiety over your welfare. Close friends
may exert pressure as well
Perhaps they are optimistically headed
to some sort of supported liv
ing venue themselves, or they picture
such
places as highly undesir
able. It's like the decision to retire: listen
all you want, but be guided
by your own instincts.
If you are favored with good health and
adequate energy, you
can choose another way to live closer to
your offspring by estab
lishing your own home not far away from
them. This option offers
the potential for more daily involvement
and caretaking, as needed.
But there are important issues to
consider. Can you count on your
grown child (or children) not to relocate,
once you have moved
to be closer? How much time together do
you both anticipate?
How do your other adult children feel
about your proximity to the
chosen one? What role do you want to
play
with grandchildren?
Whatever your concerns, a frank
exchange about expectations will
improve the odds that this scenario will
end up serving the best
interests of all involved.
No Simple Chart
There's no simple chart to help you make
this decision, but there
are a few cautions to keep in mind.
First, identify the pluses and minuses,
pros and cons, to making
any change in your living situation. That
old standby, the two-
column list, is useful here. Even if you're
not a habitual list-maker,
MOVING OR NOT.
make one now, with "make a move" on
one side and "stay put on
the other. Draw a horizontal line through
each column, in the mid-
dle of the page. Above the line, enter the
benefits of each option;
below the line note the downsides.
Rather than adding up to some
kind of score, the goal is to use your
imagination and anticipate all
of the variables as best you can.
Christopher, a 79-year old widower, was
thinking about relocating
as his upcoming milestone birthday
approached. Under the "make a
move" heading, he wrote some potential
benefits: a fresh start after
his recent loss, freedom from the never-
ending demands of repairs
and maintenance that his older home
required, the possibility of
e walking and less driving if he found the
right neighborhood.
On the downside, apart from the obvious
effort of relocation, he
faced the reality of that fresh start: that
he would give up the famili-
arity and the treasured associations to
his late wife that his present
more
home represented.
When he listed reasons to "stay put," the
emotional attachment
to his current surroundings ranked high
as a benefit. On the other
band, he could imagine the downside.
He could picture himself
in a kind of limbo, not reaching out to
connect socially or involve
himself in new activities.
Christopher's conclusion was to wait
another year before mak-
ing this decision. He saw the value of
taking this approach to his
dilemma, to gain more clarity about both
sides of the issue. In
particular, he is motivated to make use of
the insight about living
alone. He is actively looking for times
and places to interact with
other people, a hedge against loneliness.
Annette and Roland, both in their early
70s, are a classic exam-
ple of a couple who disagree about
moving. Or not. Annette is
determined to take what she views as a
last chance to furnish and
decorate a home in a style that pleases
her. Roland, a creature of
habit by his own admission, can't
imagine altering his domestic
85
86
MOVING. OR NOT.
patterns no matter how lovely the
surroundings-he knows where
the coffee is stored in the kitchen, how
carefully the dishwasher
must be loaded to avoid mishap, where
his keys are kept by the
front door. And it's not all about Roland.
He firmly believes that
their aging dog Lola will also suffer from
any change in routine.
Neither partner was enthusiastic about
making a list of their
concerns, but they were willing to do it.
Annette initially balked
edged the value of continuing to live in
the house that her two
at coming up with any benefit to "staying
put," but she acknowl-
grandchildren thought of as their second
home. Plus, she could
consider a bathroom renovation that
would be aging-appropriate,
and various other upgrades to satisfy her
inner interior designer.
Roland was similarly resistant to finding
anything positive about
"making a move," unless they found
something close to their off.
spring, with much less grass to mow.
The couple is continuing the
conversation as they search real
estate listings on the internet. They are
making progress. Roland
no longer sighs heavily at the mere
mention of moving. For the
first time, Annette has accepted-without
criticizing-the reasons
for his reluctance. If they make a move,
she vows to be actively
involved in helping Roland re-establish
his routines, especially
those that include Lola.
If you are inclined to relocate, you might
think of it as trading
in one batch of nuisances or frustrations
for another, rather than
fantasizing that you're headed to heaven
on earth. There may be
some obvious gains-such as no more
snow shoveling in warmer
climes. You could be so tired of the devil
you know that you're
willing to take a chance on the one you
don't know. Your finances
or your health-or both-may make a
persuasive argument in
favor of change. But there's also a good
chance that the decision
will not be doubt-free. It makes sense to
recognize that. Besides,
with your lifetime of experience, you can
handle it.
MOVING. OR NOT.
A word about that lifetime. Over the
years, you've accumulated
all kinds of imagery about old people and
their environments,
much of it negative. You can do a slide
show in your mind of your
frail great-aunt alone in the deteriorating
apartment she wouldn't
leave, and that never-forgotten visit to a
nursing home where
there were bad smells in the hallways.
We all have a store of these
impressions, which can't be excised but
need to be taken for what
they are: understandable reactions of
your youthful self confront-
ing some shocking aspects of aging in
undesirable conditions.
At any age, a variety of prejudices can
interfere in the process of
figuring out how to live as you grow
older. They are all different
versions of an internalized bias against
aging. You'll want to review
your own. Maybe you sympathize with
Madelyn. Recovering from
a minor stroke at age 85, she withdrew
her application to move to
a retirement home because she saw "too
many residents on walk-
ers" when she went for an interview. Or
with Daniel, who-as
you may remember from the previous
chapter-received a kind
offer from his daughter-in-law Elisa to
drive him to his doctors'
appointments. Initially he rejected her
offer in an understandable
but misguided effort to assert his
independence as long as pos
sible. Madelyn and Daniel had this in
common: neither wanted
to identify themselves as "old," despite
the evidence. They were
determined to maintain their denial,
ignoring the risks to their
health and well-being
When facing the decision to move-or-
not-move, you'll want to
examine your preconceptions in order to
minimize their influence
over your problem-solving. Even if your
instinct is to hold them
fast, now is the time to rethink any overly
sentimental or patently
unrealistic beliefs: "I refuse to live
someplace where everyone is
the same age," "I've always enjoyed
good health and I don't see
why that would change," "It's too hard to
make new friends," "I
can't stand the thought of some stranger
living in my house." These
89
88
MOVING. OR NOT.
are common examples of self-defeating
attitudes. You may want to
add one of your own.
Another resource for your decision-
making involves reviewing
the relocations in your past. There's
likely to be relevant material.
In addition to recalling the specifics-
where and when-how did
you feel? What helped you make the
move, emotionally or logisti-
cally? How did you adjust afterward?
How would you arrange a
relocation differently, if you decide to do
it again?
Timing matters. If you've started to think
about making a move,
keep thinking. You need some lead time
to do your research and
check out the options against your own
priorities. You need even
more time if you are selling and/or
buying property, in the locale
where you live or somewhere new. If a
retirement community is
your destination, add in some waiting
time for a desirable unit to
become available.
Most important, you're getting older,
Make the change while
you still have the capacity to manage
various challenges. Physically,
it's hard to let go of that image of your
youthful self packing heavy
boxes and hoisting them effortlessly,
then driving an overloaded
van hundreds of miles to the new
location, all in 24 hours. Respect
your older body and its limits. You'll also
need the adaptability to
handle the logistics. If your heart and
mind are open to new expe-
riences, so much the better.
Coming Full Circle
You are coming full circle. When you
were a baby, your immediate
world was very small-but it was big
enough for you. You were
warm and snug. As you grew, you left
your cocoon and went forth
to explore. Making a home was less
compelling than having a life
Perhaps you stuffed all of your
belongings in a backpack and hi
the open road. As you grew older, your
priorities shifted, and you
MOVING, OR NOT.
settled down. Soon you needed a home,
a home big enough to hold
people and possessions. Maybe you
expanded even further-more
bedrooms, a bigger backyard.
Now you're moving in the other direction.
You may be wide-
ranging in your interests and global in
your outlook and that's
admirable. But you don't need to occupy
as much of the planet
as you once thought you did. For some
people, simplicity itself is
a value, and they enjoy edging closer to
that ideal. For others, it's
more a matter of casting off some of the
responsibility for home
maintenance and management. What
was once attractive or seemed
necessary in terms of scope and scale
has lost its charm.
argument
Think about what you actually need in
terms of physical space
and what seems essential in your
surroundings. Maybe that's an
for staying in place. If it's not, identify the
alternatives
and choose what's best-"best" as
shorthand for appealing and
realistic in reasonable proportions-for
you.
Be aware that significant grieving is likely
to accompany the pro-
cess of making a change in where you
live. It's not unlike the retire-
ment decision, when you depart from a
familiar space and place. It's
similar in that you need to make the
change in your life explicit, by
calling up the memories, naming the
losses, sharing your ambiva-
lent feelings with people who will listen
sympathetically.
Even if you've taken dozens of
photographs in your home, now's
the time to take more. Focus this album
on
the place and its sur-
roundings, the interior and the exterior.
Think about Marjorie and
Sam, an older couple in their late 70s
who treasured the dining
room cabinets they designed and
installed themselves, decades ear-
lier. Several years after leaving that
home, they still look at their
pictures of those cabinets with a little
sadness and a great deal of
pride. Which especially comfortable
corner or pleasing arrange-
ment on a built-in bookshelf would you
most like to document?
Maybe, ruefully, that dent in the wall that
never got repaired? Of
go
MOVING. OR NOT.
course you'll take a photo of the door
frame if it has pencil marks
charting the heights of children or
grandchildren
as they grew up.
In another parallel to departure from a
workplace, consider
some kind of farewell to this home,
recognizing the good times--
and, perhaps, the not so good-with
people who have shared in
your history there. It can be a simple
gathering for morning coffee
or something more lavish and
celebratory. The point is to mark the
occasion of the ending of your tenure in
that place. By honoring
your attachment to your old home, you
open the door to
well in the next one.
living
If you expect to stay where you are, you
can shift your focus
to planning sensible modifications of
your living quarters. Grab
important phone numbers easily
available. Consider signing up for
bars in the shower, good task lighting,
functional smoke detectors,
a medical alert system that notifies the
fire department or someone
you designate in case of emergency.
Moving or not moving, make the decision
deliberately and
develop a plan to implement it, task by
task. Let yourself admit
to the feelings that go with this life
transition, your own emo-
tional mixture of apprehension and
anticipation. Trust your own
instincts and abilities, and ask for help
when you need it. It's a puz-
zle with many parts, this question of
where
to live as you advance
in years. But you can bring your self-
awareness and life experience
to bear on solving it. Older, wiser.
11
LIGHTEN UP
Household items... clothes... sports
equipment... collections
of all kinds. As you've grown older, have
you occasionally felt
burdened by the sheer number of objects
in your possession?
Tired of keeping track of them or dusting
them or wondering
how to arrange them or store them? If
so, you may be the ideal
candidate for lightening up, a slow but
steady effort to say good-
bye to some of your worldly goods.
The project may be intimidating-it's hard
work-but you can
imagine the reward. You're almost ready
to edit your holdings, dis-
tributing some things around the world
and just plain disposing
of others. You look forward to the
simplicity of caring for fewer
things. As Susan, approaching her 70th
birthday, explained in, "I feel
92
LIGHTEN UP
like I'm living in a museum to my past.
This museum needs a cura-
tor, someone to deaccession a few of the
holdings. I guess it's me"
But for so many older people, this
prospect is hard to envision,
let alone attempt. They might prefer to
identify with the ancient
Egyptians who filled their tombs with all
kinds of beloved objects,
along with food and drink for the afterlife.
No need for them to
downsize. But in this life, if you anticipate
a move from a house to an
apartment or a retirement community, or
cohabitation with a rela-
tive or friend, your space will shrink. Put
simply, your stuff won't fit.
Theodore and Anna, now in their late
50s, entered the Foreign
Service when they were only in their 20s.
After dozens of relocations
around the world, they know how to do it
well. When asked if they
had any advice for older people facing
moves, here's Ted's
response:
Our approach works for folks of any age.
It's not so much about
the packing, but about the unpacking.
Ask yourself, "How will
feel when I unwrap this object in my new
space?" If you anticipate
greeting an old friend, the item qualifies
for the move. If you groan
inwardly and wonder why you dragged a
dozen empty jam jars-
you gave up canning long ago-to a new
destination, give yourself
permission to bid them goodbye.
many
of the
Of course it's a challenge when you care
deeply about
items in your personal inventory, whether
they are a testament to
the hard work that earned them or to the
good taste that acquired
them or to the relationship that provided
them. They're a security
blanket. It's natural to want to hold on to
what you've accumulated.
The prospect of loosening your grip
makes you anxious. It feels
like letting go of the life you've led, in bits
and pieces. Parting
a Monopoly game with
with books... outgrown children's toys
missing pieces... your grandparents'
National Geographic magazines
... and that crockpot you bought but
never used.
....
LIGHTEN UP
A word about that security blanket. You
may be someone who
feels most confident and content when
surrounded by many objects
in your personal space. You don't mind
what others might call clut-
ter. In fact, the sheer number of things
and their crowded disarray
feels normal to you. If you're motivated-
for
any reason to rear-
range and edit and part with some of
these possessions, that's fine.
If your storehouse of goods poses any
hazard to your health or risk
to your well-being, even better. But keep
in mind that only positive
reinforcement is helpful when we attempt
to change the status quo
of our collections, our stash of things.
Negative labels"pack rat"
or "hoarder"-inhibit our momentum when
we're facing a chal-
lenge with this degree of emotional
difficulty. We need our efforts
recognized, some affirmation that we're
making progress, one box
or drawer at a time. If no one else can
deliver that message, be sure
to deliver it yourself.
It's possible that the prospect of a less-
encumbered life is intrigu-
ing to you. More likely, it is fast becoming
desirable and even a
necessity as you grow older. In either
case, let's take a look at the
practical process of lightening up.
You're not going to make any big
decisions, not yet. But you
do have to start by choosing your first
category-books, kitchen
items, clothes, tools, whatever-for
thoughtful consideration.
Gather as many of these related items
as you wish and assemble
them in one place. Depending on the
size of your inventory, it
could be a table or a floor where there's
not much foot traffic.
Once you select your space, you'll need
to find a way to divide it
into three sections. Then create a label
for
each one: Discards, Find
New Homes, and Keep No Matter What.
After you tape or prop up these
signs in your staging area, take a break.
In the next phase, you ponder the future
of your possessions and
place them, one by one, in the most
appropriate section. Maybe
you're looking at something that has
outlived its useful life-might
94
LIGHTEN UP
it be eligible for the Discards pile?
Sometimes a worn-out T-shirt is
destined to be a rag or a badly chipped
mug deserves to be tossed,
But not without honor.
Reflect for a moment and thank the
object-however silly that
may seem-for its service to you over the
years. Thanks to the
silk-screened shirt our high school class
wore at our 25th reunion!
Thanks for all those 6 a.m. cups of
coffee! This ritual of express-
ing gratitude applies whenever you
intend to part company with
an object, not just the relatively few
things that are headed to the
trash. It's a little bit of life review, pausing
to remember the people
or place or circumstance with which the
item is associated. Say it
out loud, softly if you wish: Thank you.
Roger had collected baseball caps for
many years. They didn't
take up a lot of room and he figured he
could store them on the
top shelf of one of the closets in the
retirement home to which he
would move in a few months. He
reconsidered:
I got to thinking. For one thing, I knew I
wasn't going to be able to
reach that shelf easily. So they would sit
there. I decided to spend
time with each one and then figure out
what to do. Great baseball
memories! Like the games I went to with
my father when I was a
boy. The team my best friend and I
rooted for despite their losing
performance, season after season, until
we gave up. And there's our
city's winning team right now, I'm such a
fan, I have three of their
caps in different colors.
I chose two favorites to go with me in my
move. I put the rest
in a bag. This spring I am going to take
them to the Little League
practice near me and see if those kids
would have fun with them.
Let's develop some guidelines for this
project. You could set a timer
for 30 minutes. You could set a quota for
the day, promising to
deal with five objects and renewing that
commitment each day
LIGHTEN UP
95
until you are done. The main point is to
give this enterprise some
structure. The variations are for you to
design.
Assembling and sorting and determining
the future of your per-
sonal belongings isn't easy work, so feel
free to experiment. Maybe 30
minutes is too much and you need to
keep it to 15. Maybe the daily
quota should be a minimum of three
items and a maximum of five.
Keep in mind that this effort is
emotionally stressful. Be kind to
yourself. It's much better to proceed
slowly rather than trying to
plow through, only to find that you can't
sustain the pace and that
you and your possessions have arrived
at an unfriendly impasse.
Now let's tackle the more complicated
choices. Most of us live
life surrounded by things in perfectly
good condition. We just
don't really need them. And we don't
always have room for them
as we grow older, whether that's
psychological or practical. We
need to Find New Homes for them.
Home-finding is really recycling, although
not in the original
sense of composting or repurposing or
providing the raw material
for some new industrial use. This is
personal recycling in which
we have an opportunity to choose the
new owner of something
we've cared about.
After reflecting on-and honoring your
past association or
history with an object, focus on selecting
someone who would
make good use of it or simply enjoy it.
Finding the framed poster
a new home is just as worthwhile as
keeping it out of the landfill.
If you have friends or family members
who might appreciate
some of your belongings, start on the
process of passing things
around. You may feel a sense of
satisfaction, albeit poignant, when
a beloved possession finds a new life in
a younger person's home.
Fred and Dorothea, both in their late 60s,
bypassed their nephew's
online wedding registry and offered the
bride and groom a favorite
piece from their pottery collection:
96
LIGHTEN UP
It was a little hard to let go of that bowl
we bought years ago on a trip
to California. We actually used it as a
mixing bowl when we didn't
have much kitchen equipment. It
survived that phase, and later we
gave it more status as a salad bowl
when we had company over.
When we wrapped it up, we included a
note to Kevin and his fiancée,
explaining all of this. They sent us a
sweet reply, said they hoped we
would come for dinner after the wedding
and see it on their table.
Many older people have more objects to
deaccession than they have
family, friends, or acquaintances. You
can sell things on eBay or Craig's
List. You can give things away to
organizations that sponsor thrift shops
or distribute household objects to people
in need. You can donate things
to charity events. Books can go to the
local library book sale. If you're
lucky enough to live in a locale that
sponsors freecycling, you can post
a notice online that your still-in-good-
condition camping equipment
among the
is available and then choose the lucky
recipient from
eager responses. No money changes
hands, just good will.
Keep No Matter What sounds obvious
these are the belongings
you can't bear to part with. If you have
room in your life for all
of them, how fortunate! You've taken a
good look at the stuff-of-
many-decades and selected what really
matters to you; you have
the space to arrange or store them.
many
If you're not that fortunate, proceed with
caution. Take as much
time as possible to reconsider the status
of any apple-of-your-eye
object. Recall how much it has meant to
you, possibly for many
holds, whether it reminds you
years. Reconstruct the memories
of your favorite high school teacher or
your first love or that big
find
you
promotion. And if circumstances
eventually require that
the object a new home, take a photo of it
before you part company.
That image and your memories are
yours to keep..
If all of this seems overwhelming,
consider enlisting a compan
ion in the process. It may feel better to
have someone else around as
you make these decisions about things
that have so much meaning
LIGHTEN UP
97
for you. If you're unwilling to draft a
helper, or if it's impractical,
at least turn on the TV or play some
good music for company while
you work,
After she retired from her career as a tax
accountant, Rachel, age
67, thought about moving. She wanted to
live closer to her sister,
find new activities, and enjoy a warmer
climate. She had plenty of
available time and energy; the financial
aspects of settling in the
new location were favorable. But there
was no way she could put
her townhouse on the market in its
present condition. The base-
ment was filled with items she had
stored, not only the china and
keepsakes she had inherited from her
parents, but also the boxes
she had never completely unpacked
from her last move ten years
ago.
Rachel was familiar with the provocative
approach to declut
tering in which you take stock of your
belongings and discard
anything that fails to make you feel
joyful. She envied people for
whom that might be effective, but knew
she needed a different
strategy. She succeeded at the first step,
marking her staging area.
At that point she faltered. She balked at
the thought of dragging
the heavy boxes upstairs by herself; she
also realized that the scope
of the project-a lonely enterprise-was
greater than previously
imagined.
Rachel knew a high school student who
mowed lawns in the
summer. He was eager to earn some
extra money and in a few
hours made short work of lifting and
transporting the boxes
upstairs. Thinking of someone to keep
her company and encourage
her wasn't as easy, until she
remembered two co-workers who said
how much they would miss her and
urged her to keep in touch
after the retirement party:
I wasn't sure that helping me downsize
was what they had in mind,
but I reached out. Their response was
positive, and the two of them
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LIGHTEN UP
took turns on Saturday afternoons over
the next two months. We
shared work gossip first and then they let
me go back to my tasks.
One helper turned on the TV to watch
football; the other used the
time to catch up on email. I didn't need
assistance with the specif.
ics of my project, but I was extremely
grateful for the presence of
other people. I felt less alone.
The decision-making-whether it takes
hours, days, or weeks-is
the hardest part of lightening up. Now
you can shift gears and
focus on the disposal of the Discards
and the implementation of Fine
New Homes. Timing is important.
With the Discards, be decisive. Put those
items in the trash or the
recycling bin or whatever option your
community provides. Keep
in mind that you've already thought this
through; no need to go
back to Square One after such deliberate
consideration.
With the Find New Homes, give yourself
some leeway to track
down the appropriate recipients, be they
individuals or organiza-
tions, and time to arrange or make the
delivery but not so much
time that you waffle and slip the items
back into your closet. Roger
put those baseball caps in a bag marked
To Little League Next April so he
wouldn't forget his plan. Rachel decided
to contribute some of her
parents' household goods to an agency
sponsoring halfway houses
for women newly released from prison.
One of her former work-
mates offered to help, and they made a
date for the drop-off.
When you've done a good job-which is to
say thorough-with
one category, give yourself credit. It's
well deserved, even if this
effort is not the kind of accomplishment
that the world is apt to
recognize, let alone applaud. Then move
on to the next category,
those half-empty paint cans or holiday
decorations.
As always, remember to say goodbye.
Express your appreciation
to your worldly goods and wish them well
in their next life-
whatever and wherever that may be.
12
DO LESS. BE MORE.
Let's pause here and revive that old joke
about the human "doing"
versus the human "being." Aging brings
this distinction into focus.
Our circumstances inner and outer-
gradually dictate a shift away
from the sometimes frenetic activity, the
busyness, of youth and
middle age.
You may think of this transition as a loss,
or perhaps a caval-
cade of losses. You're not hitting the
ground running; you may not
even feel like getting out of bed first thing
in the morning. Your
calendar isn't chock-a-block with notes
on where you need to be
or what you need to do; your
commitments are fewer and farther
between. Your adrenalin isn't pumping
with the old intensity;
no need to raise your blood pressure
when there's ample time
DO LESS, BE MORE.
for whatever the day brings. There's an
obvious risk inherent in
these changes, that you interpret this
new mode as your failure
to measure up to an old standard of
achievement. You may feel it
as a kind of passivity, laced with
disappointment.
The reality is that you've lived long
enough to explore your
state of being, even if you've never been
much for introspec-
tion-let alone contemplation. Now you're
given an opportunity.
Back in the day, some of us were
captivated by the exhortation
to "trust the process." Maybe you're
finally ready to go down
paths where the outcome is uncertain or
unimportant, where the
journey itself is the reward. It's still your
"one wild and precious
life," as the poet Mary Oliver tells us;
only the nature of the pos-
sibilities has been transformed.
Contemplation sounds so simple, as the
dictionary defines it:
"to think profoundly and at length." And
yet
it was so elusive-or
difficult, bordering on impossible for
many of us when we were
younger. The good news is that old age
is the perfect time to revisit
that contem-
the possibility of contemplation. You
could even say
plation is the special province and
privilege of old age.
For one thing, you have the time for it.
On a daily basis, you
probably have more time as you
withdraw from managing multi-
ple demands and responsibilities and
begin to simplify your life,
at least a little. Life experience is
relevant, too. You can reminisce
selectively, recalling the best times,
replaying scenes from long ago.
Nostalgia has a bad reputation as
sentimental indulgence when it
is really a wistful appreciation of your
past. Mortality may play a
part, too, if you face the eventual ending
of life as you know it and
are inclined to ponder what may or may
not lie beyond. Taken
together, these elements create the right
circumstances for late-in-
life reflection.
Breath is another dimension that
deserves attention as you grow
older. For much of our lives, we took our
breathing for granted,
DO LESS. BE MORE.
inhaling and exhaling without giving it
much, if any, thought.
Unless you had a medical condition that
affected your respiration,
or
performed
as a concert singer, or monitored your
lung capacity
as an elite athlete, you didn't pay much
attention to the constant in-
and-out of your breath.
But breathing is a natural talent, a
lifelong gift whether we
appreciate it or not. When we become
more consciously aware of
our breath, we can use it to our
advantage. It's a vital source of
information. "When I realized I was
breathing so shallowly, I knew
how much stress I was under." "I was
almost out of breath, rushing
to fit one more appointment into my day."
"I guess I had been hold-
ing my breath, waiting to get the test
results." You may enjoy a new
sense of control over your body as you
experiment with regulating
this remarkable resource, your personal
flow of air.
Restoratives for the Mind
101
Contemplation may sound ethereal, but it
really grounds you in
the here and now. It's almost a
restorative for the mind the mind
that has been so busy, perhaps so
driven, for so long "Mind," you
might say, "just hang out. Don't go
anywhere in particular, just
drift." If you prefer to mull something
specific, that's fine, too, but
make sure no PowerPoint slide or must-
do ticklist emerges out of
the silence.
There is one caution to observe. If your
attempt at contempla-
tion takes you into the past and you find
yourself recycling your
regrets and your errors-that's not
contemplation; it's obsessing.
And obsessing serves absolutely no
purpose; the only recourse is to
cease and desist. You may be someone
who does best with contem-
plation of something outside yourself:
dew on the leaf of a plant, a
Bach concerto, or replays in your mind's
eye of your favorite team's
recent win. For some people, movement
makes it easier. You can
102 DO LESS. BE MORE.
walk or ride or swim while contemplating.
Just don't drift too far
into the next lane.
When you were younger, you may have
explored the world
eagerly, ranging far and wide around the
globe. Or, possibly, your
idea of a big trip was the two-hour drive
to your cousin's house.
Whatever your roaming style, advancing
age may inhibit that pre-
viously enjoyed ease of travel. You can
blame your body's quirks,
your available energy, your bank
account-or all of the above
Contemplation offers you another
version of travel, revisiting
adventures of your past with no ticket
required. In this variation,
you call up memories from your stash of
images. That first time
you left home, took a train, flew in a
plane. The scenery you saw,
the people you met along the way.
Remember something you
did for the first-perhaps the only-time in
your life. Remember
something you ate. Remember your
effort
to communicate in
another language, and smile at your
attempt.
Since childhood, Sonja had spent nearly
all of her vacations at
a family cottage on a northern lake. At
age 74, her mobility was
compromised, to the extent that getting
there was increasingly dif
ficult. Friends knew it was a loss for her
and sympathized. But she
assured them, "I go there every day."
She did indeed, in her mind.
She had mastered the art of
reminiscence.
You're contemplative when you don't
rush to judgment on some
pressing matter but let it rest unsolved in
your mind for some
moments-maybe a whole afternoon-
before taking action. You're
contemplative when you come upon an
image or scene that pleases
you and you let it become a screensaver
for your mind. You're con-
templative when you let a piece of
chocolate melt in your mouth
for several minutes, savoring the taste
before you reach for another.
You're contemplative when you take time
washing your hands and
notice how the soap bubbles. You're
contemplative when you slow
down, soften your gaze, hum a tune.
DO LESS. BE MORE.
103
Meditation is another form of reflection,
akin to contemplation
but more purposeful, less free-form.
Some people meditate to clear
the mind of its detritus, seeking to
achieve a state of relaxation
and calm. Some people meditate in
pursuit
of a spiritual goal, be
it contact with a higher power or worship
of a divine presence.
While you need only to give yourself
permission to indulge in con-
templation, meditation requires some
discipline or diligence. It's a
practice requiring practice. While some
long-time meditators can
travel beyond the conscious mind with
no guideposts for the jour-
ney, most people need a bit more
structure, some kind of format.
There's sitting meditation, in which you
make yourself comfort-
able in a chair or on a cushion, close
your eyes, and devote your
attention to your breath. Inhale and
exhale consciously, slowing
down from the rhythm of daily life. You
may accompany the breath
with words that appeal to you, one for
the in-breath and one for the
out-breath. Or choose a mantra, which
just means a short phrase
that you repeat over and over. Some
experimentation is essential. It
can take a few tries, rejecting the
mantras that serve only to further
stimulate your thoughts until you settle
on one that is soothing.
The time frame for your meditation is
also a work in progress.
You might set a timer so you don't have
to pay attention to the
clock. You could aim to sit for three
minutes at the start and extend
the time as you develop this skill.
Because, as I said, it's a practice
requiring practice. (We'll visit this topic
again in Chapter 14.)
In walking meditation, a slow and gentle
pace helps to calm
the mind. It's important to choose a
destination in advance, along
a route that is easy to follow and as
much as possible-free of
obstacles. This is a walk, not a hike, and
it's a walk that's an end in
itself rather than a means to arrive
somewhere. In sitting medita-
tion, you maintain a steady awareness of
your breath. In walking
meditation, you pay close attention to
your locomotion, step by
step. And in place of repeating words or
a phrase, observe your
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DO LESS. BE MORE
surroundings. You are the lens of a
camera, recording what
see as you pass by.
you
If you're not so mobile, there's a variation
on walking medita.
tion worth trying. Visualize yourself on a
moving runway the
sort you find in big airports, only better.
Let that runway glide
gently and smoothly under you, in your
imagination, and pretend
that you are walking. Breathe
consciously as you "walk," slowing
down as you approach the end of your
"runway."
There's another kind of meditation that
requires no physical
effort. Listening meditation is just what
the name implies. Make
yourself comfortable and set that timer
for a few minutes. Close
your eyes. Then tune in to all the sounds
around you, whatever
they may be. It can seem counterintuitive
if you've always believed
that meditation meant ignoring all
distractions. Now you wel-
come the thrum of the air conditioner, the
babble on the street,
the thwock of your dog's tail. The buzz of
your smartphone, even
though you've set it on Silent. (Don't pick
up.) Simply listen and
savor the respite from your thoughts.
The Present Moment
What does meditation offer as you age?
At the very least, it's a
way to live in the present moment,
offering a time out from daily
cares and woes. It can provide diversion
and even some relief for
those suffering from persistent physical
discomfort or pain. And
for those who seek it, meditation is a
pathway to a spiritual realm.
How do you learn to meditate? Time was
when you had to sign
for a course, read a book, or seek a
guru. Now technology eases
the process with apps that guide and
encourage you. You can tune
in to a soothing voice and, over time,
learn to tune out any inter-
ruptions that break the spell. You may be
surprised by how well
you can calm your mind and rest your
body in only a few minutes
up
DO LESS. BE MORE.
a day. It's not the holy grail of
enlightenment that you're after-just
some tranquil moments in time.
Those moments matter. As his 90th
birthday approached,
Dwight said sadly, "I have no future, only
my past." He was right,
in an actuarial way, that his future is
limited. He was correct in
owning his
past, a past that is rich with ambitions
realized-albeit
with some dreams deferred. But he
missed an important point. He
has the here and now, the present
moment.
When your focus is the here and now,
whether you contemn-
plate or meditate you are practicing
mindfulness-an attitude of
acceptance of the thoughts, feelings, or
bodily sensations that arise
when you are in a reflective mode or
mood. Mindfulness is attrac
tive to the middle-aged as well as
millennials, but old age brings
an amplitude of time and experience that
can inform your explo-
ration of these states of non-doing and
give them depth. Maybe
you're seeking stillness, living and
breathing gently in the present
moment. Maybe your quest is to discover
some truth about the
cosmos and your place in it. Maybe you
just need to relax.
When we were younger, Nike exhorted
us to "Just Do It." And
we did, over and over, striving and
sometimes making our marks.
But as you grow older, the balance may
shift. Take time to experi-
ment and see how it feels, when you
give yourself permission to
do less. And be more.
The New Normal
105
Along with these expeditions to places
where your mind hasn't
dwelled before-or stayed very long-you
may experience a
shift in your attitude about aging.
Whatever resistance you have
mounted in the past, however reluctant
you have been to embrace
this stage of life, you become more
accepting. Instead of reacting
to each unwanted development with
alarm (the body letting you
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DO LESS. BE MORE
down, the mind slipping a bit), you arrive
at a new sense of what's
normal.
This doesn't happen overnight. The best
option is to remain
open to the possibility, to the evolution of
your self-image. People
will continue to ask the usual questions:
"What are you up to these
days?" "What are you doing?" Maybe
your response is thoughtful
and authentic: "I'm adjusting. I'm trying to
simply be the person
I've become, the person I am now."
But to make it more intriguing, that new-
normal-for-me person
is in some ways just the same as he or
she has always been. Maybe
you've heard descriptions of this sort:
"Really, I feel like I'm my
seven-year-old self, except for the aches
and pains." "I still care
about some of the things I was so fond of
when I was four-and
I still hate green vegetables." "My family
thinks I've become more
tolerant, more patient, the older I get. But
I think that's the real me.
There's just so much that got in the way."
We may not grow taller as we grow
older-in fact, we may lose
a little height-but we continue to evolve
in many other ways. Old
age is not that boring plateau I imagined
when I was younger. It
can be more interesting when you
maintain your self-awareness,
the recognition of that person you have
always been and the per-
son you are now. It can be more
rewarding when you take the
opportunity to put everything else aside,
breathe gently, and dwell
in the present moment.
13
WARRANTY EXPIRING
What's happening with that body of yours
as you grow older? You
can be healthy, maybe even wealthy,
and certainly wise-but some
changes are taking place without your
permission. And even if you
work hard to outwit them.
of
At first, it's gradual. Maybe it's about
energy, a realization that
you played with your usual enthusiasm
but were not at the top
your game. Maybe it's about locomotion-
your right knee has
developed a mind of its own and just
won't function properly.
Maybe it's about flexibility-trying to touch
your toes takes a lit-
tle more effort than before, and you may
not get very far. Maybe
it's about coordination-you were so agile,
such a physical multi-
tasker, and you are losing that edge.
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WARRANTY EXPIRING
Some of the unwanted developments
can be identified quite
specifically. Others are in that vague
category of aches and twinges,
minor glitches, and the hard-to-describe.
The operating system just
isn't what it used to be and there's no
update to install.
Of course, some of these setbacks can
be diagnosed and treated
by medical professionals. Once you
reluctantly conclude that a
problem isn't going away, you probably
visit at least one of those
practitioners. In the quest to figure out
what's gone rogue in your
body, you may even seek opinions from
specialists. As we grow
older, our list of contacts expands to
include consultants with
expertise in particular areas including
some we've never heard
of before-whether we opt for traditional
or alternative medicine.
For many, there's a learning curve to
interacting comfortably
with providers of medical care. Some
people-perhaps more
women than men have developed
familiarity with doctors over
the years. They have experience with
initiating and maintaining
those relationships, a sometimes tricky
balance between staying
open and trusting while asserting their
own needs. Other older
people are wary of encounters with
medical professionals. Maybe
it's related to a childhood injury or illness,
or issues with authority
figures, or simply feeling vulnerable.
It's almost inevitable that your
involvement with the world of
health care will increase as you age.
Some of the engagement will
be intimate and personal, related to the
rapport between you and
your medical advisors, the extent to
which you feel understood
and respected. Other hoops-to-jump-
through pertain to the com-
plex ways that health care services are
delivered, a confusing web
of preexisting conditions, portals, and
pharmacy plans. What sort
of practice or clinic or health organization
will you select? What
are your choices in regard to insurance,
the coverages and benefits?
Bottom line, how will you pay the bills?
Navigating the health care system isn't
fun. As with any endeavor,
preparation helps. This may include
internet research on what's
WARRANTY EXPIRING
ailing or troubling you-though it's best to
think of such research
as background information rather than
definitive. The same is true
of your conversations with concerned
family members or friends.
Most important, be sure to write down
your questions and con-
cerns in advance of any medical
appointments and refer to those
notes when you're talking with your
physician or other profes-
sional. Good advice, at any age.
109
If you're anxious-and your short-term
memory isn't at its best
these days-take someone with you to
your doctor visits. Maybe
you're fortunate enough to have a close
friend or family member
available. Or you draft someone you
don't know quite as well, that
nice neighbor who knew you were
dealing with some kind of health
problem and said, "Oh, I wish I could do
something for you." There
is. This person can serve as your ally
and secretary, taking notes (or
recording, with permission) the important
points of the consulta-
tion. You may be uncomfortable asking
this kind of favor. That's
understandable, but keep in mind that it
is an honor to be invited
into someone's rather private world, and
to feel trusted. We all need
to be needed.
If these appointments and
recommendations and treatments
bring relief, we're grateful. If not-if the
problems are mainly
related to our stage of life-we need to
design interventions of
our own. As my friend Edna, a woman in
her mid-80s, says, "You
adapt." And when that's not sufficient?
"Adapt some more."
What does adaptation mean? It begins
with acknowledging that
you've sought help and the problem or
issue persists. The next step
is harder to take: arriving at the
realization-the acceptance-that
whatever is troubling or bothering or
limiting you is a conse-
quence of age. We would rather believe
that our back feels funny
because we need a new mattress or that
sex didn't go as well as
usual because we enjoyed a little too
much
wine the night before.
In other words, a one-off-or at least
something we can try to
attribute to circumstances other than the
aging of our bodies.
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WARRANTY EXPIRING
After acceptance comes a different
challenge. You have a choice
to make. You can remain discouraged
and frustrated about the
change in your physical capacity, the
disruption in the reliable
ways your body has always functioned.
Or you can be willing to
modify your expectations. You can be
ingenious in developing
workarounds, those experiments with
different ways to cope with
your limitations. Some workarounds are
in
the realm of common
sense. Others make use of technology,
from apps and other soft-
ware to the hardware known as assistive
devices. Adapt, and adapt
some more.
Working with Workarounds
What's the simplest example of a
workaround? The nap. When energy
declines, when you can no longer count
on a late-afternoon surge of
productivity, when familiar night-time
sleep patterns are altered...
you can take a nap. A power nap for ten
minutes, or a proper nap
that's somewhat longer but not so long
that you're disoriented when
you wake up. Refreshing your system is
the goal, enhancing your
ability to press on with the rest of the day
and evening.
Some workarounds require strategic
planning. You can tackle
the most demanding tasks of the day at
the time you feel most
energetic. In keeping with the reality that
your need for services
is gradually overtaking your wish to
acquire more worldly goods,
you can think about outsourcing a chore
or two. If your hearing
isn't what it used to be, you can opt for
the quieter restaurant when
friends ask where to meet. If your
memory is unreliable these days,
you can write things down, from to-do
lists to weekly calendars to
the name of that movie you heard about
yesterday but won't recall
tomorrow. You can choose paper and
pencil or a note-taking app
or a voice memo to yourself, whatever
works best. Sometimes you
need them all.
WARRANTY EXPIRING
And some workarounds require
accessories. That would include
eyeglasses, of course, which you may
have worn forever. But if
you're having trouble reading fine print or
you can't see the street
sign (or you came much too close to that
dressed-all-in-black
cyclist in the dark intersection), maybe
you need a new prescrip-
tion. Even if you've gone through life with
20/20 vision, it's time to
reassess. Consider a larger typeface on
whatever device you prefer
for reading, or order your library book in
the large-print version or
the audio. Easy workarounds, and not
unduly expensive.
"What?"
For many women and men, eyeglasses
have been essential
equipment since middle age, even
earlier. Not so with hearing
aids, which carry a stigma that's hard to
overcome. Hearing loss is
probably the element of oldness that is
most often denied by the
owner of the ears. Somehow it seems
preferable to repeat
over and over again in a conversation-or
miss out on valuable
information than to succumb to that little
piece of hardware that
amplifies sound. Really, it's just another
form of adaptation, an
auditory workaround. Think about all
those young people sport-
ing gadgets in their ears. Think about the
fact that you can regulate
the volume and manage other features
of today's hearing aids with
your phone, which may already have
status as your number-one
assistive device. Hearing aids aren't
perfect and the best ones aren't
cheap, but they are worth a trial.
On the topic of stigma, consider aids to
mobility, the worka-
rounds that allow you to get around.
Hiking poles, canes, and walk-
ers serve a vital purpose if your
locomotion is compromised. They
allow you to adapt to your body's reality,
to do things and go places
you might otherwise avoid. It may be
hard to let go of your concern
about how others see you, but you need
to decide just how much a
random stranger's perception of you as
an old person really matters.
Even if you're better at watching sports
than playing them, some
kind of physical exercise is vital to
maintaining good health as you
113
112
WARRANTY EXPIRING
age. Maybe you fit the description of that
line attributed to Mark
Twain (among others): "Whenever I feel
the urge to exercise, I
lie down until it passes." Over the years,
you've heard the voices
of authorities encouraging-or pressuring
you to get up and get
moving. But this may be your last call to
start treating your body as
something other than a stand for your
head. When you explore the
many possibilities for shaping up or
working out, mobilize your
self-awareness. It's the same process
you
follow with any decision
when you are older and wiser: choose
something consistent with
what you already know about your
strengths, your foibles, your
lifestyle. Then think in terms of some
activity as always better than
none. It could even become the practice
you've been meaning to
adopt.
On the other hand, if you have been an
athlete or even a wan-
nabe, adaptation may mean rethinking
your goals, the ones that
have kept you aiming for your personal
bests over a lifetime.
Whether i don't run as hard or as long,
opt for lighter weights
or skip some yoga poses, you can still
stay
in the game.
you
This notion of staying in the game
applies surprisingly well
to sexual activity. The cycle of desire,
pleasure, and satisfaction
changes with age. Hormones don't fire
up the libido as reliably
as they once did, back in the day. Bodies
don't look the same or
respond as easily. The pace is different.
There may be more longing
for intimate touch, less emphasis on
reaching orgasm.
Many women and men are highly
motivated to keep their sexu-
ality alive and well at any age. They are
happy to revise some of
their expectations and willing to
experiment with various worka-
rounds. They need no permission to
remain sexually active, only
a positive attitude about adaptation.
Others decide that sex has
lost not only some of its intensity, but
also some of its signifi-
cance. Perhaps they grieve the loss of
that dimension of their lives.
At best, they find some poignant
pleasure in remembering their
WARRANTY EXPIRING
sexual past, calling up images from their
personal erotica. A private
workaround? Why not?
When we were young, we took our
bodies for granted. They did
what we wanted them to do, with little
conscious thought or effort.
As we grow older, we become more
aware of the gaps between our
hopes and wishes and our capabilities.
Coming to terms with this
reality inspires our efforts to adapt. We
negotiate with ourselves,
though it may not be easy. Maybe we
give up jogging and switch to
power walking. Maybe we mourn for our
lost inner athlete and set-
tle for nine holes of golf with a cart.
Maybe we revise some scenes
in our sexual playbook. But if we are
willing to make adjustments,
we are likely to find that the assets still
exceed the liabilities on our
physical balance sheet.
Coping
Years ago, when I was only in my 40s, I
lost the tip of a finger in an
accident. I was fortunate to get medical
help right away. I have full
use of my finger. But I can remember
how it felt to lose that little
part of my body. It was a shock. I tried to
talk myself out of having
any sort of grief reaction-good heavens,
it could have been so
much worse, this was not a tragedy, and
so on. But the fact was, it
was a trauma to give up even a quarter-
inch of myself. At the time,
I couldn't imagine the consequences of a
life-altering diagnosis or
a grave injury.
But as the years roll on, that kind of
innocence gives way to the
realities of the aging process in one way
or another. Maybe our bod-
ies have lost resilience; we tire more
quickly and heal more slowly.
We can no longer confidently assert that
we'll get back to normal
functioning just as soon as possible after
falling on the ice or endur-
ing the course of chemo. To make it
worse, it's often not "one darin
thing after another"-it's two. Or more.
Lying awake in the dark of
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night, we have doubts about our survival.
There's a sense that our
warranty has expired.
How do we cope, day in and day out?
How do we manage the
deep fears that are likely to accompany
the malfunctions in our
bodies? What if our mobility is severely
compromised and we
can't freely move about the world? What
if moderate discomfort
becomes outright pain? What if a
condition is chronic, an illness
potentially terminal? In such
circumstances we are faced with
grieving the way things were and will
never be again.
Intellectually, most of us have some
understanding that ail-
ments of various kinds come with the
territory of old age. A cer-
tain amount of physical disturbance or
cognitive diminishment
is unwanted but expected. If we're
fortunate, we have gradually
relinquished our defenses-maybe we've
developed some reliable
workarounds and created a "new normal"
way of living. But a seri-
ous illness or injury can disrupt that
adaptive strategy, sometimes
dramatically, marking a change in our
health status from well to
not-well. We may not have the luxury of
overcoming denial over
an extended period of time. Diagnoses
are
made and treatments
pursued.
Facing the new reality, many people
choose to fight it. Consciously
or otherwise, they treat the body as their
adversary and prepare to
wage war. Think how often you've heard
a reference to someone
"battling" cancer or "struggling with" a
critical illness. There's a
healthy aspect to this, if you think of a
determined will-to-live
mobilizing against the forces of decline
and deterioration. A hope-
ful aspect, if you think of the combatant
as energized to ward off
depression and despair. An
understandable aspect, if the motiva-
tion is around achieving particular goals-
visiting Italy or seeing a
grandchild graduate from high school.
When the poet Dylan Thomas urges his
father to "rage, rage
against the dying of the light," he is
referring to death rather than
WARRANTY EXPIRING
illness or impairment. But the thought is
apt, a kind of mantra for
those with warrior instincts.
Another Path
It's quite a different attitude to forgive
your body. To let go of your
anger and the perhaps unspoken notion
that illness or injury is
some sort of betrayal. You may start in
the same place-a mixture
of disbelief and denial that something
has gone wrong in the body
the
team as your faltering physical self. You
might even try to contem-
And when you think about it, how would
it
be to arrive at the
end of your life with the robust health of
the average eight-year-
old? Somewhere along the line, there
have to be some variations,
some deviations from that norm. Further
along, diminishment.
Still further, infirmity of one kind or
another is inevitable.
So you accept the likelihood of illness or
disability in some form.
You don't take it as a reproach or an
invitation to skirmish with the
forces of evil. Of course, this is easier if
the condition is relatively
benign, posing no significant threat to the
quality or length of your
life. When suffering is more profound, we
may be able to learn
from the fortunate few who make peace
with their condition. They
describe disease as a great teacher, as
distilling what matters and
what doesn't. They speak of passing
through hell-on-earth to arrive
at a new way of experiencing the world,
endowed with clarity and
resonant with deep emotion.
One thing is true. Even as you can't
control what's happening to
your body, you can choose the attitude
you take toward its decline.
You can work at adopting a mindset that
gets you through each
day, and only that day, one day at a
time. You can grieve the loss of
various abilities while you embrace the
capacities you still possess.
116
WARRANTY EXPIRING
Bill T. Jones, the legendary
choreographer,
interviewed people
who were coping with life-threatening
illness. Grounded in his
exploration and inspired by his
contemplation of their survival, he
created a profoundly moving dance-
theater piece and called it Still
Here. You are, too.
14
STORMY WEATHER
Many of us have an emotional tendency,
however slight or pro-
nounced, to feel out of sorts in some
fashion. The default position for
some people is sadness-a gloomy
outlook or a melancholy mood.
The sun may be shining but the world
seems dark. For others, the pre-
vailing tone is anxious. We fret, we
worry, we anticipate worst-case
scenarios. Some of us are familiar with
both of these emotional states.
We experience a shifting mix of moods,
baffling ourselves as well
as those around us. I'm sure I don't need
to tell you that emotional
distress comes in many variations over
the life cycle, you've lived it.
Ironically, old age presents a distinctive
opportunity to man-
age your moods and achieve a little
more emotional equilibrium.
It's related to your growing recognition of
your mortality. That
118
STORMY WEATHER
unappealing word simply indicates that
you don't have all the time
in the world. That being the case, you
might want to claim every
present moment, even savoring a few.
The Here and the Now
It's perfectly true that the future is
foreshortened in the sense that
it's not forever. But don't forget that you
have the here and now.
Living in the here and now sounds
simple, but it's actually
demanding. It requires us to put all of our
focus on the time at hand
and to make good use of that time.
Some attitude adjustment may
be required as well, to clear away the
kind of emotional debris that
interferes with taking pleasure in the
moment. For example, could
you forfeit your critical attitude in favor of
adaptation? Could you
imagine your frustrations giving way to
acceptance? And what about
letting go of old resentments rather than
clutching them so tightly?
Living in the here and now means
altering your perspective
from the big picture to the small, the
global to the village, the for-
est to the single leaf. Of course you
haven't lost your appreciation of
things on a larger scale, but you've
gained an awareness of the parts
that make up the whole. Living in the
here and now also means
paying attention to your pace. True, the
very recognition of mor-
tality prompts some older people to go
into high gear, determined
to check off items on their bucket list.
That's fine. But consider
the alternative that slowing down allows
for deepening your
experience of each moment that is still
available to you. There's a
good reason that we associate old age
with rocking chairs. If that's
too sedentary for you, take walks. If
walking is difficult, study the
clouds, feel the breeze, pet a dog.
Living in the present moment is not
passive. It calls on all your
faculties and all your senses. You were
good at it, once upon a
time, when you were a very small child.
It's time to come full cir-
cle and embrace it again. That's a
privilege of old age.
Darkness at Noon
STORMY WEATHER
But what if a discouraged mood crosses
an invisible line, from the
dan? It actively interferes with your daily
life. You find no relief.
transitory and only moderately troubling
to a more serious condi
The present moment has little appeal.
You can be depressed over getting old.
You can be depressed
about your poor health and a feeling that
you've lived too long
You can be depressed because you
have suffered from depression
for years and there's no obvious reason
to recover now. Some peo-
ple maintain that the prevalence of
depression declines over the
ife cycle as aging adults are relieved of
some of the obligations
of work and family. Others counter that
the losses inherent in the
later years the death of family members
and close friends, dete-
riorating physical health or cognitive
functioning, threats to finan-
cial security can easily trigger or deepen
depressive episodes.
All of these scenarios have some truth to
them. How they apply
to you depends on who you are. And so
does the treatment of
depression. Some believe in medication,
some favor counseling in
various forms, and some endorse a
combination of the two.
While researchers and practitioners
continue to search for defin-
itive solutions to depression-which may
not arrive in
your
life-
time, if ever-you can engage in your own
effort to lighten your
mood. It's not a cure-all or a substitute
for traditional approaches.
In fact, this strategy is quite compatible
with taking prescription
medications, exploring your childhood
fears, or reframing your
negative thoughts.
First, your attitude. You don't have to
cheer up. More impor-
tantly, don't let anyone else try to cheer
you up. This may be coun-
terintuitive, but it matters. Whether you
put the burden on yourself
10 grin while bearing it, or well-meaning
friends and family mem-
try to jolly you into a good mood, that
doesn't help. Because
the disconnect between the way you are
feeling-depressed-and
bers
120
STORMY WEATHER
.
the ideal way to feel-nat depressed-is
simply too great. You can't
reach that goal except in very small
steps,
and it makes you feel
worse to gaze up
at the mountain.
It also makes you feel alone, even
alienated, when people fail to
respect the emotional state you are in.
Depression is a lonely aflair to
begin with. Of course people who love
you want to instill hope for
better days ahead. And that's fine, as
long as the expression of hope
is preceded by acceptance of the way
things are for you, right now.
Which brings us to strategic planning,
the antidepressant version
in which you learn to plan your life. Each
day of it, hour by hour
Planning is deliberate the structuring of
your life into very
small segments or increments. Planning
is effortful; it takes moti-
vation. Planning is ongoing; it requires
persistence. Not so easy. But
it's free and there are no side effects.
This approach-scheduling your daily
activities-is helpful in
alleviating depression at any age. It
becomes especially valuable
in the later years when, typically, the
responsibilities of a job and
family life are diminishing. Time is no
longer at such a premium,
which can be liberating. Too much time,
on the other hand, can be
dispiriting, even demoralizing. But you
can manage it.
Write down everything you intend to do
in a day and evening,
on any scheduler app or piece of paper
you choose. This will feel
familiar, up to a point, from your hardest-
charging days when you
kept your appointment calendar up-to-
date or risked chaos. The
difference now is that you enter into this
template even the most
minor activities of daily living, such as:
.
Brush teeth
.
Feed cat
Make to-do list
Look for lost earring
Organize credit card receipts
.
Leaf through magazine
Clean top bureau drawer
Walk around block
Fix dinner
Get ready for bed.
You get the idea.
If you are so
STORMY WEATHER
discouraged that these activities seem
overwhelm-
you think
you can't
ing, break them down into smaller
pieces. If w
get out of bed in the morning, stop
thinking of it as one event
Think of it as a series of small
successes: stretch, yawn, turn to one
side, put one foot on the floor, put the
other foot on the floor. Take
it slowly, go back to square one if
necessary, then try again. When
Fue succeed at sitting upright on the
bed, congratulate yourself.
There is a natural fit here with the
tendency to recalibrate the
meaning and importance of various
activities as you grow older.
Once upon a time, these mundane or
trivial
actions or events were
wed as exactly that, hardly worth noting.
The older you get,
the more you may come to accord them
some respect as genuine
accomplishments, essential to a life well
lived.
Keep in mind that depression is a
disorder of mood, not a defi-
tion of personality. You feel bad but you
are not a bad person.
Here's where advancing age
exacerbates the problem. For some,
t's hard to resist recycling all of the
regrets accumulated over the
years. For others, the risk is obsessing
over dreams that haven't
come true. But whether your focus is on
genuine errors made or
fantasies unfulfilled, these thoughts are
useless. Of no value. They
make you more depressed. Don't go
there. Plan your day.
Soothe Yourself
You may be all too familiar with one or
more of the many forms
that anxiety takes. You've experienced it
over your lifetime in the
form of worry, irrational fears, or
obsessional thinking. Or you've
122
STORMY WEATHER
made it this far, generally calm and
resilient, only to be surprised
by feelings of uncertainty and
vulnerability
as you grow older.
Whatever your history, living well in your
later years involves
learning to soothe yourself. If you were
younger, I could make the
case for exploring and deconstructing
and
debunking the thoughts
that give rise to your anxious moments
or underlie your anxious
state. And we could take into
consideration other influences or con-
tributions from parental models to
traumatic experiences. These
approaches might be helpful, given
enough time. But time is in lim
ited supply and you deserve to find relief
and, eventually, relaxation.
Relief resides within you, in your breath.
Of course you've always known how to
breathe. But have you
ever consciously managed your breath?
Because taking control
of your breath is an excellent way to
diminish the out-of-control
feeling we call anxiety. You may have
experimented with this
after reading about "doing" less and
"being" more, in Chapter
12. But let's build on it.
Find a comfortable place to sit quietly.
Put both feet on the floor,
rest your hands on your knees (palms up
or down), and close your
eyes. Breathe in through your nose and
count slowly and silently.
one, two, three. Breathe out through your
nose and count slowly
and silently... three, two, one. Repeat.
Repeat again. And again.
As you might guess, your goal over time
is to deepen the breath
to a longer count-adding to your
sequence, maybe reaching five
or six. Also, as you continue to practice,
you can make the exhale a
bit longer than the inhale. If your nasal
passage is at all constricted,
you can breathe out through your mouth.
If you become bored with simple
counting, try some variations.
Choose words that resonate with you
and say them silently with the
inbreath and the outbreath: peace/calm,
restore/relax. Or imagine
that your breath has a beautiful color and
infuse your whole body
with that color as you breathe deeply in
and out.
STORMY WEATHER
123
With practice, see if you can work toward
sustaining the experi
ence for three minutes. Initially, set a
timer so none of your energy
is directed to the clock. Eventually you
may not need the timer.
This careful and rhythmic breathing
works on anxiety in two
apparatus in your body that mobilizes in
response to perceived
threats, real or imagined. Your nerves
have put you on high alert.
Conscious breathing is one way to ease
the tension. Cognitively.
you are defeating the negative thoughts
that fuel anxiety. You are
focusing exclusively on saying the
chosen numbers or words to
yourself, even as you maintain a vague
awareness of the sound
and sensation of your breath. Inevitably,
you'll shift back into use-
less obsessing or just ordinary grocery-
list-type thoughts. Consider
saying to them, aloud if necessary.
"Sorry, you'll have to wait." Go
back to your breath.
The key is practice. Keep in mind that
you can do this almost
anywhere, at any time.
past
Conscious breathing is especially helpful
with anticipatory
anxiety-the fear or dread of something
yet to come-and to
some extent with defeating recurrent and
troubling thoughts from
the past. It gives you a safe place to
retreat and restore yourself.
Many older people find themselves
preoccupied with their
mistakes, real or imagined, and suffer
from the kind of guilt that
keeps on giving. If there's something to
undo or apologize for, by
all means make amends. More often
your mind gets stuck in a con-
tinuous loop that replays these errors of
omission and commission
to no purpose, except for making you
miserable. There's a way to
interrupt those thoughts, at least
temporarily.
Go back to your comfortable sitting
position. Close your eyes
and imagine that you are standing in an
elevator on the top floor of
a tall building. You are alone, except for
your baggage-your trou
bled thoughts. Picture yourself pressing
the button and descending
124
STORMY WEATHER
one level. The doors open. Now you stay
in the elevator but teas
out one of the things you most regret-
something painful the
has bothered you for a very long time-
onto the floor. You leave
it there, the doors close, you descend
again. Floor by floor, you
throw your unwanted emotional baggage
out of the elevator.
Stay with this image until you feel a little
relief or a slight sense
of accomplishment. Either one is better
than lugging those bags
around.
Finally, you might want an alternative for
those times when
you don't have the patience to slow down
and enjoy something
as deliberate and restful as breathing or
as creative as imagery. It's
even simpler, really. You can counter
your anxiety through deliber.
ate action.
Do something. Do anything. It helps if it's
physical to some
extent, but that can mean sitting up
instead of lying down, walking
twice around a room instead of standing
still. When you feel jittery
or fearful, it's tempting to believe that you
are beset by feelings
beyond your control. It's not true. You
can alter your experience of
the moment, in the moment, by taking
some kind of action, how-
ever inconsequential it may seem. Pour
yourself a glass of water.
Stretch your arms over your head as far
as they will go. Look ou
the window. Do something.
Whether your distraction takes the form
of breathing, imagery
or a simple action, the respite won't last
indefinitely. That's life. But
you'll have some tools to help you cope.
15
YOU AND YOUR
CONSTANT COMPANION
other obsessions
325
Drinking to excess... smoking...
overeating internet porn and
perhaps you're all too familiar with
behavior
that's hard to control. If not, you get a
pass from reading this short
chapter.
But if you are habituated, or addicted, or
in some way depend-
ent on a substance or an activity that you
know is not in your best
interest, this is for you.
Here's the thing about compulsive
behavior as you grow older:
you and
I your behavior have probably been
together for a long time.
You're old friends. That's a big part of the
problem. In a time of life
that's marked by losses of all kinds,
imagine giving up something
YOU AND YOUR CONSTANT
COMPANION
you've grown so close to, relied upon.
Something so familiar, s
readily available. Why would you
want to do that?
That's a good question, and it can be a
tough one to answer
Let's start by thinking about the
consequences of your habit. Does
indulgence in the behavior make you feel
bad about yourself? Does
reliance on it make you feel even worse?
Consider, and take note.
Of course your behavior may upset other
people, people you
care about. If so, I'm sorry, and you may
be, too. But the wishes
and hopes of others are insufficient
motivation for you to abandon
the old friend we're talking about. Listen
to family members and
friends when they express their concern,
by all means. But that's
not enough, not by a long shot.
No, it's all about you and your self-
respect.
What difference does it make, that you're
growing older? For
one thing, as we've noted, it means
you've probably been relying
on whatever it is for many years. You're
a chronic user, eater ...
you name it. And over time you may
have tried all kinds of strate-
gies to kick the habit. Repeatedly.
Not such a good prognosis, is it?
But there's one big difference as you
approach old age. Time is
limited. This is likely to be your last
chance to feel differently about
yourself. I'm not talking about improving
your health or your mar-
riage. If those objectives were
compelling
you would have kicked
the habit long ago. I'm talking about
putting an end to the disre-
spect and the self-loathing, the
depression and the despair.
If that has any appeal, you might want to
think about ending
the relationship with your companion
while you still have some
time left. It's beyond the scope of this
book to lay out a complete
program for treating compulsive behavior
of any kind, but I can
help you make a start.
Timing. Life at this point is not a dress
rehearsal. The future is
not stretching out before you to a
limitless horizon. It's finite. As the
cliché has it, if not now, when? Let's
explore this. If you're honest.
YOU AND YOUR CONSTANT
COMPANION
what's your image of a life well lived and
how does that square with
the life you're leading now? Is that good
enough for you? When did
pou imagine you might do something
about the discrepancy?
That's looking ahead. What if you look
back? Do you think you
haven't smoked enough cigarettes?
Drunk enough booze? Watched
enough X-rated videos? Of course you
can continue. But let's won-
der if the experience will be significant,
let alone profound or even
distinctive. By definition, old habits aren't
very interesting. Some
are quite boring.
By contrast, consider the adventure of
ending any relation-
ship. Yes, it's scary and lonely, but you
may feel very much alive,
vulnerable to all kinds of emotional twists
and turns. It's the
same with letting go of a cherished
compulsion. However self-
defeating the activity may be, you've
valued its availability, its
dependability in your times of need-just
like a
any other flawed
but secure attachment in life.
127
About the scary part: you'll need ways to
fill the time, find sub-
stitutes for whatever it was you were
doing (and doing and doing).
You'll be giving up a pattern of behavior
that was entirely familiar
and reliable. You'll be confronting a void
and you'll be anxious. So
you'll have to learn to predict the pitfalls
and to plan-carefully
and purposefully-in order to successfully
maneuver around them.
As for the lonely part, a solution is
obvious. Don't try to do this
by yourself. If you've managed to keep
the behavior a secret (at least
you think it's a secret), you'll have to
come clean with at least one
person, preferably more. It's likely that
your troubled and troubling
behavior is known to others. Some of
them may be ready to help.
Others may be as averse to change as
you have been, and possibly
threatened by your determination to
defeat the demon. Choose
wisely. You need allies, a support
system. Think about connecting
with a 12-step program or any other
group that promotes recovery.
As you probably know by now, whether
you
are dealing with
an entrenched habit or a long-standing
addiction, a change of this
128
YOU AND YOUR CONSTANT
COMPANION
resolve.
kind is profoundly challenging. It's an
effort that requires mobiliz
ing your energy and your determination,
your patience and you:
So you need to be realistic, to consider
whether this challenge
is right for you. It may not be. But
contrary to popular wisdom,
old age offers opportunities to make
choices, to take control of
some aspects of your life. It just doesn't
keep the window open
indefinitely.
At the very least, this pattern of behavior
that has power over
you has become rather automatic. Do
yourself the favor of becom
ing explicit about it. Bring it into sharp
focus, claim it as yours-
and make a deliberate decision about its
place in your old age.
As a first step in the process, listen to a
few people struggling
with the issue of dependency as they
grew older. Maybe you'll
identify, maybe one of their stories could
be yours.
Harry reflects on a turning point in his
drinking life:
When I woke up the morning after my
sixtieth birthday celebration,
I had a terrible hangover. The day was
pretty much lost, except for
one thing. I got to thinking about my
father, who died last y
year. He
was what they used to call a functional
alcoholic. He never lost a
job, didn't beat his wife. But his life was
largely organized around
having his drinks. That seemed to be
what mattered most, even
more than spending time with us kids.
I've been drinking the way he did most of
the time, but some
binges like the night of the party really
scared me. I don't know yet if
I will have to give it up entirely but I know
something has to change.
Jane describes her relationship with
prescription pills:
I wouldn't have called it an addiction until
recently. I needed
medication to manage my pain after an
awful car accident in my
20s. But that was a long time ago. What
I'm doing right now is
YOU AND YOUR CONSTANT
COMPANION
admitting to the way I've been misusing
meds. I take pills to calm
me down, and I take pills to speed me
up. I look so healthy and fit
in my 60s, I've even succeeded in talking
more than one doctor into
writing me another prescription. As you
might guess, I have other
sources, too. I feel trapped, and I want
out. Not sure how to do it
but I don't like this image of myself.
Especially as I look ahead.
Stanley started gambling when he was a
teenager. Today, almost
fifty years later, the stakes are much
higher:
Yes, it's a compulsion but I love the risks.
Of course I love the highs,
but even the lows set me up to get back
in the game again. I've been
really lucky, sticking mostly-but honestly,
not completely-to legal
betting. Maybe I should worry about
getting in trouble with the law,
but I'm really much more concerned
about running out of money
before I die. My wife knows about my
habit, but not the extent of it. I
never gave this much thought when I
was younger. Now I'm anxious
about the future. This can't go on. I may
need some help.
Harry. Jane, and Stanley are each taking
a hard look at their past
history and their present situation. They
are owning up to their
distress over their behavior, admitting
that there is a problem. By arriv-
ing at this point no longer fooling
themselves about the toll taken
by their dependency-they are
overcoming
their denial.
129
This first step, this moment of clarity, is
essential to making
any revision of your life's script. It allows
you to wonder if your
future might somehow be different, even
if the outcome can't be
predicted yet. Harry, Jane, and Stanley
may follow different paths
in the days ahead. What they share is
the realization that they have
choices to make as they face growing
older. If you have a constant
companion, think about your own
choices. While there's still time.
16
THE SIGNIFICANCE
OF OTHERS
As the wise yoga teacher Max Strom has
noted, there is no app
for happiness. Maybe not, but that
doesn't keep people of all ages
from searching for it. Particularly when
this elusive happiness is
than one.
represented by a loving connection to
another person. Or more
The quest for connection, be it romantic
or platonic, sexual or
spiritual, is a constant theme in our
earlier years. Most of us have
a drive, sometimes compelling, to seek a
mate or partner; most of
as have a powerful yearning to be
chosen by someone to whom
we are attracted. And with very few
exceptions, we need com-
panionship. We don't want to go through
life entirely alone. So
we overcome our insecurities or
inhibitions
and work at forming
132
THE SIGNIFICANCE OF OTHERS
relationships. Classmates, friends,
neighbors. Colleagues. Extended
family members. Online contacts.
Supermarket checkers.
The degree of closeness varies greatly,
of course. Some people do
best keeping their connections at arm's
length while others crave
intimacy. The selection process varies,
too. Some tend to connect
with others of the same ilk-age or
gender, education or inter-
ests-while others enjoy the stimulation of
differences.
Connecting in later life shares some of
these universal quali
ties. But it also has a special poignancy,
created in large measure
by the losses we are sustaining. The rate
of attrition in our cohort
steps up. We lose family members, life
partners, best friends. It
can take courage to reach out again, to
risk being vulnerable, to
let others know you.
So unless you are an extrovert blessed
with unwavering opti
mism, making connections can be
difficult. It takes initiative. Little
wonder that the default position of many
older people is to with-
draw into their own skin or settle for the
secure base of a trusted
few. Also consider that our emotional
defenses-which may once
have served as strong and sturdy
bulwarks against rejection or dis-
appointment are often diminished as we
age.
You can't replace the people you have
loved dearly and deeply.
There are no substitutes. But oldness
offers a kind of compen-
sation, if you are willing to be flexible
with your expectations.
Relationships in the earlier stages of life
are apt to be characterized
by their intensity. We looked for that vital
spark of shared interests
and tastes, common values. We were
energized by these connec-
tions, often felt more alive. If the pairing
was romantic, there was
a crazy-in-love thrill; if the encounters
were sexual, there was pas
sionate excitement, a feeling beyond
your control.
Life changes, and so can you. It requires
a shift in your empha-
sis, in revising the considerations you
make in the process of reach-
ing out. When you were younger, many
of your interpersonal
THE SIGNIFICANCE OF OTHERS
connections were based on similarity,
some identification with the
other person. That felt good. As you age,
you can become less par-
ticular, more open to differences. Less
exclusive, more inclusive
of people unlike yourself. The goal is not
to replicate your own
attributes in someone else, but to enjoy
some simple camaraderie.
that we're-all-in-this-world-together
feeling. These companionable
interactions serve to buffer the feelings
of loneliness so prevalent
in later life.
As one example, take note of the
ships e
way the age factor in relation-
s evolves slowly over the life cycle. As
children or teenagers,
every year matters. Do you remember
when you thought the girls
two grades ahead of you were a different
species? Or as a young
adult, the whiff of scandal that went with
dating out of your age
range, seeing someone much older? As
the years go by, these dis-
tinctions lose some of their relevance.
Think how often you don't
remember a person's age-if you ever
knew it.
You may want to pay more attention to
the outer circle of
your social universe. I'm referring to the
people who populate
your daily life, the people with whom you
have brief encoun-
ters of all kinds. When you were
younger, you may not have
made time to connect with the UPS
driver or the barista, even
as they were essential to your well-
being. Now it's satisfying-
and hardly effortful-to engage in a little
conversation when you
receive a package, a little banter when
you place your order at the
coffee shop. As you age, you'll need
more assistance from people
in various helping roles. Take time to be
interested and apprecia-
tive and make those relationships matter.
You and Your Friends
What about the meaningful connections
that are already in place,
the friendships that may be relatively
recent or, more likely at this
134
THE SIGNIFICANCE OF OTHERS
point, the ones that have a long history?
Age has a bearing in a
number of ways, some welcome and
others somewhat perverse.
For example, it's essential to make
allowances for encroaching old-
ness. Aging friends forget the lunch date
or get the time wrong.
They can't find a parking place and if
they do, they can't remember
where the car is when they come out of
the restaurant.
Friends tell lang stories you have already
heard, more than once.
People who once engaged you in
intense conversation about world
events now report their blood pressure
readings or how they really
should find another physical therapist. All
kinds of foibles. You
have your own, of course.
But most of this age-related behavior
isn't directed at you per
sonally, even if you feel momentarily
disappointed or disrespected.
Whatever the misunderstanding,
however long you stand by the
movie theater box office wondering if
your friend will show up,
it's probably not about you. It's that old
devil, age.
It comes as no surprise that the
character of friendship alters with
the advancing years to include a large
element of caretaking. It isn't
only the conversation that changes, it's
the needs that people-includ-
ing you have as they grow older. Roles
change. You may be counted
on for emotional support in all kinds of
situations. It may be hands-on
care for the friend recovering from a
knee replacement or transporta-
tion for the neighbor undergoing cancer
treatment or the meal you
prepare and deliver to the newly
widowed. The range of events calling
out for your empathy and understanding
expands and the frequency
increases. Rather than responding to an
occasional call for help.
you're in it for the longer haul. At the
same time, you hope for-you
deserve some sympathetic attention to
whatever is going on in your
own life.
Oldness, when you think about it, is a
persistent condition.
Factor in illness or injury, either of which
can be acute, or chronic,
sometimes one leading to the other.
Friendship has always been
THE SIGNIFICANCE OF OTHERS
a mutual arrangement; now there's a
more significant element of
taking turns, responding to each other's
needs as they arise.
It's fine to bring some selectivity to your
friendship ties. Some
connections are really situational. The
two of you became acquainted
in some shared circumstance and
thought you had a lot in common,
but the relationship isn't standing the test
of time. There's no dis-
honor in withdrawing from that
involvement, although it may not
be easy. Or a long-running friendship
has caused you more anxiety
than satisfaction over the years and
you're simply tired of bolding
up your end. You don't have to say
goodbye. But if you bring your
behavior more into sync with your
feelings, it probably means a little
less contact.
On a more positive note, people often
report a deeper recogni-
tion of the value of friendship as they get
older. The notion that
originated in the gay and lesbian
community a few decades ago,
that friends can constitute a highly
desirable family-of-choice, has
gone mainstream. We're all the better for
it.
For the most part, we're taking stock
here of connections to
people who are more or less in your age
range, and that's fine.
It's also essential that you, as an older
person, have some younger
acquaintances or friends. Forget the
nonsense about proximity to
youth keeping you young. Envying the
six-pack abs of a 30-year-
old man or admiring the dewy
complexion of a 20-something
young woman hardly makes your years
fade away. Instead, it's the
contrast in our lives-young and old-that's
so informative and
stimulating. We get to find out what's
going on in the world from
which we are gradually withdrawing. We
get to watch the way
young lives unfold, with all the similarities
and differences from
our own.
What do we give in return? If we're
asked, we give wise counsel.
But we need no invitation to take young
people seriously and offer
emotional support. Unlike other authority
figures prominent in their
137
136
THE SIGNIFICANCE OF OTHERS
lives, we don't evaluate, we don't
criticize, we don't put any condi-
tions on the relationship. As older
people, we're simply there for
them. It matters not that we may dislike
their music and they may
not appreciate ours. As I said before:
we're all in this world together.
Intimate Partners
And the people who matter most, the
significant others, lovers,
spouses? How does old age affect or
alter those relationships? As
Pamela, the considerably younger wife
of an aging husband, put it
with a sigh, "I could write a book..." That
book would include all
the clichés about old age. Forgetfulness,
rising impatience, increas-
ing sensitivity, escalating frustration.
Some of these effects are
related to the aging of the brain; others
are consequences of the
sense that we are slowly losing our
influence in the world, if not
our bearings. Regardless of the cause,
we don't like what's happen-
ing with our dearest companions.
Besides, they serve as mirrors of
where we are or where we're headed.
We don't like that at all.
The reality is that your partner can't help
getting older any more
than you can. The behavior that irritates
or frustrates you isn't will-
ful or intentional. It is what it is-old guy or
old lady stuff. Once
you cross that threshold, that moment of
truth, you are on your
way to acceptance. Acceptance doesn't
come overnight, though,
and even if it did it might not last much
past noon. Acceptance
depends on your mood, your partner's
mood, and all the myriad
complications of life. Acceptance may be
transient, it may be frag-
ile, but it's crucial to sustaining a close
relationship in old age.
Good communication is essential, too.
That's always been true,
but now there's the more-so
phenomenon whatever a couple's
style of conversing, it's apt to be
exacerbated as each partner grows
older. Bickerers bicker. Stonewallers
stonewall. Not to mention the
part played by even a minimal hearing
loss
If sensitive issues
...
THE SIGNIFICANCE OF OTHERS
arise late in life, you and your partner
may need a refresher course
in Talking to Each Other (Appendix III).
way
ject.
We all need to grieve for the loss of the
way things were. The
he could be counted upon to tackle any
household repair pro-
The way she could be trusted to pay the
bills and never see a
finance charge. The way turning to each
other in bed could make
the day's frustrations disappear. Things
have changed. They aren't
so certain. It's sad, that we mark
advancing age by means of these
disappointments, but it's real. And so we
grieve.
If your partner's health or well-being is
compromised in some sig
nificant way it could be a brief episode or
longer term you take on
new roles. This may mean assuming
responsibilities you never had
before, and never wanted. Think about
the everyday tasks and errands
your partner can no longer manage as
physical capacity declines.
Consider the contribution to your shared
decision-making that is
altered when one mind is no longer so
reliable, so sharp. Little wonder
that the healthier or more functional
partner feels burdened by the
need, as 75-year-old Arnold put it, "to
think for two people." Some
say there's a trade-off in this stage, that
people are surprised by their
ability to adapt to the challenges. They
discover a kind of resilience
that they never knew they had, or find
satisfaction in taking control of
confusing situations, or learn to ask for
help. True for some. But even
with such enviable coping skills, all
intimate partners face the hard
truth that this transformation of their
relationship is demanding. If
they made a promise to stick together for
better or worse," here it is.
Then we develop or hope to develop-
tolerance. Tolerance is
acceptance buttressed by patience and a
touch of grace. It's what
we feel when we are at our best and we
love with our whole heart.
There's an element of fondness, maybe
a little humor. Think of
how
you want your own old-age quirks and
diminishments to
be treated by someone who loves you.
That's your model. Finally,
there's gratitude. Maybe you have a little
more time together.
138
THE SIGNIFICANCE OF OTHERS
Family Dynamics
Family relationships go through their own
transformations in old
age. For some, these really are the ties
that bind. At their best.
family members recognize that time
together is precious. One
insight is nearly universal: the realization
that parents are growing
older and will not be with us forever. This
passage-of-time aware-
ness affects same-generation siblings
and cousins, too. They find
ways to reunite across distance and time
zones. They feel a need
to touch base in the present and talk
about the past, reviewing or
reconstructing it. Memory lapses get
filled in, misperceptions get
revised, funny stories are recycled in the
process. It's the family
version of life review.
The family system often endures another
kind of shift, this one
unwelcome. We can predict-even accept
that the older gen-
eration will exhibit the signs and
symptoms of aging. We're not
counting on those relatives to be at full
strength, functioning at
100 percent of their capacity. But we're
taken aback at the news of
ailments or illness suffered by younger
members of the family. In a
perfect world, they were supposed to be
spared the fears and frus-
trations of any disabling condition. A
middle-aged son is diagnosed
with Parkinson's. A granddaughter starts
on a new medication to
control her seizures. Your younger friend
the one you counted
on to send you funny memes is coping
with an episode of clini-
cal depression. Sadly, more losses are
added to our expanding col-
lection of life experiences.
When your children have children, it's a
major shift in the fam-
ily dynamics. The appearance of a new
generation has a profound
impact on the senior members. This
development may have been
long anticipated, hoped for. More than
one newly minted grand-
mother has declared, "Grandparenting is
the only experience in
life that is even better than imagined."
The opportunity to nurture
THE SIGNIFICANCE OF OTHERS
young children without taking complete
responsibility for their
well-being is welcomed enthusiastically.
The doting may be long-
distance, aided by Skype, or it may be
hands-on, with grandpar
ents assuming a variety of important
roles in helping to raise their
grandchildren.
139
Not everyone feels this way about
achieving grandparent status.
and it can be hard to admit to some
ambivalence. Most obviously,
it's confirmation of your oldness. Other
consequences are more
subtle but significant. As 65-year-old
Alice
described it, "I hate to
say it, but I'm done. I raised three
children and it was hard work. I
love my grandchildren but it's time to
take care of myself." At age
71, Warren spoke of enjoying monthly
visits with his two grand-
sons. But he added wistfully, "I can't get
used to the loss of time
with their dad. He has a new focus, and
that's as it should be, but
I feel left out." Note, too, the discrepancy
between grandparents'
expectations and reality. If they hoped to
make use of the parenting
wisdom they gained over the years,
there's inevitable disappoint-
ment when their offspring fail to ask for
their advice. Or reject it.
Even as family traditions are maintained,
roles inevitably change.
Sybil, a grandmother of seven, described
what she experienced at
the family's holiday celebration. "The
next generation has taken
over! My eldest daughter did all the
planning and the grandchil
dren helped with the cooking. I felt a bit
overwhelmed, pleased
but overwhelmed. It's odd to say I feel a
bit lost in my family but
there it is."
A different kind of family connection is
retrospective. Many older
people experience a growing desire to
know more about their his
tory, their family's origins. This interest is
in stark contrast to those
youthful days when an elderly aunt
droned on about her ancestors
and you rolled your eyes. Now, whether
it involves contacting little-
known distant relatives or exploring the
internet to create a fam-
ily tree, genealogy can become a
fascinating project to pursue. As
THE SIGNIFICANCE OF OTHERS
with many endeavors, there are trade-
offs. In the best scenarios, this
research into one's own history is
grounding, offering a more secure
sense of identity and belonging. But
along the way, some revelations
are provocative. You might discover the
existence of a half-sister you
didn't know about, or learn that your
ethnic origins are not what
you've always been told. As you
proceed, stay aware that surprises
may lie ahead.
All families have their share of
misfortune, even tragedy. The
later years present a dilemma if a family
is burdened by conflict
or members are estranged. They can
seek reconciliation before it's
too late, or despair of the possibility.
There's sadness in coming to
terms with the realization that time is
limited, but it may serve as
a catalyst for reaching out, in the hope of
healing rifts. If not, there
will be losses to mourn.
Whatever the history or the prevailing
attitudes of the family
you grew up in or the one you have
created, the family dimension
of your life gains prominence as you
grow older. Much of that is
emotional resonance. When you ponder
your experience with the
most important figures in your life, it's
understandable and normal
to feel a mix of pleasure and regret,
satisfaction and sadness. Maybe
some of your dreams for those
relationships came true, some of
your hopes were fulfilled. For others,
your emotions fall on a con-
tinuum from mild disappointment to
heartbreak. From the vantage
point of advancing age, reflections on
family life are apt to have a
bittersweet quality. That's reality.
If you have issues of inheritance to
resolve at some point in
the future, expect some disturbance in
your emotional equilib-
rium. It takes courage to imagine a world
without you, even if
you hope to live on in people's hearts
and minds. But whether you
have a fortune to bequeath to lucky
beneficiaries or your legacy
consists of an old-fashioned set of china
and some treasured fam-
ily photograph albums, the dynamic is
the same. You will need to
THE SIGNIFICANCE OF OTHERS
make some decisions about dispersing
your assets and sharing your
worldly goods.
You do your survivors a favor when you
leave specific instructions
to be documented in your will. It's also a
simple fact
for after you're gone. It's common
knowledge that these directives
are
supposed
that not everyone is ready to make one.
If you are in that category.
try an experiment. Think about a niece of
whom you are especially
fond. Try taping a label-"for Sarah,
eventually-to the back of a
frame or the bottom of a pottery dish.
See how that feels. If
picture
it feels all right, you've taken a first step
toward making a will.
Another important aspect of family life is
practical, as Issues
of care and responsibility for an aging
family member-could be
you arise. In that perfect world, the
younger generation plays its
part willingly, siblings cooperate
harmoniously, and even the more
distant relatives come to your aid. But on
the planet that most of us
inhabit, there are differences of opinion,
frustrations and resent-
ments. It helps to keep in mind that
there's nothing new here.
When one member of a family needs
help,
old rivalries and ten-
sions resurface. Call them pre-existing
conditions. If you are the
focus of all this attention, your job is to
stay outside the family
energy field. Ask for what you need. Let
others determine how best
to provide it.
Change affects nearly everything as we
grow older, and it's
true of our relationships. Some
attachments become more temu-
ous, while others deepen and become
more profound. Many of
these transitions are beyond your
control, but others are yours to
influence. You play your part when you
treat people with respect.
When you attend to friends and family
members with kindness
and tolerance. When you assure your
most
significant companions
of your loyalty and love. Change is
inevitable. If you can adapt to
it, you can enjoy a measure of
happiness, however you define it.
Even without an app.
17
LOVES LOST
When you were younger, your world
could be turned upside down
when you learned of a friend's serious
injury or a family member's
grave illness, but there was a good
chance that you would eventu-
ally recover from the shock and regain
your equilibrium. As you
grow older, your world changes.
Although some people manage to
reach their later years relatively
unscathed, middle age is typically
a time of intermittent loss. Then, as you
age, the losses are likely to
occur with greater frequency-one after
another, and sometimes
simultaneously.
For nearly everyone, the most painful
losses are those of people
close to us. But there's no hierarchy of
loss, nor should there be.
Loss simply
means that something has gone missing
that was once
144 LOVES LOST
present and deeply valued. It could be a
person, a place, or a thing,
It could be a dog or a cat, a house or a
car, a bracelet or a pocket-
knife. It could be money in the bank or a
professional reputation
or your good health. Or it could be a
long-
held dream or fantasy,
when you have to accept that it will never
come true.
We're all so different. Some people
experience the death of a pet
with the same intensity as the loss of a
parent. Some people react
to the loss of a home or the end of a
marriage with a similar depth
of feeling. You know who you are; you
know what causes you to
suffer greatly.
Along with our individual vulnerabilities,
certain broad themes
influence how we respond to a loss. One
is proximity. Some people
are baffled when they find themselves
responding more emotion-
ally to the death of a neighbor than to the
loss of their favorite
uncle. The reality may be that they loved
their uncle dearly but
saw him rarely. The neighbor was close
at hand. There were many
interactions and exchanges, hardly
profound but enjoyable. Death
cheats us of the camaraderie. Day by
day, we experience its absence,
and we feel the loss more than we might
expect.
Another theme involves your self-
esteem. The more you feel iden-
tified with a person, a place, or a thing,
the more intensely you will
feel its absence. When you think about it,
this makes emotional sense.
A family member or a special friend
respects or admires or enjoys
you, perhaps all of these. You derive
great satisfaction and pleasure,
even a sense of worth, from this
connection. When this person dies,
it may seem that a part of you dies, too.
We suffer this most pain-
fully, of course, in the loss of the loved
ones closest to our hearts.
Think of other emotional investments
that make us feel good
about ourselves. You can be bonded to
the pet you raised, to the
garden you planted, to the institution
where you worked for many
years. These connections work both
ways. If we lose them-a
beloved dog dies or we abandon the
garden to relocate closer to an
LOVES LOST
adult child or we retire from an
organization that sustained us in
so many ways we feel the loss deeply.
Psychologically speaking, a
part
t of ourselves has gone missing.
Old
age
also means losing parts of ourselves in a
more func
tional sense. We're at risk for losing
some of our autonomy as
our minds slip and our bodies falter.
We're forgetfal at the very
least, confused
at the worst. We're not as mobile and
flexible as
we once were. We don't hear or see as
well. We tire more easily
than we want to admit.
We're also vulnerable to a different kind
of loss in old age, dis-
piriting in its own way: the erosion of our
authority or influence in
the world. Younger generations are
displacing us in the workplace
and the wider culture. Whether we like it
or
not, it's no longer
our turn. We would like to consult with
the local planning com-
mission, but our official term has ended.
We hope to share our
wisdom with the new parents, but the
advice columnists say we
must first receive an invitation to offer
guidance and it can be a
long wait.
Grieving the Losses
If loss whatever its character-is inevitable
in old age, how do we
survive? How do we go on without
feeling depleted and losing all
resilience? How do we persevere and
maintain some hope for our
own lives? We must grieve our losses. I
don't know any other way.
Remember that grief is the tax we pay on
our attachments. If
we didn't attach, if we didn't engage or
relate or identify so pro-
foundly, there would be no tax to pay.
The challenge facing us at
any age but especially as we grow older-
is how to make those
payments.
We begin by making our grief matter to
ourselves. It's not as
simple as it sounds. Your work-and
mourning is hard work-is
146 LOVES LOST
your
to recognize your grief, honor it, endure
it. You make your grief
matter when you spend time, in your
imagination or daydreams,
affection. Give yourself
with the person, place, or object of
permission to reminisce about your initial
attraction, to remember
what you shared, to recall the
milestones. Acknowledge the regrets.
Savor the pleasures.
If you are devastated by the sudden
death of someone you loved
deeply, your grief is immediate and stark.
You enter, helplessly,
into a dark and empty space. You may
lie awake all night or dream
strange dreams or lose your appetite.
You may feel bruised in body
and in mind. For many people, the
deprivation-having to go on
in life alone is central. For others, it's
more the change in their
personal universe, as though their
tectonic plates were shifting.
There is no one way to feel, and certainly
no correct way to feel
about the ending of a relationship. The
caregiver who has seen
someone through a long and devastating
illness may feel dis-
traught and relieved. The partner whose
significant other refused
to take responsibility for his health may
feel bereft-and angry.
Grieving takes many forms. Tears are
potent. People some-
times fear that once they begin crying,
they will never be able to
stop. Your weeping or sobbing may last
for a long time, but you
will eventually stop-and you will likely
feel some relief, each
time you cry. If that's not true for you,
consider the experience of
Rosemary, who lost her husband in a
tragic accident: "I was tiring
myself out with crying. I started asking
myself, 'If these tears were
words, what would they say?" Some of
the words were angry and
some were so sad."
It may help on some occasions to cry in
the presence of another
person. The witness to your sorrow
doesn't need to say anything
in particular or say anything at all. It's his
or her presence in your
time of trouble that matters, a quiet
affirmation of your distress.
LOVES LOST
147
More of the work of grieving takes place
when you tell the story
in detail, over and over if need be. Now
your witness becomes
a listener, and you speak of what or
whom you lost, when and
where and how it happened. In the case
of a sudden and traumatic
loss, telling the story can help to take the
horror-"the dark blob
that blots out everything else," as one
therapist calls it--out of the
experience. Slowly, piece by piece, you
integrate this terrible turn
of events into your life, your changed
reality.
There are many ways to grieve. Some
people express their feel-
ings by creating art, making music,
writing poetry-or taking long
hikes. Families search for ways to adapt
their routines and rituals
to the fact that one of their own is
missing, neither denying the
absence or allowing it to shatter all of
their traditions. An empty
chair for Grandpa may be placed at the
table on that first holiday
after the loss. An older sister's birthday
may be celebrated by shar-
ing loving memories instead of a cake.
Many grievers find it rewarding to pay
tribute to a person they
loved or admired in some tangible form.
Such memorials can be
extravagant. You've read about the
wealthy widow who donated a
new wing to a hospital in the name of her
husband, an expression
of gratitude for the good care he
received there. Other offerings are
simple and heartfelt. Grieving the death
of a mother who was pas
sionate about reading, her daughter
Tamara designed a memorial
bookplate with her mother's name and
dates. She pasted it inside the
cover of a dozen books-including some
by her mother's favorite
author and donated them to the local
library. Looking for a way to
honor the memory of an old friend, Frank
signed up to "Walk for
the Cure," an event to fund research on
the disease that claimed his
good pal. He was glad to make a small
contribution each year in the
man's name, but knew it was really the
walk with other supporters
that helped him to grieve.
148
LOVES LOST
Most importantly, label grief for what it is.
If we believe that
it matters-that grief is an inescapable
part of being alive-then
we learn to take care of ourselves, to
resist any pressure to make it
go away or to act normal, whatever that
is. We may have to turn
toward the direction of the skid, so to
speak, before eventually
pulling out of the icy patch and getting
back on the road.
Sometimes grief arrives unannounced
and unbidden, a wave
of mourning that overwhelms you when
the finality of a loss
sinks in, perhaps months or even years
later. The prompt may be
a holiday, a loved one's birthday, a trip to
your old hometown, or
a song from the '60s on Pandora. A loss
may be revisited and grief
revived over a very long period of time.
There is no universal
timetable.
When the death is that of a loved one,
the rituals of a culture
or faith may surround and uphold the
griever. Some mourning
traditions have been abandoned or
revised in contemporary soci-
ety-the black armband is no more-but
other customs endure
and comfort. What matters is the
affirmation of the grieving that
is taking place. The sympathy can arrive
in the form of a casserole
or a green plant. It can come as a fond
recollection of the one who
passed away, shared in person or
posted online.
It's different when the loss you suffer is
not known to others.
With a lifetime of experiences, some
older people have attach-
ments that are private, even secret.
When these come to an end.
grief can be especially lonely.
The loss of close friends is a common
and poignant experience
in old age. Maybe these are friendships
enjoyed over a lifetime,
forged in the halls of high school and
strengthened ever since. Or a
friendship made more recently in the
retirement community din-
ing room, where you were beguiled by
your table companion's
warmth and wit. Unlike family members,
these are the people we
have actually chosen to make part of our
lives. We have invested
LOVES LOST 149
emotionally, but selectively. These are
cur peers, and we felt we
were all in this together, until one
departs. And, all too often,
another. Along with missing our
companions, there's the almost-
the-same-age factor playing its part here:
the heightened awareness
that our turn will come, too.
Grieving is really a long, slow process of
transforming real
people and places, real objects and
experiences, into memories.
can help us in this journey. We do well
when we can hold
Symbols
cn to
o something that represents our loss. My
washing machine
broke down some years ago. I couldn't
fathom how many loads of
family laundry it had washed and rinsed;
I only knew a deep well
of sadness when it died. Of course, it
wasn't the machine itself;
it was what it represented my years of
raising a family, with all
the trials, tribulations, and joys. Before it
was carted away to make
room for its replacement, I managed to
remove the control panel
and I kept it for a long time as a
memento. Strange to you, I'm sure,
but satisfying for me. Grieving takes
many
What It Means
forms.
As for the meaning of your grief, the
possibilities are wondrous.
Maybe it's about your capacity to love so
deeply. Maybe it's about
discovering your ability to survive
despair. Maybe it's about learn-
ing lessons that you can take forward in
your own life.
Or, instead, the meaning may be about
the object of your love
You may come to a fresh appreciation of
the qualities that bound
you to her or him, or it in the first place.
You may even acknowl
edge the things that weren't so
appealing. Eventually, the separa-
tion in time and space helps to resolve
those seeming disparities
Best of all, you might discoyer-perhaps
to your surprise-that
you have appropriated some'admirable
trait of the one you loved
and made it part of yourself.
150 LOVES LOST
Or the meaning may be in yet another
realm, evolving out
of your status as a survivor of life's
tragedies. It could come in a
moment of philosophical awareness or
as a spiritual revelation that
sustains you. Whatever form it takes, the
meaning emerges from
your grief and stays close to your heart.
The taxman will come around again,
alas,
but you know how
to pay.
18
WHEN IT ALL FALLS APART
And it probably will. You don't know
when. But in this process
of growing older no matter how careful,
how deliberate, how
creative you may be at living into your
advancing age-things are
apt to fall apart at some point in time. For
whatever reason, some
aspects of your life that once seemed
stable or at least predictable
will have become precarious.
It could be one unexpected development
that puts you over the
emotional edge. Or a series of disturbing
events for which you
were unprepared. Too many, too much.
Most crises involve loss of some kind,
some variation from what
was known and familiar and moderately
secure. Your health, your
finances, your relationships, your living
situation-possibly all of
the above-are in some kind of jeopardy.
Perhaps there's a timeline
152
WHEN IT ALL FALLS APART
of sorts, a sense that there will be a
resolution or at least some
progress to give you hope. But all too
often, the uncertainty is pro-
longed. No end in sight.
Grieving what you are losing or have
lost-however painful-is
the difficult but essential response to
many of these crises. At the
same time, some circumstances require
us to solve complicated
problems and make decisions that have
serious consequences.
You are not at your best. Your energy is
somewhat diminished
and
your resilience is compromised. Even if
some of your trusted
coping strategies are still available, it
takes motivation to employ
them. You can't avoid feeling vulnerable.
"It's Not Fair"
At confusing or chaotic times like this,
let's start with something
basic. This may not be easy, you may
not like it, but it's important:
you need to dismiss any preoccupation
with the issue of fairness.
That's where many of us go in our
frustration and anger at the bad
hand we've been dealt.
It's an old story. When you were a nine-
year
old first baseman
and you tried out for the team and you
didn't make it, it wasn't
fair. It certainly wasn't fair when you
found out your older sister
got a bigger allowance than you did.
Supremely unfair when the
cute guy, the one you had a crush on
since seventh grade, invited
someone else to the prom.
Other people-well-meaning friends and
family-may unwit-
tingly reinforce this issue of unfairness
when they learn about your
distress. "It's not fair," they declare.
"You've taken such good care
of yourself/faced so many
obstacles/been so kind to others!"
Even well beyond childhood, we may not
fully outgrow the
implicit assumption that life is supposed
to be fair. We work hard,
we do our best, and in our mind's
equation we should be rewarded.
WHEN IT ALL FALLS APART
We deserve compensation for our efforts
in some form, whether
it is tangible or some measure of
immunity from bad things hap
pening to us. It's only fair. Except it isn't,
because that's not the way
the real world works.
But fairness as an organizing principle
for life can have deep
roots. For some people, it's integral to
their religious beliefs. For
others, it has a magical quality-a way to
dispel the forces of evil
by doing good works and acting
honorably. Whether we seek dis-
pensation from a higher power or special
treatment from a real-life
authority figure, there's a transaction
taking place.
Consider, too, that a focus on fairness
has a protective function.
It's a personal shield against the feelings
we would rather not feel.
It gives us the illusion of control over our
circumstances, to be
indignant and even a little righteous. We
would rather protest-
"It's not fair!"-than face into the fears and
endure the emotional
pain when things fall apart.
If you're tempted to chant the it's-not-fair
mantra, try to give it
a rest. Keep your mind open to consider
other ways to cope when
life unravels, when the doubts and
uncertainties take over.
Reaching Out
It may be immediately obvious or it may
take a while to realize
that you need some attention from
others-to have people know
what you are going through. At the
outset, you may seek support
only from family members or close
friends. Over time, the circle
may expand to include others, perhaps
even virtual strangers. And
you will need to discern what kind of help
you need. Do you hope,
most of all, for expressions of concern or
sympathy? Are you seek-
ing advice or guidance? Do you want
practical assistance in various
ways? Or something else?
Whether asking for help comes naturally
to you or the very idea
makes you anxious, it's an assertive way
to gain a little control when
154
WHEN IT ALL FALLS APART
things seem unmanageable. Yes, there's
risk involved, the possibil-
ity that your request will be ignored or
dismissed. More often than
not, the chance is worth taking if you go
about it deliberately.
The first step is choosing how-and with
whom-you want to
share your situation. People vary greatly
in this regard. Pay atten-
tion to what works best for you, on a
spectrum ranging from qui-
etly confiding in a very small number of
people to posting your
news on Facebook. Once you have
made that choice, proceed to
share your dilemma, your state of mind,
your logistical quandary.
Whatever is offered in response, try to
accept the good intentions
even if some fine-tuning is in order. Be
prepared with a specific
request or two when family members or
friends ask, "What can I
do for you?" They will be grateful for the
guidance.
Unfortunately, it's often the case that
someone doesn't get it-
doesn't grasp the seriousness of
whatever it is you're struggling
with. Your crisis may be given slight
attention, or met with a kind
of well intentioned but dismissive
positivity: "You're so strong,
I know you'll be fine." That's another
disappointment a lack of
empathy when you are already shaken
by a trauma or feeling
overwhelmed by multiple demands. It
can feel like a betrayal when
that person you counted on, someone
who has always been reli-
able, proves unable to help right now.
You may not know, or ever
know, the whole story. Perhaps her life
has taken a turn for the
worse at the same time as yours. Or he
has such negative asso-
ciations to the kind of distress you are
suffering-it's too close to
home, so to speak that he just can't
respond as you had hoped.
Keep in mind that their failure to support
you is more about their
own issues, not about your worthiness.
Try to let it go.
"Take Care"
It's part of everyday life to end a
conversation with "Take care."
In this context of things-falling-apart,
"taking care" matters more
WHEN IT ALL FALLS APART
than ever, even when it's a cliché and an
unproven remedy for all
the problems you're facing
Think of "taking care" in terms of treating
yourself gently. Try
to imagine what that would look like, or
feel like, or sound like.
It may involve forgiving yourself for
whatever contribution you
think you made to the deteriorating state
of affairs-the symptom
you overlooked, the too-expensive
vacation you wish you hadn't
taken. It may mean giving yourself
permission to take a nap or torn
off your phone for 20 minutes. It may
mean an occasional furious
outburst in words you seldom use. It may
mean allowing yourself
to cry letting go of the fear that once the
tears flow, you won't be
able to stop. It's not true.
You might look into the ever-expanding
market of products and
programs designed to soothe the mind
and relax the body, even if
that's not the sort of thing you normally
enjoy. "Self-care" as a con-
cept has long since gone commercial.
You can choose from among
scented candles, bath salts, foot
massagers, meditation videos, and
more. What matters is finding some
relaxing activity that suits you.
Maybe you can rely on something that
has been helpful in the
past, even if that may be difficult in your
present circumstances.
Let's say, for example, that your powers
diminished, making reading no longer
the pleasure it once was-
at least for now. Maybe you can adjust,
skimming magazine articles
rather than tackling that depressing
novel your sister-in-law said
she knew you would love, the one with
so many characters you
need a chart to keep track of them.
it's
of concentration may be
Or you might try something entirely new
as an experiment and
give yourself credit for the effort, no
matter the outcome. If you've
always responded to email promptly wait
at least a week, unless
surgent. If you've typically raised your
hand at a call for vol-
don't. The goal is to give some definition
to that well-
meant but vague admonition, "Take
care." And if your version of
the falling-apart world involves taking
care of others, recognize
unteers...
156
WHEN IT ALL FALLS APART
that taking care of yourself matters even
more. You simply can't
keep giving out unless you rest and
refuel along the way.
When the familiar and predictable
structure of your life is threat-
ened, it's perfectly normal to be confused
by the complexity and
overwhelmed by the intensity of your
feelings. But try to think in
terms of running a marathon rather than
a sprint. Obviously, you
need to conserve energy for a long race,
not expend it all in one
burst. That's true of these falling-apart
times as well. Try to take it
slow and steady, no rushing to solve
everything at once.
The way your brain engages with the
challenge helps, too.
When runners think in five-mile
segments or select other markers
or milestones along the route, it
improves the odds that they can
go the distance. When you feel besieged
in your real life, the same
principle applies. With some effort, you
may be able to relieve
some of that sense of personal
devastation by shifting your focus
from the whole to its parts. Try naming
all the different issues that
are contributing to your distress, from the
profound to the trivial.
This is counterintuitive-you might think it
would make you feel
worse, making a long list-but the
exercise gives you some trac-
tion and allows you to think creatively
about specific problems.
One at a time.
Even when you feel undone by a
cascade of troubling events,
even in the midst of crisis, you can make
use of your many years'
experience at problem-solving. In the
past, what has helped you
to calm your nerves or boost your
courage or brainstorm solu-
tions? Any strategy that served you well,
way back when, deserves
another chance.
Gratitude
What's that word, gratitude, doing here?
In the midst of a disaster,
dealing with a full-on crisis, how can you
be grateful for anything?
WHEN IT ALL FALLS APART
As you are searching for the answer, try
to be very particular. You
may know someone who is buoyed by
the realization that the sun
came up another day, and you wish you
had that kind of big-picture
attitude. Instead, it's a time to focus on
details, on specific aspects
of your life that you might take for
granted in better times. Think
small, think ordinary. The get-well card
from an acquaintance you
haven't heard from in years. The
sandwich maker in the hospital
cafeteria who smiled patiently when you
couldn't decide what to
order. Your phone kept its charge. Your
bus arrived on time. By a
bedside, the warmth of holding hands.
These are moments worthy
of notice and gratitude-when it seems
that cur world is falling
apart.
Keeping On
you
It's all well and good, of course, to be so
proactive in the face of
emotional disturbance and practical
uncertainties. But when
are in falling-apart mode, consider a
different approach. You can
soothe yourself by raising your
conscious awareness, not of
troubled state, but of the world around
and outside you. Your prob-
Jems are still there-they aren't going
away-but it's time to take a
break. In nearly any form, distraction can
be restorative.
your
Have you ever walked out of a movie
theater after an engrossing
film and felt a bit disoriented by the time
of day or the weather
or your surroundings? You had been far
away from the demands
of your personal life, just for a little while.
Maybe you identified
with one of the characters, maybe you
were fascinated by the plot,
maybe you just marveled at the
cinematography. Whatever held
your attention, it was a welcome time-out
from reality. That's the
kind of escape you need and deserve,
even if doesn't last more than
two hours. Even if it takes place right
where you are, without going
far from home.
155
WHEN IT ALL FALLS APART
If music delights or comforts you, listen
and listen some more.
If you have the energy, make a playlist
especially for the times you
need relief from the pile-on of problems
to solve. A quite different
kind of sensory experience would be
immersion in the kind of
listening meditation described previously:
get comfortable, close
your eyes for a few minutes, and pay
close attention to the sounds
and smells and subtle movements that
come to you in the stillness.
If you are more visually inclined, spend
time with beautiful objects
and images and immerse yourself in
anything that pleases the eye.
If you live near a museum, make a visit.
Or notice the clouds in the
sky, the leaves on the sidewalk, the buds
on the trees. Or take a few
moments to revisit those vacation photos
from Mexico you haven't
looked at in years. If physical activity has
always been your go-to
for recreation and-after the effort-
relaxation, take a walk. Short,
long, slow or brisk, just take a walk.
If you are a social creature, these ideas
for solo escape from
your troubles may not appeal. You need
to reach out to others, not
for support-although that matters-but for
respite. Enjoy your
exchanges with people who know little or
nothing about you or
your falling-apart world. See what you
can learn about them-a
sort of late-night TV interview with you as
the host. If need be,
feign interest in the details. Just leave
yourself aside and turn your
attention to someone else.
When personal problems multiply, when
there's no obvious
solution or resolution for many of them,
you suffer. The popular
phrases may contain some truth-one day
at a time, or darkness
comes before the dawn, or this too shall
pass-but they are seldom
sufficient to sustain you. The best you
can do is to honor your dis-
tress by describing and owning it. The
best you can do is to treat
yourself gently. The best you can do,
sometimes, is to breathe in...
breathe out and repeat. Keep on going.
Keeping on.
19
THE VIEW FROM HERE
Endings. Stories and plays and films
have
endings. We follow the
plot, occasionally knowing, often
guessing, and sometimes having
no clue about how the drama will resolve
itself-but we know it
will end.
So it is with our own lives.
That certainty is fraught with feelings
ranging from mild dis-
comfort to outright dread. Or maybe you
keep those feelings at bay,
opting for denial as your preferred
defense against this unwelcome
development.
So be it. But let's explore the subject of
our own endings. Let's
consider the value, both entertaining and
profound, of think-
ing about the lives of those who have
gone before us. And then,
160
THE VIEW FROM HERE
because our time is drawing closer--at
the very least, it's inevita-
ble-let's ponder what matters most to us
at this late stage.
Young people seldom read newspaper
obituaries, although they
may not be able to avoid social media
messages. Middle-aged peo-
ple tend to approach these notices of
death with some trepidation
or simply skip them. Old people may
read the oblts with a some-
what different attitude, scanning the
names for those of friends or
neighbors, checking the age of the
departed to see if it's anywhere
close to their own.
Some obits and death notices are
biographies of people you
knew or might have known. Others are
simply stories about ran-
dom characters in the great documentary
of Life. Typically, these
short pieces have a positive slant. The
tributes seldom highlight the
flaws or faults of the deceased. Perhaps
there's a little innuendo:
"She had strongly held opinions" or "He
prided himself on his
independence." But families are almost
inevitably described as lov-
ing, spouses as devoted, and friends as
close. It's understandable,
a wish to idealize the people who leave
us behind. It's the best we
can do for them, now that it's too late to
heal any old wounds. No
more time to reconcile our
disappointments or resolve our resent-
ments. A fond send-off may be the best
we
can do.
If the sentiments expressed in writing are
genuine-if they pay
homage to a life that was truly well lived-
hats off to the one who
has died and to all who hold him or her in
their hearts and minds.
Good obits capture the real character of
the life led by the
departed, along with some of its flavor.
Along with a list of Brenda's
impressive achievements, here's a
reference to "Barney, her cher-
ished canine companion." We learn that,
in addition to his profes-
sional accomplishments, "Fred was the
two-time winner of the
Most Valuable Player Award, Varsity
Baseball, Deer Valley High
School." And here's Eileen, the avid
opera fan, "who was known to
participate from her seat from time to
time." More details include
THE VIEW FROM HERE
where someone lived, sometimes all
over the world and some-
times in one hometown from birth to
death. Pursuits of every
sort are described, from growing prize-
winning tomatoes to solv
ing sudoku puzzles, studying
archaeology, or playing drums in a
garage band. Those who are "left to
mourn," as it is often phrased,
tell more of the story. Children,
grandchildren, wives, husbands,
former spouses, special friends there
may be a few entries or a
host of them.
161
The cause of death may be noted.
Sometimes there is a mention
of the circumstances, such as a sudden
accident or a long illness.
Or a sentimental description of the
ending: "Patti departed this life
with her loving husband singing and
playing guitar at her side."
"On Sunday, April 10, Gene took the key
out of the ignition of his
tractor for the last time." "At his passing.
Henry was surrounded by
his family and his devoted caregivers,
Mae and Janet."
The obit includes the age of the
departed, or you do the math
from the dates of birth and death. When
you realize that someone
your age has died, it's no longer just an
interesting pastime, reading
about these lives. Recognition dawns
that your story will appear in
a similar format, one of these days.
Admittedly, this identification with the
death of another per-
son-even someone completely unknown
to you-represents
another assault on your hopes for
immortality. Death isn't just
for a young person killed in a tragic
accident. It isn't just for the
100-year-old lady who received a
birthday card from the president
a week before she died. The same fate
awaits us all.
Writing Your Own
Make reading the obits a habit. You'll be
amused by some of the
life stories and saddened, perhaps
deeply, by others. You'll find
yourself speculating about the newly
deceased and wondering if
162
THE VIEW FROM HERE
their lives met their expectations and
hopes. You'll be intrigued by
some accounts and impressed by others.
You'll discover odd con-
nections-a person you vaguely
remember from long ago ar the
mention of a place or an institution you
once knew well. You'll also
get a sense of what you might like to see
included in your own obit.
The next step is to think about writing it.
This isn't for everyone. Many people
blanch at the very idea. It
takes
your awareness of your mortality to a
new level, not neces-
sarily one you want to face. This
concept-that life ends-is made
all-too-real. And scary. There's no
dishonor in concluding that
this is far outside your comfort zone. But
if you're having a good
day and feeling a bit brave, think of
writing your obit as another
adventure in embracing your oldness.
Besides, you'll get the facts
right. And you'll be doing a favor to
anyone who loves you and
someday reads what you've written.
There's more than one approach to this
project. You can write it
in the first person, a mini-autobiography-
"I was born on March
15, 1951, in Oneonta, New York." Or you
can write about yourself
in the third person "Harriet Johnson-
Stokes was the daughter of
Ruth Johnson and the late James P.
Johnson." You can choose the
present or past tense.
So if you're up for it, take a deep breath
and give it a try.
Start with your name, your nickname if
you like it, then record
the chronology and geography of your
life. Name your family
members and the friends you want to
honor with inclusion. List
your affiliations of all kinds, past and
present. Include your pets.
Mention the sports you played or the
teams you cheered for. Tell
you loved to spend time, your hopes for
the world, anything
that captures your life and spirit and
outlook. You can let your
eventual readers know if you want a
funeral or celebration of your
life and where you would like it to be
held. Or you can declare that
you prefer to have no such memorial
tribute.
how
THE VIEW FROM HERE
163
Here's part of what my 85-year-old friend
Mary has written,
opting for the past tense (even though
she is very much alive):
Ms. Reynolds graduated from Sullivan
County High School, Class
of 1952, and received her B.S. degree in
education from Illinois State
University in 1956. She enjoyed a long
career teaching high school
mathematics until her retirement in 2000
and is remembered with
affection and gratitude by several
generations of students. She was an
accomplished watercolorist and a
devoted volunteer with the Westbrook
Humane Society. Memorial service to be
held later this year.
If you do want your loved ones to gather
in your name, you'll want
to convey some descriptive details about
the event itself. It may
be too much information to include in
your obit, but it's impor-
tant data to leave behind. If you've
created a proper Last Will &
Testament, you can devote a paragraph
or two to these wishes for
your send-off. If that's not your style or
you simply haven't gotten
around to facing that task-a letter
addressed to those who are apt
to make these arrangements will do. You
can request that the recip-
ients save your memo to the cloud or
keep a hard copy wherever
they stash important documents. They
don't have to read it now, if
the subject makes them uneasy. You will
have done your part.
Maybe you want something very
traditional. Or you prefer
that your family and friends honor your
memory by bowling a
few frames or holding a big bash of a
cocktail party. Maybe you
want everyone in attendance to wear
your favorite color or tell an
endearing even outrageous-story about
you. Perhaps this is the
place to remind your family that you want
the funeral rites and
customs of your religious tradition to be
followed-to the letter.
Write it all down.
Any plan to mark your departure starts
with your own reflec-
tions but inevitably involves the desires
and concerns of those who
164
THE VIEW FROM HERE
are left behind. They may feel very
strongly that "funerals are for
the living." They may want an
observance that celebrates the life of
the departed but represents their own
values and-no small mat-
ter-suits the convenience of as many
people as possible.
Others are determined to carry out their
mother's last wishes
even if that means hiring a boat and
spreading her ashes upon the
waters of Lake Michigan on a frigid
February afternoon. They are
comforted by knowing they have
implemented the explicit desires
of the person they have known and
cherished.
So it makes good sense to write
instructions that provide guid-
ance to your survivors, while leaving
some decisions up to them.
State your wishes. Then add a heartfelt
message assuring your fam-
ily and friends that while these are your
preferences for a memorial
service or a place of interment or a
charity to receive contributions
in your honor, you trust they'll do right by
you.
Let's get back to the obit itself. It's time to
write the headline.
"Company Founder, Building
Contractor," "Mother of Five," "Freelance
Journalist," "Legendary Rock Musician,"
"Immigration Reform
Advocate," "Birdwatcher." It's no small
feat to select a few words to
represent you. Choose something that's
genuine. And down the road,
if it prompts the curiosity of the random
obit reader-someone like
you-and inspires them to read on about
your life, that's even better.
Keep in mind that reading obits and
writing your own-isn't
all about dying. It's also about living fully,
which means owning
our awareness that we don't go on
forever. Add to that realistic atti-
tude a spirit of curiosity about your fellow
citizens of this world.
You honor their lives simply by reading
about them. It's brief, it's
fleeting, but it's a memorial. Someday
you'll have one, too.
Paths to Explore
When you think about it, the process of
composing your own obit
is a matter of taking stock, a life review in
a few paragraphs. You
THE VIEW FROM HERE
may feel a sense of accomplishment that
you've provided these facts
of your life, thus far, for succeeding
generations-or made explicit
your wishes regarding your departure
from the planet.
But whether the write-your-own project
holds some appeal or
not, thinking about closure is only one
dimension of aging well.
You're still here, living in the present
moment. You have the gift
of time.
165
You can use that time to contemplate
what's important now.
To pose questions for which there are no
simple answers. What
has been and what is the purpose of my
life? What if I have
to choose between living as long as
possible or letting go? What's
next-some kind of afterlife or is this it?
This exploration may
strike you as premature, unwelcome,
even depressing. Instead, rec
ognize it as an opportunity, a time to
ponder what has truly mat-
tered and still matters-in your life.
It's hard to generalize about spiritual
concerns and the aging
process. Seekers continue to seek and
doubters continue to doubt,
of course. Since naming things always
makes them more real--
even in this hard-to-define realm-pause
and think about your
beliefs or lack thereof. Are you spiritually
content or disaffected,
secure or struggling? Keep in mind that
people who have long
ignored or rejected any spiritual aspect
to life may move in the
opposite direction as they age. A late-in-
life quest to make sense of
the unknown or unknowable can take
them to unfamiliar-some
would say holy-places. By contrast,
some people of faith turn
skeptical as they approach the end of
life, especially if they have
never questioned or revised their
childhood beliefs.
There are paths to explore. If the point is
to seek meaning in
something that is greater than yourself-
be it religious or philo-
sophical or scientific-the key is to keep
searching, Maybe you've
always wondered if you really fit with the
members of some slightly
countercultural affinity group that your
family looked down upon
when you were growing up. Now is the
time to investigate, to see
166
THE VIEW FROM HERE
if it still appeals. Maybe secular
humanism makes the most sense to
you. Perhaps you subscribe to a code of
ethics that gives you a foun-
dation and secures your place in the
universe. If oldness means that
a familiar faith grows stronger and its
traditions sustain you, stay
your course.
There's another intriguing way to think
about finding meaning
in later life, a pursuit that mobilizes but
transcends your own ego.
The notion of "Keeper of the Meaning" as
a distinctive phase of
life is derived from psychiatrist George
Vaillant's landmark study
of human development. We're probably
most familiar with this
concept in traditional families. The older
generation is endowed
with an obligation to preserve the
meaning of the family-"this
is who we are"-for the younger
generation. Grandparents and
other elderly relatives uphold what they
believe to be their family's
values in the face of other influences.
Widening the lens, consider the roles
and responsibilities taken
by village elders in tribal societies.
Through enacting their rituals
and telling their stories, they are the
keepers of the meaning of
their culture for their descendants.
go well beyond the boundaries
Vaillant suggests that we should
of our own family or community and
reach out to the universe
at large. He would have us contemplate
our late-in-life mission as
promoters of such values as honesty,
tolerance, justice, and mercy.
A lofty thought, yes, but worth reflection.
Think of your most strongly held
opinions, the core beliefs that
have sustained you throughout your
lifetime. Maybe you've done
everything possible to assure that this
legacy lives on. You were
politically active and supported a
candidate for election to your
school board. You co-hosted an annual
exhibition for up-and-
coming high school artists. You were
deeply involved in your faith
community. You wrote letters to the
editor
of your local newspaper,
THE VIEW FROM HERE
you blogged, you tweeted. In short, you
represented yourself; you
expressed what mattered to you and
shared it with others.
And if that description doesn't quite fit
you, there's still time
to promote whatever you care about. It
doesn't require as much
energy as it seemed to take in your
younger days. The emphasis
shifts from creation-initiating, inventing,
designing, orchestrat
ing-to the conservation or preservation of
the things you hold
dear.
gious or
167
This endeavor can take many forms,
whether your interest in
promoting your heritage-your ideals, your
traditions-is reli-
secular, political or social, academic or
artistic. What's
important is that you embrace the world
in ways that you hope
will contribute to the survival (no
guarantees here) of what has
given you purpose or meaning. Pass it
on, pay it forward.
Don't confuse this mission with
indignation at the way the
world is heading. Keeping the meaning
alive is actually an anti-
dote to rigidity and resentment in old
age. You're working on your
memorial to what has mattered-what you
hold dear-in your
life. And it speaks to your faith in the
future.
During the years when you advanced
through childhood, ado-
lescence, and middle age, you had a
sense, consciously or uncon-
sciously, that you were moving ahead on
life's continuum. As you
reach old age, you are faced with the
prospect of an ending, what-
ever that means for you. That's the
reality. When you accept that
you won't be here forever, you can make
your time on the planet
matter more.
You can be older and wiser.
APPENDIXI
CREATING A
PERSONAL TIMELINE
Roger was hesitant to take on this
project but found it surpris-
ingly helpful in recalling many details of
his personal history.
Some events were fairly common or
universal; others were unique
to him. Of course, he had lived through
nearly 70 years of these
beginnings, transitions, and endings--but
it was a different expe-
rience to chart and capture his life story
in this
way.
First he plotted his age in five-year
increments across the bottom
of the page or screen until he reached
his most recent birthday.
Then he selected the categories that
seemed most pertinent to his
life and added them to the column on the
left side.
In addition to the categories you see
here, his included "Work,"
"Relationships," "Health," and a
distinctively-Roger category:
"Amateur Astronomy." This figure depicts
only the first 15 years
of his timeline and shows just four of the
ten categories he chose.
APPENDIX II
RETIREMENT:
MAKING IT HAPPEN
Implementing the decision to retire is
part practical, part emo-
tional. Here are some suggestions from
retirees who looked back
and identified what was helpful-or what
they wish they had done.
1. Make a plan for how you will spend
your time, immediately
after your departure from the workplace.
What will you do
that first Monday morning? The first two
or three weeks?
Perhaps you'll give yourself some kind of
reward for making
this change in your working life, even if
your financial situa-
tion is in transition as well. A trip you
always wanted to take,
a purchase you've flirted with for a long
time, something that
represents this accomplishment.
2. Make an outline for your new lifestyle
during the first three to
six months of not-working. This can be
as structured or loose
as you like, detailed or not. Of course,
you
can revise it as you
go along.
172 APPENDIX II
3. Sign up for something. A group, a
class, a club, some sort of
activity or program. This assures that
you'll be in proximity to
other people at some point in your week;
enrollment means
you're more likely to follow through on
your intention.
4. But don't overschedule, fearing that
your days will be empty.
Now's the time to be selective about your
commitments.
Remember that you're vulnerable to all
kinds of requests made
by people who view you as instantly
available, now that you're
retired.
5. Attend to the various aspects of life
that will be altered in
retirement. These include health
insurance, financial arrange-
ments, perhaps your living situation.
Explore your alternatives
or options, make decisions-and face the
paperwork, one day
at a time.
6. Organize the countdown. Edit and
delete files as retirement day
nears. Gradually take things home that
matter to you-books,
mementos, the plant that needs more
light-and distribute
other items to your co-workers. If you
work from home, start a
similar process with emphasis on
reconfiguring, adapting your
work environment for the next phase of
your life.
7. Practice your response when well-
meaning friends or fam-
ily members ask how it's going. Their
instinct is to emphasize
the positive-"So exciting, isn't it
wonderful, I'm so happy for
you!"--when your experience is not so
simple or one-sided.
Buy some time: "Thanks. It's very
interesting, lots of ups and
downs. Please ask me again in a few
months!"
APPENDIX III
TALKING WITH
EACH OTHER
Speak for yourself. Only for yourself.
Start sentences with "I want ... need...
feel..." Resist the tempta-
tion to represent your partner's thoughts,
feelings, wishes or points
of view, as in "I think you think ... etc." It's
a special challenge,
when you have known the other person
for a long time. You're
convinced you do know what they are all
about. But your job is to
speak for yourself.
Listen.
Good communication is a dialogue, not
overlapping monologues.
Get a rhythm going: Speak ... pause to
listen / Speak
Say how you feel, early in the talk.
... pause to listen
"I'm feeling
confused/misunderstood/underappreciat
ed/fearful
"These are the kinds of feelings that
precede anger. Express
them. Treat them as warning signals, put
them into words, and
you may get to skip the angry part.
174
APPENDIX IIT
Limit yourself to the here and now.
there, don't reach into the emotional
baggage you may be carrying
Here's where your long history with a
partner comes in. Don't go
dredging up examples of past misdeeds.
Keep the focus on your
most immediate concern.
One at a time.
You have your partner's attention. How
tempting, to add a few
other issues to your conversational
agenda, saying "While we're at
it... "That kind of emotional multi-tasking
might have been okay
much. Save the next item for another
day.
when you and your significant other were
younger. Now, not so
Keep it in the room.
Resist the urge to bring in additional
troops by declaring how
many supporters you have for your point
of view. And don't pro-
voke your partner by comparing his/her
behavior to that of some-
one else. There's enough going on, just
between the two of you.
Learn when to stop.
Try for a balance between too soon and
too late. If you're try-
ing to solve a problem, end the
conversation when you've reached
agreement about a decision to be made
or an action to be taken.
But if you're talking about deeply
emotional issues, you can stop
when you feel your message has been
heard, or when you have
learned something from your partner that
requires time to think
about. Sometimes you'll agree to
disagree: there's no need to pre-
tend you've reached closure on the
matter at hand. Take a time-out.
Try again, tomorrow.